Welcome, Virginia. I so identify with what you say here. I'm a high functioning person by nature (as are most of our regular posters). Have succeeded at almost anything I set my hand to - but believe me, it was by being tenacious and hard working. I found some journals and record keeping calendars of mine from 15+ years ago, detailing the work (writing) I had completed, where it had been submitted, responses, etc., etc. I was amazed to see just how organized and dedicated I was - I got up before 5 a.m. just to have some quiet writing time b/4 the husband and kids interrupted my day. I wrote for myself during those hours - fiction, poetry, etc. - and after everyone left and I got the house in order, I worked on various paying writing assignments. Afternoons I rode my bike or went for a swim at the local Y. I was highly disciplined, and over time became quite successful. . .

. . .but then, as you say, alcohol stole all my energy, thoughts, and motivation. Thank God I could coast for awhile! Otherwise I'd probably be on the public dole. As it is I'm completing a book assignment that was actually due almost a year ago - my editor has been very forgiving at giving me extensions on the deadline. I simply didn't have the motivation to put my nose to the grindstone. Life spun out of control for a few years (not entirely due to alcohol - but I'd probably have caught things sooner and suffered far less if I had not curled up in a bottle).

As for the habit part of the addiction, I'm not so sure I can consciously change my habits until the addiction is eliminated. The addiction rules my actions, and not the other way around. I've tried to consciously change my activities, habits, etc., and at least for me it doesn't work. Yesterday for example, I didn't start to drink until 4 in the afternoon (I often start around 2). My sister came over and we splashed around in the pool. I promised myself a limit of ONE bottle of wine, and that I would drink slowly. Guess what? Didn't happen. I drank 11 units (2 bottles + 1 more glass) altogether - the most I've had in one day since starting TSM.

It's great that SpringRider was able to stretch the envelope and consciously abstain for longer periods of time - but remember, he was a binge drinker who consciously abstained for regular periods of time prior to TSM. Not me. My habit is that as soon as I feel I want a drink, I have a drink. In fact, the very thought of it lights me up! Isn't that nuts, when I wake every morning dreading the thought of having another one of those insane, uncontrollable urges to drink? But by mid-afternoon all the regret and self-recrimination has faded completely away, and I'm ready for the first drink. My brain just totally blanks out any other thought than that of how good it will feel to have that first glass of wine. To think I could change that by consciously changing my habits just isn't reasonable, since the drinking is totally unconscious in the first place!

I'm anticipating a day when the thought of drinking will no longer turn off my conscious desire not to drink, my cravings will be low or non-existent, and I will be able to 'just say NO!'

I just realized something: on Tues. night I only had 5 units, but had nothing in my stomach b/c some mexican food hit me the wrong way and I quit trying to eat. I got so loaded that I had the first 'vague out' since starting TSM. So yesterday I made a conscious decision to eat as much as possible before and during the time I was drinking. I ate more than I have in weeks - so the alcohol didn't affect me as strongly as usual. My innate response? I felt compelled to drink more in order to try to get the buzz. But I didn't get very buzzed at all - in fact, I was much more sober than the day b/4, when I'd had half the amount of alcohol.

Just another case of my brain crying out: "Waaa!!! I want my bobba!"

Hi goin4more,

I wrote a long post this morning in reply to yours and the server wouldn't connect - will post again later. Thanks for your reply, can relate to all of it...

Virginia

I'm glad you wrote about this. Consciously cutting down on drinking is NOT a requirement of TSM and, in fact, is not a part of TSM -- it's only an-add on that grew out of a response on this board by Dr. Eskapa that it would be okay to try to reduce units as long as craving allows it (paraphrasing). G4M, what you describe sounds like the essence of craving. It's ok; no, its essential to drink in response to intense craving.

Thankfully, my craving has gone down, so I'm willing to try cutting down a bit as long as I don't beat myself up if it doesn't work out. If we as a group focus on this too much, it's possible we'll drift from the principle of TSM that we really don't consciously choose to drink. Conversely, we we set ourselves up for a letdown if we try to choose to drink less too soon in the process.

Maybe, instead of the three-month mark, we should consider significantly lower craving level as the "later stages".

It helps to remember the subtitle of Eskapa's book is, "Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort."

Have you tried crushing your pill to enhance absorption?

Remember, you're at that spot where so many get discouraged. We'll prop you up 'til you can (as someone on the MWO board says) pull yourself up by your bra straps.

Thanks Lena. Yes, I've crushed my pills for awhile - but drinking levels still have spiked. It only makes sense, since I've had GB, that my absorption/metabolism will be less. I've already ordered additional Nal, and will happily be the group's GB/female gender 'guinea pig.' If I up the dosage and suddenly have greatly reduced cravings, that should tell us what the scoop is.

As for pulling myself up by my bra straps? Those straps have as much to hold up now as they can handle!

I really am unncomfortable about giving much credence to the gender/dosage issue without more that that 2002 study unless we hear from Dr. S. or Dr. E. We have women here getting great results (Potato, Netty -- who takes a smaller dose than anyone I have heard, Happy4Once, etc.) and I don't see women in our group having any pattern of less progress than the men. Just my two cents.

Point taken, and I greatly appreciate your being on focus. However - I have had gastric bypass. This means that absorption is an issue, with meds as well as foods. Many GB patients have what is termed 'addiction transferral,' in that we no longer over-eat. . .but become addicted to alcohol. (Not my particular situation, as I drank before the GB, and can point to a non-functioning thyroid as the cause of obesity.) However, this is very, very common. I suspect as a group gastric bypass patients tend to be over-sensitive to the endorphine 'highs' from over-eating, and when that is no longer available, switch to alcohol as a substitute.

Therefore, as TSM becomes mainstream there will likely be a number of GB patients who are looking to cure their transferred addiction - and it may well be that our mal-absorption of food/meds means we require a higher dosage of Naltrexone - perhaps, especially women. If that is the case, I'll be the first 'lab rat' to demonstrate it!

G4M I do sincerely worry for you, maybe because with all drugs, the jury seems to be still out until it is too late. I feel this way because I am in the benzo group and thought I was just fine til I came here! Benzo's were prescribed like candy for years! I hope that upping your dosage does not cause you any harm.

Thanks LaBear, I appreciate your concern. But I've come across studies where subjects routines were administered 150 mg. (don't try this at home!) without bad side effects. I'm just going to up it to 75 mg. to see what happens.

Actually, last evening I drank very little - and had no cravings. So it's working after all!

G4M -- Did you drink very little/have no cravings on 50 mg?

LOL, Lena that was sly