Hey Everyone,

So these last couple of weeks haven't been too bad. I have been drinking pretty steadily because I am traveling for work at the end of this week and it is basically a 4 day party - complete with concerts, dinners and open bars from about 3:00pm to 3:00am, every day. I have known about this trip since February and basically have been in "TSM BOOTCAMP" preparing for it. I have been drinking as often as I can tolerate it (physically and emotionally) in hopes that I would be in control by the time this week came around....and it is here already. The good news is that this group of people are heavy drinkers and you hear stories and see people really drunk all the time - and there isn't too much judgement about it unless you do something unprofessional (being drunk isn't really considered unprofessional unless you can't function or get too sloppy) so I don't think I will be at the point where it is a problem, now that I have made progress over the last 10 weeks, but still.....nerve wracking!

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I was starting to pack and I do the thing I do each time I have to go to one of these things - start getting outfits together - and all of a sudden I realized I was having a bit of an anxiety attack. Honestly, I took my Nal right away because I realized how uncomfortable I was and wasn't sure I would be able to stop myself from drinking so wanted to make sure I had it in my system. Two things were interesting about this 1) I realized how much 'stuff' I still needed to address about my social anxiety and what I realized was a huge feeling of inadequacy that I wasn't truly aware of inside myself 2) I did wait the hour and I did start drinking and honestly, it really made me feel quite a bit better even without the endorphins. Is that what "Normies" feel like when they drink? I just relaxed a bit - my brain stopped ping-ponging around - and I was able to just finish packing and focus on the tasks at hand instead of being all tied up in knots.

I have started seeing my therapist again since I started doing TSM as I needed the support to cope with the drinking. I'm glad I did because I can see I still have some significant issues that need to be addressed. In the past (when I was sober the last couple of years) I think I would have had the thought "I want a drink" and then just fixated on that thought, and fighting the urge, instead of really being conscious of the issue behind it. It is an interesting and helpful side effect of TSM - being able to let go of the 'fighting the urge', have a drink, and then reflect.

I did drink a lot yesterday - 7 beer - but I drank them over 10 hours. I basically had a long long buzz. I don't feel great today but I don't feel terrible. I'm not saying it is ideal but I am so thankful for my progress and that I am not still in bed, wretching, crying and wishing I was dead because I had 7 drinks in 2 hours which would have been the case 3 months ago.

It sounds crazy but I have so much empathy for compassion for all of us going through this. This is hard and takes stamina and bravery.....not that any of us really has a choice...but still.

Thinking about you all today, and thinking about all those who still suffer and don't know about TSM. May we all be freed from the causes of our suffering.

xoxo

Jephiner

Very well stated, Jephiner. I wish you the very best of luck and success with your trip. It sounds like lots of fun; but that does become an issue for all of us, right? Sounds like you are doing really well with TSM. I wish the best for you. Newlife