barryb3 wrote:
gvk2005. Great post. Agreed that you sound like you're handling this thing perfectly. A marriage like that is a beautiful thing. Like your husband, I developed into a secret drinker. I'd drink one in the open, six on the side of the garage. I did it partly to protect my wife -- I didn't want her married to an alcoholic (or, think she was married to one!). I also have a wicked sweet tooth, but I've always had that. It's interesting about the sudden cravings. I've heard certain steroids can give someone an insatiable hunger, but I've never heard to anything causing insatiable cravings. Doesn't matter, really. It is what it is.
It sucks about his career, too. That just compounds the depression and desire-to-drink in a vicious cycle.
One bit of practical advice would be to get him onto this forum to share his story. I and many others have found great therapeutic success just in writing things down, even though there are only a handful of people who will read it (I've compared this forum to a small room with 10 folding chairs and a stinky coffee pot). He can fudge a fact here and there to make it totally anonymous. As weird as it sounds, if I know that I'll have to admit drinking failures to random people on this site, I'm less likely to cheat (even though I could lie). It's purely a psychological trick taking advantage of our social nature, but it works wonders for me.
If you feel like sharing more, here are some questions...
*What, when, and how much does he currently drink?
*Has he gained weight through this whole shebang? If so, how much could he "stand to lose"?
*When he drinks, is it visibly obvious, or is he really good at hiding it? (I got drunk pretty much every night off and after my confession, my wife said, "I never saw you drunk." I'm that good!).
Anyway, try to get him on here. It's an extremely non-judgmental crowd.
Hi all...thank you so much for the responses.
I have encouraged my husband to post here as he goes on this journey. I'm not sure that he will though. He isn't much of an internet guy to begin with, short of looking things up. But he's never been one for forums and the like. (while I've always been more heavily involved in the webs that way) If he even continues to read here though, for encouragement purposes and education, that will likely still be helpful, I think?
To answer some of the questions..its hard to know the "what, when and how much" since his descent into the problem drinking. He carries great shame about this period and I've had to ease a lot of the info I do have out of him. However, I do know from some of the times I've "caught" him, so to speak...and there didn't seem to be a standard. Vodka, fireball (?), beer, wine. One time he drank some of the cooking wine. Another time, he drank some of my unopened white drinking wine and tried to refill the bottle with water. I only found that out when we were expecting company and I went to put the bottle in the fridge to chill it. He admitted it, then of course, and said it was the only thing in the house at the time and he was craving alcohol but was too ashamed to tell me, so he thought he'd cover it up until he could replace it. Given that situation, I don't know if or how many other times he may have done such a thing. Other times, I know he drank two large beers (24 oz'ers) in rapid succession...enough to get a buzz.
As for the weight... When he had been so ill with his intestinal infection, he had lost 30 lbs rapidly. His clothes were hanging on him. Once that medical situation was on the mend, he started gaining back. Then once the drinking ramped up into a heavier mode, he not only put that same 30 lbs back on, but has since added another 10-15. To the point where even his pre-illness clothes are super tight on him.
He is probably good at hiding his drinking from the world at large until he gets downright drunk. But he can't hide it from me anymore. I've become a quick study and can now pretty much tell not only that he's been drinking, but how much. The signs are VERY subtle and perhaps something only an intimate would pick up on. He doesn't have to slur in order for me to notice his voice or speaking cadence has changed. Same with his walk. Its just a more "cautious' walk, different gait cadence, wider stanced, etc. Also, something he never had with social drinking before, even if he was intoxicated...is that his left eye will droop. Sometimes just a slight bit, sometimes more prominently. But I notice it now even when slight. Then there is the breath of course, which no toothpaste, mints or gum can disguise from me. He still thinks it can. There were times I smelled alcohol on his breath and he blamed it on everything from throat drops to Nyquil to some random food. Those were the lies I hated. Being treated as though I'm daft? But hopefully that is all a thing of the past now.
His Nal arrived in the mail two days ago. He has started the process Monday night. He took the Nal the minute he picked it up at the post office..and set the timer on his phone. He picked up a 6 pack of Mexican beer on the way home..it was Cinco de Mayo..and this has been a tradition for us in years past, to eat Mexican food and drink Corona. Anyhow...he ate while waiting the hour to be up. I could see he was chomping at the bit, even as he encouraged me to go ahead and open one for myself with dinner. I didn't want to..but he said it was important for him to challenge himself to wait the hour, even in the presence of alcohol or drinkers. So I did. As soon as the timer went off, I opened him a beer and we started a movie. This is where it got a little interesting. I had to keep encouraging him to drink it. Usually he would take a very long drink/pull on the bottle. But he was taking these little sips and then not taking another one for a long time. I guess I was worried that if he didn't drink with the Nal on board, he'd be defeating the purpose, so thats why I encouraged him from time to time to drink it. I kept inquiring about side effects such as nausea. He never did feel any ill effects. He went on to have a 2nd beer and then opened a third but fell asleep before he finished it. At no time during the 2.5 beers did he try to chug it down...which is a return to how he use to drink socially before all this came about. He said he just did not feel the urge to chug it...and he didn't feel compelled to "keep drinking". So....wow. Already? Who knows if that was just a fluke or a sign that this is really going to help him.
So the very next night, last night...I was going to have a glass of wine with dinner and offered him one. He said he would take another Nal and then drive to the store for beer instead, which he did. He bought a 12 pack. Set his alarm again. (he is impressing me already with his willingness to try to do this by the book) Again, he drank two 16 oz beers...opened a third and couldn't drink it. Still no ill effects or feelings...but he said that again, he felt no desire to keep drinking and that by the 3rd beer he just kind of lost interest. I am impressed so far. Although I have read enough about what is being called the "honeymoon" period for some people, and am aware this could just be that. Still...its obvious that this medicine *does* work on some mysterious way on cravings!
The past 2 weeks, or since my first post...have really put him to the test. We lost a dear relative, not quite an adult yet...in a very tragic accident. Our family has been devastated by the loss and its been such a trying, emotional time. Through it all..there was some MAJOR drinking going on at night at a relatives house, with everyone trying to drown their sorrows or numb the devastating emotions. He did also drink but used sheer willpower I guess to keep it to a moderate level, so that he could be there for me and my family (of origin) who were all such a mess. He did all the driving. On the heels of the death and funeral and such..our daughter graduated from college and we were away for a 4 day celebration of that. Again, lots of champagne and drinks of celebration..and he partook at moderate levels when he did drink, which was 2 of the 4 days.
So I think between the medicine and his trying very hard as well to be conscious of his drinking...he is doing well.
I will update this thread from time to time with his progress, in particular, since he likely wont post himself. Since I am not the drinker I dont think I could post in the "updated progress" thread. (correct me if I am wrong?)
Thanks again for the responses. Sorry this is so long. My addiction is being verbose, lol.
G