Hey guys, it's been awhile since I've logged in here. Looks like traffic on the site is pretty slow, but it's always therapeutic for me to post here. I'm one of the "quick responders" to Nal; started in January 2013, had quite a dramatic change, did 16 months alcohol free, moved to Florida about 18 months ago, and have been drinking without Nal for about 17 months. I was just reading through my "Journaling a Year without Alcohol" page to give me some inspiration to do it again. I have 14 Nal pills left.

Anyway, update on my life. My drinking really peaked in May-August after we bought a big fixer upper here in Florida. I would bust my ass from 7:00AM until 11:00PM all my days off, and would drink heavily from about 5:00PM until bed. I had a really "bad trip" one night after drinking my normal half pint vodka straight on an empty stomach, followed by an "extra strength" Four Loko (not realizing four lokos are equivalent to 5 drinks). I went temporarily insane. I had a hallucinatory conversation with my wife about my drinking and then got very paranoid -- I stumbled like a zombie over to an empty house in the neighborhood and then just sat on the ground by the pool for a few hours. It was pretty scary (and absurd).

Over the next few weeks, my wife got more confrontational about my drinking -- at least by her standards. Asking me things like, "So, what's going on with your drinking?" We've continued to have marriage problems (which aren't directly related to alcohol, but definitely aren't helped by it). As far as drinking goes, I told her a few weeks ago that I wanted to stop because nothing good comes from it. This was after yet another emotional fight we had about her constantly refusing sex and affection (again, not related to alcohol as it happened when I was sober, too; just that I don't get emotional when I'm sober). I did a few alcohol free nights (enjoyed them as always), but have mostly returned to my drinking baseline, which is secretly chugging a half pint of vodka on an empty stomach and then drinking 1-2 beers in front of her, maybe some more secret vodka, and maybe 1/2 a secret Four Loko. This is definitely enough for me to have my recurring memory lapses, avoidance behavior (i.e. not talking to my kids, not affectionate to my wife, doing "alone" things like hanging out at the pier by myself), complete lack of productivity, and erectile dysfunction during my thrice a month duty-booty.

My plan is to take my 14 pills, chop about three of them into half, and force myself to do the Nal+1 Hour+Alcohol for at least 10 sessions before I try to go alcohol free again. As I've said before, the difference between being a frequent drinker and a non-drinker is more like a wispy curtain than a wall. It's a very subtle feeling that one experiences while cured, but it's just enough that it isn't a struggle to not-drink. I remember the feeling well, I just can't get myself back to it without Naltrexone.

My motivation to stop is, first, so I can regain some productivity and reclaim the absolute pleasure I get out of life without alcohol. I'm working on getting licensed in another health care area (I'm an emergency RN now), but can't get anything done because of the drinking. Working out again has boosted my testosterone which has made me much more motivated in general, so that's been a factor. Also, and it may sound sad, but I'm working towards an eventual divorce in a little as 1.5 years (we're definitely staying together "for the kids," but that's getting less and less necessary each year). We have our 25th coming up this summer. I just want to make sure that I don't make such a monumental decision when I'm not at my best self. I also want to make sure that she will be in a better position to make it on her own, as she will likely never re-partner with somebody and doesn't make that much money. From my experience, being sober makes me much more affectionate and present. For example, I never "hold" her at night when we go to bed if I'm drunk (a) I don't want her to smell the booze, and (b) I just want to sleep. We don't talk much when I'm drunk because I don't want to slur (ah, the life of a secret drinker).

Positive steps I've taken = I bought another home gym (a "rack" set up, having left my other one in my previous state) and have started working out again -- squats and deadlifts mostly. I started doing 15 minutes a day of Zen meditation and have become part of a local Zen group, and told my wife I was going to do it (religion is a top problem we have, as we started out very religious [Catholic] and I became an agnostic, geez, like 13 years ago, but I'm "forbidden" to let anyone know). I've learned how to make kava with the idea of it being an alcohol substitute. May not be a good idea, as the times I've drank it, it just makes me want the much-stronger buzz of alcohol. We'll see, though, as it theoretically is a nice way to relax and have a "happy hour" without the mind-dulling effects of alcohol.

Thanks for listening and I'll try to have a positive update soon.

Great to hear from you again, Barry! Don't wait till you have positive news, this ain't AA man! Just come as you are.

Hi Barry, I liked your post. Are you going to start back on TSM soon? I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems. Even though it's torture, I commend you for staying together for the kids. I had a long-term relationship end during my TSM treatment. The decreased drinking certainly helped me through the process. I cannot imagine how much I would've been drinking if I didn't have my Naltrexone. I think the reduced drinking helped me think more clearly about the relationship as well. Good luck with the fixer-upper, those are always WAY more than we anticipate.

stay the course with TSM. odds are things will pick up again. good luck!

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I have an update, but it's not really positive. So, I posted last on November 18, today is December 22. I started to rationalize -- "I'll start after Thanksgiving," then "I'll start after the holidays." Drinking continued every night, sometimes starting at 3:00PM. Lots of blackouts, diarrhea, terrible ED, etc... Last Sunday night, per my idea, we hosted a neighbor Christmas party. I started drinking at 2:45. Basically, I embarrassed myself and my family that night. My eyes were severely blood shot and dull, and I literally didn't say a word to anyone. I woke up the next morning (don't remember going to bed), did my usual memory scan, and realized I had really screwed up (yet again). My wife called from work with "that voice," and I could really sense the most negative feeling a woman can have for a man -- disgust.

I decided that morning, "I have to do TSM." I was working that night, so I took one tiny 1/2 of a pill (25mg), waited an hour, chugged half a beer (which tasted disgusting), and took my pre-work nap around 4:00.

OMG did it suck. I started with the usual nausea, then was having really bizarre unpleasant dreams. My all-nighter at work was just misery -- intense nausea, especially, plus a feeling of overall dread (I took a Zofran tablet, which helped for about three hours, then it came right back). Endured the shift, went home and slept, woke up nauseous again. That was almost 72 hours ago, and I still can sense the unpleasant feeling.

Tonight will be my third AF night. I just can't bring myself to take another Naltrexone. It's pretty amazing that such a little pill can create such havoc in my body and mind. I get sick just THINKING about Naltrexone.

I'm kind of in a tough spot. I've learned time and again that I can't drink moderately...there's just something messed up in my brain that's deep-seated and probably related to my adolescent drinking. Drinking is deadly to my marriage...I don't want to admit it to my wife, but I think it's probably responsible for 60% of our marriage problems in one form or another. Naltrexone is the only thing that has ever worked...yet I absolutely hate it. It takes way more strength to take a Nal than it does to not-drink.

So, I'm going to have to just call it a day and get on with not-drinking (I like to call it an "alcohol fast"). I don't "feel" much different than I did when I was "cured" and easily went 16 months AF (recall, also, that that stretch of sobriety was kick started with just one Nal pill after drinking, so it's not like I went through a lengthy extinction period). Although it's probably more of a very powerful aversion thing, Naltrexone is just wickedly effective in unmotivating me to drink.

Barry -

Sorry you're having such a rough time of it! While I don't blame you for wanting to go AF, it might be good to have some kind of "Plan B" as people often return to drinking when going the strict abstinence route. Concerning the Nal-overs, it's not hard to imagine that the Nal is blocking any endorphins that might make alcohol withdrawal/hangover easier, especially in your case, especially when drinking to blackout.

Since you have such a huge reaction to the Nal, it may be that a rather lower dose might do the trick for you. Some get along fine with a really low dose, say 5mg. You can dissolve a 50mg pill in 50ml of water, which would make a solution of 1mg per ml.

2 things wrt the Zofran: Perhaps you need to start earlier with it and/or boost your dose? Maybe going the "low dose" Naltrexone route would obviate the need for it? Dunno. I'm not any kind of doctor at all, so I'm just tossing stuff out here.

Curious thing is that Zofran has been tested as an anti-AUD medication itself. The effective dose was much lower, in the range of 4 micrograms per kilogram (the study is published) while the standard dose didn't seem to do much at all. Unfortunately, there aren't many studies on this and there aren't likely to be. Isradipine falls into a similar slot, perhaps worth taking a look at.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10944641

Baclofen is another GABA agonist that works for people, but you can't be impulsive about it. You have to ramp up slowly to the point where you become indifferent to alcohol, then ramp back down to a maintenance dose. More about that at TheEndOfMyAddiction. In any case, you can't just hack it off and stop suddenly or there will be big trouble.

Are you aware of how the Striatum is involved in addiction?

Hang in there, mate. One way or the other, you'll get there.

Hi B, I am emergency Nurse as well and can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. For me it has been more of a progressive decline from problematic drinker to drinker over the last year, six pack 5 times a week has turned into almost 2 six packs daily. I also have a life long history of being referred to as captain fucked. back in those days i only drank socially, but as a waitress in a sharehouse you can imagine how that went. When I drink I overshare, ad overcuddle and once i reach tipping point, there is no way back. and tipping point has recently come after 2/3 beers. MORE MORE!! My current partner is also a drinker, but seems to have a slightly better handle on himself. But he has also been enabling. Anyway, yesterday was day 3 on 25mg and I have had 2.5 beers. the kicker here is the 0.5. I left it there. I went to bed and couldnt sleep out of excitement. maybe this is really going to work? I am feeling myself this morning for the first time in weeks. I am amazed. From what I have read it appears people like you and me can never again drink without the nal, which I find daunting and a bit sad. but looking at claudia in her one little pill vid. maybe its not that bad. have a keyring container... and just take the fucker. EVERY time. And as others have suggested, try zofran with it?! As for your marriage. I can only say to you that a womans biggest sex organ is the brain. when we feel our emotional needs are met, we are much more likely to get turned on. a lot of women loose their sex drive once kids are in the picture. I know how important sex is for men and I for one have a very high libido, but the story you are telling I hear over and over and over. All i can suggest, as a long term game plan, if you implement little things that make her life easier as cook dinner, take kids out, buy flowers etc, draw a bath, take her out... listen to her... she might over time be more receptive to the horizontal boogie. But who knows your marriage seems to have other issues. good luck to you, keep us in the loop. XX

Thanks guys. I suppose I could try to dramatically reduce my Naltrexone if need be. The main light at the end of my tunnel is my long period of abstinence with almost zero cravings and a much-improved life. I consciously (and foolishly) decided to have a couple drinks, which worked fine for a while. It took me almost six months to get back to full-blown alcohol abuse; I've been there for nearly a year now.

So, as before, my goal is 100% permanent abstinence. I have no withdrawal symptoms to worry about, as I'm already 4 days out from my last drink.

P.S. I don't have a Rx for Zofran. I just "borrowed" one at work.

Cool, man. Keep us filled in!

Well, I made it through the holidays AF! Really not a big deal and it has already solved a few acute problems for me. I still haven't officially "announced" to my wife et al. that I'm doing another extended abstinence. I figure I'd get a few more weeks in for some more credibility.

Also, I must say kava has been a nice tool to help be free from alcohol (I wish I'd discovered it years ago). It definitely doesn't make me crave alcohol once I get the initial effect from the tea, and most definitely relaxes you with zero to very minimal loss in mental clarity and sharpness. Depending on the type, you can also get that "magical" feeling that alcohol gives you, but in a more controlled, short-lived way. It will be nice to have it for special occasions, evenings at the beach, etc... where I would normally binge and lose ALL mental clarity (and most memories). It tastes terrible, is hard to prepare, and is expensive, but it's worth it for me. If interested, a good place to start is kavaforums.com, and I've found bulakava a good place to buy it. It takes a few sessions until you feel much (reverse tolerance), but someone here might find some usefulness for it. (It's also "cool," part of surfer culture, Hawaiian culture, etc...). I've also tried the paste; you can put a tiny amount between your cheek and gum and it definitely has (subtle) anti-anxiety effects.