Meg,

I am/was a big binge drinker and I can relate to your story. When i started I also had some very depressing mornings where i woke up very unhappy with myself. But you must continue to follow the golden rule and keep at it for it to work.

I can only talk about my experience but it did take awhile for the binging to slow down. I am not ready to say it has stopped completely but I am getting closer. I started TSM after several months of heavy drinking that started in Nov of 2014 and went into June of 2015. Not every day blackouts but a really bad roll. It took several months before I really started seeing a big difference. But after those several months I started getting better control on my day to day drinking and on MOST of my black out nights. And it took almost 5 months for me to be at the point of saying I feel almost normal in my drinking habits. BUT there are still a few days that I started early and drank late but even on those days I have had more control. I am not cured so it is a work in progress but I wanted to give you an idea of the time line it may take for you to get more control.

I will tell you that my biggest problem is hanging out with old drinking buddies and thinking I will be fine - but sometimes I seem to still allow myself to get sucked into running really hard. So you may want to make some excuses on the happy hours and parties until you get better control. Or at least cut them down.

It is an up and down ride and it is not a magic pill but it does work if you keep following the golden rule and learn from your mistakes.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Reboot. It's really helpful to hear from fellow "bingers," as I imagine the experience is a bit different for us. Frequency of drinking is not my problem; losing control whenever I do drink is. So it's scary for me to contemplate the Sinclair Method and ask myself how long it will take to feel in control of alcohol if I factor in the awareness that my next drink may not be until three weekends from now. As much as I've obsessively researched extinction (it's brilliant and fascinating), I'm still not sure whether it relies on frequency alone, or whether the passage of time also helps. Because if we're relying on frequency, here, it could take years for me to get better. And I just can't handle contemplating (more) years of the horrible situations that arise when I drink, or the shame, or the embarrassment or the damaged relationships or the hiding. I hide this problem so well that unless you've ever watched me try to stick to one drink, you wouldn't know there was a problem. It's just that I can't remember the last time I've had (pre-Nal) less than eight drinks in a sitting, no matter how much I tell myself it's going to be different, no matter how much I make check-marks on my hand or ask a friend to cut me off or only bring cash to the bar. My drunk self is much sneakier and fights much dirtier than my sober self. My drunk self, in fact, is unequivocally abusive to my sober self. My drunk self uses my sober self's body and mind for only one purpose and doesn't really care how my sober self will feel about it the next day. My drunk self does not have empathy for my sober self, and my sober self has nothing but empathy for everyone, and it's a terrible recipe for crippling shame when the dust has settled and I'm just me.

Eight drinks on a 105-pound frame is a lot. I'm also young and female and too trusting when I'm drunk, and it's only a matter of time before something really, really bad happens. So time is an important thing to me. I'm already aware that I'm too old to be behaving like a college kid, and yet still young enough to be a target for d-bags, which puts me in the dead center of an overlapping Venn diagram of desperation to stop. I just want to stop getting drunk. More than anything else in my life.

It's just that I've tried everything else and it doesn't work. It's not a matter of abstaining, going to group meetings, finding a higher power. I tried so hard to abstain that I almost accidentally killed myself by mixing drinking with antabuse. And I went to meetings, but they made me depressed, because I had nothing in common with any of the people there besides the drinking issue; it was humbling but ultimately not helpful for me to try to use the group I was with as a point of reference for my own life. And science is my only higher power. So thank [science] for the Sinclair Method, because this is the ONE thing pertaining to my life-rupturing drinking problem that I've ever had faith in.

Because of that, I'm pretty terrified that the Sinclair Method is going to let me down, or that because I'm an infrequent binger rather than a daily drinker it's going to take too long, and that I'm just going to keep playing Russian roulette every weekend in the meantime. That doesn't mean I'm ever going to quit trying; I'm just expressing my fears. I have no doubt that I won't quit this, which is so much more than I could ever say for any of the other methods I've tried. It's just that this seems like the only way to quit that could ever possibly make sense to me, and if it fails...what else is left? It's absolutely terrifying to feel like you're confronting your last possible option and that everything rests on this. Incidentally, I have confronted that "last possible option" feeling once before, with surgery for a medical condition, and it worked out in my favor. But this is so, so, so much harder. If surgery had failed I would have lost my health but I would not have lost my dignity, relationships, values, mental well-being, and everything that gives me my particular quirky little blend of personality traits that make me proud of who I am. I wasn't scared of surgery. People thought I was so brave for putting on a cheerful face throughout that ordeal, but they don't understand how easy it is to handle something that threatens your physical well-being if you've ever had your mental well-being threatened. When something threatens your mental well-being, it is EVERYTHING. Everything. It is everything you are and everyone you know. It is your legacy. These stakes feel so high. I'm terrified.

I guess on the plus side, I'm working on getting into grad school for neuroscience, so if this fails I'll just go into addiction research until the day I find another treatment or do end up accidentally killing myself in a binge.

Well, this is morbid! Okay, so while those are my fears and it's important to share that part of the process, here's what I actually think: I know this can work. I know how double-blind studies work, and I know how Dopamine works. And I know how hard I will try and how strong I am. And I know how much more logical and easy (so easy!) it is to stick to the "golden rule" than it is to abstain, because the golden rule coalesces with my life and my anxieties and my physical capabilities and my social/professional sphere, and abstaining does not. I've been taking Nal faithfully an hour before drinking for the past month now, and I know that's nothing, but I also know that when I was abstaining I was counting EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't count the days with this method. It just is. It's not a chore; it just is. It's just a thing I do now. No big deal. I could do this for the rest of my life and never count a day.

I'm a writer and I never write about - or talk about, or think about - my drinking, so I'm trying to keep this journaling as concise as possible but there's a good deal to let out. In my dream world, this is going to work, and I'll go to grad school for neuroscience, and I'll still go into addiction research - but only to improve on what was built, not to make yet another attempt to redefine our model of addiction and prop up a failing system. In my dream world, I'm going to get better and write a book about all of this, and it will be a blend of research and narrative, which is my forte, and it will release every gut-wrenching drop of shame I've ever felt about this entire experience, which is not my forte. In my dream world, I do not have an alcohol problem anymore, and all other chips can just fall as they will after that one nuclear bomb of an issue is addressed.

There's a lot riding on this. So if the couple people who are reading this want to check my expectations, then please do so, and check them hard. And then tell me there's hope! Because I'm not going to give up; I just need to know what I'm in for so that I don't start assuming this is yet another thing in my life that just won't help me quit.

On a practical note, thanks to JoeSixPack I've found a therapist who's well-versed in the Sinclair Method and I'm taking a little road trip out of town next week to see her.

Thanks Joe and Reboot (and anyone else). I'm so happy I found this forum.

Epic post, Meg. Well done.

We're very happy you found us too.

You have already realized one of the most valuable lessons that TSM has to impart. The realization that the Homunculus can neither see nor explain everything, that reason and logic have nothing to do with what drove you to drink. You can't reason it away, you can't pray it away.

Here's what I've learned lately, from all the good folk that have taken the time to tell their story as well as the reports from the front line that C3 has relayed. It's the opportunity to cause extinction that is most valuable, when it occurs and when it's real for you. When you feel the urge is when "The Beast" is at it's most vulnerable point. That's the time to strike. That's the optimal time to apply the Golden Rule and lead the beast down the Garden Path to it's own extinction. Just be consistent and apply the same rule, every time and the beast will fall for it, every time.

Thanks again for that post. It was most beautiful and heartfelt. I clearly heard your pain and out of it, a promise you saw that you have turned into freedom, choice and the vision that inspires you to "pay it forward" so others may find their freedom too. Your help will be much appreciated.

We've leagues to go.

Meg, sounds to me like you are on the right track. I think we and a lot of us here share similar ideas. Science is indeed the true higher power and Dr. Sinclair and his colleges have volumes of it for us to be rest assured that it's very likely to succeed. Fear plays a big part when starting TSM. It did for me for all the reasons you mention plus more. I remember fearing that I might not love my cat anymore because Naltrexone would make me a sober zombie with a chemical lobotomy

Of course none of that is true and what I have found is that I love so much more in life now because I'm no longer a slave to my addiction and for me anyway side affects of TSM are nill.

I always considered myself to be a binge drinker too. Alcoholism started to really take root in me when I was about 21 years old. I was a geology student at a university and I could easily get all my work done while sober during the week but boy when those weekends came it was all out let loose. One beer instantly triggered the opoidergic system... the chase was on. And I would not stop till pass out drunk or at least crawling off to bed. What fun that was... not!

As I got older my 2 day weekend binges turned into week long binges, month long, month's long till just every day. I would stop for a month or two here and there but one drink would fire up the system exactly where it was left off. Eskapa's book goes into some detail about the alcohol deprivation syndrome, it's almost required reading for us TSM'rs so have a look at it.

Naltrexone completely cuts out the chase for us binge drinkers. In fact I'm of the intuitive non-scientific opinion that TSM works better on bingers because of that. The ONLY problem I had with drinking was that if I had one drink my brain would cause me to feel sick, nervous, panicked, and a general feeling of dire trouble unless I followed that with another drink till oblivion. So it was not only the 'good' feeling of the endorphin chase but the 'cure' for the impending doom. I learned to be very well prepared. I knew for example if I was going to a dinner party there would be wine or beer and I had to pretend to be normal rihgt? So I would hide mini vodka bottels in my coat pockets and easily accessible places so that I could appear to be having a glass of wine when in fact I'd be on my 5th drink of the early evening. With TSM I have absolutely no desire to do that at all what so ever anymore. I still drink, and in fact as of the holiday season my numbers have gone up but still, there is no chase, there is no worrying, there is no preparation and if I do have one or two drinks and OMG the keg runs dry then it's no big deal.

I too had big time problems with binge drinking. it was going out and thinking I would have 3 drinks and I'd have 5 in the first two hours. happened all the time. I just don't have to worry about it now. I may look forward to the first drink a little, but it doesn't trigger the landslide it used to.

you really sound like you're on the right track and are very thoughtful about it. this gives you a great chance at being successful. I think you will be and wish you well!

Meg,

Awesome posts. They really do sum up a lot of what a lot of us binge drinkers feel like when we wake up in the morning and start the three promises a day routine. The first promise is when you wake up and say, "I will never drink again". The second promise is a few hours later when you promise, "just one or two" and the third promise is "just one more" as you drink yourself silly. And then miraculously you wake up in your bed - or someone else's bed or couch - and repeat it all over.

Very bad on the mind to lose all control and break your own promises daily for such long periods at a time. So we feel your anguish and your desperation and we also share your hopes and dreams of getting AL under control. We share in all of it because we have been there in some form or another. (well I can't say as I ever wanted to study neuroscience but I have a lot of on the job training in addiction ) And we are here to help you on your journey.

TSM was pretty much my last hope to quit drinking as well. Having tried to quit so many times before and breaking so many promises to my spouse and myself I was no longer willing to even give quitting a try. Because each time that I broke the promise and got drunk I felt worse and more depressed. Then I heard about TSM. And I thought why not give it a try. It is science based and it just makes sense. And WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?!

And that is my question to you, "What do you have to lose by trying this and sticking with it?" If by some slim chance it does not help you gain control over your drinking - what have you lost? So keep on posting and following the golden rule and you will see some results. But be prepared for some set backs and even some black outs. It is part of the process just never give up because I am gonna want a signed copy of your book!

And although I believe in science more than miracles - I think this science has worked miracles. I never entered this to become abstinent because that was just too much to ask - but at 6 months in it is an attainable goal for me. And if you knew me you would say that is miraculous!

Thank you guys! It's so cool to hear your stories. I definitely understand how "miraculous" it feels that this is even possible. For years, drinking has been the #1 thing in my life that I wanted desperately to change, and it's also one of the only things in my life that I COULDN'T change. It truly felt like a disease, and I even started to feel "terminal." While I still do see alcoholism as a disease of sorts, I also believe that it's curable now. I really wish that some of y'all were in Austin - it would be so nice to meet up! Keep the stories coming; I love them.

So, update. My frequency of drinking last week was actually higher than it usually is, and what I CAN'T do is fall into some weird psychological trap where I start to get too curious about testing the boundaries of this. I drank on a week night last week, which NEVER happens because it it does, it means I have to call in sick to work the next day and stay in bed with a hangover. I guess on the plus side, I finished the night at 4.5 drinks and managed to get a decent meal in with water before I went to bed, which is a vast improvement, and I functioned reasonably well at work the next day. I drank again on Friday night, which is more typical for me, and this time I didn't stay on the rails quite as well. We had a little party at work starting at 4pm, so I had two drinks there, followed my coworkers out to happy hour afterwards and had three more drinks, and then met up with a friend and had maybe three more. This was all over the course of a decent stretch of time (between 4pm and midnight), but I'm tiny and I was drunk. I did get exhausted and kick my friend out at a much earlier time than usual, however, and then fell asleep. Normally I don't hit a point of exhaustion (hiding from exhaustion is actually one of the main reasons I drink). I also remember the whole evening. Baby steps.

Yesterday was a pretty typical after-drinking day, especially these days, which means I stayed in bed all day feeling depressed and ashamed. I flaked out on a party and a date. I just slept. Today I'm still marginally depressed, but I do have enough oomph to get things done. My after-drinking depression has gotten much, much worse since starting the Sinclair Method. Depression sucks tremendously, but I don't see this as a bad sign. I think it's a sign that I'm not avoiding the problem anymore and I desperately want it to change, so desperately that the disappointment hits a lot harder after drinking now.

I bet depression is a really common symptom in the early stages of TSM, and I can see why doctors wouldn't want to bear the burden of responsibility for recommending this to people. With total abstinence, you can decide you're done with alcohol and immediately start reaping the rewards (although they are short-lived because abstinence doesn't work). With TSM, you decide you're done with alcohol - in fact, you decide you HATE your addiction, hate everything about it, and just want it to go away - but you're still stuck with the addiction for months. And during those months, every bout of heavy drinking feels like a failure or induces anxiety about how well this will work. In many ways it's a much more difficult journey, psychologically, than abstinence is. In other ways, it's so much more realistic.

So there it is - the good, the bad and the ugly! I will fight through this for as long as I need to. When this works I see myself being so much happier with my life overall.

This. This is one of the best descriptions of binging I've ever read. That desperation to get more isn't just about chasing the high; it's being driven by a deep feeling that if you don't drink more you'll be plunged into an abyss that's too unbearable to handle. I even learned that a safer way to manage my binges was, paradoxically, to keep alcohol in my apartment. That way I could feel comfortable ending an evening and going home, knowing that I'd still be able to drink. Otherwise, I just wouldn't go home.

Great post, Meg!

It might be worthwhile to have a Skype session with Joanna, she might have some good pointers for you. Mokum tried it and really recommends it.

Yeah, depression is just a bucket of fun, isn't it? I've noticed some cropping up too, but it doesn't last the day. That may change after I go further down the path, but I'm dysthymic to begin with. I guess I'll have to see what's left over once I kick the beer to the curb. Fortunately, my TSM doc is a Psychiatric Nurse that has considerable experience with addiction.

Well, good work and keep the reports coming!

Meg,

I was rereading your posts and I did not see any one respond to you about your concern about the length between drinking sessions and whether or not you would have to take longer to see results because of your infrequent drinking . I think if no one chimes in on that, you may want to mention that concern if you touch base with Joanna at C3 as Joe suggests.

But from your description of your drinking this past week it does seem like you are noticing some subtle differences. As you said, it is often baby steps that occur, and you may have to tolerate some more depressing mornings in the future before you get total control. But at least your body is learning extinction from your drinking so as small as a positive as that is - it does help. I had plenty of depressing mornings when I started but from the posts on this forum I knew that change would come only if you had your NAL and added AL one hour later. And it has certainly helped me tremendously.

Keep us posted