5dogs,

I too watched the game sober. I actually remembered what happened and how it ended. Imagine that! What a great game! Not to offend anyone, but I'm sooo happy that the SEC finally lost a national championship game! My plan of action going forward is to go to the gym after the office and spend around 90 minutes there and then head home. My danger zone has always been from around 3:30 ish to about 7:30 ish or just before having dinner. It's odd, but I really never have any desire to drink much after dinner. Maybe it's because I am home and it is more difficult to pull off or the full stomach, I'm not sure. If I can manage to hit the gym then I can get through most of that time frame and as the days start getting longer I can surf after work. I managed another AF day today.

I'm pulling for you and the two AF days. That would be a real accomplishment this week. Those business trips are a big danger zone for me as well. Go easy and don't get too carried away.

Ruthy,

Probably best not to over think things as we head out of the holidays. We tend to be very hard on ourselves and given the time of the year emotions are running high (or maybe low), so take it easy and let yourself adjust a bit. Formulate that plan of attack and make sure that the goals you set are achievable and not too unrealistic. Baby steps might be the order of the day right now. As long as you are making progress then keep at it!

Melissa,


I think you summed up the point I was trying to make about missing out on something in the second paragraph in the quote above. I can rationalize this all I want about how bad alcohol is for me, yet there is still that primate brain driving me to drink. That is what is so frustrating about this! Oh well, it's dinner time.....

5dogs:

When the remorse overtakes the craving thats when TSM is working.

Congratz!

JMS and all,

I've been away from this board for a month + and just wanted to say I'm really enjoying catching up on this thread.

On the weight thing, I'm finally starting to notice that I've lost/am losing weight -- about 20 lbs so far since moving to Portland 2 months ago. True, my appetite isn't fierce, and I've made some dietary changes to lower carbs, plus I'm walking 15 minutes to/from work, but the biggest change has to be the decrease in my wine consumption. Oh, and that I didn't substitute Hagen Daaz or some other sweet to make up for it. Because that got me in big trouble when I was sober for a while, I was up to a pint of the chocolate/peanut butter combo every night. So if I ever get myself motivated enough to be going to the gym a few times a week, I just might be ready for spring/summer and my old clothes!

Cheers and keep up the good work and the great posts!
Sheryl

Sheryl,

I'm new to the forum since you've last been here. Wow, on top of the huge drop in drinks, 20 lbs in 2 months is equally impressive. That's inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

OK, so here is how powerful those voices are for me. Yesterday I had three AF days in a row, was feeling really good and was planning on a fourth, then the best laid plans syndrome hit (some might refer to this as my alcoholism). I went to a yoga class from 5:15 pm to 6:15, and was on my way home by 6:30 ish. So far, so good. Oh, I should probably mention that I decided to by a pint of whiskey before going to the gym (Hmmm.... Perhaps this might be a point of weakness in my AF strategy). That was purchased after a phone call with the war department (I use this term in jest) informing me that she wouldn't be home until later. So the intent was that I wouldn't go to the intended yoga class at said gym and instead go home because I had the house to myself for a while.

Upon leaving the liquor store I was then presented with another obstacle that came in the form of the golden rule. Since I have decided not to violate the golden rule, I had an hour to kill after I bought the whiskey. So, being on this self-improvement kick, I said to myself, "self, you should go the gym because that would be good for you." Now armed with the intention of killing an hour prior to my intended time at home alone I change course again and go.... to the gym. Leaving the gym and feeling great, I had a choice. Go home and have another AF day or.... What choice did I make? You guessed it, I went and bought a 7up and drank half of the pint. ****..... I didn't even make it home to the quiet of my house because of killing the hour at the gym.

In reviewing those moments on my way home prior to that moment of surrender, I have come to the conclusion that I simply caved. Part of the rationale was that I had already taken the pill and I vaguely remember from the book that I shouldn't take the medication and not drink. I know this not to be true, yet I used that for justification. I was engaging in extinction, right! How is it that I can have the discipline to decide to go to the gym, decide not to violate the golden rule, while at the same time not achieve the overall goal of not drinking? In retrospect, it would seem that life would be a hell of a lot easier and free of the "Memento" like plot line above if I simply didn't drink. I am becoming more and more of the opinion that I am going to have to take charge and force the AF days and ignore the concept of drinking when I feel like it. Because I feel like it every flipping day. In some strange sense TSM helped in that I at least went to the gym because of the golden rule (that's pretty twisted logic but I got there) and I didn't drink the whole pint. Work with me here, I'm trying to focus on the positive!

JMS, at least you made it to your yoga class -- I would consider that a success because a) you took the Nal and waited, b) you did do something healthy for yourself, and c) sure, I buy into the rationalization that every drink is one step closer to the cure, so you're that many drinks closer.

I haven't decided what my goals are yet. I'm happy with the progress I'm making on the numbers side, but I continue to hear those voices, too, and I don't even try arguing with them. You've racked up a number of AF days which is great; I've only managed 2 in my first six months of TSM, but again, I haven't really been pushing myself to do so.

I know for myself, the reason I'm still so receptive to hearing those voices and continue to drink nightly, even if only 2-3 glasses which is so much better than a bottle+ of wine, is that there are some looming financial issues that I am simply terrified to face, and will do almost anything, well, anything right now as long as it involves drinking, to get away from the racing thoughts, even if to a much lesser degree than before. I realize the issues aren't going to go away until I face them head on, but I haven't done so yet. That also has everything to do with why I'm waking up at 2 or 3am every morning. Getting by on only 4/5 hours a sleep a night is getting super old.

Gotta run. I'm at work.

Take care.

Writeratlarge,

I have a bit of experience in facing looming financial issues, and getting through them. My efforts were not all that graceful, but I did learn quite a bit about myself and have made some significant changes as a result of those experiences. I lost my business about 18 months ago and ended up in a pretty large pile of doo-doo as a result. The advice I can give you is going to sound a bit trite, but I know it to be true.

The first thing I would suggest is to not let the situation define you. These are very challenging times for a lot of people (or folks, as our President refers to us:)). I certainly had something to do with the situation, but there were also forces larger than I at work of which I had no control over. I spent an inordinate amount of time kicking myself which did absolutely no good for me or anyone else.

In terms of the fear, I can assure you that those are voices and nothing more. I turned the situation over in my head again and again and again and it didn't solve anything. Eventually it became like an endless software loop. All it did was create a tremendous amount of anxiety which fanned the flames of my alcoholism. Looking back, all of the fear was unfounded. I finally faced the challenges head on and got through them. My lifestyle has changed after going through that situation, but instead of focusing on what I lost and what I no longer have, I now choose to wake up each and every day and count my blessings for what I do have. That puts me into a state of gratitude. And that creates an opportunity to be happy, because if I'm not grateful I don't stand a chance at being happy.

Finally, I would tell you to try and live in the moment as much as you can. If you are right here, right now you can't be worrying. That's easier said than done, but it can be done. I spent far too much time projecting into the future (worry) or looking at mistakes that I had made in the past (regret). In doing so I missed out on some pretty important things in the then here and now and did a huge disservice to those that I love the most. I more or less missed my oldest daughter's graduation and turning 18. I was there physically but not mentally and I made an a** out of myself on more than one occasion as a result of drinking. I used alcohol to try and get out of the moment and it didn't work well. She deserved better of me. Today I have regret for that, but I try not to dwell on it. Rather, I chose to learn from that and move forward.

Alcohol is a crutch that collapsed on me. The fall wasn't that great for me, but it was very humiliating and humbling. That is why I want to be rid of alcohol for once and for all. I wish you the best of luck!

Beautiful. Definitely a quotable.

JMS...just a thought on racking up the AF days. Pehapes it gets difficult when you've done a few days in a row because of the alcohol deprivation effect. Instead of going for consecutive AF days, would it help to do one every other day? That way you're still getting extinction, your brain's getting it's alcohol hit which should quiet the cravings and you'll be racking up 3 or 4 AFs per week. As time goes on you could then stretch them to 2AF and 1 nal + drink day. I wonder whether this might help to quiet the voice? You can answer it back..."Yes, I'm going to have a drink and I'll have it tomorrow" and start planning for the next day. When we tell ourselves we can't do something it can sometimes make the voice louder. It also means that you won't see yourself as caving in and getting despondent. Just an idea.

Ruthy,

Thanks for the thoughts. That's the second time you mentioned the alcohol deprivation effect, so maybe I should consider that. I was going to shoot for four days in a row this week, but my wife and I are heading out to the desert for a few days and that probably wasn't going to happen. So maybe today and tomorrow AF, then back on for the next few days and then go AF towards the end of the week. I'll let you know how it goes. Have a great week!