Hi

I am new here and would like to share my experience with alcohol and my new journey towards a cure.
I really hope Naltrexone works and that it is successful and then pass the hope on to others.

Alcohol has been my best friend ever since my alcoholic Husband died, leaving me with 2 young children. I started drinking then, and I have been drinking at least 1 bottle a day of sherry or port ( fortified wine) for the past 15 years. I can function just fine and even drive the car every day way above the legal level. I have never had an accident and never been caught. I've managed to raise two kids on my own. I flew under the radar.
However, since my mother tried to commit suicide in front of me on christmas morning, 2 years ago, something inside seems to have snapped. I am a terrible out of control alcoholic. It started off once a month but now its as frequent as each fortnight I end up loosing myself. It is like a demon takes over. The smallest thing can set me off. I go into this really dark despairing world and I shout, scream, harm myself and smash stuff. My bender can last 2-3 days. I easily drink 4-5 litres and stay awake ranting at the world. I do not pass out, but eventually sleep has to occur. I see dark shadows moving and I whimper like a child. In the morning I wake with such terrible guilt, almost too hard for me to face. I shamefully clean up the smashed glass and wear long sleeves to cover up the cuts and wonder to myself how I will face my family and if they can forgive me again.

I have a wonderful new partner in my life. However he is an enabler. He will drive to buy me more alcohol as he doesnt want to see me caught by the police. He hasnt read any books on the matter and just listens to what I have to say instead.
A year ago I looked into rehabs, AA and went to the doctor. The rehabs were too expensive. AA was depressing and, suffering social anxiety, I need a drink just to attend! The doctor prescribed me valium and said "far better you are addicted to valium than alcohol" . Suffice to say I ripped up that prescription and threw it away and carried on drinking. Heck at least with alcohol I function. I dont want to be a zombie mum.

Openingly admitting my drinking problem was a big mistake. I stupidly thought that my mother and the few friends I had would be supportive and understanding. However in their eyes I am now weak and pathetic. In fact pathetic was the word my 20 year old daughter used against me 3 weeks ago when I had taken some "dutch courage" to kick her jobless boyfriend out of my house. ( I have been financially covering her and 3 seperate live-in boyfriends for the past 4 years). I also shamefully ranted at all these people recently whilst drunk, telling them how hypocritical they were to drink around me, even buying me alcohol as gifts when they know I have a problem. I am not upset about finally having the guts to tell these people a few things, however I am mad at myself for doing it under the influence. There is a stronger, more dignified and calmer way to go about it.

Losing the respect of my daughter is a line too far that I have crossed. Subjecting the kids to hearing me late at night smashing stuff and crying is definitely not healthy.
Nagging at my partner whilst drunk cause I am actually mad at other people is totally stupid. Alcohol has helped me to lose some unhealthy people from my life. But its like a wild animal let lose that I cant cage again. The benders, demon, blackouts wont stop. I dont want to lose my kids nor my partner. In fact my wrist was broken 4 months ago when my partner pushed me out of frustration with my drinking. The only solution is to give up alcohol. I cant go on like this.

Fortunately I came across The Sinclair Method whilst browsing books on alcoholism on my new kindle. Everything in it seems to make a lot of sense.
I knew I was going to have a fight on my hands to get my doctor on board. I honestly dont feel like they take me seriously as to the amount I can and do drink.
My liver tests all came back clear, my health is amazingly good. The only sign I show is a vitamin B lack.
I had the courage though to go into his office determined to walk away with Naltrexone or rehab. I refused to leave his office until he either prescribed me Naltrexone or signed me up that day to rehab. I showed him my cut arms, cried and told him that if he sent me home with no solution then I would drown my frustration in drink that very evening, make damn sure I hit rock bottom and finally get the help I need.
He had never heard of Naltrexone. He got confused thinking I was talking about Antabuse and then he thought I was talking about Naloxone. I had him ringing around everywhere. The poor dear he didnt know what to do with me! He couldnt get a single rehab to take me in as I am not addicted to other drugs, not in trouble with the law and, obviously they have, what they deem, more urgent cases than mine on their hands. Fortunately though he did take me very seriously. He was exasperated himself that he could not get a rehab to take me in. An expert from Sydney finally called him back and told him that he could prescribe me this medication. Whew! I was actually walking out of the office when he got that call and he came running after me. ( I had no idea I could order this online and actually I am happier knowing I have my doctor on board. Mind you the next time I saw him it seemed he couldnt get me out of his office fast enough. He didnt even tell me when he wanted to see me next. I handed him 50 printed out sheets on the sinclair method but i guess he might be feeling embarrassed as a patient knew more than him? Or maybe his colleague who apparently told him not to give me Naltrexone has had a severe word with him, I really dont know)

So thats my story with alcohol so far.

I have been on Naltrexone since July 10th. I started on 25mg for 3 days then upped it to 50mg. The first 3 days I felt slightly nauseous and tired. This prevented me from drinking as much as I usually do.I nibbled on ginger cookies to help with the nausea. I went up to 50mg and had no side effects.
Its only been 3 weeks and I can already tell that this is working for me. I still drink, yes. I still start around 2-3pm. However I just dont seem to be able to or want to drink as much as I use to. I find I am taking it slower. Instead of a bottle a day, I am now drinking around 1/2 to 3/4s. Not terribly amazing but I understand this process takes many months to work fully. As long I take Naltrexone an hour before drinking I feel that this will work for me.

The amazing moment so far for me was last week. I got upset about my daughter moving out and I was angry how it had all been blamed on my new label in life, instead of the balance of the bigger picture. I did down a whole bottle of sherry, muttering and crying and feeling sorry for myself and worrying about my relationship with her. Usually this would have led into a bender, especially as I had some anger towards my partner who had nagged me to kick her boyfriend out. He had even promised to help me confront him and support me in doing so but he chickened out and left it to me to do it alone and in my own stupid alcohol induced way. However I suddenly realised I had had enough to drink, that in fact I was feeling woozy and the world was actually spinning a little. Not surprising I suppose but for an alcoholic this was amazing!
I remember saying " wow this is how a normal person feels and should feel after drinking a whole bottle"
I did have another backup bottle hidden away but I chose to go to bed instead. At 2am I honestly didnt want to open that other bottle..I wanted a nice cup of tea and just go to sleep. A first for me in so so soo many years.

Its still early days but I truly hope this works, not just for myself but so I can pass the hope onto other people struggling with alcohol.

I think I will try to go to AA next Tuesday. Its a womens meeting. I am hesitant though as I am not sure how to blend the two "cures" together and do not wish to be seen as a trouble maker to their system. I have promised myself that Tuesday will be my first Alcohol Free day. Its only a day.. I can do that. So in that respect I will be abiding by their rule.
I guess I want to go as I am very isolated in life and very fearful of social situations. Logically, I am also thinking about the success rate of each method.. One is around 15%, the other around 70-80%, so why not try both? If the Sinclair Method does fail for me, then at least I have the other to fall back on? I wont find myself at square one again.. I will already be accustomed to the other method aswell.
Yes I am wary of AA. I know the history of it, the story of the founder. I am very alert or maybe just paranoid that its a god brain washing trap. I dont exactly agree with taking on a label for the rest of my life. So far taking on that label has caused me more harm than good. Not only in the way people have viewed and treated me since I said I am an alcoholic, but also in the way I treated myself. It was almost like opening a flood gate of an excuse for really shitty behaviour. The night my mother was slicing her wrists infront of me was the night I realised she actually had a drinking problem, and the night I admitted to myself that my own drinking was further beyond my control than I was fooling myself with. That was the time my own benders started. When I finally said " hi my name is jo and I am an alcoholic" and fully gave into the helplessness of it all.

Ok I am closing this intro now as I am waffling. I guess I needed to share a bit. ( something I find hard to do in public) For those who did, thanks for reading.
For those who have been to AA, I would be so grateful to also hear your opinions and experiences.
I do think that the Sinclair Method will work. I have definitely made a commitment to myself that I will always take Naltrexone before drinking. But I would like to know I have a backup plan aswell as I am completely committed to beating this.
I know I am addicted as I have gone 3 months without alcohol. It was just before I met my current partner. I tortured myself with getting up at 5am every day and walking for 2 hours before getting the kids ready for school... then for the rest of the day I would punish myself with another hour of exercise ( swimming, walking) if I thought i was going to drink. At 8pm I would collapse into bed and think "wow this is life.. but damn its bloody boring" Those 3 months were hell and I never lost the urge.
I even did a water fast for 2 weeks.. No food, no alcohol.. just water.. I didnt crave food.. It was easy for me to cook wonderful meals each night and not eat any of it. But gosh the craving for alcohol.. just for a drink.. was constant.

I would love to reach out and share with another
I really hope this method works for me and for others.
I did start keeping a diary but alas.. I let it slip..
However I am definitely not going to slip up on that pill before a drink.

actually I would really really appreciate to have someone to talk to

It was hard for me to write that post

A big welcome to you

Jo, we are all here for you if you want us to be. Your story is one that we can all relate to. Many of us share just the same things so please believe this is a SAFE place for you to share your grief and pain.

From what you have said Naltrexone is already working for you - that is just wonderful You are on your way - and you are doing it all by yourself. You have terrific courage in a very difficult situation. Your partner seems to be supportive but may not know exactly how to help you at this point. So you've done the right thing - you've reached out to others who are just like you.

Keep reading on this board - there are dozens of stories here - and lots of women who will support you too. Keep posting as often as you can so we can get to know you.

If you can get into counselling - PROPER COUNSELLING - that might be the best thing. You have lots of emotional stuff going on in your life just now.

As for AA, that is your decision. Of course you know they would prefer that you not drink but if you use the Sinclair Method you would be drinking and taking naltrexone one hour before. Wether you can mix the two is up to you. There are many ideas AA teaches that are very good and do mix with the Sinclair Method so you will learn some good things at AA.

Whatever you do please keep in touch. Feeling alone and unsupported is awful, so please stick around.
Babs

Just want to say hi and welcome.

It seems as though you've had a lot to deal with over the years and it must have been really tough for you. You dealt with life's blows in the best way you knew how and now you're ready to make major changes. I commend you and hope that TSM is able to help you.

I'm so glad you were able to persuade (force!) your doctor to prescribe Nal for you. Well done on your persistence. It's great to hear that it's already having an effect on your drinking...keep up the good work.

I can't offer any advice about AA as I've never been, but I guess it can't hurt to try a meeting and see how you feel. Whether you should do alcohol free days to fit in or not I'm not so sure. I just know that Sinclair says we should drink as we normally would to allow extinction to occur.

Take care,

Ruth.

Hi Zodina,

Welcome, and thank you for posting your introduction. It's not easy to do but it's helpful not only for you to put it out there, but for others to read it. We all have so much in common.

And I'm thrilled for your progress using Nal so far. I started about the same time, and my units have decreased some, and will hopefully continue the downward trajectory. We have to be patient, and kind to ourselves, and above all, take our Nal one hour before we drink!

As far as AA, I have had a great deal of experience and mixed feelings about it. My advice if you go would be to listen more than you talk, because your Nal/TSM "program" could be met with out and out hostility. They don't really need to know everything about you; "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." You may well find their experience, strength and hope to be useful; at times I did. But mostly I felt that AA was much too rigid for me. I was once openly chided/criticized in a meeting for even mentioning the name of a book I had found to be helpful, and it was nothing nearly so radical as Dr. Eskapa's. But because it was not AA- approved, it shouldn't be discussed.

So best of luck, glad you've joined the forum, do track your daily/weekly intake, and keep us posted.

Welcome Zodina from another newbie. You have actually been lurking around here a bit longer than I have I will say this......all of you people with supportive partners are VERY fortunate. I have not been so lucky and am going through a divorce after only a year and a half of marriage. So count your blessings there.

I have been on 25mg of nal for 2 days now and have been sick as a dog, but I do already notice an aversion to alcohol from the meds. I am going to cut down to 12.5 today and see if the sick feeling goes away. I am determined to stay on this TSM road!

I have tried AA several times and it is just not for me. The only reason I kept trying it is because (at least here in the USA) it is promoted as the "only" way to get sober. Well, I know that there are some people (10-15%) that achieve success through this program, but for me it just knocked me down again and again. I don't need to be humbled. Being a heavy drinker for so long, I have very little self esteem left and am very depressed. AA meetings only made me feel worse. Having to admit that I was an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol did nothing to make me feel better or strengthen my resolve. However, they do teach some great rules to live by. Just didn't work for me.

Anyway, It sounds like you are as determined as I am to make TSM work. Congratulations on your success so far and I wish you much luck on your journey here and hope you stick around for Extinction

Cindy

I'm glad you're here and sharing. Im glad to hear its working as it gives me hope. I just started and am cutting the pills down till my body gets used to it and then bumping back up hopefully without the nausea. Proper counseling like someone suggested would really help in your situation "I think". In the Usa anyway theres some fairly affordable outpatient places. Couple days a week kinda thing. AA umm been there a few times. My last go with it started last august, I work 12-14 hour days and put in 2 meetings a day (6:30am and 8 or 10pm). Talk about white knuckled needing to drink. Anyway I think you could get very positive things out of womens meetings (well I never went to one but I been on the guys side) and 4th step seminars are good. So many people have been through so much in those rooms and hearing how they got through it, fixed all the wreckage in their lives and are now doing this that and the other to be better people and not let things get to them is really wonderful. I learned a lot of coping skills there, and years ago when forced into counseling in my younger days for drunk driving. I like the earlier meetings because it was usually professionals like myself, not every meeting is the same... shop around its like picking a church LOL.... Dusty

Hi
Its been around 4 months since I introduced myself.
Thanks to everyone for your beautiful supporting replies and for not judging me harshly.
I did read them and they mean a lot to me. I do apologise for not replying at the time but I do/did have a tendency to drink whilst forum posting!
I was at a very low weak point in life.

I cant believe its only 4 months ago! it seems so much longer.

This update is to let you all know that I havent had a drink for 20 days and I feel fine =)
I never did go to AA.

Naltrexone does work. It works very very well. I have also quit smoking. For the first time in 27 years I am not filling my lungs up with smoke 40 times a day!

I am not having any physical cravings for alcohol. There are moments here and there I think it might be nice to have a drink but I dont feel like its a huge battle to chose not to drink. My choice to abstain is no longer so agonising. I was even "tested" with a stressful upsetting incidence and, even though I had a little cry and felt like going out to get a drink, once I had gathered myself together to go to the shops, the urge passed and I felt like I could handle being upset and still remain sober.
( the smoking though is a bit different, I do miss that ! but I am using a vaporizer as an alternative. I think if I did have a real cig then I would want a "real" drink too)

I realise 20 days of sobriety is early days.. I really believe Naltrexone has taken the edge off. Christmas and the festive season is coming and I honestly think its going to be ok. I will probably have a drink or two then and it wont be a big deal. ( just so long as I take a pill beforehand)

Thanks again for reading and for helping me with your replies. I do hope all of you have had/are having similar results.
I'll keep an eye out for your stories on the forums.

Wow, zodina. I'm impressed and thrilled for you. Great job on really taking things in hand and fixing yourself!

I hope you come visit at least occasionally. This board needs more who stick around after the cure; it's misleading to have only the strugglers as regulars.

Thanks Melissa =)
And yup, dont worry I will definitely check back in again and keep this updated, especially with the Christmas period coming.

I see you are on your 4th week, all the best and stick with it!