Cindy,

For me, the depression and anxiety definitely came first, and the sense of isolation/disconnection from others. I drink to numb myself from despair, bleakness, self-recrimination. Of course, I end up feeling worse about myself after drinking.... The self-medication then results in the need to medicate.

I've managed to isolate myself and empty my life of just about everything but my job, a few friends (who are still loyal but getting pretty tired of me always being a depressed mess), my mother, and my dogs.

I don't really enjoy anything. I (usually) don't consider suicide, and have not had "a plan" since I was a teenager, although sometimes I would like to just not wake up.

I'm ready for the gray and dreary Pac NW fall and winter weather to return, so at least it matches my mood!

As you can tell, I am not a fun person. But, I have cut my units in half since starting TSM and this week so far have kept in the single digits. Progress. I have been faithful to taking the Nal an hour ahead, other than twice in eight weeks. Have been pretty much on a plateau since starting, with a slight reduction in the last few weeks.

I resist feeling hopeless about life. So, that's why I named my thread "feeling hopeful". And I am, somewhat. At least I have a plan and a sort-of support system here, and if I do achieve a cure I know I'll feel better about myself and function better in my life.

My current plan is to add an exercise plan to the mix, to see if increasing my physical vitality helps. It's just so hard to get going. Bit by bit.

Mer

Mer, pardon the interruption.

MsCindy,

I read somewhere that at least 25% of alcoholics suffer from clinical depression, which wouldn't surprise me.

For me, I started drinking at 16, but really drinking almost daily a few years later in college to relieve social anxiety and then even more in my early 20s. By then it was the early 80s in San Francisco and I was busy partying like it was 1999 while balancing an aggressive career path and misadventures in motorcycling. I didn't register the depression then. I quit drinking to save a relationship and married him; went the AA route in 1989 for what turned out to be a 14-year stretch...the depression kicked in after I had my son, first post-partum (not that I had visions of slinging him against the wall, mind you, I just couldn't find joy in anything, cried all the time, couldn't think, the world was very small and dark...but you know what I mean.)

On Zoloft I got immediately got better, and when I thought I was "cured" I would go off my meds, only to sink again months later. After the second time this happened, by now on Wellbutrin, I realized I would be on ADs prolly the rest of my life. The end of that 14-yr stretch of sobriety coincided with the realization that my 2nd marriage (yes, I'm skipping a few chapters) was also going to end in divorce, and I chose to lubricate myself to get through it. I upended my world, took a new job in a promising, creative field, and moved from Laguna Beach, Calif. sans husband #2 with my then 10-yr old son to northern Idaho - so we're practically neighbors!

That was a little over 8 years ago, and and I've been either drinking hard and consistently (which you can get away with here - everyone's a heavy drinker it seems, so I fit right in!) or not drinking at all ever since, anywhere from a few months AF to over a year this last attempt, when a perfect storm of mega-work stress and my 5-year relationship ending in June put me too close to f&#k-it range. And I willingly ignited the flame again.

I had only relapsed for a couple of weeks when I sought help from the Dr. (in Rathdrum of all places) who oversaw my last outpatient detox/withdrawal. It was he who suggested TSM, since my numerous attempts at abstinence these past 8+ years had always ended in drinking again. So here I am. In my 4th week on Naltrexone, and making progress with TSM, slowly but surely.

We'll have to talk. I'm glad to know you're relatively close by.

Hang in there. Life will get better.

Mer,

I truly believe it is the alcoholism that makes us such a mess. I am confident that when I get that under control I can tackle other issues in my life. From what I have read and heard many of us drink for the same reasons......numbness and escape because reality for us just sucks. And you are not alone.....isolation is another thing many of us have in common.

I have acquaintances at church, but would never allow any of them to get close to me for fear they would discover my deep, dark, alcohol secret. It has been this way for many years. I am also miserable and not a fun person, but I try my best to hide that when I'm around others. In truth, I feel so bad physically that I have a hard time getting out of bed, much less doing anything constructive. To "normal" people it appears that I am just lazy and good for nothing. Unless you have personally struggled with addiction, I think it is impossible to understand.

Continue to fight that hopeless feeling. For me, I had to find reasons to live. I found that in my children although I only have them 1/2 the time. I am totally miserable when they are with their Dad, but I am trying to really work on myself and my problems while they are away.

You sound very much like me in that I only have my mother (who lives in another state and doesn't understand addiction) my two dachshunds, and 2 parrots. We do isolate, don't we?

Please don't label yourself as "not a fun person". You are ill right now, as we all are. Once we get this monkey off of our backs and can function as normal people we will find joy again. I truly believe this. It keeps me going. And I know for a fact that exercise helps a ton, but it is so hard to get motivated when you feel like crap all the time. We will get there.

And super congrats on your progress! Wow, you have cut your consumption in half? Keep it up, you are doing great.

Where exactly are you at in the Pac NW? You might be close to me


Hi Writer,

Yes, I have heard stats even higher than 25%. They call it "dual diagnosis"......people with addictions and psychological problems. Most of us started drinking to self-medicate.

I remember my first drink, I was 13, and my stepfather (alcoholic) took me into a bar with his buddies from work. Back then, they would let you drink if your parent was with you. I looked a lot older than I was anyway. But I remember the feeling that came over me after drinking. I wasn't self-conscious anymore, could hold conversations with adults, and really enjoyed the attention I was getting from all the men. That really stuck with me and I started drinking regularly a few years later. It seemed to make all of my problems disintegrate. Little did I know that I would end up where I am now so many years later. I have been married and divorced 4 times. I always thought that if I found the right partner all of my problems would be solved. The alcohol issue and depression would cease to exist. What a fantasy world I was living in.....who could put up with a partner who was exhausted, miserable, and a mean drunk? I now realize that it is on ME to change.

I am absolutely amazed that you were sober for 14 years, I just can't imagine that. Every time I have tried to quit it has just been misery heaped upon more misery. I bet San Francisco was quite the party environment. I lived in the Vallejo/Fairfield area for quite a few years.

And I can totally relate to the post-partum depression thing. I was totally miserable throughout my first pregnancy and even more so after he was born. I can't believe that I went on to have 2 more children (even though I'm very glad I did

I have tried Wellbutrin, but it made me jittery. I've had pretty good luck with Zoloft and Mirtazepine, but know that no antidepressent is going to work that well when I keep drinking a depressant every night. I am so ready for a change and I can feel the Nal working already. However, I am starting to get to that point where I want to drink more than I usually do to get that buzz. I know this is normal so I just have to keep myself from getting discouraged. This forum helps me so much.

You hang in there sister and keep taking that Nal!

Talk Soon,
Cindy

I'm right with you, Mer. We finally had 2 days of rain and genuine thunderstorms, but now back to full-on, relentless sunshine. I had to go out in it today to drop off my son, and it felt so surreal. At least the temps stayed relatively mild.

Re exercise, I'm gearing up for that as well. My new yoga mat arrived, and I'm going to see what apps I can find. Plus am determined to ride my bike. Just not up to it today.

I'm finally seeing/feeling a dip in my numbers this week. so yes, feeling hopeful as well.

Hope you're doing OK this weekend.

Wow 14 years, impressive.

I am never sure whether the alcohol causes depression, or the other way around. I know I suffered crippling depression post binge pre TSM, then that lifted as my units reduced. More recently it's a result of a few different things including, I think the combination of nal and alcohol - hence my decision to remove them from my life. Well the alcohol first then see if I can stop the nal by controlling my eating!

I was diagnosed 14 years ago with clinical depression but can never be sure with that because it did coincide with an increase in my alcohol consumption, and I eventually took myself off Prozac when I realised alcohol was well and truly overriding whatever benefit I would be getting from it.

Well, we seem to have a bunch of gals here with a lot in common. I was sober for 8 years before I met my present husband and while we dated at first I didn't drink while he did heavily - I was "in love" so didn't think much of this. Then New Year's Eve 2000 we took a midnight 10K run up a local hill to see the fire works, with a bottle of champagne and some treats in our backpacks - of course I had to have a glass, and that was the start of my present troubles. He became Mr. #3 and I have been drinking ever since that night. Not a whole lot and with only a dozen or so bad nights but I've only had several AF periods of a few months in 13 years. Even a small amount that you can't stop is a ball and chain

And depression? Well me too. I have rapid cycle depression. I can be down so low I just want to end it all, then for a few weeks I'm just flying. Then down, maybe not too far down, but down. Then up, then down. I manage this pretty well and not with drugs - prayer, very low-carb eating, and now with lots of walks and sunshine. I have tried drugs in the past but react badly so just struggle along. I can often get nasty when I drink, or I can get sleepy, or silly, or teary, but I want to be in control - which is what I'm NOT.

As well now I'm actually DOING THE WORK I've been putting off for years. I mean speaking up for myself, doing stuff around the house that I want to do, to make it the home I can love. Being assertive not aggressive. Letting my anger be heard when appropriate, rather than stuffing it and then blowing up. Trying to find out who the heck I am: am I Daddy's daughter? Or Husband's wife? Or am I ME?

I have made some terrible choices over the years and it sounds like you gals know what that's all about. Right now my depression seems to be leaving me somewhat. As to that: I have found getting OUT in the fresh air and sunshine is very important. I would NEVER have done this if I was not FORCED to do it. But having my daughter's little dog sort of pushed on me and the fact that I just have to walk her so many times a day is what's doing it.

Before I would hide just like you all!!!! My advice on that score is FORCE yourself to get OUT. Don't wait until you are sober. It's gotta be the other way around. The good feeling from exercise and eating right and most important sunshine has to come first, in my opinion - that will lead to wanting, and being able, to let TSM work it's magic.

Anyway, sorry for the thread-jack!!! Babs

Mer,

Check in please - are you OK?

I'm still here. Still on the program. I was a bit disrupted by the minor highjacks of my thread, but decided not to dwell. Who am I to judge?

The last few days have been really hard because my 80-year-old mother shattered her left wrist and right knee (making recovery WAY more difficult) while 700 miles away to visit/help her older sister who'd broken her hip.... So, she's stuck there in hospital/rehab, and I can't be there for her. It will be at least another week before she can fly home, and then there will be issues about whether she should go home or to local rehab. I'm terribly afraid that she will be disabled by this, based on the severity and type of the injuries and the amount of pain she's experiencing.

Oh well. My drinking has been a bit up since learning about her fall on Sunday afternoon, but still below pre-TSM levels. 37 units last week (ending Sunday)! Previous low, 41. I expect it will be up a bit this week.... Oh well.

Thanks for caring, Writer!

Thanks for checking in, Mer.

So sorry to hear about your mother. I know so many people who are tapped with caring for their parents, which for 'normal' people is issue enough, but when we're just barely scraping by trying to take care of ourselves; well, suffice to say kudos to you for being there for her, even if from afar, and for hanging with the program. I think a few extra drinks here or there are to be expected, and like you said, no where near your pre-TSM days.

Take care.

Writer,

My mother has taken care of me a lot more than I've taken care of her (I've had several serious health conditions since 2006), so she has credits stored up. It is hard when I'm barely able to get out of bed and go to work. We had a status conference today with her nurse, PT, and social worker, and have a plan that seems feasible and fairly concrete, so I'm feeling more stable and pragmatic. I'm arranging time off work as needed to help her, plus I can work at home part of the time. Maybe it will be a good opportunity to get out of feeling sorry for myself...

I drank more last week, but not as much as I feared I would. Yesterday, I drank most of the day, although wine, and slowly, and I felt no effect, not even a good-old fuzzing out "high". I wasn't enjoying the taste either (cheap wine and a few beers), but I kept on drinking. Duh.

I decided to try an AF day today, and I have succeeded (unless I get a crazed urge to drink before bedtime at 10). So far it has been easy, with a few thoughts of drinking, but no craving. Hooray!

I'm shooting for another AF day tomorrow.

The Wellbutrin seems to be helping. My doc prescribed it at a fairly low dose SR, timing it the way they use it for nicotine withdrawal, one in the morning and one in the mid-late afternoon. It might be helping with the craving. Started 7/22, so that would be about when it should be taking effect. So, progress! Feeling more hopeful again.

Thanks for your support! I'll try to check in on your thread tomorrow. Hope you and the others are all hanging in there.