Thanks, guys. It is sad and frustrating (and totally self-inflicted). The last four nights have been awful -- well, not really awful when I'm in them, but awful when I wake up at 5:00AM and start trying to piece together the previous night. Saturday I started drinking at noon and ended up having 10 vodka minis and three or so beers. We were out watching the sunset at the dock and a fight nearly broke out (over dogs, of course) between two men. I ended up breaking it up and walking a man backwards off the dock. The next day, everyone was going over details of the fight -- who said what, etc... -- and I didn't remember any of it. Just that I got in front of an angry man and backed him off the dock. Anyway, tons of missing details from each night, just like the old days.

Luckily, I work tonight, so I can get a break from myself (and deal with drunk people in the ER!). Here's how it's been going. Wake up with shame, resolving to not drink. Three or four o'clock rolls around and I just robotically go to the liquor store and get 2-4 vodka minis. I quickly drink them and then a switch is flipped. I feel good and drink more and more. My wife comes home from work at 5:30 and, by then, I'm generally buzzing heavily. Then I drink some more (secretly) and eventually go to bed. I'd say the main thing I'd note about it all is (a) how alcohol hurts relationships, in my case mainly because I don't interact much with my wife or kids while drinking -- I'm in a narcissistic bubble for hours on end, (b) how I don't get anything accomplished while drinking and during the next morning, (c) how my health is faltering...I've lost about 10 pounds of muscle mass from not eating as much and not working out and how my mental health is declining via decreased memory and cognition and increased depression / anxiety.

I definitely feel trapped. If I hadn't had the previous success and great experience with sobriety, I can see how I or someone else could just surrender to drugs or alcohol. It's really weird.

And, no, I'm not taking Naltrexone but I definitely should. There's no way I can even drink three drinks on Naltrexone and it makes me feel like complete sh&t for 48 hours, worse than I ever do "the morning after." I keep trying to regain sobriety without Naltrexone, and failing miserably. I haven't strung two AFs together in months, I suppose.

I hope this is just a low point for me and that I'll soon resurrect.

P.S. Regarding religion, I still attend Church and participate enthusiastically each Sunday. So, I hide my non-belief from my kids, and I hide my drinking from everyone. I'm just a sham, I suppose.

Barry, have you ever tried taking the Nal and not drinking to see if you still feel lousy the next day?

Along with the Nalover, it sounds like you don't have a good support system in place for the underlying issues that keep driving you to self-medicate with booze. I mean, drinking is one way of handling it, but it seems there's got to be a healthier approach to the problem.

Barry, at least you know what to do when you are ready to ease up. For most people any side effects of taking the nal do go away in at most a couple of weeks. I hope that has been your past experience too.

Wishing the best for you.

Newlife

Barry, I've been thinking about you, how are you doing these days?

Barry! I last spoke to you a few years ago on this forum. I had some problems myself in the last year with falling off the nal wagon. I have upped my dosage to 75 mg and am cutting out all hard liquor. Just beer and wine. Have you ever tried cutting out hard liquor? I am only one day into this so I don't know if it will help but I feel the vodka was just too much of an overload and maybe didn't allow the nal to work for me.

I'm here for you man if you need any support.