Week 9

Drinks:
(0, 4, 0, 5, 0, 0, 0) ::: 9 total

Thanks Joe6, reboot, and Newlife for the comments!

I went to Yoga after a few AF days and jammed out some positive endorphins. It really felt great to stretch, feel the ground, be with others, and get my body moving. It also reminded me what an inflexible fat fart I've become... Hopefully I can retrain my brain to seek out more exercise and positive activities.

I can't stress enough how grateful I am to NOT have a mild daily hangover. Feeling no anxiety, headache, bubble gut, or dry mouth is absolutely fantastic. It's still weird and new but I've just been enjoying my mornings a hell of a lot more.

On day 4 of this week, I had a poker experiment. I love poker, but alcohol + poker has been a dangerous combo for me. I've had a lot of experience chasing that mega-rush of a beer buzz combined with a gambling craziness. Often not being able to get enough, staying up late, and losing all my money only to return home wasted and embarrassed. So this past Sunday I played in a 90 person tournament and didn't drink until half-way through (with my Nal, obviously). I placed 4th for a $2k win! And paced out 5 draft beers over about 4 hours.

Typically when I start drinking I actually play a little better than sober. I get more bold and aggressive and people don't know what I have. But there is quickly a turning point where my brashness turns into stupidity. Many times, I've crushed a table winning hundreds, but most drinking sessions turn south and my constant raises are eventually answered with more loose calls. My drunken bluffing doesn't work forever. But I am pretty good and conservative sober, so that's how I played Sunday. Patient and social, it was nice to just interact, and have fun waiting for my spots. Gone was that rush of "gotta, gotta, gotta" drink more and risk more. The nal blocked all that nonsense from my brain, and it was fantastic to just play and do well.

Went home after and didn't drink anymore (where I would have usually had a few more celebratory ones.) But the next day I felt pretty crummy actually. Way more than 5 beers would have made me feel pre-nal. But the good news is that I enjoyed the beer. I liked the taste and was able to drink it normally. I even turned down a free shot bought for the final table. I'm still hoping that I eventually lose more and more interest in drinking and make it more and more rare. We'll see...

-Wolfie

Fantastic news, Wolfie, you're coming along really well! Thank you kindly for the update!

What you say about playing poker reminds me of my experience playing guitar with my band. At gigs I'd always have a 'water' bottle on stage which often times was about 3oz orange juice and the rest straight vodka. When it hit just right early on it really was an enhancement. The alcohol would lower my inhibitions and allow me to take risks playing on stage and I could pull off some really cool solo's and so on. The next day the band would tell me how much of a wreck I'd become towards the end and of course I'd not remember a thing. Sounds all good to me man

Fortunalty the crowd was often time in just as bad or a worse state of mind as I was lol.

Anyway sounds like you are on the right track!

nice going! like the poker story and band story, I've had many similar experiences where I was (or thought I was) better at something with a little buzz, then proceeded to let it all go south, taking more risks. your pacing of beers is huge and isn't it great to come home and remember the hands, the conversations, the turning points, etc? Nal on!

Week 10

Some nice drinkin' sessions this week!

Drinks:
(0, 6, 3.5, 6, 0, 6.5, 0, 0) ::: total 22

There was a lunch with 2 buddies that involved Saki, then beers back at my place. There was a Super Bowl with plenty of beer and fun. A night with another couple at a great restaurant. Then a solid night of drinking white wine, and even more after my wife went to bed.

I'm not too distraught at the amounts though. All seems like part of the process. And here's the main thing: those ~6 unit nights would have been 10+ nights not on Nal!

I know for a fact that if I was my old self, not interested in curbing my drinking and not having taken naltrexone I would have had tons more. I know that buzzy, rushy feeling, and I was able to notice it still there this week a few times, but found it more tamped down. That instinct/urge was foggier and more distant, and it was definitely missing the MUST-drink-one-more feeling. I stayed up till 2 AM watching some crazy netflix 80s movies, smoked a little pot and was enjoying myself on night 6 of this week. I felt a vague urge to rummage through the fridge or liquor cabinet to get more booze in me, but just didn't... and am thankful I stopped at 6.5. But had that good ole 4/10 level hangover the next day.

But it's really nice not to have had any hangovers greater than medium sized ones since starting TSM. I used to have mega-awful day-ruining hangovers after epic nights. Hopefully those are in the past b/c they sure suck.

Otherwise all good. My therapist keep trying to get me to go over past resentments. I literally haven't been able to find one thing I'm resentful towards. I later found this exercise was from the AA big book. I don't think I obsess too much over people, concepts or events that wronged me. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but I think I drank a lot simply because I liked to drink. All this AA psychology rubs me such the wrong way. I don't want to linger on negative feelings. This Larry King interview sums up the way I feel about the difference between traditional AA recovery vs TSM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqwgTixmPUU

Just like Claudia, I was drinking a lot in my late 30s. Had a great childhood with no trauma. I don't believe in any deities. But I definitely do have the drinking gene. My brain is unfortunately wired up to get a rush when I drink, and I got addicted to that rush. No resentments or bad experiences forced me into this pattern of drinking heavily. With TSM, I've been able to remove that rush, and I feel slowly my brain is reducing associating those crazy endorphins with drinking, and I can (hopefully) drink "normally" again in the future with Nal.

OK, Nal on, and will check in again next week.

-W

Good control on the top end, Wolfie!

Sounds like your doc is a bit behind the times. Have you checked C3's Find a Physician list?

http://www.cthreefoundation.org/find-a-physician.html

If you're inclined to switch and don't find anything on the list, shoot me a PM with the nearest big city and I'll see what I can find. I sent in a few to be verified but they haven't made it on to the list yet.

===

I wanted to post a bit about what not wanting to drink feels like.

Right this moment, it's 5:52 on a cold Friday evening. I have a noon flight out of town tomorrow, so plenty of time in the AM to laze around. I was relatively productive today and currently the wife is still at work. It's getting dark, and day is transitioning to night. All said and done, it's the perfect time for me to pour a lovely glass of wine.

There is even a half a bottle of nice white wine in the fridge. (Last night my wife had two glasses while we watched Straight Outta Compton and I had sparkling water.)

I was hungry earlier today and noticed the wine sitting there at least twice while checking the fridge for a snack.

But, right now, I have no desire to pour a glass. I have an urge to remember to reach for a glass or a bottle of beer or something... but when my mind plays through the idea of a cold one in my hand... something stops. There's no logical next action. No motivation to pour one. It's like reaching for a rope that's usually there and finding none. A very new and strange feeling indeed.

I guess if a buddy came over and wanted a beer, I'd be down. But I'd need to take my Nal and kill time for an hour. I guess I could do that solo, but the idea of watching the clock for an hour and then being a little sleepy just isn't worth it. Plus, like I said earlier, I really don't want it right now. I am, what they call indifferent-- which is my goal for TSM.

Technically my goal would be like 1000 straight nights of indifference, not just one. But one solid evening of indifference feels great right now. I feel in no way cured and sense my path is just getting started and will continue to evolve up and down. But I just wanted to express a bit what this feeling of a lack of an urge feels like. Something I'd like someone who was on the fence about trying TSM to read.

I'm not fighting an urge. I'm not struggling, resisting, distracting myself, wishing cravings were less, or actually pouring a glass hoping it doesn't turn into 10. I'm just sitting here on the couch not drinking wondering what to do this evening.

Even just now, during this typing session, my wife called and said she'll be a bit late tonight. Even more reason to grab a solid buzz solo before she got home. But it doesn't look like I'm going to. I could if I wanted to (it wouldn't be a big deal), and if I did want to I probably would. But I'm not going to because I just don't want it, and so I won't... and for that, I'm thankful.

-W

Great post, Wolfie!

Yes. Its about restoring your choice in the matter. Congratulations on hitting that milestone!

Wow Wolfie
I just sat and read through all your posts. They are fascinating. Thank you for posting. I'm now into week 6, still on 25mg as it hurts going up to 50mg. The 25 mg seems to be working for me as I haven't drank any more than 4 standard Aussie units in a day. I like reading about your feelings about not drinking. I've found it similar. I remember on new years eve being with my daughter at the beach and thinking so lustfully about going to the Bottleshop and getting some craft beer to drink on new years eve. That feeling has gone - that strong drink lust for that first rush of that first mouthful.
It is so good to not be chained to the drink! I go to Smart recovery and just tell them Im using NAL for the cravings. I find the meetings helpful. I like talking about changing the habit with the other people there. They are mainly abstinent but they don't look down at all on me for moderating. I guess I also like it because it helps me get out of the house and not sit at home and drink.

Really inspiring to read your posts Wolfie

MD