H4B -
ohhhhh I am soooooo sorry! I can only imagine your pain. But I so admire you for holding steady on TSM, whether it be intentional or not. I would've caved, I know - except always hard to do that with kids. I take my hat off to you managing such a household.

I am glad you posted this, and that we are here for you. I almost feel like sharing the story of how my "near teetotalling" ex found my trails of emails that broke the camel's back...but will save them for another time...or maybe not. Bad times. Not the same as yours, but icky all the same.

Men are wired so differently than we are. They love attention and depending on their integrity & moral standards, respect for the relationship, whether or not they are getting entertaining sex at home, etc...are so easy to sway. No woman can possibly be all things at all times especially with the demands you are dealing with. But shame on him!!!

I hope he is truly sincere and you find the support you need here or elsewhere. We are free and pretty darn good, I think!! PLus you can put that wine glass right next to the computer and post in your jammies, commando or whatever suits you. :-) Hang in there, girl - It will be ok...eventually, I'm sure.

XO

Hoping -- I'm so sorry you are going through this -- and without a support system. I'm glad we can be here for you. I maintain the hope that you can find a couselor who truly understands your situation and can be truly supportive. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

OK, I PM'd Hoping, but decided to see if there could be a consensus on my idea.

I suggested that she go to her husband and explain that she feels she is the only one who must bear any consequences for his behavior, and at least partly because of that she has no reason to believe he will end the relationship. He has her financially hog-tied. (I put it better than this in the PM.)

If he is really serious about ending the affair, he should prove it. How? By putting his money where his mouth is. He should agree to sign a contract stipulating that, if it is ever determined that he is having a relationship with any other woman, he will void the prenup agreement and support Hopeful and the children if she should decide she needs to leave.

If hubby isn't willing to do this, then it would seem obvious that he doesn't trust himself not to wander. Why should Hopeful believe a word he says? I'm betting, in that circumstance, she would find the resolve and resources to make a new start for herself and the children. Besides this, I hope she's kept evidence of his betrayal. . .some judges just might agree that it's not fair that she be financially bound to an unfaithful husband. (In my case, a local judge ruled in my favor on an issue that would have seem cut and dried in the other person's favor because of a contract I had foolishly signed. . .)

Just my two cents' worth!

Goin4More

Lost my post!! Here goes again. Hoping, I agree you should do something, but maybe you need to have support in place before you do what G4M (great to see you!!) proposes, or anything like it. With triplets, a toddler, and two teen stepchildren, getting through the day is an accomplishment. To that, add a therapist who does not seem supportive, the fact that you can't confide in family or friends, a couples counselor who piled on with your husband (hope you are not still seeing that one), and a marriage in crisis, and I'm exhausted thinking about it. If you confront your husband he may ratchet up the manipulation. He is not likely to give you the upper hand without a fight. He behaves as though he read the book I suggested a while ago and is acting out the part of the abusive, controlling husband, right down to the emails and the weeping when he got caught.

We can be supportive here, but you need more. The local spouse abuse counseling center might be a good start. You don't need to be beaten half to death to get a sympathetic ear there. They can prop you up and maybe refer you to a therapist with skill in these situations. Maybe they can refer you to a good family law attorney. Often the first attorney consult is free, and a good one will suggest a strategy to protect you and the kids.

By suggesting these things, I am not assuming you want to end your marriage. That's your call, of course. But you really do need to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. Know your options.

G4M is correct that you need to do something. Please take a step. And I too hope you saved the "evidence".

Thanks Lena, you're right of course. I feel so very sympathetic toward Hopeful as - like you - I was married to an extraordinarily manipulative man for a very long time. He also attempted to keep me financially/emotionally dependent. My recourse? I started working from home, and eventually became financially independent that way. Hopeful, have you any skills you could use in this way?

Lena's advice to go to an abused women's shelter for support, and to consult an attorney, is spot on. You need to at least be aware of your options. . .to even know that you have some. . .before you can take back control of your own life.

My heart is 100% with you, GF!

God, I sound like such a pathetic basket case!!! Thanks for all your posts -- I am so grateful to have this wonderful board. It's the only time I let my guard down. Gotta put on the act for my kids, it freaks them out to see mommy cry.

With regard to TSM, I haven't really been drinking more than normal, but I'm definitely not eating as much, either. So the wine is really kicking in at the first sip. I need to watch that.

I can't put into words how much your support means to me.

Now I gotta go cry while my toddler is napping.

This sucks. I'm hoping for better for you.

H4B

here are my thoughts.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best. That means getting legal advice and being prepared to take action. It also means working out what needs to be done (by both of you) to fix your relationship (I sense from the posts that you haven't given up on this).

It is quite possible, even probable, that your husband has drifted into something that began relatively innocently and has escalated, with him constantly allowing 'slippage' from something he feels is perfectly fine to something he can justify (and justify not wanting you to know) to something he struggles to justify. Be prepared for him to be initially defensive but then to open fire on you - about how he wouldn't have to do X if you only did (or didn't do) Y etc. You need someone independent you can trust, that you can talk to. Preferably in real life, but online if needs must. You also need to make sure you don't compromise yourself here - there can be no hint, chance or suggestion of any kind of (sexual/romantic) aspect to the relationship with this person. A family member, close female friend etc would be ideal.

You need to take stock of yourself and your relationship as well as anything he has done or not done - not just in this incident but in the relationship in general. Decide what you want out of the relationship and ask yourself honestly how well you've contributed. This is not to beat yourself up - it is a process of building yourself up. Finding the positives and the areas where you can do more - i.e. the potential positives. You need to prepare yourself mentally for any of the potential conflicts you may have with him - you have to have done some soul-searching and deep thinking to have your answers ready and to deal calmly and clearly with these situations.

You need to pay lots of attention to his behaviour. Document, take notes and keep these somewhere safe. Buy a cheap dictaphone and record your conversations with your friend/confidant so that you have a record of what he is doing (and you). You're going to need to do some detective work (feel free to pm me for advice regarding computer-based matters or the issue in general - but DO NOT post anywhere public about the kind of things you might do, NOR seek others to post such things where he might find them). You may need this information later for legal reasons, but you'll at least need it to help you patch up your relationship

You need to think about what timescale you are going to give both of you to resolve the difficulties in your relationship and what the 'deliverables' are - what you expect from him (And you) over this time, so you have a basis for decision at the end of this time. Trust has been broken here, and while it can be repaired it will be difficult. You need 'proof' that the relationship is back on track.

Finally regarding the legal matters. The care of your children will supersede any pre-nup or contract, both legally and morally. Your lawyer will advise you here I'm sure, but your husband will have responsibilities here. Regarding any payments for yourself, you may just have to suck it up. Harsh as it may sound though, you have signed a contract in this regard, so be prepared.

I wish you luck and am, like most here I'm sure, available for advice, support etc.

I couldn't read this H4B, too close to home. All I can say is that I truly feel for you and wish to give you all my best. -Evan

my son's father told me once, 'believe in me, love me, you don't know what happiness is, and i will make you happier than you've ever imagined". no one ever spoke to me that way. i loved him so much. i miss him so much. and i can never have him back. and i have a reminder of that every day and that is our son. the reason is alcohol. i wish he loved us more and he was braver and the girl didn't take him away from us. but i am so alone in this struggle and with our son. he abandoned us and all i ever did was love him. i just have a problem. i never was mean. she just took him away from us, she didn't care, and i will never forgive her if you are her i hate you.