I'm wondering what other people's thoughts are on this, the "Clarity of Intent" idea.

When I landed here I was desperate, will power was failing me, I was baffled by my drinking, I could not understand it. Who really stands in front of their fridge at 8am thinking a glass of wine is going to help? And knows it is fricking insane yet compulsively does it anyway? I sometimes did and that sometimes was increasing.

For years I'd been the drunk person at the party. I made friends of other happy drunks (in my favour I never started fights or was obnoxious, I just ended up falling over a bit and being that cheerful but over the top person) I hung out with other big drinkers so that helped. But after a while I still kept going, too far too far.

And then there is the safe drinking, at home, with your partner, who also drinks too much in your little bubble of evening drinking, worries gone, work is done, reward time, you know, a release.

So here it is, when I found TSM my aim was to be rid of booze entirely. I knew the AA model and that's abstention or nothing, I just wanted to find a way there without being a dry drunk, an angry all the time person in grief for my cuddly friend the bottle of wine. Then when things got a bit better and after a few weeks of TSM it turned to just getting rid of the stupid, awful, pointless, make this end type of drinking. But now although my booze brain is not 100% cleared I do think I have a clarity I didn't have pre Nal. And I have a question.

I hated my insane morning drinking and my social drinking f* ups. I never wanted them and never understood them. However the drinking at home, not out of control and in a place of safety, I have to be honest and ask, now I'm in a clearer place, do I quite like them?

So my question is, does TSM also require a certain clarity of intent? I absolutely hated the things that have now left me. They just went. But I am ambivalent about the times where my drinking remains in a safe place (not in terms of units but immediate sanity and madness), although I really thought I wanted it all gone.

Maybe I didn't want it all gone? But I thought it was all or nothing...

Tish

And to clarify, TSM has caused a sea change in my life and my thinking. I can no longer comprehend the me that stood in front of the fridge at 8am, that person is gone. I have been to many parties and left sober, the get another drink,drink drink person is gone too. I just thought I'd put it up for discussion that it really may be about the clarity of the intent of your goal that forms your pattern of progress... But I'm not sure really....

A clearheaded life without problem drinking, inebriation, and despairing drinking behavior is a good goal.

Whether that's drinking occasionally or being abstinent doesn't matter. As far as the "OK" normal drinking at home, you never know. You may or may not want to. Alcohol may not be that desirable anymore. Of course, that's good and bad, but IMHO, overwhelmingly good.

You're thinking will continue to change, I know mine did. Clarity as to what will work for you comes with time. Less drinking, more clarity!

It's astonishing when alcohol is put in its place, and it doesn't rule your life anymore. Like being reborn!

Sounds like you're doing great!

This is what I hear: The times when my drinking didn't get out of hand, that drinking I want to keep!

This is what I think: Firstly, you would not be here if you had the ability to keep your drinking from getting out of hand. Secondly, now that you've got a measure of control over your drinking due to TSM, you've begun to rationalize/minimize your previous actions to a certain degree, while at the same time, you have begun to enter a mourning phase for the life you had that you are now in the process of losing.

The same thing happened to me, and right about the same time. I started TCM in March (last year), and I posted a thread on here titled "What Was Lost". I bet if you look it up you'll find it was probably posted in June. You've reached the point now where you can clearly see, and take stock of, your life. And right now, what you see/have leaves you feeling a little empty. No surprise. You're giving up your life's #1 passion. There is going to be a vacuum. The onus is on you to go out and fill it. Play golf, volunteer, learn a new skill or hobby. Pick up an activity you once loved, but lost to alcohol. Read the Top 100 Novels. The list is endless. The good news: at least for me, this was just a phase that passed in a month or so.

Of course, you can always fill the vacuum by not taking your NAL. That would be the easiest way. As long as you can accept those mornings of staring into the refridgerator...

You can't have a part of that old drinking back in your life. Sure, you can drink with NAL, but it's not the same, and it most certainly is not vacuum-filling. And vacuum filling is what you are seeking, seems to me. Hang in there! It is so easy, if you are at all like me, to forget all about all the horrors and pain all that drinking caused once you have it under control. Don't. Forget. Move forward.

Clarion, I agree. You can't have your cake and eat it too, and just decide that one kind of old drinking behavior is going to continue

It's true when you start the TSM process, you're sad about giving up your best friend, sad sad sad. Like The stages of grief, you finally stop mourning alcohol, and accept the new reality.

I was right along with you Tish, staring at that refrigerator at 8 AM, or anytime for that matter. Also couldn't imagine anything better than a great cold glass of wine, or 20, after work. That's not such a good idea, when you work nights.

Do I miss the OK good drinking at home? Thought I would, but don't.

Give it time. You're thinking re: alcohol will definitely change the further along you are.

Hi Clarion, Hi Guapo,

That's really helpful, thank you and I just read the "what was lost" thread, very inspiring and amazing stuff, reading a transformation in progress is quite a thing. Yes, I would like to get to a place where AF is a daily, if not each and every day but the majority of days, occurrence. My worry was that I have had absolute clarity of intent about leaving the really hideous drinking patterns behind and that has worked as those days seem to be over. Do I have the same clarity over the rest of my drinking and if not can I get to the next stage?

When I came here I wanted to drink nothing, ever again, and be AF totally as soon as I could. My inner dialogue was telling me that ALL drinking was no fun, it was compulsive and beyond my control and ALL good times were long gone. While that was basically true there was and still is some residual enjoyment in drinking. Although I swore I hated all drinking I might have been being a little dishonest with myself as there were still some times that the fun was there. Now without the awful awful times I can admit that and that worries me, that without 100% clarity of intent that I want to lose all attraction to booze, not just the really bad times.

Your posts have helped though, perhaps that clarity becomes the next thing, realising I don't have it today may be this stage of the process, finding the clarity may follow acknowledging the truths of a drinking past.

Thanks again, this forum is a godsend for helping with moments of worry and fear that everything could stop, when really everything is going incredibly well. The timescales can be so textbook too, we really may be just lab rats underneath this, I should stop fretting and just press on, I doubt the rats were checking their forums and writing "oh goodness everyone what is this now, fret fret" posts all the time were they??

Hey Tish,

I started in February - and I can relate to what your saying in a lot of ways. Primarily I think I just am realizing that there were some ways that alcohol really helped me and that I don't really have a plan b for them now. Primarily I have a difficult time being easy going, having fun, and relaxing. Now that I am starting to have spells without alcohol, I don't really know how to do those things and am finding that I am drinking a lot in situations where I am I am supposed to be enjoying life but am having a hard time relaxing in....definitely more than I would when I am not expected to be 'relaxing and having fun'.

I guess I kind of feel like this is a bit of an in-between place where I need to building up a plan Bs, consciously, to deal with these challenges I'm becoming aware of. Because even though I am getting that need met with less of a mess (when I drink), it still is more messy than I want and I feel uncomfortable and at risk. Knowing that when I am centered I only seem to want 1 drink, possibly 2, tells me that when I am going above that, it is me using alcohol as a crutch and in an unhealthy way. And I know myself, that is a risk. Besides, I don't want to be unable to relax and have fun. I want to learn how. I am 42 years old and I don't want to spend the next 40 years with this same issue - I want to learn how to enjoy my life without needing something like alcohol to make it enjoyable.

I don't know if that is what you are coming up against, but I think it is worth asking yourself what is still appealing about it. Once the discomfort starts getting manageable, it takes some curiosity to explore what is happening because I think the reasons (outside of the addiction) can be very subtle and we may not even be aware the alcohol is meeting a need. Whether making us more social, less lonely, more easy going, less bored....I'm sure it is different for everyone, and even different depending on the time..... these issues may be worth exploring. I think this is along the lines of why people from AA say they are grateful they were alcoholics - because they wouldn't have explored these things otherwise.

Anyway - must my 4 cents. Thanks for the post - helped me clarify some things for myself!

Jephiner

It is definitely hard to give up what can be a good friend of alcohol, it's scary and I think to give such a thing up you have to really want to do something, and find the courage to do just that.

Here's another thought I had reading Jephiner's response: I too was/am socially awkward at times, and of course alcohol helped a great deal with that. For the first decade or so, that is. During the last decade alcohol made it worse because I knew if I got into a social situation I would be highly unlikely to be able to control my drinking and embarrassment was probable. The result was a desperate attempt to control my drinking by not getting into social situations where my consumption would soar and bad things would likely happen at the same time. I literally became a recluse, and for the past 10 or 15 years my wife has been my only friend. I had been out socially less than a dozen times in all those years, not even out to dinner.

Well. I may still be socially awkward, but thanks to TSM I no longer have to worry about making a fool of myself, and an embarrassing drunk is a helluva lot worse than a merely awkward man. I actually feel proud and liberated to go out now, awkwardness and all! So what if I am part lamp shade? It is 1000% better than what I was, and for that I am grateful. Free at last to go out in the world!

As I say, for me it's been liberating, awkwardness and all. Because the fear and worry is gone now.

HI All,

Thanks for the replies and sorry I take a while to get back sometimes - privacy issues, I can't always login or read this forum. Jephiner, yes I understand, alcohol is party fuel for the shyer amongst us, it's been my crutch for years. But is it really, it gives me the boost to chat to strangers and be more extrovert but at the end of the night often leaves me with missing memories and the next morning full of questions about those missing bits. That I hate and in a trade off, the bit more awkward me, the intorvert me is a better person than the black out me. It's hard at the start of the night to believe that but it can only be true, I need to learn it too. Tish xx