Thanks Ruth! Good to hear from you. I think I will start a new thread so I can differentiate from this one. A new approach, and new thread - I'm ready...

Babs

I'm too lazy to start a new thread so I'll report here once in awhile. Last night was interesting. My husband was out for the evening and I had lots of time to just read, and sit quietly and think...good!

I actually gave my dinner choice some thought and ended up with bacon, fried left over potatoes, and kimchi. Just what I felt like and it was great. I'm working on some food issues too so this was a good day.

I did pour a glass of wine - probably 6-7 oz. I experienced the taste right off, but no buzz (baclofen working) but continued to sip until there was about half left. Then I picked up the glass, looked at it, and said "do I really want this?" I didn't, so I got up, poured it down the sink and went on with my meal!! The feeling the half glass gave me was not positive - my left ear got red (anyone else have this weird reaction?) and I could feel a slight flush. This was not horrible, but not great either. So it was that slight negative reaction to something I was not enjoying that said to me "well, you don't really want this wine, do you?"

I've become sensitive to this timing. Most of the time now I'm still pouring because of psychological issues, but not really wanting to drink the damn stuff!! Because I'm not ready to go AF (psychological addiction, not physical addiction) I'm going to pour wine when I want to. This is a slow painful process and there is no rush. I'm not into pushing myself in ways that are counter-productive - for me.

With the baclofen I now am able to look at my actions and feelings in a new way. I'm kinda like a lab rat. I can be the researcher and look from outside the cage. What do I taste? Is it good enough to keep drinking it? Does it relax me? Is that what I want right now? Do I still need to have that wine there for psychological comfort and not even need to drink it? How crazy is that?

I expect my nal this week or early next week and I will continue this experiment with it. The baclofen has done wonders for me in all areas but I want the nal to work on the receptors in my brain that it helps so well. Double whammy! But I'm worth it!!

Babs

Hi Babs,

You were always encouraging when I was down and I hope you'll be just as kind to yourself. I echo everything that Ruthy says and wish you well as you continue to battle the demons. You know you can win. Keep us posted on the Nal/Baclofen combo. I'm particularly interested.

Hang in there.
Sheryl

It's been a long time since I updated what's happening with me. Here's a copy of my post over on MWO:

It's been ages since I posted here but not because anything in particular has happened. I'm just lazy and couldn't be bothered to sit down and think through what I wanted to say.

Baclofen:

Still on 80mg divided into 4 doses. It's working very well in that I'm relaxed and nicely dopy still. I am indifferent to alcohol but have not been able to stop pouring every night. That is connected to many things and that's where my concentration is going now.

Side effects are fine, although I noticed when i went from 60mg to 80 mg daily my sleep stopped being great and I wake up often in the night, and very early in the morning. This could be because I'm doing a ton of inner work and dredging up some pretty difficult stuff so can't attribute it all to the bac. Just don't know. The relaxation means though that I can stay in bed even though I'm awake - I drift off again, wake again, drift off - so it's not like before when I was so tense - I'd get up in frustration.

My body is getting used to the bac. I remember how totally relaxed I felt with my first 5mgs!! Now at a higher dose this is still good but not the total body experience it was - or maybe I'm just used to how it feels. Again, because I'm doing lots of dredging I could be tensing up in spite of the bac. It feels like that.

One interesting side effect of the bac is total relaxation in situations that would have been filled with anxiety in the past. I had to drive across the border to pick up a naltrexone shipment. This would have had me panicked in the past. The border guards are NOT warm and friendly - either coming or going. And I wasn't really sure where I was going. When I have lots of anxiety my mind shuts down. Anyway this time I got my map out and used map quest to get directions and away I went. I went over in mid-afternoon too which is unheard of!! Usually the traffic is bad then.

Anyway long story short: I breezed through, found where I wanted to go, did not freak out when speaking to the border guards, found another store I had not been to before, and was home again in 2 hours, safe and sound with my naltrexone!! Thank God for bac!!

Naltrexone:

I started several days ago to take naltrexone .50 mgs an hour before I drink. The first dose kicked me in the butt and I felt very sleepy and dizzy. This was interesting but it did not freak me out - I was expecting it, and I knew what it was going to be like - so I just sat through it and it was ok. I think because of the combo of bac and nal, the nal hit me harder. The extra effect from the nal lasted a few hours and gradually faded. My husband did not notice any difference in my behaviour as I was not staggering or falling asleep. It you keep moving around the sleepy, dopy business goes away until you sit down again - weird! These side effects have abated quite a bit now. (edit for this forum: this is my third try at naltrexone. I've always had good results but that's not the whole story - for me.)

Drinking was not appealing to me at all but I poured anyway. My addiction is not dependent on alcohol - bac and nal are doing their jobs thoroughly, but the 'drive' is driven by needs I have not dealt with. My 'numb-er' happens to be alcohol but I have not developed a way to 'not need to be numbed' yet. It's not the substance it's the drive.

So this is where I sit today:

I'm learning as much as I can about addiction. Gabor Mate, Lance Dodes, Gordon Neufeld and Robert Sapolsky (sp?) are helpful in showing me what's been going on in my head and heart.

I can see where my drive comes from. I can relate the past to the present. I have identified exactly what I need to do in order to behave in a way that meets my criteria for normal. (edit for this forum: girlamsterdam posted recently about this - naltrexone success is only part of the story.)

However, the addictive drive is so strong that I have not been able to 'act.'

There are 6 steps of change:

pre-contemplation,
contemplation,
preparation,
action,
maintenance,
termination.

Each step has to be thoroughly completed before the next step is worked through, and a behaviour changes. These ideas come from:

Changing for Good by James O. Prochaska et al. I'm still in the contemplation stage but I'm coming to the point when actually preparing (step 3) has to be faced.

Even as I sit here in my den, typing these words, I'm getting antsy over the change I want to make this evening! I feel fear, anxiety, self-consciousness, tension - all these make up my particular 'drive' to addictive behaviour.

But I have to repeat, it's only because of baclofen, and naltrexone, giving me the space to think that will make changing possible at all.

That's where I am as of today. Excited that change is possible. Excited that I have new tools to help me get where I want to go. I have the realization that just stopping is not effective for me. Each stage has to be worked through before stopping will work.

Other tools that have helped are: my recognition of traits of adult children of dysfunctional families, traits of adults with ADD, the realization that there are steps involved in successful change that must be addressed rather than 'white knuckling one day at a time,' and the support of friends on-line.

This winter has done a number on me - lots of bad roads, freezing temps and wind, not much sunshine - all make changes harder. I'm stuck in this house!!! But the Cardinals are singing again which means in spite of the weather spring is coming!!

What a great post, DTW. I can really relate to a lot of what you said about drives, dysfunctional families etc.

I read the James O Prochaska book prior to finding TSM and a lot of what he writes about was very helpful for me in framing what 'successful change' looks like. I am glad you are finding it helpful too.

Good luck!

Hi K3510 thanks for your comment.

Last night was another successful 'change' night for me. No alcohol, even though I poured one glass. I want to continue to be exposed to alcohol with my new-found understanding that I don't NEED to drink it. There's no way in heck that alcohol will disappear from my life - DH is not going along with my plans - and that's FINE. He does what he wants and I'm happy with that. His drinking is quite well controlled even though I can see he 'needs' to drink...he's been very down this winter about things personal to him. Unfortunately the changes I'm making in my responses to stress impact him in a negative way. I don't want to hurt him in any way - but this is all about what I must do for myself now.

It's been said so many times that it's boring: The only one you can change is yourself. So true.

What I found last night was my hand wanted to reach out for something to sip while I was preparing dinner, and eating it. So tonight I'll put a glass of something else next to the glass of alcohol. Then I can reach out - 'habit' - but have a good alternative.

I'm going to continue pouring that one glass. If I feel 'deprived' in any way I know I will want to drink it. FOR ME, this is a good strategy. If I find I WANT to drink it I will.

Naltrexone is doing its thing in my brain and I'm really happy to feel that - and along with the baclofen this time I can appreciate the difference. Much less anxiety, no cravings although I do think about it because I'm doing the work, and making sure I don't jump into action too soon, before I've worked through each stage thoroughly.

Now to maintain this new attitude. I'm in the maintenance stage of the change process and that's the most important phase!!
Babs

PS I'm not counting days or units or anything. FOR ME that is not as important as the positive changes I'm making. The AF days will just be normal days, and days that I do drink a glass of something alcoholic will be days I really want one, for a good reason.