Cool. I think I'll go AF for Lent this year. It will be much easier this year. Maybe I'll reprise my Lenten Reflections. Why not?

Well, thought I'd check in here after a few weeks. Up until two nights ago, things have been going great. I thought to myself, "I've never felt healthier or happier in my whole life." Marriage is going well overall -- zero anger or moodiness on my part, lots of mutual affection, decent sex. I have a garage gym that I've been working out alot in -- I look so good now I usually stare at myself in the mirror several times a day (just saying). Two nights ago, well. What can I say? The ABSOLUTE WORST alcohol-related experience of my life (and there were lots to choose from). 50mg Naltrexone + 2 beers + 4 shots of vodka + one glass of wine (not necessarily in that order) and I had what I can only call a major negative reaction / blackout. My tolerance is now so low that I basically went off the deep end (near blackout levels) after just 7 drinks, mistakingly took a Naltrexone to stop the binge (which definitely stops the binge, that's for sure) and had a nightmarish reaction. It was akin to a full psychotic break. I remember...hiding behind a tree in my backyard staring at my house with one eye for about 10 minutes (WTF?), opening a bottle of wine and having it splash all over the counter, being literally unable to think or process information, telling my wife at 8:00PM "I think I'm having a reaction to the pill." "Do you need to go to the hospital?" "No, I just need to go to bed." In bed, I remember rocking back and forth rhythmically moaning...Ohhhh....Ohhhh.....Ohhhhh. Then, waking up at 11:00 and going to the couch when my wife came to bed, and then doing the same moaning thing and thinking, "I'm actually going to die. I'm actually going to die."

I woke up at 5:30 and thought, "I survived," but I still felt awful. Very nauseous. I then did the ol' "try to remember what I did and said last night" thing. I was very embarassed and was wondering if the kids saw me and thought I had gone insane. I thought they might be scared and my wife might be mad. I was trying to think up a story that would somehow make sense of it all and not make me look like a major loser.

As it turns out, I thankfully didn't do anything visibly stupid. My wife just told the kids I was "sick" and had to go to bed. I told my wife I took the pill and then had just two drinks (i.e. I lied) and had a bad reaction. She was definitely NOT mad so I managed to escape yet again. I was nauseous all day, which always makes me gloomy and depressed. I had a chance to make some good $$$ last night but couldn't do it because I just wanted to go to bed early. Mostly nauseous today, but I'm feeling better. My wife told me yesterday, "I guess you just can't drink anymore."

I was thinking yesterday...I've always avoided calling myself an alcoholic. Maybe if there is such a thing, that's what I am. I just know I may NEVER be able to have a normal relationship with alcohol.

Anyway, if you're new to TSM, please don't take my advice on TSM (as I simply don't follow it correctly) or get discouraged by my problems with Naltrexone. I stuck to the golden rule for five months and knocked out a horrible, long-standing addiction to alcohol. It completely changed my life and I'm hopeful that I'm in the last gasps of my drinking days.

Easter is super late this year. Last year was as early as Easter could be, this year it's as late as it can be (it's a moon thing). I'm going to make good on giving up alcohol for Lent, which will be something like 56 days AF starting two days ago (there's NO WAY I'm drinking on my two nights off before Lent -- I have major aversion right now). I'm going to keep working out like a madman and hopefully quickly regain the happiness that I experienced during January and February this year (before THE NIGHT OF HORROR). Last year, even in my TSM heyday, I couldn't have made 56 days AF, but I'm extremely confident I will be able to this year. Thank you for your support.

Welcome to the "trippin on nal" club. Very unpleasant, and yes, know what you mean by thinking you are going to die. Thank goodness you werent driving. Starting at the house from behind a tree sounds almost funny.

Any hallucinations?

Glad you didnt hurt yourself.

No hallucinations that I remember. Apparently, I talked to my mom on the phone, too. I would never have taken 50mg Nal unless I was already drunk and not thinking straight. At the time, I was just thinking, "I need to stop drinking and sober up." I absolutely HATE being out-of-control drunk, so I'll usually do anything in my power to sober up (e.g. force myself to throw up). The only other time I had a terrible experience with Nal (albeit not even 1/3 as bad) was doing the same thing, i.e. taking a Nal after already drinking alot (for me, at least). That one also took two days to recover from (horrible "stretchy / yawny" feeling the next day, nausea, etc...).

If I had been driving, I don't see how I could have made it 100 yards without crashing. I blew into my breathalyzer and it read .044. I was thinking, "Geez, I'm not even drunk" even though I could barely stand. I remembered today that my breathalyzer is way off and needs to be recalibrated. I was probably more like .10, which for me is ****-faced (some "real" alcoholics can function and talk without slurring at .45+).

I'm not sure what to make of the whole experience. I was something akin to a panic attack with extreme brain fog and a sense of impending doom. Ugh. What's the worst that has happened to you?

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=3564

Hehe. You havent read my first post here. I started tripping going 60 mph. Got the hell off the road fast.

Barry, Barry, Barry. Stop drinking without nal! None of that would have happened if you hadn't drunk without nal and gotten so drunk that you wanted an outside force to end it. Read the subject line of this thread you started, okay?

I don't know anything about the tripping. All I know is that it's a bad idea for people formerly addicted to alcohol to drink without the naltrexone blockage.

Melissa,Melissa,Melissa. I can't explain why Naltrexone has changed for me. Again, it could be a bad batch as it all started from the shipment I got back in June. Actually, the other night was a very helpful experience for me. It's about the 7th or so negative drinking experience in a row for me (all without Naltrexone), and was actually worse than all the others combined. Yes, it's not TSM. Yes, I said I was going to follow the golden rule, but didn't. What I'm moving towards is either 100% sobriety or near 100% (let's say a beer here and there without Naltrexone). That just seems like such a better way to live than moderate drinking with Naltrexone, if it's giving me up to 48 hours of side-effects. I've also learned that moderate drinking WITHOUT Naltrexone can easily lead me to addiction and really adds nothing to my life (and, in fact, makes it markedly worse).

January was just so amazing for me, though, when I went 33 or so days AF with no effort and while experiencing extreme happiness and well-being on my part. Then, you know, the whole Valentine's day thing, and mardi gras, and all that, and I have a couple here and there, and then, bam, have a terrible (for me, at least) binge episode which I drunkenly stopped with Naltrexone. It gave me a similar disgust in myself that I felt at the end of December after gaining weight (all of which I've lost and then some) and multiple drinking episodes (including before Mass on Christmas Eve ). Last night was yet another awesome experience of sobriety. We had about ten teenagers over for gumbo and homemade beignets, watched our best friends' kids, and then had nice, sober sex. I felt like a champ all day today, lots of smiling and happiness.

I have no doubt that I'll make it through Lent without alcohol -- that will be 56 AF days. What's worrisome for me is summertime, where I began to really enjoy alcohol again and started my subsequent backsliding. In this case, I do have some doubts that I will maintain my enthusiasm for being fully sober. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I guess part of my insight / realization that would make me more likely to call myself the "A" word, is that I realize that for my whole life I'm going to have to be vigilant about alcohol, as will you, Melissa. Circumstances change, sometimes dramatically (e.g. death of spouse, job losses, death of child, etc...) and our minds will likely go straight to our old buddy, Sir Alcohol. Even after TSM extinction, with enough stress, alcohol will have the same allure it had "before you became addicted" as Sinclair would say. For some of us, that's still a pretty big allure. I will never crave a good joint or some pure cocaine, but alcohol will always be there in the closet of my brain...waiting...............

Ayup. Once a behavior has been learned in the first place, it's much easier to return to it.

Personally, I have about a quarter of a century's worth of experience in watching myself stop drinking, abstain, start drinking, and resume crazy-addicted drinking. I'd have to do some pretty fast talking to convince myself that it would be okay this time . . . but sometimes, under stress, we just don't care.

I'm with you on abstinence or near-abstinence being better than the naltrexone and alcohol combination. I haven't had bad effects from the nal, but the alcohol no longer appeals.

Some people seem to enjoy it. Mostly I'm glad for them, but part of me wonders if the nal dose isn't quite high enough and they'll gradually slide back into heavier drinking. I guess only time will tell, but I don't want to be a wet blanket for those who do still enjoy light drinking (on nal). Nothing's worse than an ex-addict who gets all holier-than-thou.

Day 28 AF! I'm near 100% confident I will make it to Easter (53 days AF total). I intentionally signed up to work Easter night so I will be forced to go AF then, too.

Our family was hanging out with another family last week and the dad asked me if I wanted a beer. I said, "No, I'm giving up alcohol for Lent." My 16 year old later told me, "That's cheating. You barely drink anyway." If only she knew....

Still, it's nice to have your kids think you rarely drink, as opposed to the same daughter who once told me three years ago, "I didn't know you were, like, an alcoholic" after borrowing my cowboy boots for a costume and finding five empty vodka minis in them!

My marriage is going well, too. We are kind of working out the drinking thing, too, as my wife now drinks a beer or wine whenever she wants without feeling guilty. She told me, "I hope it doesn't tempt you." I said, "I pass five liquor stores and four bars every day, so, no."

So, obviously, I'm really starting to think again about "what next" when Lent is over. It sucks because I really don't think I can be a very moderate drinker. I seem to have a "switch" that is either on or off. I'm either "not drinking now" or "drinking now." If I even have one drink, then I tell myself that I'm "drinking again" and then I'm way more likely to keep drinking regularly, which inevitably leads to increased intake, bingeing, and all the negatives. I'm still hesitant / nervous about being 100% alcohol free. I don't have any rational explanation for this, because I've shot down all my original arguments. See my Lenten reflection about "expert mind" to get an idea where this all likely comes from.

AF Cheers!

I just went digging through the archives to find my original barryb post in December 2012. I was looking for this quote:

Why I drink (what I tell myself, at least)...to sleep, to control my libido, to get that high feeling, to make special times more special

What I hate about drinking...drunk driving, ED which is getting worse and worse, hangovers, future health consequences, being "spaced out" with the kids and not present emotionally

With this much time-distance, I found it interesting to compare to now:

to sleep -- no problems now (thanks to my real miracle drug, Benadryl) and exercise; don't snore anymore either, which my wife appreciates
to control my libido -- agreed; still don't have a regularly-available partner (by her choice), but am working on that
to get that high feeling -- most of my more recent memories are negative, especially the last one (still fresh in my mind)
to make special times more special -- Meh. I don't know about that anymore. Alcohol pretty much ruined my Christmas visit.

drunk driving -- I STILL think "am I sober?" when I'm driving at night and pass a cop; one of the best perks of being sober
ED -- solved; 100% related to alcohol; still can barely get it up after just two drinks
hangovers -- Zero. I STILL wake up at 4:00 or so and think, "Am I drunk?" I smile and go back to bed.
future health consequences -- eliminated; no worries about my liver or pancreas anymore
"spaced out" and distant -- Zero. This is the part that probably makes me happiest. My 10 year old loves "hanging out with me" (would NEVER have done that in the past), and the 10 and 13 year old love humorous banter (which I'm an expert at only when sober; when I drink, I don't talk).