Well, I’ve struggled to make this decision, but I’m going to put myself out there and say I’m going for an “Alcohol Free Year.”
Today is my 100th AF day in a row. This past weekend, I was actually really tempted twice to drink, mostly because it’s now sunny and hot and those are big triggers for me. As summer unfolds, I know I either have to get through it without alcohol, or risk a repeat of last summer.
I’ve created a new user name just to wipe the slate clean a bit, and because each of my three previous user names represented a stage in this whole process. I know at AA meetings, people get up and tell their same old story to the same people, so I figured I’d go ahead and give an abridged version for newcomers.
Before TSM…I started drinking at age 12 when I raided my parents’ liquor cabinet. I had 10 shots of whisky. Throughout junior high, I drank with friends in secret, and drank pretty heavily on weekends in high school. In college, I had a big religious conversion and drank moderately. Once I graduated and got married, I began secret drinking alone, as well as drinking in front of my wife and others. About 13 years ago, my drinking took a turn for the worse with heavy, secret binge drinking on most nights of the week. I moved from beer to straight coconut rum, to straight rum, and eventually discovered straight vodka. I drank vodka in secret every night off as well as drinking beers in front of my wife. I went about 1650 nights without an AF night. I had desperately tried to quit many times and failed miserably (couldn’t make it even one night). My drunk driving was out of control, my mood swings were horrible, and my parenting was as “zombie dad” for years. I googled “Alcohol rehab” one night and ran across a YouTube video highlighting a treatment center that used Naltrexone implants. I was extremely intrigued and my research quickly led me to the Sinclair Method. I excitedly ordered from alldaychemist.com and took my first pill on January 4, 2013.
As barryb…I had immediate results with Naltrexone with my first AF night during my second week. Within a month, I felt as though my old addiction was “snapped” and I was on a new path in life. I still drank weekly, but with Naltrexone I was never able to really drink heavily (I think maybe four drinks max). I began to take up exercise again and re-explore spirituality and philosophy, all of which had largely been ignored for years. I read my first full book in over a decade, followed by many more. My parenting improved dramatically. I proudly put myself on the “cured” list and moved on.
As barryb2…I started experimenting with having just one drink without Naltrexone. I thought I had fully regained control over my drinking (and I had, sort of ). While in Florida at a conference, I finally experienced alcohol euphoria again at a beach bar on a hot, sunny day after two cold beers without Naltrexone. This flipped a little switch in my brain. For the rest of the summer, I ramped up my drinking, only taking Naltrexone once as a way to stop a vodka binge while visiting my parents. By the middle of the Autumn, I was basically back to square one with vodka-sneaking and all the other problems, albeit at a somewhat reduced level.
As barryb3…I considered myself “readdicted” and committed myself to resuming TSM. However, I didn’t, despite my intentions. It was always, “I’ll take a pill next time.” I went to Christmas Eve mass drunk on vodka (which, to me, is shameful). While visiting my hometown, I drank heavily every night and generally acted like a bore. On the drive back to my house, I decided enough is enough and looked forward to stopping the drinking once the new year arrived. I quickly did about 40 days AF, was freed from the "dopamine fog" of addiction, and started to regain my previous “sober brain,” which I greatly enjoyed. During two weeks in February, I drank moderately on four occasions. On February 26th, the week before Lent, I had a terrible experience I detailed here. Basically, I got very drunk off beer, vodka, and wine and took a Naltrexone to stop the binge. I had what seemed like a “near death experience” of anxiety and general shittiness. (New people: Do NOT take your first Naltrexone of the day after you’re already drunk; it’s similar to giving Narcan [IV Naltrexone] to someone already high on opiates – often severe nausea, projectile vomiting, and anxiety ensues). The next morning was the first of my 100 days up to today.
In this 100 days, I’ve realized the following:
**I understand how “recovering” alcoholics will say that “just one drop” of alcohol can lead them right down the road to addiction. I’ve had the realization that, for me, just one innocent beer at this point can “flip my switch” again. I even avoid communion wine.
**Although I will probably drink alcohol again at some point in my life, right now I’m just not ready or strong enough to embark on that again.
**My improper use of Naltrexone has given me a terrible aversion to the drug (I had almost no side-effects during my initial use, so don’t be discouraged by my results). I’d rather just not drink than drink with Naltrexone, and I know that if I drink without Naltrexone, I’m pretty much doomed at this point. Trust me, I would start secret drinking vodka again in short order. I haven’t gotten over that love affair.
**Having a goal (mine was to go AF 100 days in a row) has been very helpful to me and has stopped me from drinking on several occasions. I’ve only drank 5 times in the past 5 months, so I feel confident that going another 7 months (or 265 more days) is very doable. It was actually something I “fantasized” about when in the throes of addiction. “Wouldn’t it be awesome to go a whole year – through all of the routines, seasons, and rituals – without alcohol?” It was more of a pipe-dream than anything, but here I am within relatively easy grasp of it.
**It’s crucial to fill the void of alcohol with positive things. For me, I have really made the best use of my sobriety during this time. I have exercised regularly, read a lot, have spent excellent quality time with my kids, worked extra to make more money, taken up more spiritual reading and meditation (still a hard agnostic, though), and generally been able to experience euphoria and a “high” feeling without alcohol. My wife the other night claims she can’t tell the difference in me between now and when I drank regularly. That was a bit disconcerting, because to me I’m like a totally different person. But, oh well, I’m not doing it for her anyway.
**Not one time has anyone said anything to me about the fact that I’m not drinking. I’m like a secret NON-drinker now, I guess.
**My anger issues and hyper-emotionalism over the past 15 or so years were almost 100% related to my drinking problem.
**I still think about not-drinking pretty much all day. It’s my last thought when I go to bed and my first thought when I wake up. I don’t know how long those thoughts last. They’re not bad thoughts. Mostly something like, “Hey, I’m totally sober.”
So...thanks to everyone for their support. I'm far from being the poster child of TSM, but without it, my life would be almost entirely different at this point. Honestly, I might not even be alive for all I know. I had pretty much resigned myself to an early grave or going to prison after killing someone while driving drunk. I thought myself powerless before alcohol. I was this close to just surrendering until I stumbled across Naltrexone and The Sinclair Method and later, this sorry little forum.
