UKB - I'm going to be switching to a different antipressant, and hope to get my units down by being a bit more firm with myself, so the combination of less drinking will help the depression overall. My depression took a nosedive before I started the Nal, and I'm hoping the benefits of decreased cravings (starting to happen) outweigh that the Nal may also be contributing to the depression itself, if that's what you meant?

DTW- I appreciate your empathy. It was a bit rough, but I'm feeling optimistic this week. Because:

A) Stuck to 1 bottle of wine yesterday and nursed that from 3:30pm til 10:30pm! Unheard of- I could easily guzzle a bottle in a 2 hours before, and I didn't go out for reinforcements. Spent the better part of the day/night reading forums here and MWO
B) Slept a nice solid 7 hours
C) Didn't wake up hungover
D) Weather has cooled off, high of 82 instead of 90s
E) My 19-yr old son is staying a few extra days

Goals this week:

- Reduce units by at least 20%, to 52. I'm going to aim for no more than 1 bottle a day but leaving myself a comfort zone...
- Get back to exercising daily. I made a good start last week with 3 days, then hangovers took the wind out of those sails.
- Read 1 book for pure pleasure, ie not recovery related. I have several stacked up.
- 1 small project daily, cleaning out a closet, etc.
- Practice being grateful that I've taken this opportunity to take drastic measures - it's only my life at stake!

Hope you all and everyone else have a great week!

Today and yesterday did not go as planned. Yesterday I started drinking about 3:30 and that bottle of wine lasted all through dinner and a movie (Tarrantino's Django - really good but quel bloodshed) with my son, or to about 9:30pm. Pretty good for me.

So why didn't I just call it a night and go to bed? No, I wanted just one more glass, so opened another bottle and drank 4 more glasses. Went to sleep about 11:30, woke up at 5:00 am and really wanted to go back to sleep, so drank the last of the wine, took 2 tryptophan pills, sone melotonin, 1 OTC sleep aid, and went back to bed, dozing in and out. When I finally looked at my watch, it was 3:oo pm! I felt well-rested, yes, and not too bad other than a little disoriented.

I hadn't really been out of the house since my Dr. appt. last Thursday, so I left about 6pm and took a drive up the mountain to our local ski resort just to take in the view. Before I left the house I took my Nal, and once I was up there and an hour had passed, I opened a bottle of white wine and drank just one glass then headed home.

I made a panini when I got back home and am still sipping my 2nd glass of wine, so all in all, though it was a bit of a wasted day and nothing to brag about, it's also no where near my usual 9-10 units. So I'll choose to call that minor progress.

...the best laid plans eh?

happens to me too, writer. But you are so aware and that's what counts I think. And you made progress to boot.

How the heck you can drink and then lay back down to sleep has me amazed! I'd be up rummaging around for the Tums myself. Old age creeping up I guess.

How nice you had your son for a while. I have not seen mine for a year. We used to be so close when he was a teen but now he's a semi-bigshot in the big city and posts my birthday greetings on his Facebook page!!! But I guess that is reality, and has to be faced - without using this sadness as an excuse to drink.

Keep up the good work
Babs

DTW, well, even when my son is home I hardly see him, he's either seeing friends or on his computer, but yes it's still nice to have him around.

Last night, a first, small victory: I nursed a single bottle of wine from 5:30pm -11pm. (That's a long time for me! - before I could easily polish off 1 bottle in 2 hours.) It really wasn't doing much for me, it was more like I was drinking out of habit. And I did drink glasses of water in between as someone had suggested.

I was watching the movie The Avengers and was pretty bored by the end, but usually I'd keep watching anyway. And finish the bottle, of course. Instead, I thought, why not just go to bed? And NOT drink that last glass in the bottle? And that's what I did!

Which made yesterday a 4-unit day for me. First in a month. I've had a few 5s but mostly still up around 9-10, so I feel really encouraged that it's starting to work for me. If I can maintain that pace this week I'll be looking at a more than 20% decrease in consumption compared to last week, and I'd be very pleased with that.

It was great to wake up without a hangover and enjoy a couple of cups of coffee.

We have to let the Nal do its job but we also have to be willing to pay attention and do a little bit of work ourselves. Something new for me.

I'm going to try and not let myself get morose and wallow in self-pity today. My son leaves, and our big-deal music festival starts in our little town, bringing in tons of people. I will not, be going this year, though I will hear some if it from my house. It makes me a little sad/lonely that I can't go out and enjoy a social activity like that right now, due to the depression, drinking, homeboundness, BF break-up - I still don't want to see or be seen. And I would know dozens of people there. But by thinking it through early today, I'm preparing myself and won't allow myself to drift into despair. Maybe I'll go out to a movie or go see a friend.

August is going to be a much better month. I feel sure of it.

Wherein she starts Week 5 and makes a startling confession. Well not so startling, perhaps; she is an alcoholic after all.

So I start Week 5 feeling very encouraged, having finally experienced a significant drop in my units, from 70-105 pre-TSM to just 40 this past week. On only 3 days did I exceed 1 bottle of wine; this is huge progress for me, and at no point was I wrestling with any overwhelming urges, though I did force myself to be more aware, and for the most part still began drinking around "happy hour," but would surprise myself by nursing that same bottle for 4-5 hours. Or taking the Nal and then waiting 2 hours instead of watching the clock til that one hour ticked by. And it hadn't been the easiest of weeks. Still dealing with financial concerns, my son departed after a three-week visit, a birthday (yechh), post break-up drama, etc. etc. Any one of which would have sent me escaping into the bottle before.

The not-so-startling confession

A few weeks ago, when I was still consuming close to two bottles of wine a day, I got really tired of thinking about my wine supply all the time. Did I have enough to get through the day? Was I at risk if I drove somewhere to get another bottle? Which gas station/drive-through did I go to last? Could I even muster the energy to make myself presentable enough to go to the grocery store and buy things I didn't really need just to have other items in the cart besides the 6-pack wine carrier (to get the extra10% off)?

So I started looking around online, and found a site that rated wine clubs. I promptly signed up for the two top-rated ones, because the introductory offers were for 12 and 14 bottles of wine, which worked out to between $6.43-$7.50/per bottle, delivered to my door! The next shipments (in 3 months) are much more expensive, of course, but I plan on cancelling prior to that as there was no obligation to purchase more, but they do ship automatically if you don't cancel or delay that quarter's selection. So now I have a lovely assortment of wines that I can actually enjoy (much as the Nal lets me, that is.) And for the same price or less as the convenience store "varietals."

I know, I know, loading up on inventory - isn't that a bit too tempting for the hard-core alcoholic? Possibly. But what I find miraculous, is that the arrival of these cases was at the beginning of my best week yet. And I don't want lack of availability or access to alcohol to define my progress; I want it to be my decision not to open that 2nd bottle of wine. And so far, that's going well, and I've removed at least one recurring alcoholic thought pattern from my mind...where's that next bottle coming from? Twisted logic, perhaps, as only the alcoholic mind, or at least this alcoholic mind, can conjure up.

This week's goals
- daily consumption of no more than 4-5 units, for weekly total of 28-35 units
- get back on the exercise track and clear out a place for that yoga mat I bought but have as yet not unrolled
- work on my portfolio so I can start putting myself out there again for freelance work
- list a bunch of stuff in eBay
- Participate in Oprah's 21-day meditation challenge (need to add some kind of internal element)

Hope everyone's off to a great start to the week!
Cheers!

That's a fantastic progress update. Sounds like you're doing really well and the method is working for you. Being able to nurse a bottle for 4 or 5 hours is impressive and shows how far you've come.
Good luck with this weeks goals.
Ruth.

Hey, writer, getting in a good supply of decent wine is a fine idea. I did the same thing and I must admit I'm making a dent in it too! Nothing wrong with it - the fact that you feel a tad guilty is the old alcoholic brain kicking in for sure But that's us eh?

But as you said one less moment of "S__t!" do I have enough? PANIC!! I haven't showered for days!! I can't go out looking like this! What should I do! Put on a ball hat, dark glasses, a big shirt and hope no one sees me.... Now you can leave the rest of the bottle, and of the good stuff, 'cause Nal's doing its thing and be at peace with the world

good for you.
Babs

So funny...you got me to a T, with the exception of the ball cap; they just don't work on me.

So last night, I experienced a different twist of this syndrome. I am enthused about a new fitness app on my iPad with hundreds of classes available and I did my first workout, finishing about 6:30pm. In fact I had taken my Nal about 5pm but chose the class over a glass! Progress, yes, but only to a point, because after, and I was breathing heavy and worn out, I still opened a bottle of wine... to celebrate doing the workout? Out of habit? I don't know. I was still all sweaty even.

Well then I remembered I hadn't gone to the grocery and desperately needed... MILK! And I had not much in the way of food for dinner. It occurred to me that even in my sweaty, disheveled state I could a) order Thai takeout, b) don the sunglasses and go through the drive through that I previously had only frequented for daily wine runs and get the milk (for nearly double grocery store price but at least I got to remain incognito), c) run in and pick up my Thai food and hopefully not be seen.

That's exactly what I did, And then settled in on the couch with a few episodes of Dr. Who, ended up staying up too late, and finishing that bottle, then opening another and having one more glass. I'm going to have to push myself a little harder and be more aware of whether I really want that extra drink or two. Because I didn't last night - really think about it. Nor was I particularly craving it. It felt like I was drinking more the "old way" instead of hearing/listening to the Nal voice. Maybe there's an app for analyzing your drinking cravings!

I know it's not necessarily a smooth or straight trajectory, and the consumption will continue to decline if just let it. I also will ask my Dr. about the Prozac; I wonder if it's at cross purposes with the nal? Because I've only been on it a few days but I notice I'm not feeling the indifference to the wine as much - and I'm still following the 1-hr rule diligently.

Still, 6-7 units beats 10-12, right? I remain hopeful and optimistic.

Funny yourself Somehow I got mixed up and thought you were using your iPhone to do your workout!! I'm an old cus and not very computer savvy as you can tell - I envisioned you peering into this tiny screen, holding it up to your eyes with one hand, while you flailed about with your other hand and legs Who's drunk here anyway

This whole drinking thing sometimes takes on a life of its own eh? I sure wish I were rid of the thinking, and planning, and taking pills, and then the drinking, and "how much" and all the rest. Life is too short.

But you sound like you are beginning to leave all the hiding and depression and loneliness behind, Writer. And more funny stuff coming out is wonderful.

About the indifference - it's the oddest thing isn't? I guess we have to grab hold of it and see if we can make it work for us instead of just looking at it and drinking through it. I still find that scary though and I know you do too.

And, Writer, yeah, 6-7 units sure does beat 10-12 all righty.
Babs.

Babs, haha, yah, watching that teeny tiny screen would be hard

I ditched cable TV more than a year ago. Bought an AppleTV "box" and can watch Netflix or rent from iTunes, and also have access to HBO-GO thanks to my new kind and generous friend. So I've been binging on season 3 of Game of Thrones. The new fitness app streams from my iPad to the TV with "mirror AppleTV" if that makes any sense. It's really quite brilliant and cost-effective. I "subscribe" to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart so that tells you which way I lean.

To be honest from the addiction front: I saw my Dr. yesterday, and I relayed my concern that adding Prozac to the mix might be helping my mood, but seemed to be negating the effects of the Nal. I felt such progress last week, feeing more indifference while drinking, but this week my old patterns returned, and I feel less resistant, feel the wine buzz again, the hand just wants to keep pouring that next glass. So we agreed, stop the Prozac immediately and let the Nal do its job without any additional chemical interference. When the drinking comes down, I'll feel better anyway, and we can readdress the depression issue.

Yesterday wasn't great; I started drinking about noon b/c of the hangover. Today about the same. Hoping to go take a nap now vs drinking thru the afternoon. So not pleased, but not going to beat myself up either. It is what it is.