I'm honestly a bit jealous of you, Done. I guess I'm a low-bottom type, because even with all the consequences I've suffered, I wouldn't stop drinking altogether even if it was as easy as waving a magic wand. Your numbers are spectacular though, and I have no doubt that you have the strength and determination to win this battle once and for all. Good for you, buddy. Keep it up!

Brother,

Just getting caught up on your posts. I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I guarantee I would have had major drinking issues. I crumble with very small triggers compared to an event like that. Glad to hear you're back in your comfort zone.

I must agree with you. I don't want to quit. I enjoy my life/environment and drinking way too much.

But to answer your question about "What would the Magic Pill do for me". It would make me drink at HEALTHY and SAFE levels. Thats pretty much it. Health and Safety. I have been drinking unhealthily and unsafely for the last 20 years.

generic, you have asked the billion $ question: what do I want my drinking to look like? I've just read through your posts - and thank you for your honesty - it's wonderful for all of us to share - we don't feel so isolated in our weird alcohol fuelled misery when we read about others like us. And I, too, am sorry about the loss of your babies.

I have to face up to your well-put question. After 50 years of drinking - some sober years, some very bad years - I still don't want to face total sobriety. I want to be able to have a glass of wine at a party, or at someone's anniversary or birthday, or at Christmas. What I have now is every night of misery drinking home-made-awful-plonk-made-by-husband-too-cheap-to-buy-the-good-stuff-me-too-weak-to-say-HELL-NO-drinking-too-much-getting-fuzzy-flushed-hating-it-rinse-repeat.

Naltrexone as you have said is only one part of the equation. Decision time: it shouldn't matter what DH wants to do. What do I want MY drinking to look like?. Thanks again and I hope you have the time to keep posting.
Babs

Thanks Chris and DTW. Chris, my friend, I'm glad to have you back around here. I feel like in sooo many ways, our drinking patterns are/were very similar. Also, I tried your suggestion about melatonin instead of benadryl for sleeping. I love it.

I have continued to be obsessed with this question... If you could turn a dial to determine how many drinks you would have in a given night, where would you set it? For me, in the past I always focused on consequences, rather than the drinking itself. That's totally understandable, I think, because we LOVE the drinking, but HATE the consequences.

But I think, Chris, that was your answer to my question as well - You just want to make it to safe and healthy levels. That's a great goal, and I believe you will get there, but maybe it would help you to have an idea of how many drinks qualifies as "safe and healthy" for you. MY problem has always been, and continues to be, that once I'm a bit sauced, the thought of the consequences goes out the window, so that has been a poor motivator.

So I am now trying a more concrete approach. If I drink on a weekday, which is rare, I will leave at least one glass of wine left in the bottle. That's a nice concrete amount that I seem to nowadays be able to limit myself to, and doesn't result in any hangover the next day. For the weekends, I am trying to keep it below two bottles. I went to another wedding this weekend, and kept it well under control both nights that I was there. Now I have a new problem.. I am BORING. Nothing goes up my nose at the party, I don't dance like a maniac and scream out the songs, I leave around midnight, and I am in bed asleep while the hard core party people are likely still rocking out. I don't want a return to the old days by any means though, because I wake up the next day, remembering how I got home, all of the coherent conversations I had, and am quite sure that I didn't do anything that I'll be cringing about for the next 10 years.

DTW, you seem to have a more concrete number you want to get to: "1." That's a heck of a goal, and I believe you can do it. I look forward to hearing about your upcoming successes. For someone like you, I believe TSM is ideal. You want to be able to live a happy life that includes having a glass of wine with your husband... or maybe even a half a glass? AA can't really accommodate you there. It's all or nothing - you quit, and get into alanon so that you can save your husband too. I don't mean to sound negative about AA, they are right about a lot of stuff, but I really hope you find success here so that you don't have to resort to anything more drastic.

Thanks again all for the support everyone. We help each other in this thing.

Well generic it sounds like you really had great control on the weekend.

Funny you should use the word "boring" for your conduct though. It does seem a little like that compared to our old behaviour I know. Now when I'm around people who really get hammered, or even those who just 'drink too much' I realize they are not very nice to be around, and THEY are the boring ones - red faced, telling the same boring stories, slurring their words. Yowza!!!! That was ME so many times I cringe to think of it.

I'm rapidly heading to abstinence but I've been there before so have to be realistic. I'm having success this time because I'm making changes in my "other life" besides my drinking life - which is where the main problems are. I drink from stuffing anxiety, depression, sadness, boredom, fear, anger, all the usual crap...but once I start "doing the work" necessary to face those things I stop drinking with naltrexone as the tool - and a great one it is.

Key is to keep moving forward. I've always caved before. Anyway, you and Chris have to find the magic number or magic state that you won't cross - it's tricky even when naltrexone lets you gain control. And you are so right - consequences don't mean a thing. Let's face it, if you look at the faces of your loved ones wouldn't that stop you immediately from ever taking another drink? But it doesn't. It has to be the time, the right time, and you have to decide for YOU. Have a great week.
Babs

I find having to set a limit isn't a sign of a cure, normal people don't set a limit, they just drink how they feel.

I don't feel like drinking most of the time, when I do it only makes me feel groggy or stupid, or even do stupid things - not like I used to, more in response to stuff going on outside of the drinking situation. I'm seriously considering abstenance, not enforced because it really doesn't bother me, and result is only me feeling sh1tty ie I just don't like drinking. It's making the commitment that's the problem.

Hung out with some drunk people at the weekend and they just kept repeating themselves, that was really, really boring - even though I was drinking myself.

Wow. I've just spent the past couple of hours (I have quite a bit of time on my hands these days) reading this entire topic.

Generic, what an illuminating ride you've had. I'm so sorry for your miscarriages; the last one so, so traumatic. Your bravery in chronicling your overall very successful experience has given me hope that Nal may be the solution that works for me, as well. Finally. And as others have noted, your writing is superb - you may have the makings of a novel here. Or a series of articles in Esquire. Seriously. So please keep on posting.

I'm a bit embarrassed now with my 'writeratlarge' member name, but I've used it for so long. I'm really just a professional word whore, aka advertising/marketing copywriter/editor. But fortunate that I can make a living writing catalog or web descriptions that enable companies to sell their silly clothes or motorcycles or moisturizers or watches or whatever. Really, I guess you could say I'm saving the world, one skirt at a time. That's how meaningful my writing is. You all don't know me yet so I'll just say in case it doesn't come across, that's me being self-deprecating. But actually this a pretty educated, intelligent lot we have here, so that prolly didn't need saying. Besides, akaMonique, one of my other monikers, sounds a little too whore-whore. But I digress.

I also wanted to thank you for mentioning where you live; I lived in The City for five pretty wild years in the mid-eighties. First in Cow Hollow (Union St @ Steiner), where one night I barely remember being at Boz Skaggs house doing copious amounts of cocaine. Riding my motorcycle through SoMa in the wee hours, sunglasses at night, all black leather and blonde hair flying, trying to create a cool persona to mask how lost I was already. I also lived in Noe Valley just above Castro and had many, many wonderful gay friends. Even went to my very first AA meeting in SF, 20-some years ago. I'll save what drove me to that first meeting for another topic...

What a long, strange trip it's been.

So here I am, in week 3. My pre-TSM was 2-3 bottles of wine every day. My immediate goal is single-digit days, and this week that's where I'm headed, 2 9-unit days so far. The next goal, 5 units per day or less. Then I'll start working on AF days.

I liked what you wrote recently about intentionally leaving that last glass in the wine bottle. I'll keep that one in mind.

Oh, by the way, I do see a Dr., let's call him Dr. W. He's a GP as well as the lead psychologist at a counseling clinic (mostly for addiction) up here in the middle of nowhere Idaho. I was prescribed Naltexone by a different Dr. years ago and that didn't affect my ability to get new insurance when I changed jobs one bit. It didn't work to curb my drinking then because that Dr. had mistakenly prescribed it to be used only when I was sober and at that time I had no awareness of TSM.

It was Dr. W's suggestion, well, one of his suggestions, the other being traditional detox/withdrawal/abstinence, that I try Naltrexone and TSM. I downloaded and read the book the following day. And my current insurance covered the Rx when I used my card at the pharmacy, no problems there. Many people don't feel the need to include a Dr. in their treatment and I respect whatever works for every unique situation. For me it helps keep me accountable and perhaps more mindfull of tracking (I'm very strict on that and taking my Nal per the protocol). I'm also under his care for acute depression so it makes sense for him to be in the loop on my total co-occuring disorders package.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to go on and on.

A note to UKBlonde, prior to my relapse 6 weeks ago, I had 14 months sober. But not very healthy sober. I became best friends with Hagen Daaz, to the tune of a pint a night! The sugar cravings were almost every bit as compelling as alcohol. I also got addicted to eBay shopping, though at least I turned that into a side business, promptly reselling my endorphin-fueled auction wins. With my recent depression nose-dive and the Naltrexone, I have barely any appetite, and have finally started exercising again. So am hopeful that once the units go down, the lbs. will, too. Also, where is the Don't Panic thread you mentioned, if you don't mind saying? Or you can pm me.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here and thank all of you for your frank disclosures. Keep them coming!

This is something that I have to really keep in mind, thank you for reminding me. As I re-invent myself, and go through these experiences with a fresh perspective, it feels a little more boring, but I know that in the past I went beyond embarrassing myself and many times made those around me very uncomfortable. Whether by making completely inappropriate comments, picking fights, or simply needing to be taken care of like a child at the end of the night. I am sure that the "new me" is more fun to hang out with for a lot of reasons.



I could not agree with you more, UKb... And it's one of the reasons that I don't like the term "cure," and I don't fully buy the promises of TSM. I have been on for over a year and I am NOT a normal person. My life has improved in ways that I never could have imagined... but I still have to take some care when drinking. The difference is that now, I am able to take some control. I can employ strategies that get me even further than the medication alone does. I tried a million ways to control my drinking pre-nal, and they all eventually failed for exactly the same reason: I had to feed the beast. If I drank only beer, I would drink faster. If I limited my number of drinks, I would pour mason jars full of whiskey for each drink. If I started later in the evening, I'd be up until 5. Now all of these techniques have a (mostly) effortless effect, dropping my consumption noticeably. Maybe someday I'll be well and truly cured. Alcohol will start to taste awful and I will get absolutely no good feeling or benefit, and I'll just kinda stop. Quite honestly, I don't care if that ever happens because I am pretty durned happy with how far I've come and how my life is now.



Oh wow, we could have had some fun. I used to love getting loaded and ripping around on my motorcycle... Until, of course, I inevitably crashed it. I outright refused to admit to family or friends that I was loaded at the time because that would mean admitting I had a drinking problem. Looking back I see how silly it was for a kid who was drunk all the time to try and claim he crashed his bike while sober. I keep dreaming that maybe someday I'll get another bike now that I am not a complete mess.

Thank you for the kind words. I love writing as a hobby and have been trying to cut down on the amount of self-indulgent hackneyed purple prose that finds itself flowing quite effortlessly from my fingertips as if it were aged brandy tumbling into a snifter . Anyway, glad you found some useful stuff in my posts.

I've really enjoyed reading your posts, and look forward to hearing about how this goes for you. I would recommend to not try too hard just yet to get your numbers down. Let the process work for you for a while. Let the drinking get boring and then start to make conscious efforts to decrease. That's just my 2c, so feel free to ignore me

"Quite honestly, I don't care if that ever happens because I am pretty durned happy with how far I've come and how my life is now." Generic

Isnt that all that counts thanks generic and everyone for the great posts , I am starting next week myself really looking forward to it. Will keep everyone posted .

J.

Quote:
" I would recommend to not try too hard just yet to get your numbers down. Let the process work for you for a while. Let the drinking get boring and then start to make conscious efforts to decrease."

Thank you, Generic. Dr. W was equally encouraging today, though a bit concerned because I couldn't stop crying. He reminded me that my numbers were actually down, if not the cataclysmic (sp?) freefall I'd hoped for. Yes, we perfectionists and public performers want positive results now, thank you very much. Isn't that what we've always delivered?

And after my appointment, I had the most magnificent pedicure, but also couldn't respond to the well-meaning technician's questions (How was I able to be out and about on a Thursday afternoon when everyone else was working?); just told her I was dealing with some medical issues, true.

I'm trying to be patient and accept the process and slow progress, but it's hard. Especially knowing it could be years vs. months.