Day 160

Well, I just got back from a week trip back to my hometown. This annual trip has always been a terrible binge, partly because my parents have a fully stocked liquor cabinet (with my favorite Rum, Myers Dark) and partly just to deal with the stress of it all. We also stayed the night at an Embassy Suites (their "Manager's Reception" is a free, open bar at which I've got drunk many a time; it's an alcoholics favorite hotel), and went to the beach.

The week was a bit of a series of flashbacks for me (if you've watched Lost, it was kind of like that) where I was recalling all my past drinking in those locations -- what I drank, where I hid it, the liquor stores I "went jogging" to, etc... So, yes, I did think about drinking quite a bit the past week, but mainly because it was trigger central. No cravings, though, so it was all golden.

I guess the biggest event was having a group of relatives -- in front of my teenager and wife -- finally ask, "Why aren't you drinking? Did you give it up or something?" after I had refused a beer for the umpteenth time. It was pretty interesting. This was just a friendly conversation, no real pressure, but I heard, "Are you an alcoholic or something?" and "I've barely even seen you drink -- do you drink in secret?" All I said was, "I'm just taking a year off of alcohol because I want to."
My teenager later said, "Why would you take a year off when you only drank like one beer a month?" and my father in law said, "I've never even seen you drink more than two beers, but if that's what you want to do..."

It was a bit surreal. In my mind, I'm doing something "big" and momentous, but to them I'm just giving up my monthly or weekly beer. No need to explain. My wife never said anything about it to me. I'm back home and moving on.

My self-control is now at its highest point in my life, so I've moved onto my next challenge -- my overall diet (cleaning it up to help with weight training). I'm attempting intermittent fasting (consuming all calories within an 8 hour window only). We'll see how that goes, but so far it's been doable.

Awesome Barry! You got a great head on those shoulders, great discipline. I feel very privileged in being able to follow the positive restructuring of your recovery, ty. Peace

It is bizarre that your not drinking made others mildly uncomfortable. I've heard about this a lot, but never experienced it (everyone in my life is thrilled when they see me holding a non-alcoholic beverage, and the only annoying comments are along the lines of condescending good for you's).

I've had that response from people as well - "why aren't you drinking more" or similar statements. As everyone knows me as someone who likes to drink, this is different behaviour and apparently does make some people curious (if not uncomfortable?). I haven't figured out an answer yet, just that "I'm good right now", but would be interested in other people's response to these kinds of comments.

Good job btw, thanks for sharing your journey.

It is interesting. My MIL (who has maybe one glass of wine per year), pulled my wife aside and asked, "What happened? Is everything ok?" That whole side of the family is pretty tame in terms of drinking compared to mine, and they had the strongest reaction. I think, partly, that people doing blatant self-improvement is what often makes people uncomfortable in some sense.

My mom also asked why I wasn't having a beer. I said, "I'm taking at least a year off." "Why?" "Because I want to," said confidently. "That's a good reason." No more questions.

Something like "Because I want to" (again, said very confidently) really doesn't leave much room for further questioning on their part.

Other possible lines...
"It just makes me sleepy and boring as I get older."
"It doesn't do it for me anymore."
"I'm much more fun without it."
"As I get older, my body reacts differently to it and I don't want it anymore."

6 months AF today! Nothing exciting to report in terms of drinking. Last Friday, I was at a table with wine, vodka, and beer on a beautiful evening at the lake with friends. No aversion to alcohol, not exactly "indifference," but just complete control.

Every once in awhile, I do think about when the year is over and whether or not I'll resume drinking at all. I do miss the occassional times that having a drink with my wife was a simple, positive thing, but then I have flashbacks of all the negatives that I had with drinking for every one positive.

I definitely have been incredibly more productive these past 6 months, a much better parent, and much healthier and in better shape.

Congratulations, Barry! Sounds like you're living the good life while not drinking.

Nice!

Day 225. Just a quick update. Things are going very well. One thing I must say is great about being alcohol free is being ready for all the surprises / problems that randomly happen. Three weeks ago, it's raining outside and about 9:30PM. Normally, I would have been quite drunk at this point. My teenager calls from about 15 miles away in the city and says her car won't start. I have to go rescue her.

Two weeks ago, at a friend's house having a family dinner which we do every fall at their house. I remember vividly the last year getting drunk because he had left out a bottle of vodka on the counter. I snuck in multiple times and kept taking swigs from the bottle. This year, I was just having iced tea. My other teenager falls and breaks her arm. I have to take her to the ER -- where I work! -- and speak to about 10 co-workers of mine up close. I was so happy to be 100% sober. Ugh, I think what it might have been like if this had happened last year.

Gearing up for my "final challenge," which will be the holidays. Pretty much 100% set on not drinking anymore after my one year is up, at least not for the "foreseeable future."

P.S. From the self-discipline I've learned through all this, I'm also trying now to stop drinking diet soda (a bad addiction for me). Day 10 on that one, no problems so far.

Barry, your vignettes show how wonderful it is to know that you can do anything at any time without being drunk !! The worry and shame of interacting with others with alcohol on board is gone. Having had situations very similar to what you describe, without any alcohol involved now, is the best feeling ever.

It's very obvious to me when people have been drinking, so why wouldn't it have been obvious to others that we were. Of course, at that point, you wonder what the hell you were thinking, and what the drinking was accomplishing.

Thanks for sharing all that.