Very well said Firebird!

I think the most important measure of success with TSM is noticing that your life is changing for the better - whether you're drinking or not. I'm just winding down from the constant drinking over the Memorial Day weekend. Are my numbers up? ABSOLUTELY! I drank lots of beer - just like I normallly would, except I didn't get out of control, blackout, or drink first thing in the AM to cure a hangover. I don't hate myself, and my family doesn't hate me. It's a whole new world compared to the day I stumbled upon TSM - February 19th, 2009.

I also think it's important for the newcomers to not get hung up on the numbers. Sometimes I'm not so sure it's a good idea to publish them or examine them too closely. Tracking my drinking has helped me notice some patterns I might not have seen otherwise, but it's definitely not the most important part of this. Like you said, the quality of drinking - the ability to control it - is what matters. It's almost a miracle to me. I'm still not able to classify myself as a "normal" drinker, but I'm getting closer. I still have those times when I go WAY overboard, and I get really disappointed, but I get over it quickly and move on now, because those times aren't the norm anymore.

Things are already so much better, and will probably continue to improve. But even if I don't get any farther, I'd still call this a tremendous success. I have my family back, and they have me back. What could possibly matter more than that? Thank God for Dr. Sinclair, Dr. Eskapa, and all of you for the support. Life is good...

I decided to go to the bar tonight, a decision that preTSM would have cost me probably 50 bucks, a 15 drink hangover, a feeling of total failure, a late start for work tomorrow, and apologies to several of my dear friends. As things stand, I think I'll get off with a self-slap on the wrist and a couple of glasses of water in the morning.

I'd had a glass of wine and a beer (after NAL of course) when I made the decision to hit the bar, and immediately alarm bells started to go off. I wanted to go out, have one shot and one beer, say hi to some friends, and take a walk in the warm, spring breeze. But I have learned all too well that one shot usually means four shots + beers, and saying "hi" often turns into screaming "screw you a-hole" before skulking off into the night to finish a bottle of sour wine by myself in the dark.

But armed with TSM and about 40 bucks, I made my way so pleasantly to the local drinking establishment, all the while thinking, " I think all I need to do is stick to my plan, which is really a pretty good one - a beer and a shot is all I really want right now, and it would be nice to visit with people for a bit." Mind you, I've thought this before and awakened in the morning with my eyeballs nailed to the floor, but this time I had a calm faith that I would stick to the plan, without much effort, and prove that the doubting voice in the back of my head (Mr. Beast) is an idiot after all.

I arrived at the bar, and after a few how-ya-beens I ordered my shot and beer. I had a nice time, idly listening to the conversations, and taking in a bit of "Grease" on the TV, when the bartender asked, "Hey Firebird (not my real name), ya want another shot?" With absolute contentment and surity I answered, " No thanks." and sipped my beer. No stress, no fighting urges, no pretending and no question. I did not want another one.

The bartender asked me no less than four times if I was ready for a refill, and each time I answered "no, thanks" with a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart: it's so cool to see how people react to the new me. I bet she only asks me once next time! After a while, I felt ready to stroll home and, leaving the last few swallow of beer in the can, I hit the head and stepped out into the night to make my way home.

My normal route home involves a lot of back alleys where no one can see me stumble, and there are dark spots to pee if need be. I even know of a couple of "crash spots" where a guy can take a few minutes to get it together before continuing the slow stagger home. The guys who smoke out in back of the grocery store know me well, I am sure, as another efking drunk, as must the nurses who smoke outside the hospital near my apartment.

Tonight I walked down the main street, taking in the sounds, sights, and smells of my active urban neighborhood - the open mic bar, the hipster joint, the bum scene at the bus stop - and I thought to myself, "What a nice place this is when you really take it all in." I picked up some wine, sure, at the 7-11, because I'm not out of the woods yet, but I think I'll be done before too long tonight, and I actually look forward to what tomorrow will bring.

It's easy to get hung up on stats such as "units per week' or "AF nights this month", but what really counts for me is my attitude, and the way it is changing my relationship with alcohol. The power balance is tipping now, for the better, and I actually find that when I do choose to drink, I enjoy it more. That may drive moralists and AA people nuts, but I really don't care. I'm driving the bus now, and the bus is headed for a better place.

Good night all,

Fire

Great post Firebird - good for you!

Firebird, thank you so much for sharing this story - it expresses the essence of the Sinclair experience, and how it feels to be truly recovering from alcohol addiction. I've known for some time now that success isn't measured merely by the lowered intake of alcohol (though there IS that), but by the experience of regaining control over our thinking, feelings, and actions - both when we're drinking, and when we're sober. This started kicking in for me just a few weeks into the program, and I have been gaining more and more clarity as time goes on.

It seems to me that becoming de-addicted is rather like playing a movie backwards. We're going thru the same stages we went thru as we became adddicted. . .only in reverse order. I can clearly recall when I started drinking a bottle of wine each evening. . .but don't so clearly recall when it morphed into two bottles, and sometimes more. Now I never drink more than two bottles, rarely drink that much, and am slowly being reduced to just one bottle again, on most evenings.

I love going out to my favorite bar, having just two glasses of wine, and enjoying clear-headed conversation with my friends. When I do get tipsy, it's no longer a cause of embarrassment and shame. I get a pleasant buzz, and behave myself. I enjoy waking up in the morning with zest for the day - no more daily hangovers, and foggy thinking. That alone is a huge weight off my shoulders! I was getting to be an awful procrastinator. Now, more often than not, I pretty much get through my entire 'to do' list every day b/4 having that first glass of wine.

Now if I could just get de-addicted from this darn Message Board! Guess I'll have to start doing my Nal one hour b/4 opening up my computer. . .

Firebird, what a great post. It really describes the kind of scenes I went through as well. I am so happy for you that you see these changes because that is what it is all about. I am not a big unit counter either because it is the other changes that really suprise me. It is that we don't get into the shitstorm we used to and life just gets better because of that. The drinking subsides on it's own schedule. Then a bunch of other stuff starts to emerge that we never noticed before. Not that there is anything wrong with keeping tabs. I do that too. Thanks for that post and best of continuing success in whatever form the Sinclair method brings it. Best to all!

Woo Hoo, I made it to the two month mark. TSM has, so far, been a remarkable journey in itself. In looking at my drinking chart, I can see that my drinking pattern has evened out over time. I'm drinking on more nights, but I'm drinking less per session. There are some reasons for this that don't have anything to do with TSM. I'm spending more time alone these days, and that's when I tend to drink. But the good news is that I'm doing that in a much more controlled way.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, nights of drinking insanity seem to have become a thing of the past. I'm getting drunk and having a good time, but I'm finding that I have way more lucidity than I used to. I might be drunk, but now at least I know I'm drunk, and I seem to better realise when It's time to keep my mouth shut and let others bellow. Years ago I had to make a hard and fast rule for myself: absolutely no driving after anything more than two drinks. I've kept that rule for years, and it has kept me alive and in one piece. Now I seem to be expanding on that rule naturally to include: no calling exgirlfriends, joining/quitting bands, discussing politics, etc when drunk. I just seem to have more common sense now. (a pill for common sense? Now that's what I call a magic pill

I have noticed another rather curious effect with TSM. As I go back through the stages that got me to this place, I'm experiencing a kind of "age regression" in other areas of my life. Music I used to love if regaining it's magic. Hobbies that I gave up on years ago are starting to look interesting again. (I think I might build a model railroad). I find myself wondering about people I haven't seen in ages. I'm starting to remember thoughts and insights from the past, and old memories, good and bad have come back into my awareness.

It's really a wonderful feeling; it's like adding the person I was to the person I am, and creating the person I will be tomorrow! I don't know if I have ever felt more optimistic.

I think when we are AL-addicted we lie to ourselves all the time about a great many things - how much we drink, how it affects us, how much other people notice, our health, the realistic probability of success in our future. But we are smart, and a part of us always knows that we are lying, and that sets up a very uncomfortable feeling; a feeling that begins to creep into every facet of our lives until we start to lose faith in the goodness of life itself.

For a spiritual person this conflict becomes increasingly difficult to resolve. We trust in God, or the Great Spirit, or the intelligence of the Universe with all of our hearts and intellect, yet we continue to destroy ourselves with alcohol. How can this be? Pulling the addictive thread from our brains feels quite unnerving, but it does leave us with a calm understanding that after the pain and confusion subside, we will gain the ability to weave new threads in a purposeful and constructive way. It is that new ability, I think, that is giving me so much hope.

On that note I'll sign off now, but I want to thank you all for the tremendous support and understanding I have been shown over the past two months. Going4more, Waining2exhale, Potato, KrasyKris, Q, Springerrider, Providence, Bob, Lena, Art, Houtx, Cessation, Happ4once (sorry if I forgot anyone, I keep editing as I remember more) you have all helped me more than I know how to express, and for that I am extremely grateful. With friends like you, I know the next two months will lead me to an even better place than I'm in right now.

Cheers,
Firebird

FIREBIRD

I really love reading others writings. I am more of a visual person in my expressions, so I very much thank it when someone writes the words that I too am feeling.

Yes, the most interesting report for me that seems to be reiterated by many of us in our 3rd month( + - ) is the SOBERNESS we seem to be experiencing.

Although I am unhappy or unsatisfied with my decrease levels, or the stand still I am at, I certainly am much more clear headed and able in my life. Yes, I too, can hold my tongue!

I too, am not emotionally running to the edge of the cliff.

Thanks for the thanks and I too thank you!

SO HERE IS SOME SUNSHINE

Thanks for the sunshine, ART - I am BASKING

Firebird - thank you for posting today...sometimes just taking the time to post our successes, especially the effects on our lives outside of the unit decrease, helps everyone else get through the day. Yours did that for me.

I actually woke up today feeling sad about drinking more than I wanted to last night but also had 2 thoughts this morning which were out of the norm for me and which I was discounting before reading your post: 1...I wanted to download some new music for myself. I haven't done this since having kids and was feeling the need to connect with music again. And 2...I want to start planning something for our garden patch which is really just 'dirt' at this point. So similar to you, some old resurgence of life seems to be peeking through.

Feeling very hopeful for all of us after reading your post. Feels good

And also -- my goodness we have some awfully good writers on this board. Who would have thought a bunch of al-addicts could be so profound?

Firebird, what a great post. This is the same thing I've noticed - while my drinking is down some, I'm still drinking more than I would hope for. BUT, when I drink, the experience is entirely different. I get a buzz, but don't get stupid. I also am much more into old past-times and hobbies. My days are no longer spent in a brain fog.

How cool is that? If Naltrexone had no other effect, I'd take it just for that! (But my drinking IS also down.)