Day 128

Just wanted to put a little "journal" entry on this 4th of July. Two good things to report. First, my constant thoughts of "I'm not drinking right now" have dissipated quite a bit in the past two weeks. That's been nice, especially since I can now go several days before I think, "How long has it been since I drank?" That makes time go by much faster. Second, my eating and exercising have improved which, if you've been following me, is my penultimate hurdle in my life turn-around. My final hurdle is getting into a better job, and I'm working on it -- a lot of that is beyond my control, though.

Went to the funeral of a family friend yesterday that was alcohol-related. He was a really great guy, aged 52, that developed liver disease about three years ago from excessive drinking -- it was a rough life from that point until his death last week. He was very vocal about it to the end, always willing to share his tale to people (especially young people) about the dangers of excessive drinking. His wife, apparently, continues to drink heavily, so she hasn't heeded his warning.

Happy Independence Day to all the Americans out there in TSM land. I'm stuck at the hospital today, but am going to our local (and "spectacular") fireworks show tonight.

Yep, not counting is key. If I didnt track it on here Id have no idea.

Happy fourth!

Ugh. Just found out my hard-drinking brother-in-law is coming in town for the weekend. He's the type that always opens a beer and just hands it to you -- no questions asked. He sees me as his "drinking buddy" and calls me "bro." I have about an hour to strategize. (a) Fake it. (b) Come right out and tell him I'm "taking a year off" (c) Tell him I'm on antibiotics and can't drink (just kidding, that one's super lame), (d) Pretend to be drunk already and tell him I'm already super f*cked up and will pass out if I have just one more. If I don't say anything up front, I'll be forced to say something as he pushes a beer into my hand.

Hey Barry, it seems as though you and UK Blonde are of the "life is better without alcohol set". Do you really believe that the Nal and TSM is what helped or would a shot of vivitriol and will power have done the same? I'm asking, cuz I wonder if that might not be a better option. I thought the purpose behind TSM was to get one to the point where they really just don't want to drink anymore? It sounds like there are still cravings and you still focus on not drinking like they do in AA. Just curious! And trying to grasp for anything that will free me from this addiction. Thank you for your continued input. Keek

kekede Hey, I remember you from last year. Regarding Vivitrol and will power -- honestly, I have no idea. Addictions are so complicated that, really, there's no telling what it was exactly that freed me from alcohol -- and, yes, I'm "free" in the sense that I have zero cravings, zero desire to drink, and what feels like complete control over alcohol at this time. As I've mentioned, alcohol will always be there as an old lover, so there's always the risk that I will turn to it as circumstances change (whereas, for example, I have no chance of ever turning to meth or heroin, because I've never met them).

Vivitrol and will power does seem like a good combo for certain people. The problem I've see around here over the past 1.5 years is mainly in the will power department, i.e. people expecting the pill to magically make them stop drinking, rather than being used as just a simple, dumb tool to block some neurochemicals so that our higher will can be more active in quitting drinking. When I started TSM, I really, really, really wanted to stop drinking and I was proactive from day one in making that happen. I also had great resources to draw upon -- money to support substitute activities and self-improvement, a supportive spouse, kids, a rich spiritual and religious background, a preponderance of clean-living, sober friends, etc...

The other strength I have is that life really is dramatically better without alcohol for me. But, this took time to develop, as well. It wasn't actually much better at first, if at all. When I was in the worst phase of my drinking, life without alcohol seemed like it would completely suck, as though everything would be bland and lifeless and lame. It has taken me awhile to foster natural "highs" for all of the highs I got from alcohol -- alcohol gave me sexual abandon, so I had to develop that abandon sober; alcohol gave me a sense of wonder about things, so I had to develop that wonder while sober; alcohol made me socially smooth, so I had to develop that while sober...I could go on, but you get my point. For me, personally, this has come about only by racking up alcohol-free days (180 since January 1) and re-living the big and little moments of life while sober over and over and over. I had programmed myself over all those years of drinking to rely on alcohol in certain situations -- when I want to be social, when I want to feel "high" and good about the world, when I want to be romantic, when I want to relax and unwind, when I want to deal with a stressful situation. Besides relying on alcohol for those situations, I had to re-learn how to do simple tasks (e.g. putting my kids to bed at night, talking to my parents on the phone, getting ready for bed, cooking dinner) all without alcohol in my system.

When I talk about "thinking about not drinking," it's never in the sense of "Geez, I wish I could have a drink right now," but rather, "I feel great. I'm not drinking. This is kinda strange" hour after hour, day after day. This also takes alcohol-free time. Surely, my brain is just going to get over all the excitement of it all and move on. This has already happened a lot. If you read back on some of my original barryb posts when I was first experiencing life without alcohol, I seem to be very acutely aware of the strangeness. "Wow, I had sober sex. Wow, I was at a function and only had one drink." It was all so new and strange, but nobody can live like that forever.

Anyway, back to the Vivitrol thing. All I know is, Naltrexone is a "real" drug -- it's not like taking something like Vitamins to combat alcoholism. The **** does its simple job. If you have will power enough that you just need a tool to get you over the edge, I'd say go for it. My only hesitation would be that, based on research, it doesn't demonstrate a long-term success rate of actually allowing you to be "free" of alcohol long term without the drug in your system. (As an aside, my own "freedom" was likely more the effects of personal effort and re-programming via alcohol free days which were assisted off and on by TSM, plus an aversion to Naltrexone [and secondarily to alcohol] from a few bad experiences I had not using the drug correctly).

Hoping you stood strong and kept your af roll alive.

Thanks Barry, I too hope the visit from the brother in law was successful. I enjoy reading your posts and am starting ( albeit again) TSM in a good place. I think I'll try the AF days and then when the cravings/urges to drink come along I will take my NAL...glad to see you are still posting..Keek

plantpro He's gone now. No big deal. It never even came up. We did go golfing in the morning, so it was too early for beer. So, AF 130 and counting.

That is so very poetic! Are you a writer?

BuenaVista is quite the writer and intellectual, but he doesn't do it professionally. I checked on him offline and he's doing well after his accident, still not drinking, moving on with his life. He's trying to cut down on his internet time so he's not hanging out here or some of the other forums he posts on. So, if anyone was worried about the silence...