Tamara,

I am sorry yo hear that you had to stop that antidepressant, for you seemed to be feeling better on it. I have vivid dreams with the nal. so I know what you mean about them being strange. I have had quite a few disturbing dreams and at times I cannot tell if it has happened or not. I do hope they find an antidepressant that works for you, for I know that I have been on a few until I found the right.

It looks like you have been making progress on the drinking front, so thats good and 11 drinks is awesome!

I hope things work out for you,

Jaba

Tamara, you have done well! Sorry that things are so hard. It broke my heart hearing about your grandson being afraid of losing you. Of course he is. Thank God he has you.

xoxo Newlife

I really don't feel like drinking today, BUT, I have to try one of Maggie's Guinness beers! I went grocery shopping today at Trader Joes, and low and behold, there it was. I've never tried Guinness, and love beer. Plan on having one. But I think I'm drinking though the extinction process. But it's been a long time I haven't wanted to drink early and it's almost 5 pm, and I just took the nal. So that is at least good for today.

I won't buy my grandson a video game today, so he just took my phone to call his Dad to tell him he wants to live with him. Little stinker. That's not going to work!!!

His birthday is in a month, and he's been a little pill the past few days, so no new games until his birthday. Has to have something to look forward to. He love his Xbox 360, and usually gets games for his birthday. I'm sticking to my guns especially after this calling dad stunt. Kids.

Tamara,

Good for you with sticking to your guns. That is a hard thing to do in any situation with kids. I agree, if his birthday is coming up he can wait. And with him making that phone call, I am sure he is just trying to play in between the both of you (my daughter use to do that with my husband and I, for she would call him when he was out of town), and hopefully his father saw through that (there is nothing worse than having someone play along) and stuck to his guns as well.

It sounds as if you are doing well with your drinking, and it sounds like it is happened pretty quick with you. That is awesome! So, I have to ask did you like that guinness?

And has the doctor put you on a different antidepressant, or are you still weening off that one?

Have a great day,

Jaba

Grandson nevetr called his dad. Pulling my leg. He's been starting to lie lately, or telling tall tells, that could really get him taken away from me if he's not careful. Told me his Dad spanked him, when he didn't, etc. So I'm really laying down the law about lying! Going to get in trouble here on out. Trying to nip it in the bud early. I know some of it's normal, but I don't want someone to think things are going crazier than they are already around here.

I had 1 Guiness last night and 2 today. It's good, but not my favorite. I like a good Hefervitzen myself I spelled that wrong, and I'm on the IPad and it's to hard to look it up.

I see my Dr. tomorrow about the antidepressants. That other one made me do some crazy things. When I saw my therapists, I hardly remember much of it, and I drove there! She had my husband pick me up and drive me home. I never drink and drive. Can't believe I did that. I drove ok though, from what I remember. No crazy swerves. Think I would have remembered that. Did the homeless walk. I could have really gotten hurt out in that construction site. Fell down a few times. Anyway, I'm off of that one. Kind of afraid to try a different one. I've been on Lexapro for a long time. I feel better back on it than I did on nothing. So we will see tomorrow. EgadS!!! Get tired of this stuff.

Stress, really gets to you, you know?

I also called my oncologist about seeing if there is a chance of a more agressive treatment for the Breast Cancer situation. Was watching Dr. OZ today, and a woman on there just had a double masectomy from having the same inductal insitu cancer I have. So I called them to find out if I can just do that and get the ticking time bomb out of my body. What brought this up was I had my mammogram this week, after putting it off for 5 months. I have a breast MRI and mammogram every year now. I think it's been 5 years now. Maybe 4. To be honest with you, the surgery would be a cake walk compared to this other stuff in my life. When you lose a kid to suicide, or any death for that matter, it really puts things in perspective. So double masectomy is nothing. Especially if it's early and big chance of 100% recovery and no recurrence of the cancer. Surgery doesn't scare me.

Oh my life is a joy!!!! I was singing that, lol! I'm ok really. What drama. I should write a book, I could add stuff! lol. Like winning the lottery, and men flocking to my door because I'm so beautiful, and they all want me, and of course they are all billionaires, at least. I'd have yaught, big one. I'd live in the South of France, with a second home here in CA. But stay in France, and I'd have a Channel handbag. Hows that for a little added to the story? I enjoyed it, hope you did too

Tamara,

My daughter was doing that lying thing, and it was suggested to me by her school to take her to a child psychologist. I did and it turns out that her therapist said her lying is just her "artistic flair blossoming" . Well, I half believed that and never went back needless to say. I just explained to my daughter that trust is earned, and now that she is lying all the time no one is going to trust her. And without trust she would have restrictions and would not be able to do some of things that friends were doing (like going to the mall without a parent, spending the night over a friends house). It made her think twice about lying; however, she was lying during the time that President Clinton got caught and lied about has sexual relations with that women! So, in her mind as long as she denied what her lie was, she would be fine! How one persons lack of backbone to admit he screwed up caused me a lot of grief needless to say!

I do hope that he grows out of this faze for it can be trying and draining!

I can understand what you mean about the ticking time bomb, for I would have the surgery in a heart beat. I worked in a hospital and I have seen things that make me question why doctors allow their patients to do or not do procedures, but it is the patient's choice and most want to do the least amount to not injure their looks. But you have to be able to sleep at night, and believe or not worrying all the time about it is not good either. I would talk to your therapist about it to be mentally prepared, for it may cause depression with the scars. I would also see if there isn't a group for survivors that you can join for that will help as you are going through this. It will help you prepare and let you hear how it was for others when they went through the surgery. It is different for everyone, but talking with women that have been through it would help easy some of the anxiety.

Oh to daydream! It sounds like you have that down pat, and I will join you in France one day for tea (or a drink) and please do not forget to invite me on your yacht for I would love to sail to Greece!

Jaba

Oh Jaba, if those dreams come true your the first I'm inviting for that cruise to Greece! Ahh what luxury that would be to be able to go on your own yacht!

Habit of Drinking!!! I have a bad habit, that when I'm upset, I drink to excess on purpose! I did that last night. Got upset, got drunk. Now my son is upset with me and a few other people because I was flipping out.

This grief is hard. But I have contacted a grief support group and I think one is this Thursday. I think it's the only way I will find people that understand what I'm going though. Because in the rest of the world, people just don't understand, and think I'm crazy, and then I think I'm crazy and so on and so on. Sounds like I'm doing what most people do when they have lost someone to suicide. I'll be ok.

I keep thinking I need to keep my posts only to TSM. And I'm all over the place in here. Sorry. And I know most of you will say it's ok, but I'd like to try on my part to do that.

Anyway, that pertained to TSM because of the habit of coping with extreme grief or upset I run straight to the bottle and drink like a fish! Will that go away in time too? God I hope so. I feel worse drunk. Then the pain is more! And I get all dramatic. It's not pretty, and I'm not proud of that part. Ugly ugly ugly.

Tamara,

I think as long as you take the nal., and wait the hour, you will extinct that desire to run to the bottle for grief; however, you really should mindfully drink any time you do drink (I know easier said than done).

This is a difficult time for you and no one can understand your pain except those that have gone through it. My dad found my grandfather(his dad) when he committed suicide. My dad changed from a fun loving man to a very depressed (running to the bottle) stranger that I lived with. My mother would tell him he needed to snap out of it, and could not understand why he was having such a hard time with it. It took my dad 30 years to finally go for help and talk it out with someone. There were no support groups that he knew of, and the rest of the family (my grandmother, my mom, and his sister) couldn't understand why it damaged him so much...it just did! Please, go and talk with others that understand, for it would have help my dad so much, and I know it will help you. You are not crazy, you are just trying to deal with the hand you have been dealt and no one left a rule book on how you should act let alone feel. Do what you have to do to feel whole again! And if the rest of the world cannot accept that screw them!

I do hope you feel better, for drinking like a fish would have made me ill the next day (I hope not for you sake),

Jaba

Jaba, I'm just imagining that since it was your fathers father, he had a lot of history with his dad, so it was harder for him. Guilt, regret, and it never getting fixed. I know my mother has been a challenge for me to have a relationship with my whole life. I lost my dad at 17 to a heart attack, so thats now been so long, I don't think to much about it anymore. I've had 45 years to process it, and it was a natural death. I can understand why he had a hard time.

I'm finding talking about suicide is a taboo, and if more people knew the devastating pain it leaves your loved ones, it would help reduce that choice for many. I just never had a clue until it happened to me.

I did have a hangover. Migrain all day. Guilt. I'm having say outloud I forgive myself, because I have to. A Louise Hay quote I use for others, and myself is, "I forgive you for not being who I needed you to be. I release you and set you free". If I do it, it works.

And nothing stays the same forever. Always changing, good or bad. So things will change soon.

Thank you for sharing that. It helped and it might help others in a dark dark place in their mind. That gives me more of a purpose to push forward hoping something out of this crazy grief something postive will come out of her death.

Tamara,

I do hope that things are going good for you. If you have time please drop us a line,

Jaba