Hello. First off, thank you all for sharing your stories on here, as well as detailed information about various generic forms of Naltrexone, best pharmacies to buy from online, etc. It has all been tremendously helpful as I begin to navigate my Sinclair journey. I am not really new to this, as I started with Nodict last summer. However, I now know I wasn't really taking it according to protocol, so I don't know that it really even counts.

I ordered Naltima more recently, just in case it really is the more effective generic version of Nal, as some have convincingly argued on these boards. I've been good about taking the pill one hour before drinking, but haven't really made an effort to keep a log of my drinking, nor have I done more than lurk on these boards, which is why I'm posting now. I have not told anyone, and I mean anyone, that I know I am a problem drinker--not my best friend, husband, or other family. Telling my parents is not an option, and although I know my husband or best friend would be supportive, they have each had so many struggles going on in their own lives (health issues for my friend, ADHD and sex addiction issues for my husband) that I've chosen to keep this one to myself. Of course, there's also the whole part where I am ashamed and embarrassed and honestly just don't feel like dealing with it publicly. Am I delusional to think I can do it on my own, with the support of the people on this board and no one else?

Thus far I haven't reached out to any of you, but I am now. I really want to start doing this right...being religious about the golden rule, logging my units, and posting and interacting on these boards. Do you think that will be enough?

A brief history of my drinking to help you understand where I'm coming from:

Started drinking in college and LOVED it...drank only on the weekends for the first couple of years, and then occasionally on a weeknight or two as well during my senior year. During the summers, partied with coworkers quite a bit but never drank when I was alone. I didn't have a rule about it; it just wasn't an activity that occurred to me when I was alone.

Post-college: Moved in with a boyfriend who drank wine or beer almost every night, and smoked pot just as frequently. Began drinking much more frequently myself, both at home with him and out with friends. Fast forward through a year or so of single life where I really enjoyed a good party and drank frequently with my friends, since it seemed that there wasn't a social occasion without alcohol, and of course when everyone is drinking an unhealthy amount, it seems totally normal to do so was well. Still, at this point, no anxiety surrounding alcohol.

Then, events occurred which pushed me into a deep depression, and I started hunting down excuses to be intoxicated as much as possible when I wasn't working, not because it made me feel like an outgoing, flirty, gregarious young woman, but because I just felt so much better when I didn't have to feel much at all. As gross as it is, I didn't really realize what I was doing until the clean-living (though asshole-ish) guy I was sleeping with came over and said these exact words to me: "You're always intoxicated." He was right, and I realized I was drinking or smoking pot before he would come over because I actually didn't like him all that much, but was lonely and in need of male attention to make myself feel attractive. Like I said, gross, but that's what happened.

This is not brief at all--let me wrap up. I've now been married for several years and am a mom, and I would say that from the outside, things are looking pretty good, and overall they are. I am able to control my drinking, but that is the problem: I need to control it, because being moderate when it comes to "The Beast" does not come naturally to me. I have a ridiculous amount of situations or triggers that make me want a drink or three: sunny day hanging out with friends, cooking dinner for my family, going out to dinner with my husband, facilitating evening events for work, preparing for my in-laws to come over, any type of anxiety, wanting to celebrate, feeling sad, it being after 6:00 pm...you get the picture.

My issue is the "off switch," and the issue is that I don't have one. I can stop after one drink (though I never want to), but if I have two or three, stopping from having a fourth is akin to holding a feather up in front a freight train and hoping for the best: Herculean effort, sometimes successful and sometimes not. I have to consciously pace myself and create little rules in my head: one glass of water before you can have another sip, don't drink below the bottom line of the wine label, etc. It makes me feel a little pathetic, and also makes me realize it's the fact that drinking/not drinking/moderating/wanting to seem indifferent to alcohol are things I frequently think about that defines me as having a problem.

As Roberta Jewell discusses in her book, I would love to treat wine like butter: a nice indulgence that I could take or leave, but not obsess over. That would be nice. If I can get to that point, I would love it, but if I find that abstinence is the only thing that gives me the freedom to not obsess, then I'll aim for that. At this point, achieving my many goals in life, pursuing my art, and being the best mom I can possibly be mean a lot more to me than alcohol. I feel like everyone around me has grown up and figured out how to balance drinking and responsibility, when to stop, how to get through life without rewarding themselves with alcohol, and yet I am still at the party, drinking by myself (or with my husband, if I'm honest about it). I want to stop this craziness, and need to stop blaming those around me for making me feel the "need" to drink, which really is more of a "want," I think. I just need to figure how to not want it so much.

Peace out, everyone. Much love, and thanks for reading.

Valentine

Valentine, wow, great post. I can 100% relate to your description of your relationship with alcohol (I'm not a pot person, though, and I take it you've moved on from that now that you're apparently a suburban mom!). First, yes, I think that someone can easily do TSM all by themselves with just this board (or without this board, for that matter). That's part of the counter-intuitive / counter-cultural nature of The Sinclair Method. For most of us, drinking is a brain chemical thing, and doesn't require extensive and expensive psychotherapy to overcome it. It's sort of the opposite of everything Lindsay Lohan has done to quit drinking -- I wish she would just take the damn Naltrexone and move on, and that would be great publicity! One of the success stories on this website never told a soul what he was doing -- I think he told his wife he was going to cut down on drinking to "train" for a marathon or something. He then proceeded to cut his drinking by about 90% through TSM and that was that. For me, it was very important to tell my spouse about it, but I waited until I was positive that this was going to work (which, for me, was after three dramatic weeks).

I'm really curious to hear about how Nalrexone has or hasn't squelched your ability to stop once you start getting your buzz on. For me, it eliminated it from the first pill, and I've yet to break three drinks in one day. For others, that takes awhile. It still works either way, though, as buzz-killing is not what Naltrexone is for.