Well, folks, this is it. Today is the end of my 8th month since starting TSM and I'm ready to move on. This time last year, I was drinking heavily every night off, frequently crawling back in bed after doing the morning household tasks, having sexual performance problems bad enough I thought I would need to see a urologist, regularly driving drunk and hoping to God I didn't get a DUI, unable to work out hardly at all, constantly sneaking around on my wife, constantly hiding things and "covering my tracks," barely able to hold conversations with my kids and generally being an absent "zombie dad" while around the house, expecting an early death and being resigned to that fact, etc... You get the picture.

This website has been important to me. There's a lot of interesting stuff on here and it's always voyeuristic fun to peer into people's misery and drama. I enjoyed becoming the "resident expert" on TSM (at least the one that actually reads and responds), and I've gained so much in trying to explain things and encourage others in their "journey." But, honestly, I'm bored with it all. I have to really try to conjure up the memories from just last year, since things have so radically changed for me. I suppose with AA, it's "one day at a time" and you can keep the memories of being a drunk alive for years, since the thought is always there in your head. But, if one is truly "cured," the drama eventually fades and life moves on.

I've moved on to different interests now and have really been making great strides in being a better husband and father. That's where the drama is at for me right now, but none of what I'm doing now would have been possible this time last year. Alcohol addiction is a giant life-suck that prevents growth in all sorts of areas. My wife and I had some intense recent turmoil related to the (unspoken) anger and resentment that she had regarding my years of secret drinking. So, while my liver and criminal record are "clean," the damage that the addiction caused for us is real and will take time (and continued success on my part) before it's truly behind me. My wife, partly in anger, told me that when I took the kids out of town a few weeks ago, she bought a bottle of vodka to get drunk, just so she could do something bad and hide it from me, just as I hid things from her for nearly a decade. She only finished "half a screwdriver" and went to bed. I'm sorry, but that's so sweet, funny, and adorable (NOT what she was going for, ha ha) that it makes me really appreciate my wife even more. Her "revenge" on my years of sin and crime is such an innocent stab at my monstrous behavior. (Yes, I still hold that there is at least some moral failure with alcoholism).

Regarding TSM, I haven't hid the fact that I have drank without Naltrexone for nearly three months now, only using it about once a month. I think I actually have an aversion to it after a couple of bad experiences (plus, I hate taking meds). I could never have achieved what I have without Naltrexone. It simply never would have happened, and if I hadn't happened onto a youtube video about Naltrexone therapy, I would still be addicted today, still "trying to cut down" or quit. Who knows, I may even be dead by now. My case is interesting, though, as I didn't really experience a traditional "cure" through "many drinking sessions." I don't know how to put this scientifically, but my addiction was powerful but easy and quick to overcome. Naltrexone "snapped" the thin cord that was making me return to the bottle again and again, despite my desire to quit. Buena Vista had a similar experience, whereby he was able to completely change his relationship to alcohol within a short week or two. For me, three nights and I was never the same. I probably could have stopped taking the pill then and be right where I am today.

Chalk it up to dumb luck, or to grace, or to character, or to my situation and resources -- it doesn't matter the source, the result is the same. Yes, there are some who have come onto this site in the past 8 months that will surely die prematurely from alcoholism. We're like thousands of people hurtling through the atmosphere, ever-accellerating towards an ugly death. Some of us are given parachutes so we have a chance. Some get the parachute and choose not to open it. Some desperately want the parachute to open but it doesn't, so they're doomed just the same. For others, the parachute opens and their dramatic hurtling-towards-death abruptly ends. Relieved, they land on earth, and move on. Yes, the survivors will one day die, too, it will just be a few years later, and the years they have left will be much sweeter and happier!

If there's one thing that has driven me crazy on this website, it's the way so many people really, really, really want TSM to work but they just keep on drinking and drinking. "My numbers aren't coming down" is probably the most frequent phrase on this forum!! This dichotomy between "what I desperately want" and "what I actually do" lies at the heart of why addiction is so infuriating, especially to the loved ones who watch on in horror as we hurl towards death. So, my parting advice is, STOP DRINKING SO MUCH! Spoken like a true EX-addict!!!

My best wishes to you. If you're trapped by alcohol or know someone who is, try the Sinclair Method. It worked for me!!

I'm sabotaging this account, and don't plan on checking back here.

If you want to contact me, I'm still at barrybrockelman@yahoo.com

Hey Barry

Good to hear how your life has changed. I too started to forget where I'd been, the drinking memories faded but I chose to reignite them just to get my current life into perspective - because I just got far to serious and wasn't giving myself the recognition I deserved, and was being far, far too hard on myself.

There's lots to resolve when you do break that addiction and I truly hope you never become readdicted again. Personally this is why I chose AF, no meds to take and no worry will it return.

I partly agree with your closing statement, I know I had to make extra efforts to put in AF time/restrict my drinking with TSM. I get really fed up of people saying TSM is a reason to drink or a way to moderate. It's a way to solve a serious issue. I didn't want to drink but was prepared to do ANYTHING to sort my problem with alcohol. Naltrexone doesn't do the work for you, it removes the physical dependency, you have to do the remainder.

Best Wishes Barry!

I also feel like Nal broke my relationship with alcohol rather quickly, I've been adding the AF's without effort. I will always have Nal by my side and will follow the rule to the letter. I think it's too early for me to declare anything other than I feel change coming on.

Who would have ever thunk!

Last night my wife meet the girls for dinner/drinks. I stayed up waiting for her to come home and i felt the worry/helplessness when the door did not open at 9pm. Wow I put her through that for years - what a dick!

Rich

Good luck barryb. I appreciate your feedback on here. Take care.

I just checked in today to find this terrific post by Barry. He said what I sort of said several times in a round about way, but did not have the courage to say so blatantly: just put the damn glass down and go to bed. Stop drinking that last one. Naltrexone works. It really does work. It is subtle but you gotta watch for the signals and take instant advantage of them. This is NOT rocket science. If you feel an AF moment, don't drink for extinction. Take the AF day for heaven sake. And build on that day for more.

Enough. Good for Barry.
Babs.