Minor victory tonight. My sister and I have a very strained relationship and basically we haven't spoken for over two years. Something has happened within the family and I knew I would have to phone her to tell her about it. It was not going to be an easy phone call. The voice inside my head said I needed a drink to calm my nerves. I thought about it for a while and then decided against it. I spoke to her and I was stone cold sober. It felt great.

It made me think....maybe I don't need as much "dutch courage" as I've always thought I do.

Hi Ruthy

Good to read your progress .... I've just had a quick look at your thread and wonder if you can advise

I'm in the UK .. (Edinburgh) I was on here from Feb to July .. did wellwith TSM cutting my units from about 60 uk to about 30 ... very pleased ... then DISASTER ... no more NAL I had been ordering from Goldpharma .... very good quick service about £42 for 28 pills .. but they seem to have run out

Needless to say my units have just increased since and I'm back at square 1 ... did I see you got some Nal from Allday? I was a bit unsure about putting my Drs details in their website?

any advise please

I'm putting another post on to get some encouragement ... but would welcome your advise and well doen on your progress so far

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine,
Yes, I had problems too with Goldpharma as they are out of stock of the Revia brand that I was using. I emailed them twice and each time they said that they were awaiting stock but couldn't specify when it would be in. I was running very low on supplies and so eventually I ordered from All Day. I was wary about switching brands as I was doing well on the Revia, but I'm now on the Naltima and haven't noticed any difference. I chose to go to All Day specifically because I wanted Naltima not Nordict as there were some previous posts on here questioning the efficiency of Nordict and I didn't want to take any chances.
The ordering was easy and the pills arrived in a week.I'd read on here about having to put your doctors details onto their website and that it was just for their records and your doctor isn't contacted. So that's what I did and it was all ok. It seems that their credit card processing is often down and you are asked to call them. I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it (I still feel all this ordering on line is a bit cloak and dagger) so I did an online bank transfer which was really easy.I think it worked out at about £97 for 60 tablets inc the postage. I've only done the one order from them so far, but I've been impressed with the service.
I'm glad to see you back on here. I remember reading your posts when I was first on here hungrily soaking up all the info I could before I started out. I hope you can get back with the program. Good luck and let me know how you get on.
Ruth.

Week 11 update
Another mixed week. Some good bits, some bad bits and also a really crappy bit.

The good:
There's been a whole load of emotional stuff going on this week which previously would have sent me running to the arms of my beloved vino, but I was able to choose to react differently to it.
I can feel myself choosing whether to drink or not rather than just responding automatically to the triggers.
I spoke to my sister without a glass of wine in hand which, given the nature of our relationship, is nothing short of a miracle.
I've mostly stuck to no alcohol at lunchtimes.
After a tiring day on Monday I was in the car on the long drive home and told myself I'd have a nice glass of wine to relax when I got in before I started on dinner. When I got home I substituted the wine for a cup of tea instead. I felt just as relaxed...I realised it was the taking time out and sitting down for a while that worked not the wine.
I've switched to a smaller wine glass, which seems to be making a difference.
I had an alcohol free day on Tuesday and although not effortless it wasn't too difficult either.

The Bad:
I've felt quite down and tearful at times this week for no apparent reason which is upsetting.
There's been a lot of bad news come my way this week...2 deaths within my family, a whole load of stress at my husband's work, a very hormonal teenage girl and the passing of our beloved pet cat. All part of life's rich tapestry, but stuff that gets hard to deal with at times.

The Really Crappy:
I'm not quite sure why I'm sharing this here other than I need to get it off my chest, and I like to think that I won't be judged. My husband was away for the night with work. I'd normally drink my way through the evening when he's away but I didn't want to do that. Instead, feeling bored, I decided to play on an online casino. Big Mistake!! Once I started, I couldn't stop. Instead of bingeing on alcohol I binged on slots. I lost a lot of money and felt sick to my stomach by the end of it. Of course I've spent all the time since regretting it, feeling awful and beating myself up about it big time. Why on earth would I do such a stupid thing? I am wondering whether I was chasing the buzz that I'm no longer getting from booze. The endorphin rush? I'm sure I read somewhere else that it's the same type of reward pattern and systems involved in the brain. Has anybody else experinced something similar? I don't know what to make of it but I certainly don't want to repeat it. I feel awful about it and I can't even blame it on the drink as I was only drinking tea. I really don't want to replace one destructive habit with another (although I wouldn't mind adopting an exercise addiction!). I sometimes wonder whether there is such a thing as an addictive personality....I'm truely thankful that I've never tried drugs.

Praying for a calmer week to come.

Week 11 total UK units 27

Hi again Ruth

Thanks for your help re Allday

Sorry you had some bad news ... I think, weighing everything up ... you're doing really well. Its great you're coping with things in a different way now than automatically just reaching for the vino ... well done. I liked the freedom from continuously worrying about drinking/not drinking all day even before I got anywhere near the wine bottle ... and I still have this to a degree (despite the no Nal). Yes... be very pleased your thought patterns are changing and as for your wee slip up regarding the online casino - just chalk it up to experience. You're right ... thank God you didn't take heroin! You won't do it again I'm sure so put away the "beat yourself up" stick and make a few savings here and there next month to make up for the lost cash (hope it wasn't too much)!

I too long to catch that exercise addiction bug! I need to get off the couch!!

I'm off to consider my finances and probably put in an Allday order

I did think the Nal perhaps put me on wee bit of downer sometimes - all the more reason to get exercising and wel done on your AF day ... maybe one or two more AF and the sun will come out again?

Lorraine

Ruthie, I'm so sorry to hear about your family tragedies - any one of those would be major, but the sum of them is truly daunting.

You've handled it amazingly well, even getting an AF night in there so kudos there!

On feeling down and weepy - you've got plenty of reasons, and cutting down on alcohol can also make us irritated and even more sensitive.

As to turning to the online casino, I totally understand that, and yes, I do think it's natural that we're looking for a buzz replacement. For me it's online shopping, which I rationalize because I also sell online. But I'm afraid to add up the purchases vs. sales because I suspect I'd be in the red. Not be too much, but still... Being the winner of an auction is very much like gambling, because I'm betting that I'll be able to flip the Tiffany diamond ring or Georg Jensen sterling flatware and make a profit!

So please don't be too hard on yourself; if you'd been drinking, you no doubt would have lost a lot more!

I better go list some stuff on eBay ...
Sheryl

Lorraine and Sheryl,
Thank you both for your understanding and words of encouragement....it really meant a lot to me.
I guess there are just times when I question why I do the things I do. Sometimes, even though I know deep down what the outcome will be I still go ahead and act in ways that are self defeating. I've gambled and lost a few times before, so I really shouldn't have been surprised at how it turned out. I know that if I eat badly I'll feel sluggish and crappy and yet I still do it. I know that if I sit around watching TV instead of doing something more productive I'll feel lethargic and bored and yet I'm plonked on the sofa most nights. If I overdo it on the cookies I'll feel sick and bloated and yet at times I still munch through a whole pack. Why can't I learn from my mistakes? I say I want to live a healthy, full, vibrant life and yet at times I'm my own worst enemy. I sometimes think I need a rocket up my bum to make me change!!

On the positive side, I would normally be listing drinking in with the above and yet that is something that really does feel like it's changing.I was away with hubbie for a romantic weekend and we went out to a show and for a couple of dinners. I realised that my level of drinking when I'm out at social occassions/functions is now at a "normal" level. I've reached the point for nights out that I originally wanted to get to when I started TSM...hooray! At the show I had one drink in the bar before it started and then we shared a bottle of wine with our meal. The next day we went for dinner and I had two small glasses of wine. This was the same amount as my Husband (and he's a very low level drinker). I wasn't trying to be "good"...it was simply that was all I wanted. It felt very natural not to want anymore...and that felt pretty darned fantastic!

Hope you're all having a good week. Nal on!

Ruth.

This is wonderful! We all have setbacks and bad days, but experiences like the one you describe are HUGE. My experiences like that have given me the drive to keep going. I hope they do the same for you. Keep at it!

Thanks, Coop. It's always good to get encouragement.

Week 12 update

I've had a good week...nothing major to report. My mood is still a little bit up and down, but I'm not going to let it worry me too much. It could be the Nal, the drink, the lack of drink...who knows? I've decided not to overthink it as that makes me feel worse.

I'm very happy with the realisation that my drinking is where I want it to be on nights out.I haven't been really drunk since starting TSM and I'm much less worried that I'll make a fool of myself when I go out. I've got a night out with the girls on Saturday so I'll be putting it to the test, but I feel confident that a shared bottle of wine will be enough. My main priority now is to reduce the daily drinking at home. Again, I'm not going to overthink it. My numbers are coming down and the lunchtime vino is virtually a thing of the past, so I'm just going to keep with the program and see what life brings.

Hope you're all doing well.

Week 12 total UK units 25

Hi Ruthy

As said already ... fantastic progress - so good you can enjoy a night with your other half and just have a couple of glasses ... very well done!

Reading your posts takes me back a bit to where I was ... and where I'd like to be again ... I've managed 2 AF this week (still not got any Nal yet) but reading back on the forum has helped and when I get paid I'll be ordering I think!! Someone kindly sent me a message to say gold pharma are back in stock . . hooray bit cheaper than allday and I didn't want to fill in Drs details ...

Its funny how the change in our thoughts is subtle ... so it is good to be able to look back and read back at your own posts to see how far you've come ... glad its going so well for you

Lorraine