Hey Hess: As I said on Lou's thread I'm in sorta the same place. Under much more control than a year ago but not where I want to be. And also starting to burn out on keeping such close surveillance and posting.

Congrats on the thesis! That's a big deal.

i still dont understand why anyone keeps track. i buy 10 beers everynight and finish 10 beers everynight. if for some reason i cant finish the last one i will spill it out. because i dont like my kids to see booze in my house. so i quess im saying FOR ME counting doesnt mean sense. dont forget guys you can taake 75 or 100 mlg and see if that helps out. good luck

Good work on the Tough Mudder! I'm totally interested in doing something like that in the future, mad props!
"I get the nagging feeling that I've taken TSM about as far as I can with my current lifestyle and location."
Yes, this. I think the thing is... I'm sort of ok for this right now. I think that time might solve the remaining nagging issues with drinking, just by virtue of going out less, working out more, having more work responsibilities, having fewer friends who drink, possibly moving, etc. I still drink too much sometimes (by "too much" I mean that I have a hangover the next day that is more than just a bit of dehydration - but there is of course a wide range) but it's definitely a lot less. I'm with you on not counting drinks anymore. I just cannot do it at this point, I was so tightly wound with regulating myself for so long (a good two years BEFORE TSM, as well) that now that I'm out of the immediate danger zone I feel like I need to sit back and relax.
Any news on the job front? Congrats on finishing the thesis and I hope you get out of Providence soon

Hi all,

It's been a ridiculously long time since I posted on here, and there have been some pretty serious life changes that happened to me over the past three months.

First - I finally ended up getting out of Providence and moved to Chicago in November. AWESOME. I got set up with a great job at a great institution, and I locked down a sweet pad in the heart of River North. It was obviously tough to leave my family, friends and co-workers behind (some of these people pretty much felt like family to me), but this was something I've been wanting to do for years. It was my hope that this move would become the significant life event where I could start over. Since I only have a few acquaintances out here, I could be whoever I wanted to be. Instead of being the drunken disaster that I was on the East Coast, I could be the moderating, respectable dude in the Midwest. Everything would change. But nothing changed...

I have been on a veritable three month bender since I got here. The second night I got to town, I somehow managed to lose my wallet, which meant that I had no cash, credit cards, identification, etc. for my first day of work. Ridiculous...and it was a harbinger of things to come. Some other choice events included getting BOC drunk while assembling furniture, which I had to completely reconstruct once I sobered up. I got inappropriately drunk with family friends on Thanksgiving. On New Years I drank a bottle of Hendrick's Gin (which has replaced bourbon as my go-to spirit), took a cocktail of drugs, promptly blacked-out, and came-to at 4 am on Chicago Ave, wandering around with no jacket in 20 degree weather. The bender finally culminated this past weekend when I got completely KO'ed on a one-man mission Saturday evening, met up with some friends at an awesome speakeasy bar later that night, stumbled into the Black Out City, and woke up 12 hours later, ass-naked on my kitchen floor, covered in pita chips. I still don't have all of the details, but my poor friend had to drag me back to my building...when left to my own devices, I passed out in the hallway of my floor, three feet from my door. My neighbor's buddy found me in this state, and had to physically drag me into my apartment. I managed to break my phone at some point during this debacle, so no one could get in touch with me the next day...it was pretty much assumed that I was dead.

So where does TSM fit into this? The month or two before I made the move, I became super lax about taking my meds, which led to the rapid relapse that others have described here. I've only taken my Nal a few times since I've been in Chicago, and I feel like I am pretty much back to square one. I'm posting here so I can have some public accountability to reboot the Battle with the Surly Sauce. I saw a lot of initial progress with this program during the first year of treatment, and I'm hoping to get that mindset back.

It really is a shame, because I am enjoying work, the city itself is amazing, and I've lucked out with the people I've met out here. The only problem so far has been me...but fortunately that's the one aspect that I have the most control over. I've gotta turn this sh*t around.

I'm keeping it AF for the rest of the week, because I need to dry out badly. I would estimate that I've drank at least 80% of the nights I've been out here so far, so a little AF streak needs to happen...badly. Honestly - this is the first time in my life where I'm seriously considering sobriety, because I feel like I did enough drinking in my 20's to last me for awhile (I also turned 30 in January) and I'm starting to run out of options.

My dad and I had a long conversation right before the move, and he seemed a bit dubious that I'd be able to keep my sh*t together out here. "Do not screw this up" was said repeatedly. I've been screwing up so far.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to post more often, and catch up with some of my old running buddies from my first attempt at TSM.

Thanks for reading.

-H

Hey,

Definitely get back on the Nal mate. Your TSM numbers seem like they were keeping you on the straight and narrow. You seem like you have some fantastic opportunities at you disposal.

I became a bit lax over the holidays and drank about a dozen times as I'd run out of Nal. I also have a go at some recreational drugs which I hadn't done since starting TSM. I don't know if this has set me back any but I've came to far to be messing with something that's obviously worked great for me. I'll not be making the same mistake again.

I'm striving for abstinence but since starting TSM its kept me well in control. I've been drunk a handful of times and even those haven't gotten out of hand.

Best of luck.

Welcome back my TSM brother! Glad to see you made the move and changed your scenery. Sorry to hear about your struggles. You did great on TSM and it will continue. I am with on on regression, I think TSM gives us a a head start and the rational mind to change but the habit is so ingrained in us the blocking endorphin rush is does not resolve habit. That habit can easily turn into crazy addiction once again. Best of luck and keep on keeping on. I too am back and here for support

I will add that I have never not taken NAL, except for new years day (not eve) when I drank for two days straight and didn't take another NAL until the next day. I am still way pre-TSM levels but creeped up and maintained those since month 10. I will say that life on TSM I am still in control when before I could spin out of said control any given day. Protocol, protocol, protocol! We are addicts, makes sense!!!

Hess, I read you first couple posts and your latest. I had enough in my 20's for most and enough in my 30's for most. I'm 42 now and wish I had heard of TSM 12 years ago. I just found it in January. I completely understand your issues. I'm gonna try and go AF today also. I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. It has been a long time for me (AF).

I will try and get caught up on reading the rest of your posts over then next few weeks.

Wow, so sorry to hear about the lapse. Seriously, take one day at a time. If you can get on an AF run, try to stay on it. "They say" you need 30 days AF to truly dry out. Stay AF as long as you can and when you can't take it anymore get back on the Nal and limit those drinks.

Keep us posted!

Hey all,

I was hoping to get back to posting regularly, but the truth is that I couldn't continue on with TSM. It just wasn't for me, or the type of alcoholic that I am. I am pretty confident that the method works if practiced correctly, but being the drunken disaster that I am, I kept convincing myself not to take the medication, or only take it when I was deep into a bender - which was pretty useless. The prospect of any type of drinking was just too much for me to reliably practice TSM. I kept chasing the high. I wasn't like one of Sinclair's rats, treated in a lab under a specific set of conditions and regulations...I was out in Chicago, trying to deal with alcoholism (pretty much on my own) in one of the greatest drinking towns in America.

The final straw was during my brother's bachelor party in NYC. I got completely sh*tfaced in front of family and friends, and ended up Irish exiting from the bar were at (extremely blacked out). I went missing for hours, with only vague memories of collapsing in an alley. I woke up the following morning in my hotel room ass-naked, bruised and bleeding. It was a weekend I was in charge of organizing for my brother - one of my favorite people in the world - and I was a complete disaster. My dad tagged along for the festivities and my actions broke his heart. He sat with me in the hotel lobby the next morning, and basically spilled his guts to me. I'd never seen my dad cry, and he tearfully told me he would do anything to help me stop drinking. He would quit himself if it helped me in any way. He told me he had spent years worrying that he would get a phone call one night saying that I was dead, and he thought the previous night was the big one. It was the worst night of his life. I told him I was sorry. I told him I couldn't keep doing this. I told him I would finally quit. After I dragged myself away from the hotel, I promised myself one final bender. I met up with a friend in Midtown and crushed every type of drink I could get my hands on. In doing so I ended up blacking out again, getting kicked out of Laguardia airport, missing my flight, and waking up in White Plains having no idea what state I was even in. I ended up catching an am flight back to Chicago, and I have not touched alcohol since. Honestly, it was a relief.

That was 47 days ago. Despite being apprehensive, I started attending AA meetings at the urging of my family. I'm not a particularly spiritual person, and the Higher Power aspect of the program will always be a mental hurdle for me to get over. I know AA doesn't get a lot of love on this board, which is totally fine - but I found it very helpful to be around others who had gone through the all the same sh*t that I went through. I particularly like the way Robert Downey Jr. puts it: "I don't pretend it didn't happen. More than anything, I have this sense that I'm a veteran of a war that is difficult to discuss with people who haven't been there." My favorite part of drinking was always the camaraderie - the implicit sense that a group of friends and strangers would get together and collectively let their guards down, relax, spill some secrets, act a little crazy. AA gives me a bit of that same fellowship, since talking with a bunch of strangers about all the drunken bullsh*t you put yourself through is another way to let your guard down and chill out.

The past month and a half has been an interesting one. Cravings have been fairly minimal, since I never loved the taste of alcohol, or truly enjoyed the feeling of being drunk (mainly because I typically sprinted past that feeling and ended up in oblivion). My drinking was always extremely compulsive, like smoking cigarettes. Honestly, the hardest part for me has been a fear of making others feel uncomfortable if I'm not drinking. When a round of shots comes out and I have to wave mine off, causing others to raise eyebrows...that sh*t is hard. Even so, I still go out all the time to bars, street festivals and music venues; I still buy rounds for others; I still stay out late and cause trouble. I just don't drink while doing so.

I'm just taking it day by day at this point; who knows how long I can keep it going. I'd like to post thoughts/experiences here occasionally, if that's cool with everyone. I certainly do not want to discourage anyone from trying TSM - look at my first post in this thread. Starting this program was an admission that I was a mess, and the year I spent with Nal was the first measure I took to getting my life under control. Unfortunately, I just couldn't close it out.

As always, thanks for reading.

Best,
H

Hey Hess -- Thanks for checking in. Was wondering about you. I'm glad you're finding a way out, any way out. Way to go on the 47 days and best wishes for a lifetime of more. You deserve to be healthy.

Yr pal,