Well, I’ve struggled to make this decision, but I’m going to put myself out there and say I’m going for an “Alcohol Free Year.” Today is my 100th AF day in a row. This past weekend, I was actually really tempted twice to drink, mostly because it’s now sunny and hot and those are big triggers for me. As summer unfolds, I know I either have to get through it without alcohol, or risk a repeat of last summer.

I’ve created a new user name just to wipe the slate clean a bit, and because each of my three previous user names represented a stage in this whole process. I know at AA meetings, people get up and tell their same old story to the same people, so I figured I’d go ahead and give an abridged version for newcomers.

Before TSM…I started drinking at age 12 when I raided my parents’ liquor cabinet. I had 10 shots of whisky. Throughout junior high, I drank with friends in secret, and drank pretty heavily on weekends in high school. In college, I had a big religious conversion and drank moderately. Once I graduated and got married, I began secret drinking alone, as well as drinking in front of my wife and others. About 13 years ago, my drinking took a turn for the worse with heavy, secret binge drinking on most nights of the week. I moved from beer to straight coconut rum, to straight rum, and eventually discovered straight vodka. I drank vodka in secret every night off as well as drinking beers in front of my wife. I went about 1650 nights without an AF night. I had desperately tried to quit many times and failed miserably (couldn’t make it even one night). My drunk driving was out of control, my mood swings were horrible, and my parenting was as “zombie dad” for years. I googled “Alcohol rehab” one night and ran across a YouTube video highlighting a treatment center that used Naltrexone implants. I was extremely intrigued and my research quickly led me to the Sinclair Method. I excitedly ordered from alldaychemist.com and took my first pill on January 4, 2013.

As barryb…I had immediate results with Naltrexone with my first AF night during my second week. Within a month, I felt as though my old addiction was “snapped” and I was on a new path in life. I still drank weekly, but with Naltrexone I was never able to really drink heavily (I think maybe four drinks max). I began to take up exercise again and re-explore spirituality and philosophy, all of which had largely been ignored for years. I read my first full book in over a decade, followed by many more. My parenting improved dramatically. I proudly put myself on the “cured” list and moved on.

As barryb2…I started experimenting with having just one drink without Naltrexone. I thought I had fully regained control over my drinking (and I had, sort of ). While in Florida at a conference, I finally experienced alcohol euphoria again at a beach bar on a hot, sunny day after two cold beers without Naltrexone. This flipped a little switch in my brain. For the rest of the summer, I ramped up my drinking, only taking Naltrexone once as a way to stop a vodka binge while visiting my parents. By the middle of the Autumn, I was basically back to square one with vodka-sneaking and all the other problems, albeit at a somewhat reduced level.

As barryb3…I considered myself “readdicted” and committed myself to resuming TSM. However, I didn’t, despite my intentions. It was always, “I’ll take a pill next time.” I went to Christmas Eve mass drunk on vodka (which, to me, is shameful). While visiting my hometown, I drank heavily every night and generally acted like a bore. On the drive back to my house, I decided enough is enough and looked forward to stopping the drinking once the new year arrived. I quickly did about 40 days AF, was freed from the "dopamine fog" of addiction, and started to regain my previous “sober brain,” which I greatly enjoyed. During two weeks in February, I drank moderately on four occasions. On February 26th, the week before Lent, I had a terrible experience I detailed here. Basically, I got very drunk off beer, vodka, and wine and took a Naltrexone to stop the binge. I had what seemed like a “near death experience” of anxiety and general shittiness. (New people: Do NOT take your first Naltrexone of the day after you’re already drunk; it’s similar to giving Narcan [IV Naltrexone] to someone already high on opiates – often severe nausea, projectile vomiting, and anxiety ensues). The next morning was the first of my 100 days up to today.

In this 100 days, I’ve realized the following:

**I understand how “recovering” alcoholics will say that “just one drop” of alcohol can lead them right down the road to addiction. I’ve had the realization that, for me, just one innocent beer at this point can “flip my switch” again. I even avoid communion wine.

**Although I will probably drink alcohol again at some point in my life, right now I’m just not ready or strong enough to embark on that again.

**My improper use of Naltrexone has given me a terrible aversion to the drug (I had almost no side-effects during my initial use, so don’t be discouraged by my results). I’d rather just not drink than drink with Naltrexone, and I know that if I drink without Naltrexone, I’m pretty much doomed at this point. Trust me, I would start secret drinking vodka again in short order. I haven’t gotten over that love affair.

**Having a goal (mine was to go AF 100 days in a row) has been very helpful to me and has stopped me from drinking on several occasions. I’ve only drank 5 times in the past 5 months, so I feel confident that going another 7 months (or 265 more days) is very doable. It was actually something I “fantasized” about when in the throes of addiction. “Wouldn’t it be awesome to go a whole year – through all of the routines, seasons, and rituals – without alcohol?” It was more of a pipe-dream than anything, but here I am within relatively easy grasp of it.

**It’s crucial to fill the void of alcohol with positive things. For me, I have really made the best use of my sobriety during this time. I have exercised regularly, read a lot, have spent excellent quality time with my kids, worked extra to make more money, taken up more spiritual reading and meditation (still a hard agnostic, though), and generally been able to experience euphoria and a “high” feeling without alcohol. My wife the other night claims she can’t tell the difference in me between now and when I drank regularly. That was a bit disconcerting, because to me I’m like a totally different person. But, oh well, I’m not doing it for her anyway.

**Not one time has anyone said anything to me about the fact that I’m not drinking. I’m like a secret NON-drinker now, I guess.

**My anger issues and hyper-emotionalism over the past 15 or so years were almost 100% related to my drinking problem.

**I still think about not-drinking pretty much all day. It’s my last thought when I go to bed and my first thought when I wake up. I don’t know how long those thoughts last. They’re not bad thoughts. Mostly something like, “Hey, I’m totally sober.”

So...thanks to everyone for their support. I'm far from being the poster child of TSM, but without it, my life would be almost entirely different at this point. Honestly, I might not even be alive for all I know. I had pretty much resigned myself to an early grave or going to prison after killing someone while driving drunk. I thought myself powerless before alcohol. I was this close to just surrendering until I stumbled across Naltrexone and The Sinclair Method and later, this sorry little forum.

That's a heartfelt story Barry B4. Thanks for sharing. judging from my wife's response (happy, and lacking the pre-sniffing by her on the welcome home kiss), I'll bet she is happier than you think.

Good luck

Wooooo hooooo! Totally awesome Barryb4! You can do it. I want to personally ty for all your involvement with this lil sorry forum. (Although I'll disagree and think it's a great lil forum.) It helps all of us and all future participants when we can follow the footsteps of those that have gone before us. A year would be a phenomenal achievement. Peace and good luck.
ps .................stick around and give us your 2 cents now and then, don't be a stranger.

plantpro I'll definitely stick around. I've been part of different forums since the 90s and find them to be very powerful psychologically, especially in this case. I've compared this forum to a small, dingy room with stale coffee and fold-up chairs. But, even being part of such a group and having some level of accountability has been very influential in my success (even though it would be easy to lie to the group).

Congrats B4.

My view of sober-euphoria: I can't say I've ever experienced it. The warm glow, and safety-zone aura, that alcohol (and narcotics) creates has been unique in my life. However, I have moments of absolutely lucid, rich joy when sober, and only when sober. In these moments I can also recall vividly the downward-pressing, vision-stifling, life-throttling pressure that is repetitive alcohol usage. Alcohol, in these moments, resembles something like a dank, dark, very heavy buffalo robe I wear and drag around; sobriety, in contrast, seems like a spring day in youth, when all remains possible, interesting, and free. "I remember this feeling" I say to myself. "This is the joy of emerging adulthood I once knew."

...sobriety, in contrast, seems like a spring day in youth, when all remains possible, interesting, and free. "I remember this feeling" I say to myself. "This is the joy of emerging adulthood I once knew.

Wouldn't that be euphoria? I guess it's semantics.

From Wikipedia: Euphoria is generally considered to be an exaggerated physical and psychological state, sometimes induced by the use of psychoactive drugs and not typically achieved during the normal course of human experience. However, some natural behaviors, such as activities resulting in orgasm, love, or triumph of an athlete can induce brief states of euphoria. Euphoria has also been cited during certain religious or spiritual rituals and meditation.

The problem with relying on alcohol for euphoria, for me, is that it was becoming more and more difficult to get the good euphoria, its presence was much more fleeting, and the price I had to pay to get it was getting higher and higher. The wikipedia quote above resonates with my experience. The following are sources of natural euphoria -- sex, family/marriage, exercise, religious rituals (for me, Mass), and meditation. However, I do have the "religion gene" if there is such a thing, so I'm prone to what people call religious experiences, even though I don't technically "believe" much dogma-wise.

Quick update since I am trying to "journal" this whole experience. Yes, the "addictive voice" of alcohol has really been stronger since I said I was going to do an AF year. I guess it just didn't like the idea of another 265 days without alcohol. No "cravings" yet, per se, and my wife and I are settled into our new normal. I actually went to the liquor store a few days ago to get her red wine and beer. She drinks one drink about 3-4 times per week.

My main experience so far is that I'm so frequently thinking about not drinking, as in "I'm not drinking right now." I'm hoping that goes down with time, but it is a bit annoying. When I do get a thought such as, "It's going to be so hard to go the rest of the year," I stop and think about whether I want a drink TODAY versus some distant day, and I always think, "No, actually not today." The whole bad experience in February seems to be what's "powering" me at this point, because there is a bit of an aversion to alcohol going on.

Isnt it funny about how you cant "not think" about something? Any NLPers want to chime in here?

Thats why I dont count. Maybe Im oppositional too, just a rule breaker.

Hmm. I had to look up NLP. Not my thing, but it looks useful. In regards to counting. I think it would partly be a personality thing as to whether or not counting is effective. For me, at least at this stage in the game, it's extremely effective. I don't want to have to "reset" to zero, so I have on several occasions said "no" in order to keep the tally running. But, yes, the "tally" is really neither here nor there in the big picture.

This past weekend, we had a big party at our boat club. Usually I would drink a bunch just to tolerate this group of blowhards and douchebags, but I had nothing to drink. It was interesting, if nothing else. There were plenty of excuses to drink this past week, including Father's Day yesterday.

Side Note: One of the young teenagers (13) that I know pretty well has a dad that drinks heavily and frequently. I think this kid notices that I don't drink (I'm pretty much the only one), so at multiple points this weekend he talked to me about his dad "getting drunk all the time" and about how people out at the club get drunk and act stupid.

Anyway, I'm moving on to my next big hurdle in my personal Renaissance which is my diet -- Alcohol. Check. Emotional mastery. Check. Improve parenting. Check. Changing my marital dynamic. Eh...Check-ish. Exercise. Check-ish (could be better, but still pretty good). Meditation/Spirituality. Check-ish (a never ending quest, I suppose). I've always left my diet as a last thing because it provides a lot of emotional comfort to me to be able to eat and drink whatever whenever. So, diet soda addiction and lots of sugary / fatty foods. Mind you, I'm still just 155', but healthy food is good for you no matter your size. I do have a lot of experience eating healthy (spent a year as a vegan, for example), but my "baseline" is definitely a junk food diet. Ah...the things I ate growing up are mind-boggling. If you could put in a giant pile all the food I've eaten and drank in my life, it would be pretty hilariously bad.

Really pleased to hear this.

I'm into my 11th month AF - following 2 years of moderation.............it is doable, not easy at times to keep that AF status BUT the achievement is massive.

DO watch out for substitution, I noticed I start 'using' food, so then I had to get onto(or off) that!