Good morning all.

I just want to note that I had gastric bypass surgery in the past so although my numbers may look low, it is because the liquor has a much stronger effect on my as it enters my bloodstream much faster and more concentrated than someone who hasn't had the surgery.

I am mid way through week 7 and had a bit of messy afternoon yesterday. I went to Ladies Day on the local ski hill and had a glass of wine with lunch. It set me off for a solid 4 -5 more glasses over the next 8 hours. I got pretty drunk after a couple of hours and then tapered off but found myself very, very emotional about having drank too much again. I have been reading some posts on different websites and it appears that there are a number of people who react to their binge drinking the same way I do....with inability to sleep followed by severe depression/anxiety and several days of recovering emotionally....this is by far my least favorite part of this as I the aftermath of the drinking is just debilitating.

I was a binge drinker - although the binges had gotten daily by the time I quit in 2013. When I started drinking again over the holidays, and then started TSM on February 1st, I had had a few binges under my belt but overall, I am not really used to drinking anymore and had many years of sobriety so I have to admit, I find this process very difficult. I want to just quit cold turkey because I can't stand the messiness and the loss of time that happens when I drink but I know that if I don't get extinction, I will be battling the rest of my life and always be at risk of having a binge that could significantly impact my life because it would most likely be while I was away on business and in front of my colleagues/customers as that is where my stress is the highest and everyone is drinking constantly. So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and am praying this works for me fairly quickly or at least gets to the place where my drinking episodes are contained to no more than 3 glasses of wine.

I am finding that if I drink beer I barely go past 2 but since my drink of choice has always been wine, I am feeling that I need to drink wine to get rid of all habit around wine. I would love to hear if anyone has thoughts on that and if they see that they have different patterns with different liquor/alcohol.

Blessings to you all....

Jephiner

Hi Jephiner and thanks for sharing.

Firstly I definitely do recognise your binge cycle, it sounds very similar to what I went through, and I certainly also went through phases of daily binges of 30 units (UK) 5 days out of 7 which was pretty horrendous. Binges for me were also almost always messy.

Unlike you my drink of choice did change and vary. For years I mostly drank scrumpy ciders, or wines, but when I tried baclofen for some reason I started drinking alcohol-pops (fruity, fizzy drink flavoured alcoholic beverage). When I quit baclofen, for TSM my extinction started with these drinks, then moved on to wine which I drank socially. I also had some beers as I tried different drinks. I did find it easier to over-drink with stronger forms of alcohol such as strong beers, and wine.

All I can say is this method does remove much of the battle, so that you can then make your own choices about alcohol. Drinking was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I had to to be in with a fighting chance.

I really hope you can stick in there, and in here.

Have you noticed any sort of reduction in intake, are you keeping a drinks diary?

Well, it has been a while since I checked in. I had a work event about a month ago - had to travel and there was a lot of alcohol. I had known it was coming and had been drinking daily up until the trip as I was doing whatever I could to minimize my risk while I was there (hoping to hurry along the process and be more in control when I traveled). I have had some improvement and the trip was ok. I drank a lot but a lot of people at the event drank as much as me, and sometimes more. I hated it, hated how I felt, hated not being 100% sure of what I said the night before, but lived through it without any permanent damage.

Since I have been back, my results have been ok but not great. Bottom line is that I have been drinking a lot on some nights, and only a few on others, but never know what will happen when I start. I never get nearly as sick or drink nearly as much as I used to but it is still way too much (3/4 a bottle of wine) and I am struggling with the process. I hate feeling this way physically and emotionally and of losing time (I'm useless in the evenings when I drink and sometimes pretty useless in the mornings depending on how much I drank the night before. I also worry because I don't have any common sense sometimes and will pick up the phone or go out for a walk when I have had to much wine - and put myself at risk of being uncomfortable and making others uncomfortable. I hate it that I do that. I just want a 'life' again. I guess on the good side is that I don't ever drive and I know some people do, so I am thankful for that.

I am going to my doctor tomorrow and am considering asking her to up my dose because of my malabsorption issues related to my gastric bypass surgery. I want to make sure I am getting at least the full 50mg in my brain but also want to ensure things move forward. I am very impatient. I am also going to talk to her about Baclofen as I have just learned about it and it sounds promising, however the symptoms people have had to endure sound horrible so I don't know how that will go.

So, I did go onto "The Cured List" board and say the post by St.Vincent overviewing how long it took people to get cured. Apparently 29 is about average. I am at 16. Bloody Hell! Honestly, I thought I would be done by now and I am pretty uncomfortable that I am not. I feel like stamping my feet and having a temper tantrum actually. I keep wondering if I will look back on this and it will have been an important growth time because quite frankly, I am hating having to drink and be messy and feel so scared and out of control. Maybe it is an opportunity to practice being good at instability and being out of control. Just trying to find a silver lining I guess....

Hope you all are doing well out there. I know how hard this is and I have so much compassion for myself and others who are struggling with this. It is so bloody hard and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Blessing to you all,

Jephiner

Well, I went to my doctor and am upping my dose to 75mg just to make sure I am getting the full 50mg in my system. I drank with 75mg yesterday and I think I felt a difference however we all know how that goes, it is hard to tell since every day is different and there is always the issue of placebo. I had two beer but, had I been in a different situation, I may have had another.

Went for a walk with a friend today and was talking about how bad it had been and how much better I am now. It was actually good for me to do that because sometimes I am so frustrated with how long it seems to be taking for me to be 'normal' that I forget how bad it used to be. It used to be really, really bad and now even my worse days are manageable. I am so thankful to have this option and to have this forum. I don't know what I would have done without it/you.

I haven't been keeping track of my intake but I can say that I am averaging between 2-3 drinks a day, depending on the day. Usually between 1-2 AF days, more often 1. I seem to be doing better with beer because the slower the alcohol goes into my system, the more likely I seem to be to stop sooner. I seem to run into the most problems with wine where the volume is low. Once I get to a certain level of intoxication, I seem to want to drive forward and keep going where if I maintain at a lower level for long enough, I just stop. I am hoping that maybe with the higher dose, I see some progress with this. I'm wondering if I got my blood alcohol level to a certain point if it was over-riding the Nal and I was getting some endorphin hits still because I wasn't absorbing the full 50mg. I also seem to have a slightly higher intake on the days after my AF days then normal. I'm wondering if that is a bit of a boomerang effect - does anyone else out there get that? Do you think it is the alcohol deprivation effect or maybe just psychological? Just curious if it is only me.

Anyway, like I said, I'm so thankful for the help I have received from you all and Claudia and the people at c three foundation. I'm so thankful that I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (most days)!

Jephiner

Yep, totally the same here. The first time I had an AF, it was pretty forced and I spent hours thinking I'M NOT DRINKING NOW which only made the next day, when I did drink twice as bad. I forget the name of it, but this is a thing: when you deny yourself something you've become addicted to, the need for it grows stronger so when you get back to it, you binge.

Jephiner.....it can take up to 2 years for Nal to work. It is not a quick fix at all and we have to make the effort to cut down and also to have AF days. I hope that going up in dose helps you. If you do not continue with it and have faith that it will eventually work, things will never change anyway. Baclofen does work for some but the SE's, from what I know from folk who have taken it, are pretty grim. Obviously it is up to you, but you really need to give the Nal a lot longer before you throw in the towel.

Jackson....the first few AF days, I too felt like that, but the more you do, the easier they are and the more natural they will feel. This habit of ours is long entrenched and is not going to be an overnight fix..... Just hang in there, have patience (LOL) and follow the golden rule...

Hugs, Maggie

Well, I have been using 75 mg for a week and I am feeling a difference. I haven't been tracking so I need to get back to that (will start next week). I'm feel like I am turning a corner and that my drinking is much more balanced between cravings and habit where as before it was just full on craving. It is a weird place to be because I was able to just release all responsibility for a while and just let things happen and I'm starting to feel like it is time to start paying attention and having some strategy. Honestly, I am resisting it a bit. Thinking about my drinking sounds exhausting at this point. I have, however, started seeing my naturopath and therapist again and am working on building up my health and building up some stress management techniques and putting some behavioral changes in place to support me moving towards more reasonable drinking.

One of the things I have identified over the last couple days is this kind of 'diet mentality' I have in place about the drinking. There is a bit of a "I better drink it today because I may be having an alcohol free day tomorrow". I think that is a fundamental flaw in my thinking that affects more than just this and I'm starting to look at it closely. I think part of it is that drinking just dulls the ability to be present in the moment anyway but I definitely need to work on being in my body and not overriding my feelings of apathy towards the alcohol. I think I am finding myself a little bored and a little lonely in the evenings - and often a little stressed - and so I am trying to force myself to feel good by drinking more even when it is having no effect anymore.

Interesting. Disturbing but interesting. I actually asked my kids to do some baking with me tonight because they love doing it and I realized I may just need to have something to do and need to be with my kids instead of having them playing on their computers all night and me being lonely. I'll let you know how that goes. Maybe I will be able to find things that fill me up and the drinking will fall away faster.....

Happy Wednesday.

Jephiner

Happy Wednesday to you Jephiner.

Sounds like the baking plan is a great one. My kids love to bake too and they would be THRILLED to bake on a Wednesday night so I think your plan is for sure a good one.

Wishing you the best for the rest of the week. xoxo Newlife

Wow summer is here and I am into month 5 with TSM. I haven't been tracking my drinks but they are way down. Way, way down. I never have just 1 drink - ever - but seem to be having a little more success with only having 2 sometimes, and rarely having more than 4 in one day. If I have more than 3 it is over a longer period of time - easily 3-5 hours. I definitely have had a 'bump' towards wanting less at each session when I increased to 75mg although I feel nauseous sometimes too. Small price to pay though. I think if I had to guess I would say last week I had 14 units total...possibly up to 16. I find I am always starting in eager. The first beer goes down and on some level I am trying to temper my speed but wanting to drink it quickly. Second goes down fairly quickly too but after that I am tipsy and don't really want any more, I just don't want to stop feeling tipsy. Usually I will start 1 more and get about half way or three quarters of the way through it and either pour it out or give it to my husband.

I do seem to run into a bit more trouble when I am drinking wine, I think because of how much quicker I get drunk and then I get sort of 'absent' from my experience. This seems to be a bad spot where I am more likely to get into my 4th or 5th drink before I start being turned off by the alcohol. Still, it is never 4 or 5 glasses of wine - but I may have 2 beer and then a couple of glasses of wine -which is better than a bottle of wine. The volume of the beer really seems to be helpful in slowing me down. I have also started adding clamato (a Canadian thing) to my beer so I even slow those down somewhat and I am liking that.

I know this sounds crazy but I am finding myself actively making the decision to drink earlier in the day on weekends. I do this because now that there is an 'end' to how much I will drink, I find that if I have enough hours between my last drink and bed, I am much less likely to wake up in the middle of the night (which I often do if I have more than 3 drinks) and which really is disruptive to me and causes me to struggle significantly more than if I do get my sleep, both physically and emotionally. What I am finding is that if I have a couple of drinks with my lunch, I usually quit after 3, maybe 4, in around 4 or 5 hours and a) I experience my queasy/hung over-ish feelings while awake (which I think is good negative feedback to have) and b) I sleep fine.

I am finding myself at a bit of a hard spot where I would kind of like to stop drinking for a while - to just focus on my physical health but also to put some coping mechanisms back in place which I seem to be missing because now when I feel stressed or 3 o'clock hits (the witching hour) I tend to just allow myself to drink so I am not really 'coping' in any real sense, just masking. However, I am afraid it will have a boom-a-rang effect if I go without for too long because I definitely still have the desire to drink almost every day (at least 5 out of 7 but often 7 out of 7). I'm not sure what to do with this. What I really want is the repulsion after 1, consistently. I'm not sure if that will happen or not or whether it is a moot point and to keep drinking until I get there is just an exercise in futility. Even stopping at 2, consistently, would be fine...and that is not far away. I think I will just keep trudging along for now and I'm sure there will be a better time in the next couple of months to start weaning off entirely or for longer stretches.

I had a funny conversation with my husband the other day. I asked him if he had to choose between me drinking like I do now, or never drinking again, which would he pick. He said generally, like I drink now, except that I talk so much about how much I'm drinking, why I think I'm drinking, how much I wish I was drinking (or not drinking) that it can be pretty annoying. LOL. It was so true. I do enjoy it on some level- otherwise I would stop entirely, I'm sure - but I do suck any fun out of it. I also find that I get really talkative, which even I find exhausting, and it tends to be me analyzing me and being fixated on me. I think this is one of the things that indicates to me that I am still dealing with real cravings because seriously, I even annoy myself with my constant analyzing and chatter about if I am getting better, how I am getting better, if I should do something differently. So tedious!

Jephiner

Wow, Jephiner, I can really see myself in what you are saying.

I too feel like I'm doing pretty well, but would like to cut down still more. I have AF days (one or two per week), but the thought of longer stretches or giving it up completely scares me and seems out of reach. maybe it only seems that way?

Anyway, I am much better off than pre-nal, and sounds like you are too!!

Good for you!!

Hang in there, Newlife