My last drinking session was on Saturday evening.
I had 5 beers and 2 glassses of wine. The wine I could have done without. My wife had company over so I was hoping to have a drink with her. I got a glass of wine thinking her visitors would leave soon. By the time they left, my glass was gone. So I got another glass to have with my wife. After drinking 5 beers, I wanted to see what it would be like to just stop drinking for a bit. But I did drink 2 glasses of wine much later. The craving really wasnt there. I like that.
What I have been finding lately is that environment and situations have the potential to send me on a good binge. Previously, I found that in mellow controlled environments I could more or less control the amount of AL I drank beyond a certain point. I wanted to see what would happen if I put myself in a different situation, like going out dancing at a club. I found that I drank a bit more than I thought I would, but much less than any pre TSM level. So thats good. But, being in those siutations has the risk of a hangover the next day, which is one of the biggest things I am trying to avoid at this point.
So far what I have noticed:
Physical decrease in AL tolerance.
Big decrease in AL consumption on any given drinking sesion.
Big decrease in craving the next drink that could put me over the top.
Increased risk of Hangover.
Huge and very noticeable change (for the better) in behavior while drinking.
Noticeably Positive attitude on AF days.
Food tastes pretty darn good while drinking.
Cravings during AF days? Depends on if I am bored or not.
Im also noticing that there really is no "relief" from drinking anymore. That feeling that comes up and says, yep this feels great lets keep going. Nothing from AL hits the spot. Oddly what does hit the spot is eating somthing. Food just tastes really good. Especially greasy bar food. Onion rings, pastrami sandwich, fries.....etc. (not healthy, but oh so good)
Im also finding that my drinking sessions are just not that fun anymore. I believe, the main reason I used AL was need for being social. AL was my ice breaker. And while AL may be a good tool for normal people in social situations, it actually made me anti social because of behavorial issues. Whats odd though, I find that Im actually more social when Im sober now. More outgoing, more willing to talk, a genuine interest in talking with someone. Sober!
These new turn of events have raised some new thoughts and questoins in my head. I have read Springriders posts which kinda coincide with these thoughts. Im wondering what life is going to be like at the end of all this. Without the strong grip of AL.
When I was sober for 11 years, I was not the person I wanted to be. I was not unhappy with who I was, but I knew I could be alot more. But somthing held me back. I was bored alot, didnt do a ton. I was basically a pretty boring person. I did gamble alot. I dont want to be this person again. Its what ultimately led me back to the bottle.
Trust me I do not want this addiction and I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth. But I am concerned that maybe I wont be prepared for all of this? Im trying to get to the root of these uneasy feelings concerning being cured. Maybe its the beast rising up saying, what about me? Dont leave me! No! Dont go!
At any rate, we have the scientific formula for the cure to alcoholism....Nal + Drink (+ patience/time) = cure. I suspect I will have plenty of time to prepare for my new life, I think Ill start now.
PS...Oh yah, I am also noticing that I am a bit more eager to jump down someone's throat too. Not bad, but quick to point things out. If someone does somthing that I dont like, Pre TSM I would let things slide, like it just didnt matter, but now....Im feeling that things ARE getting better, life IS getting better, and by damn Im going to believe that I deserve much more out of life and be treated with respect at the same time. Maybe my self confidence is coming back? Or maybe Im just an ass?
