Its been maybe 4 months since I posted here. I started the sinclair method in May. since then my drinking did half. I still drank most days but less of an amount. I also found I didn't crave alcohol in the morning. I haven't missed a day since of work due to alcohol since starting the method. I reported a side effect of insomnia which has also gone away and I now have a doctor in London willing to prescipe me naltrexone.

I was feeling quite positive that I had found a solution. Over the last three 4 weeks things have taken a turn for the worse. Ive been really disappointed with my life. Ive been really alone and isolated and just felt like I have no future. As a result I have been drinking every night. I found out some news on thursday that turned me inside out and since then Ive been feeling suicidal. Ive been on a charity site and looked at document on suicidal feelings and it it reads exactly how I'm feeling. Im starting to wonder if I was ever actually addicted to alcohol or if I was just self medicating or if there is a difference. The thing is alcohol still gives me relief even on naltrexone. Theres so much about AA which I really can't stand but I long for the support because I feel really alone and I'm afraid of my thoughts. Total abstinence doesn't appeal to me. Ive been told for years that I have a disease which doesn't make sense to me. I feel that if I could just get help for the way I see myself and life, if I could gain some confidence and hope then I wouldn't need to drink everyday.

This might be off topic for this forum but I don't really know where to reach out for help

I think support and connection with other people is crucial given your situation. Don't isolate yourself. Go to an AA meeting. Go to therapy if that is an option for you. I found great success dealing with anxiety and depression through Gestalt Body Centered Therapy.

I did a quick search and there seems to be a lot of Gestalt therapists in London. Check this out:

http://www.gestaltbodymind.co.uk/

I would definitely recommend a group format over 1 on 1 therapy but either will be powerful given the right therapist.

I know hearing someone tell you to hang in there and that things will get better doesn't do much for you when you are in the throws of depression. I have been there. But it is true. All things change and feelings are no different. One thing I learned is to not resist your feelings but allow yourself to fully feel them. This helps them run their course rather than getting bottled up inside you.

I really wish you well. Please do not give up hope.

rmz - if you are indeed in UK, please call the Samaritans! They will offer advice to you and help you - they will listen and give suggestions. Please let us know how you fare .....

Hugs, Maggie

Yes, rmz, you could well have been self-medicating. It happens a lot.

I think Maggie's idea of getting in touch with the Samaritans is a good one. I've heard they do indeed help.

Perhaps Moderation Management meetings would help too?

http://www.moderation.org/meetings/inde ... =en&mid=33

There's also SMART Recovery, I think they have face to face meetings in London, some are more tolerant about moderation than others.

Also check Mind/Depression Alliance:

http://mind.org.uk/about-us/what-we-do/ ... -alliance/

And of course, do talk to your doctor about this asap!

Please check in often and let us know how it's going for you, rmz! Like daily, even.

Thank you for the replies, I have reached out to my friends also and as hard as its been to talk about this (I feel a lot of shame around it) I think its a positive step. I am interested in trying that gestalt therapy. I have also seen my doctor who is referring me to a psychiatrist. I don't want to go on meds but I feel I diffinately need some kind of therapy. I feel I have insight into my problems but don't feel strong enough to tackle them without help. I believe although addiction is a problem on its own the driving force behind it for me is low self esteem and not a disease I was born with. I got some news on wednesday that side swiped me and thats what has brought this on. Before that I was not happy though and from the reading Ive been doing everything points to low self worth which is nothing more than a belief. I have been staying off the booze for the last three days because it just makes things worse plus I know that its using alcohol to try increase my self esteem or forget about my low self worth that has kept me from more productive ways of dealing with my problems as well as just decreasing my sense of worth. I know this is off topic of the sinclair method and I apologise but I don't have any other platform to speak on. I don't want to die but Im really afraid I can't overcome this or don't have the strength to do what is needed.

We don't care if it's off topic, rmz. If you want to post here every day about what's going on for you, just go ahead whenever you have the notion to do so.

Get out and get some exercise, especially the 2nd afternoon after your last dose of Naltrexone. Your opioid receptors will be primed for the endorphins from the exercise and you should get an extra bang out of it.

If your doc puts you on a SSRI antidepressant, keep an eye on whether or not that has an impact on your drinking and report back to your doc.

How's your sleep been?

Shame is a major issue I dealt with through Gestalt therapy. It was so much more effective than any other type of talk therapy I have ever experienced. I can't recommend it enough because it did so much for me.

Also, I recommend a book entitled "Healing the Shame the Binds You" by John Bradshaw. When I read this book it blew my mind because he so accurately described my mindset and how the psychology of shame is impressed upon another person.

I can go on about this topic.... Just know that there is a solution...

my sleep hasn't been too bad, i go to bed really early, like 8. my mind races all day and that exhausts me plus I'm going home to an empty house which is quite lonely and boring. some nights I wake up early and can't get back to sleep. Last night I slept well and I feel a little better today. Thank you again, its been a real help talking about this.

You might want to check into L-Theanine for the racing mind, it's fairly inexpensive and while it doesn't work for everyone, when it does work it works well. Something else that works well with Naltrexone is Gabapentin, which (again, for some, but not all) has an anxiolytic effect.

I saw a psychiatrist who put me on seroquel. The mental health department I went to have been really good, they saw me quickly and have been really friendly and understanding. Its the best help Ive received on the NHS.