I believe that separating for a bit can be very healing for a couple. Living together it is easy to take for granted all the stuff one appreciates about the other person and focus on the negative. Living alone gives one time to reflect and it is easier to see the good in the other person. I agree with NoDoorMat, that 25 years is a long time to give up. I hope that you will be able to come back together and create a fresh new life. Our good friends separated about ten years ago for a year after 20 years of marriage. It was a wonderful year for both of them; they needed the time apart. During the year they dated (each other, not outside people) and were able to appreciate what made them fall in love in the first place. They worked with a counselor to help them work out all the pesky day to day stuff that was dragging them down. They are happy. I hope you will be, too.

We are still in counselling, but at this point space is needed before we decide to try and make a go of it. Of course I don't want to just throw my marriage out the window, but at the same time we have to be able to live happily together, and life is too short for that state of mind not to exist. Truth is, I'm a pretty happy with a lot of solitude, always have been, and my somewhat chaotic family life pushed me to the edge on a regular basis.

Nigel I hear you and agree with you 100%. After nearly a year I haven't had the dramatic change I could have hoped for, but my life is under much better control, and in general I feel "healthier" in both mind and spirit. I'm exercising 7 plus times a week (sometimes at lunch AND after work) I'm enjoying old hobbies and activities again, and starting new ones (just completed a weaving class of all things), and I guess most significantly, I'm handling a stressful situation without going off the deep end. Not ready for the "cured" word just yet, but still confident that it's not too far off.

If this separation had happened pre-TSM I would have been a total basket-case, and probably would have ended up drinking myself to death. As it stands I feel plenty of emotions, sadness, loss, feeling kind of old and a little lonely, but they are all perfectly normal and healthy given the situation. More to the point, I don't feel depressed, I don't feel like giving up, I don't feel suicidal, I don't feel angry or bitter, and I believe I have a positive future ahead of me, however my situation turns out.

So I guess that's what I'd like to say to people that are newer here on the forum and just starting out. While TSM isn't always the magic bullet we'd like it to be, it does work, slowly but surely. People's relationships with alcohol are complex, and nal helps with one aspect of that relationship, but not the relationship in it's entirety. Also, sorry for not posting much anymore, but I think there's kind of a tradition on the forum for people just starting out together to support each other, and for old timers to fade into the background a bit. That's OK and I think that's the way it should be. People do in fact start to get well again, and feeling the need to get on with the rest of your life in a positive way is part of the process!

Peace to all!

All41,

I am glad you popped by, and I understand the need to move forward.

It is funny for there was someone that posted on here about doing research on people after the addiction is no longer there...and that frightens me. For if you take the big pink elephant out of the room that no one is talking about...will there be any talking, or will there be discord, or will it be that fairytale and we live happily ever after?

I wish you the best in all that comes at you. I see a driving force in you to do and be the best, and I am sure you will achieve all that needs to be achieved.

Jaba

Well, losing weight didn't solve all my world's problems (and neither did gaining it back!), it was just one small thing less on my plate. I'm betting for most people if you take the problem drinking out of the equation, the only difference is, you now have one fewer huge way to cope with the world, and one fewer huge source of fallout that necessitates coping. It's probably a wash, all except for the part that being in control over that part means you can actually do something to fix the other broken stuff now that the elephant isn't continuing to break things and divert our attentions from what needs to be attended to. Mr. ND was depressed and anxious, so he drank, so he was depressed and anxious. Stopping that downward spiral has positive consequences so that he can focus his energy on what he can do that will actively improve his life, and the lack of fallout in his environment from his harmful drinking behavior means he has more positive support and encouragement at the ready to tackle all of the problems, from drinking to depression to unhealthy family dynamics.

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy would say that yes, both there will be talking and there will be discord. Buddhism would say that there is no happily ever after, because the only thing that is permanent is impermanence.

No question that as I drank less I became less depressed, and that as I drank less I could see my situation more clearly. Instead of unhappily numbing yourself all the time you begin to examine the reasons why you feel compelled to numb yourself, and the consequences of this kind of introspection aren't always what you might expect them to be. The conversation didn't end, but it grew more focused and there was a lot more clarity.

A year ago the thought of living separately from my wife and kids was terrifying, but now in all honesty (and part of me hates to say this), separation has brought me a moment of much needed peace. I need to find out for myself, by myself, how much my drinking was the cause of family discord, or how much the discord lead to my wanting to numb myself. Obviously the answer to that question is both.

NoDoormat, the Buddhist in me says I need to be at peace with my condition to move forward, and contemplative solitude is just the starting point. I don't think I spoke 50 words out loud yesterday between work and home, and at least 1/2 those were addressed to my two elderly dogs.

All41,

What kind of puppies do you have? I love my fur babies, and I had 2 very good puppies that I miss very much, so much we got 2 more ...2 more border collie puppies...and yes I am too old for this!



And that is my greatest fear!

I have a 3 legged standard wire haired dachshund (one tough customer), a shepherd/lab mix (smart as a whip but grumpy as hell) and a crazy sheep that is convinced she's a dog. It is kinda strange living on a farm and being the only human, but dogs truly are a man's best friend. They never let you down and the love is absolute and without condition. I always loved the Will Rogers sentiment that "if dogs don't go to heaven - then I want to go where they go".

I also have eight golden campines, a tetra, and every other year I raise Berkshires. I talk to all of them in one fashion or another, but if I ever start talking to the trees don't hesitate to call the men in the white suits

My goodness, you do have a farm! I will have to goole some of these animals, but I have to say you are never alone! And I agree, Will Rogers had it right! But I talk to the flowers, the trees, and anything that will not talk back...kids with attitudes will do that to you (and my old B.C. Bear used to talk back in his teens...it was the funniest thing to hear a dog talk back because you told him to get into time out)!

Okay, so you have a goat, fish, chickens, and at times you raise pigs...besides your dogs...am I right?

Nope not a goat, a sheep.

I bottle fed her starting as a one day old orphan, and she has never seen another sheep. That's why she thinks she's one of the dogs, at least I think that's what she thinks, but it's hard to tell what a sheep thinks since they really aren't the smartest posts in the fence line. The real dogs will have none of it and are not fooled in the slightest; They all might share the same yard, but they know a crazy sheep when they see one. She does let me pet her just like a dog, and she comes when she's called, but I'm not fooled either. I just go along with her crazy dog-like antics to keep her happy.

I just do this for fun mind you, and so I know where at least some of my food comes from and know that the animals I benefit from are (were) well cared for. Fresh eggs, outstanding pork, and I hunt so wild venison and turkey. I have a day job, and have a professional farmer who plants and harvests the corn and soy on the rest of my land on a crop share basis. It's a good life and I have a lot to be thankful for.