Happy holidays everybody! I just wanted to check in because it's been a couple of months. Today I am 6 months and fifteen days sober.
I just wanted to share a few thoughts on my 6 months of sobriety. What it's like and what is surprising
1.Sober life is complex. Sometimes I Feel Complete and happy and accomplished, and sometimes I feel like life was so much easier when I could just hide from my feelings. The feelings you experience when you are totally sober are a son of a b-tch.
Maybe people that are not alcoholics feel this intensity of emotions all the time but they are accustomed to it. I am still learning to feel what I feel without freaking out. Nothing huge. It can be the tiniest thing, and I am sensitive and Moody and panicky.
2. Another thing that is new is I have become incredibly introverted. I don't mind it. Maybe I was like this all along but I was just hiding it with the booze. As you know I got a promotion at work a couple of months ago, and the increase in my workload is very substantial. So this is keeping me occupied and sending me to bed early. Not leaving much time for social life. Like I said, it's not bad, but it's definitely different
3. Thankfully I haven't gained a bunch of weight since going sober. I was worried that I would since I'm not drinking my dinners anymore and have to eat real food. But I have only gained maybe 4 pounds or maybe less. My face has filled out a little bit since I'm not so dehydrated from drinking all the time and I get compliments on looking younger than my years now! I never got those types of comments before when I was drinking like crazy.
4. I'm lazier now, which that part is really surprising. I guess because so much of my energy has been given to the new position at work and to staying sober, I just am completely out of energy. I do the basic things that I have to do, like pay the bills and pay someone to do necessary repairs around the house, but I am a worse housekeeper now than I have ever been. I mean it's really bad. I'm trying not to give myself a hard time about it, because there are plenty of nice people who don't keep a tidy house. Priorities. If I'm sober and not in jail and not in the hospital and my bills are getting paid then I am doing fine for now. I will have the rest of my life to clean up my house
5. I didn't stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. As some of you know that have been reading me for a long time, I was opposed to AA in the beginning, which is why I tried nal, and I was reluctant about AA when I finally went cold turkey on alcohol. I ended up going to only two meetings total. It really just isn't my scene. I appreciate the part about the higher power, because I do believe in God and I do pray, but beyond that I think it just isn't a great match for me. I mentioned my new introverted life, of course, and it is not really for introverts
6. That doesn't mean I have been going this totally alone, though. I have a core group of maybe five friends and a couple of family members that know the truth, and I can be honest with them. And this is a group of people that has been so wonderful and supportive and respectful of my decision and they never miss an opportunity to make me feel special and loved , and to congratulate me. It turns out that people that I didn't even exactly know if I should tell the information to have been some of my biggest fans
7. Which brings me to my last point. There were a lot of people that I ended up deciding not to tell at all. As you may recall, one of my biggest fears about going sober entirely was having to turn away drinks, and then get into a lengthy explanation about why I'm an alcoholic and can't drink. I didn't want that for myself. Turns out, I need not have feared that. There's a lot of people for whom it is just not their GD business. If there are people that won't respect your decision or that are going to be gossiping about what you tell them, or that you just don't feel comfortable being honest with, it is totally okay to avoid those people or just outright lie to them. There have been several times over the past six months I have politely turned away a drink by saying, oh, no thank you. Not tonight. And then when the drink is pushed again, I will say oh, my stomach is being weird. I deflect the line of questioning altogether. That is totally OK. This is about my health and Sanity and I don't. Owe any honesty or explanation or anything other than the most basic of Civility. I have kind of had to divide my friendships, or former friendships, into categories, For Better or For Worse. Sometimes I felt sad or guilty because I was definitely losing people in the equation. But in the end, why do you want to align your life and your social Pursuits with someone who you know you can't be honest with? So I had to graciously and gently walk away from a few people that had been basically only drinking buddies and now obviously cannot be that to me
Anyway, I know this is a lot. I hope it helps someone that might be contemplating sobriety or struggling with it. I am learning everyday as I go and I appreciate all the people here that were rooting for me
Sobriety is interesting and different and I hope I someday become as good at it as I am at writng excessively long posts... Haha
***EDIT I swear this is the last thing LOL. Final thought. Sleeplessness! So the last thing I want to share about my new sobriety is that trying to go to sleep without that nightcap or let's be honest, total drunkenness, is pretty damn difficult.
I had had trouble sleeping for years, even with the alcohol, but not having the depressant in my system to nod off made it even worse.
About three months into my sobriety I couldn't take it anymore and went to a general practitioner / MD and got some mild sleep aids. Basically an extra strength prescription for Benadryl-type stuff that makes you drowsy. I know probably some addiction purists would say that taking something like that every night means you're still addicted to something. But it's not habit forming and it doesn't feel like anything except drowsiness so I don't feel guilty.
Even if it's bad for me I don't care. If I die, at least I will die after 8 hours of sleep LOL.
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