Thanks man I am really happy for this week, and very very relieved that it went by without a single binge cause it really fucks me over. I feel like I am putting a feet in the door here and gaining some confidence that I can beat this fucker, and start putting my life to together and not being a mess of guilt, despair and fear, as well as being depressed and anxious. Baclofen I think has helped too, although I am not taking it daily. If I don't feel that confident about my drinking, esp. after work where I am the most vulnerable due to the tiredness and consequent low will power, I am starting the bac early on. I am off to do the medicals this week too, hopefully that pain in the abdomen won't be pancreas related.

boozy tuesday... what triggered it was overworking, staying until 9 pm at the office, a nagging cold that's been lingering on and a pain in my jaw, from, well, I guess you, well, guessed it, from a fight a few months ago and some asshole who punched me in the face for no other reason than he very apparently must have been or crack or something.

Called in sick to work (yet another time), couple of beers, then about 1/4 of a bottle of vodka, then about 4 drinks in a bar. I puked too, which I hadn't in a long time, but I guess that's a good thing to avoid alcoholic poisoning... pretty wrecked physically today, horribly, unbelievably depressed too, oh the despair when it sets in...

I should probably call some of my old buddies in the AA...

Anyway looking forward to some af days in the future.

Hang in there Joe. Your in your first month. Keep taking the pill and drink like you normally would. You have already been successful with the booze free days. It is gonna be a while.

Keep working the plan, Joe - nal + 1 hour before drinking. Take another one if your drinking session is a long one.

And yes, why not call your buddies from AA, it couldn't hurt, right?

We're rooting for you!

Nal on!!

Heya Joseph,

Hope you are doing alright. Re: vomiting... I nearly vomited the other day when I took a shot like a shot. I haven't thrown up from drinking since college. Like Roy from Kingpin says "I don't puke when I drink... I puke when I don't."

I think the more we wean ourselves off the sauce, the more of these side effects we can expect. When your dependence and tolerance go down, your body isn't accustomed to this kind of thing. If that's why you threw up, then this could be a good sign.

Did you contact the AA guys? The further I get into this process, the more respect I have for AA. It's weird, as my consumption has gone down, my clarity has improved, and I can see that even after a year, my drinking can be a problem. You can expect them to absolutely **** all over TSM if you explain it to them. AA would tell you that this is just your addiction finding a way to buy itself time. Maybe they are right, I dunno yet. It's different for each of us. For me, I am feeling a lot of benefits, and not ready to give up on TSM yet, despite my occasional transgressions. I think you need to continuously ask yourself though, if your life was better in the AA days. If so, have the courage to go raise your hand again and ask for help.

Best wishes brother

@Chris and Nipit, thanks guys, much appreciate your support and your advice. Yeah, Chris it's too soon to give up with only a month in treatment. Good idea nipit about the extra nal en route to the binge.

@generic
Great f***ing movie man, a classic, kinda sums up my life in a lot of ways. No, I didn't call any of the AA brothers up, yet, but I am close to it if things get out of hand once more. I am sure they 'll crap all over tsm, and like you said they could be right that my addiction could be buying up time. Who knows? I don't think anyone knows really. I 've read everything left right and center about addiction and alcoholism research... they are as exact sciences as say economics is, including the vested interests. Right now though I tend to side with the chemical side of things, the biochemical vulnerability to addiction. I have a lot of respect too for AA, there's much wisdom there, and I would encourage anyone who's on the fence about it to definitely give it a go, but I also respect pharmacology and hence I am on the nal wagon. I can't side with anyone who's vehemently against one or the other method, it's whatever works at the end of the day. Oh and yes, without question, my life was much better in the AA and with sobriety. Maybe a part of me can't handle saying hey I am Joe and I am an alcoholic at the moment, and to listen to stories in meetings, I emote easily and they tend to wear me down.

AF for the past four days btw, and I plan to take it to the end of the week this way. I can't miss any more days at work. Let's see... or rather, I 'll see to it.

All the best guys, and thanks again for the support.

Just popped in to congratulate myself for a week, a week and a day actually, AF. It's not much, and it's not some sort of accomplishment in general, to not drink, but, since I, as other brothers and sisters struggling with this fucker are too harsh on ourselves (as well as harboring resentments, regrets and tons of self pity) I thought I might as well be kind to myself... so a big proud good work Joe is in order, great going man for keeping it up. I am still not 100% behind this self approval but I am working on it. I've been also taking lots of cues from my former AA days, rereading living sober (http://home.earthlink.net/~briggsmorebe ... gSober.htm) which a great book btw, much better than the big book imho, full of down to earth practical bits on doing just that, living sober. So chocolate is in, resentments are kept at some check, self pity is to be accepted not fought (I am taking more of a buddhist approach here than the aa book) but not indulged in... oh and easy does it.

Still, I know this monkey, this devil is on my back but I am glad I've kept it well behaved for a week and a day.

All the best guys and gals, I hope for many af days for all of us, nal on.

AF today, and I just remembered I have 3/4 of a bottle of vodka stashed right behind my back in the cupboard, in a paper bag, behind piles of books and old newspapers. I avoid keeping any booze at home except from the odd beer or bottle of wine and that's been there since my last binge on Tuesday. I 'd even forgotten it was there, and I might as well throw it away tomorrow. As an aside I just remembered that on said binge I got friendly with the bar owner (that I 'd met a few times before and I 'd been talking to him about this business plan of mine), and, he suggested that we each put half the capital in an exciting business venture that would involve... running a bar, as there was one in a good spot on sale by its owners... What a f***ing brilliant idea, me, running a bar (that's like having a serial rapist teach in an all girls boarding school), how very unsurprising that I had this idea drunk and in a quasi black out I hadn't remembered it since now.

Any f***ing way, god bless for my sobriety today, and all the best to all the folks here, and around the globe doing their best to walk the straight and narrow.

I hope I 'll soon allow myself to get some well deserved rest for the night too.

Joe,

Throw that bottle of vodka away.

Running a bar? I'm sure many of us alkys have thought about that one before. 15 years ago me and 2 other fellow drunkards discussed buying a local dive for about $120k each. As Garth Brooks would say. Thank God for Unanswered Prayers.

I am with ya Joe! We can only keeping plugging along!