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My Before and After Journey…
Thought it would be helpful to summarize my life before Sinclair…and then after.
These are selected ‘passages’ from my drinking journal pre-sinclair, starting with when I began trying to quit with MWO in 2008. 'After' is at the bottom. I did not realize how dramatic the change in my life has been both physically and emotionally until I looked back at my journal last night. It’s really amazing and I’m so very grateful to the Dr’s and RV & Lena for helping me find TSM. We all are on different slopes of this addiction, but the impact to our lives is so devasting, even when you are at the ‘teeny tiny’ levels that I was at. I feel like my life has finally been taking off of ice. [Hopefully this does not come across as self-indulgent or showy – truly just think it’s important for people to see how dramatic this method is when you take the timeline away. It's a little long - but I wanted to show the recurring theme / struggle...]
BEFORE
1/11/2008
I need to try something to help me cut back on my drinking. I am drinking 3 large glasses of wine a night and I frequently go and take a few swigs from the bottle when I clean my glass and return it to the cabinet. It’s disgusting. I am so incredibly sore every day. I take 2 aleeve every morning and Claritan-D. Sometimes I also take advil on top of this. I am so sore, and in my heart I think it’s not all back problems, it’s a hangover. But it’s not in my head, it’s in my back and my arms and my legs. I’m in so much pain, the only time I feel alright is after I have my wine. But then the rest of the day I’m probably worse off than if I hadn’t had it. I’m getting more depressed and I literally have no control over my drinking if I go out. I don’t remember coming home from New Year’s Eve or from (nieces) party. I have no recollection of what I said to (daughter) in the car. I remember fighting with (husband) but I don’t know most of what I said. I have to stop. I feel like I can no longer raise my kids – my thought from the minute I wake up is, “how hungover am I today? Do I need to sneak a beer to get over it? Can I make it through the day without any medicine (no)’. I almost started crying when I read ‘My Way Out’ and she described having a glass of wine and truly being done. I have never known that feeling. I only know what it feels like to try to hide how drunk I am or to try to hide how much wine I’ve consumed compared to others…and the next day, try to fix my hangover. I am a mess.
1/18/2008
Last night I drank 3 large glasses of wine and then I think I had some more. Very hungover today. I sent (nanny) to the library with the kids and chugged a glass and then refilled and had another then a short bath…Heating company called right when I was in the tub and I told them to come on Tuesday instead. I didn’t want to get out of the bath and I wasn’t sure if I was 100% sober. I then laid down and ended up taking 1 ½ hour nap. I was so embarrassed I slept that long. On a work day. (I work from home 2 days a week). [This was the first day I started MWO – hypnosis worked for me until May. Other issues still lingered, however.]
2/23/2008
(Sober 1 month) Sitting here at the ice rink watching (daughter) skate. She keeps looking up at me in the stands with a very sad/defiant look. We are late again (only a few minutes) but she is so sensitive to these things. Maybe she is looking up here because the teacher told her she has a makeup lesson to do and either doesn’t want to do it or wants to know if she can. She is a very shaky skater – she needs the lessons for sure.
Her coat is dirty.
I look at her and see this little wonderful person who has been cursed with a mother who has no female skills as a mom and who is an alcoholic (I’m sure the problems are related). I suck at this and I don’t know how to get better. How often are you suppose to wash those coats? Does everyone wash them once a week? Why can’t I get here on time? I just don’t know how to do any of this and somedays I don’t even want to. I’m sure the kids pick up on it. I’m constantly sighing and saying, ‘we’ll see” or “I don’ know, please be quiet”. When will this mothering instinct magically appear? Oh well, she needs a happy confident mom today so I will let this go and be happy.
10/10/2008
…Months later. So, I did pretty well (with MWO Hypno and supps) until right around (daughter’s) first communion. I didn’t drink at that party until everyone left. Then I had a glass or two of wine. I think it was pretty steady downhill from then. That was May…I remember telling (husband) I was going to just drink on the weekends. Then he lost his job in June and we both crept into drinking every night starting with dinner (he stopped after dinner, I did not). I went back immediately to drinking 3 plus large glasses of wine a day. Every night. No breaks. I drank more this time around because of the add’l glasses at dinner.
Now it’s October, it’s Friday and I am hungover again. My throat is killing me, my back hurts, my eyes are all puffy & red. Last night I had a beer with dinner, ½ bottle of wine @ 9:30…then 2 additional beers after that.
My skin is constantly red. My eyes are all red. My back – I can barely walk some days. Sick all the time. I’m depressed and moody. The last 2 staff meetings I held I just babbled on and on – like I was still drunk. I have no control over this – I need to quit completely. For good. I don’t feel like I’m a part of my home life at all – I just kind of wander through it on the sidelines. Last night, I checked the level of wine in my last bottle before putting the kids to bed. I thought, ‘good…there’s almost ¾ of a bottle left.’ And then I thought – ‘well, I can have some beer if that’s not enough’ On Tuesday this week on and off throughout the day at work, I kept thinking, “I’m out of wine and (husband) is out of town. What am I going to do? Should I take the kids out grocery shopping (for wine??)? I could just leave them at home by themselves while I run out – is that bad (yes – it’s bad)?” Then I was sooo excited when I got home and found 2 extra bottles in the pantry. This is not normal. I have no control and need to quit completely.
2/17/2009
Drinking is way out of control. Last weekend…don’t remember. Went to a church function, got drunk started hiccupping and sulking and we had to leave early. Don’t remember the rest. I was also dancing (oh god! Why – why –why do I think I’m still young, cute & flexible? I’m so embarrassed). Snuck beers on Sunday. Totally out of control all weekend and no recollection of any conversations.
2/20/2009
Would give anything (as in A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!) for a few glasses of red wine. So achey. But none in the house.
AFTER – today 7/24/2009
Yesterday was my 20th week mark on TSM. I feel so incredible today. Alive, calm, healthy, gaining confidence every day. My sleeping patterns are unbelievable – I sleep through the night and wake up feeling great (I take tryptophan to help, but the alcohol no longer messes up the level of sleep).
I am averaging 10-15 units a week now. This equates to 4 days AF, 3 days of 1-3 glasses of wine. Most non-AF days are closer to the low end. I have control for the first time ever when I’m at home and out in ‘light’ social situations. Still working on weekends away with Family (have one coming up tonight, so will prepare for it mentally). So much has changed since I started. My overwhelming thoughts of alcohol are completely gone. Completely. I view it as something that causes me very little relief and potentially a lot of pain. I still enjoy a good glass of wine but no longer think of it as a treat or as medicine, just something to enjoy in moderation. If I spike up occassionally (as I did on the 4th of July) - I do not spiral out of control thereafter. That's big. Note that before I had 2 glasses in May 2008 that set me back into full-swing nightly drinking that I could not break out of until October. Big. Big. Big. I also no longer nap during the day or take baths or any of that nonsense. Have not snuck a beer since I've started.
Anxiety, depression, self-esteem have continued to be an issue for me throughout my journey but I am seeing changes in those areas as well. I have found two unbelievable supplements that have dramatically reduced the first two problems. GABA and SAM-e. I can not say enough good things about SAM-e, which I just started this week as a last ditch effort prior to either going on Baclofen or anti-depressants. I take 800+mg a day and it has immediately lifted me from a depression I’ve never been able to completely get rid of. My anxiety is crazy-dramatically decreased as well – I no longer feel all scrunched up inside and noises no longer bother me. I’m enjoying life – my body feels like it’s buzzing with happiness inside. I don’t take any pain relievers any more…I no longer have allergies. My anxiety may increase at certain times of the month – time will tell, but I really think the SAM-e has been the last piece of the puzzle for me.
Self-doubt about my mothering skills…well. I will begin staying home full time with my kids in September and while it is still terrifying on some levels to me, it is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I finally feel like I’m physically and emotionally capable of being a good mom. I know in my heart that I have gone back to work after each child because I did not trust my drinking problem around them. My joke has always been (in my head) that I would never hire me to take care of my kids. I no longer feel that way – I finally think I am the best candidate and that my focus can now be on them, not on drinking. I can not explain how incredible that feels to say…and to feel. I also wash my kids coats when I get to it now and could give two figs how often any other mother does it : ). The cleaniness of my kid's coats is not how I plan to measure my mothering skills. Staying in control of my drinking and anxiety/depression and showing them that life is something to be enjoyed are my goals. It’s suppose to be fun, right? I finally have the physical & emotional resources to have a little fun. And fun no longer has anything what-so-ever to do with Alcohol.
See you all on this side of the equation in the blink of an eye…
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