Hey guys. I thought I'd just start one long thread instead of creating new ones (I'm figuring this website out!). To recap, I'm a long-time "troubled" drinker, started at age 12 . I drink almost all my drinks in secret (either in the closet or on the side of the house), which I've done since jr. high. I started TSM less than two weeks ago with some interesting results so far. I work three nights a week, so I already have three AF days built in, but on the four nights I typically drink anywhere from 4 to 10 drinks pretty compulsively for a weekly total of about 25-40 drinks on average. I would say I've been "addicted" to alcohol for the past 11 years or so; by that, I mean that I have consumed alcohol every day off, have done so compulsively, and have taken multiple risks while doing so (mostly drunk driving, but also some other crazy sh*t).

First week of TSM, three nights of three drinks, one night of two after spitting out a vodka shot in disgust (first time ever).

Here I am in week two and my thoughts are spinning. Tuesday night, I walk into my liquor store to get my two vodka minis (I keep minimal alcohol in the house as I can't stop drinking it). With no effort, I was like, "Meh," and just walked out. I didn't feel like it. Then, went home and had a couple of beers around 6:00pm, but didn't really feel drunk. Went to bed at 0.00 alcohol (I have a breathalyzer and keep track of BAC). I woke up at 6:00AM (an hour earlier than normal) feeling super refreshed. I worked out hard that day, got some reading done, and generally had a smile on my face. Then, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER TEN YEARS, I spent the next two nights at home without any alcohol -- not even a sip. I definitely wasn't "white knuckling" although I suppose it took a minimum of self-control.

Here are my thoughts thus far...
...although I've accomplished quite a bit the past ten years, it seems as though I've been under a spell of sorts. I'm feeling like, in a few more weeks or months, I will be back to my pre-addiction self and all I was into -- nightly runs, weight lifting, meditation, reading, playing games with the kids, all of which I've done way more of in the past two weeks than the previous several months combined.
...I don't want to have to regret so much lost time, but I can't help but feel a bit remorseful. Basically, for the past 10-11 years, I've "clocked out" of life at around 4:00 PM every day and pretty much guaranteed that my productivity and attentiveness to others all but disappears until the next morning.
...I don't trust myself enough yet. To me, it's obvious that Naltrexone works for me -- I've tried to quit so many times, with lots of emotions and "rah rah" enthusiasm -- only to last a couple hours. I don't remember ever experiencing a freedom from desire for alcohol like this before. But, I've also fallen many times in many areas, so I'm half-way waiting for my "dark side" (Mr. Hyde) to appear and tell me to stop taking the pill.
...On the positive side, Mr. Hyde generally doesn't appear until I'm buzzing pretty good and getting an endorphin rush, so I think TSM might keep him at bay.
...Finally, I feel a bit guilty about trying to take the "easy way out" by taking a pill to solve my problems. Alcohol recovery is supposed to be dramatic and difficult and full of tears and triumphs! I've tried that and failed miserably every time (literally not being able to make one day without falling), but still, this seems so un-dramatic that it's just weird to me.

Obviously, I'm still thinking a lot about booze, although I'm not craving it. I'll know I'm cured for good when I can go days without even thinking about it. I'm working tonight, but I'm definitely going to drink tomorrow night. Thanks for listening!

Barry, thanks for posting your story. Am thrilled to read that you see some real hope in TSM. And if a pill can fix it, why not? We don't need to do everything the "hard way". It's a long process tho for most people and even if you solve the addiction problem, you'll still have the habit problem to address.....Drinking most days after 4pm is also a habit so it will take a while for you to replace that with other things.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Well, I officially finished week two with just 4 drinks! I do feel a bit like a poser around here, but I promise you I really am a booze hound.
After my first drink last night (shot of vodka), I felt quite "f*cked up." I have frequently tried to guess my BAC with my breathalyzer based on how I feel (in case I ever get pulled over and have to decide to take the test or not -- sort of twisted). I've done this hundreds of times and generally get within a hundredth of my level (so, if I'm .075, I'll guess .074). Well, I felt just like .045 or so, but I blew a .015! That was weird. I later had another beer before dinner and blew a .014 after an hour. I also had to run several errands last night and passed my favorite liquor store over five times. Generally, I would stop in each time and grab a couple more shots or beers. For the past ten years, I would almost without exception have been quite drunk last night (it had all my favorite triggers and I was in the mood to drink all day); still, with no willpower or effort, that weird pill got me through without even touching .02.

I'm not planning on drinking tonight as I'm into a book and can't drink and read. I'm very thankful right now.

Well, week three has come and gone and I'm at my "ultimate goal" point (at least for now), which is just two nights of drinking and only two drinks on those nights (for a total of just four drinks!). I've calculated that for every Nal pill I've taken I've had negative 11 drinks or so, which is a great return on investment. Thursday night I had mild cravings and decided to drink. I was in the mood to drink and feeling a bit rebellious, but I did take my pill an hour before. Needless to say, I only had two drinks. It was quite pleasurable but I was definitely "done" after two. Zero desire for more. Wow!!!

Thoughts for the week...
*It's so liberating to know that I don't have to give up alcohol forever. When I used to think about quitting "for good" as AA suggests, my addicted mind would flash forward to weddings, parties, nights at the boat club, the beach, romantic dinners, and I would just give up -- "What's the point of stopping when I know I'm just going to drink again?" I have to keep reminding myself that, with TSM, I can drink whenever and whatever I want as long as I take my pill one hour beforehand.
*I can't help but think, as the fog is clearing my mind, how many times our friends and their families have seen me drunk (at church, at every conceivable events, every party). Nobody, including my wife, has ever said a thing about it, but I wonder who knows.

"It's the simple things in life, like the kids at home and a loving wife, that you miss the most when you lose control. And everything you love starts to disappear. The devil takes your hand and says, 'No fear. Have another shot, just one beer.' I've been there, that's why I'm here." KENNY CHESNEY- "THAT'S WHY I'M HERE"

So, this is my one month report (in case anyone is actually reading this thread!). Each week has been interesting, and this past one was no exception. I had my first social outing since starting, and had a very special sober Saturday night. Also, my "addictive voice" (the Beast) has reared its ugly head. Total drinks: 1/2 glass of wine, 1 rum and coke, 1/2 beer, 5 AF days!

The social outing was a fundraiser with an open bar serving frat-strength drinks (I had to specially order a "weak one, just a little rum"). I was able to stay completely sober and enjoy my time. I'm actually way more fun and interesting when I'm sober because when I'm drunk I usually become quiet and don't want to talk much so people don't smell my boozy breath. When sober, I'm gregarious and (dare I say) quite funny. Anyway, the take home from that night was a friend who was at the same table who became completely drunk right before my eyes. About halfway through, he came back to the table with four mixed drinks. He slammed them. He started to get loud and heckle the MC. Then, during what was supposed to be an inspirational slide show with music, he jumped on the stage and started dancing and clapping his hands above his head to get the audience to clap with him. Nobody clapped! Then, he proceeded to go to the bar again and get a quadruple scotch on the rocks! We were standing around at that point and he came up to me (of all people) to try to get me to go onto stage with him and dance. By then my BAC was 0.00%, his breath smelled, and he had already embarassed our table, so I was quite pissed (pissed as in angry, not drunk). I wanted to punch him, but instead took a fake phone call on my cell phone, put a finger in my other ear (I'm a great actor), and proceeded to walk away. Wow. It was a great learning experience for me -- I have done stupid stuff like that before, but it was especially interesting to soberly watch someone get drunk like that. In a sense, he damaged his whole family's reputation. My wife, for example, decided our daughter will not be allowed to stay over night there because, "he can't handle his liquor."

On to Saturday night. O.K., normally, I would have been sh*t-faced on this night, but had nothing to drink. At 10:00, one of my kids was febrile and my wife sent me to the store to get Tylenol. I normally would have done the Zombie Walk through the grocery store, hoping to God I don't see anyone I know because they could see (and smell) my drunkeness. It was nice just strolling through the store with a smile on my face. Then, at 10:30, my teenager called and said she and a friend got left behind at school and we needed to get them right away. I was quite grateful to be sober at that point -- it's the simple things in life...that you miss the most.

On to the addictive voice (a term from rational recovery)... It has been rearing it's head this week to inform me that TSM is just a fad for me and that I'm going to give it up pretty soon and start secret drinking again. It also informed me that a year from now, I'll be right back where I started.

However, I have disproven some of the blatant lies the beast has been telling me during the past 11 years when I was hooked on alcohol...
**You need alcohol to sleep...O.K., not true it turns out. Sure, I don't pass out as soon as I hit the pillow (I often couldn't even remember going to bed since I'd fall asleep so fast). It takes me about 10-15 minutes now, but (a) those few minutes are nice and relaxing and I have "snuggled" with my wife way more than in the past -- I used to avoid snuggling so she didn't smell my breath, or because I was too drunk -- how sad, and (b) I sleep soundly, have nice dreams, and don't have that awful awakening at 4:30AM when the alcohol finally wears off.
**Sex is better with alcohol...Not true, it turns out. All my ED problems were related to alcohol. Plus, if my wife wants a drink to relax a bit, I don't feel like I need one, too.
**Special times are more special...Another lie I believed. It's simply not true, especially given how I tune out when drinking.

First four week totals: 11,4,4,2

On to the second month! (My wife suggested I give up alcohol for Lent, which I'm considering. 40 days straight. I've tried before and usually break down by Ash Wednesday night).

My wife's out of town...PARTY!!! Major trigger (probably #1). Wow, I used to get smashed when she would go out of town. For a secret drinker, I could finally relax and just get sloppy. I used to stay up until 1 or 2 with rum and beer, watching concert videos until I passed out (or go "drunk shopping" online). Took my Naltrexone, waited an hour...a very lame party indeed. Two drinks, then I had some ice cream. BAC .011. I STILL have a half-empty bottle of wine in the bar (3 weeks counting) and a six pack of beer in the garage.

Finished "The Cure for Alcoholism" today and listened to a podcast with Dr. Eskapa and that science-fiction lady who promotes TSM. I like her attitude better, I must say, as she's way more optomistic about the near-instant cure that some people like me experience with naltrexone. Eskapa makes it sound as though NOBODY can be "cured" in less than three months. Using my breathalyzer as a judge, I haven't even been in the same zipcode as drunk in about five weeks since starting TSM and have almost no desire to drink. Big Mardi Gras party at our house Saturday, WOO HOO. I used to have at least 4-6 drinks before the guests arrived, and then kept on going. I remember drunkenly trying to fry beignets on an outside propane stove (with lots of kids watching) and damn-near burning myself. Mostly I remember being quiet and not talking to people since I'm such a party-pooper when I'm drunk. I am 100% certain that I will not be drunk at this party -- it's almost inconceivable at this point. Looking forward to talking with some old friends.

On a side note, Eskapa did mention that, for some people, Nal heightens motor deficits with alcohol. Yes, I have to be sure to really NOT drive, even if I've just had one. The other night, I'm driving after one beer and feeling a bit odd. I'm trying to turn left and clearly have a green arrow to do so, but a whole line of oncoming traffic was coming as though THEY had a green light. I was freakin' confused and still don't know what happened. I felt very drunk-drivey-ish at that point. Sure, I would have blown <.02, but I was definitely impaired.

Very true and any amount of alcohol or medication can get you a DUI or DWI regardless of BAC. It can be determined you are impaired. If your going to have anything please do not drive, it is not worth the risk to either yourself or others. If I go out and am driving I have zero to that point with people in our situation what is the point? Over the last year on TSM my best nights out did not involve alcohol.

Kudos on your progress and welcome to the TSM journey, best of luck!

Finished week five...The week saw a Super Bowl party, my wife being out of town for one night, AND a Mardi Gras party. I did well. Total of 7.5 drinks for the week (5.5 beers, 2 vodka minis). I finished "The Cure for Alcoholism" and am ready for Lent, which begins Wednesday. I've been debating back and forth with myself, but I think I'll try to go the whole Lent AF (maybe 1 on Sundays, which don't count in the "40 days" of Lent). If I get ridiculous cravings (which I'm doubting), then I'll have to reconsider.

Just a little update... I'm in the middle of week 8 and things are going well. My wife is out of town for 2 nights and I was home with the kids last night with severe weather around, so we were stuck inside (booze inventory in the house: 1/3 bottle of red wine, 10 beers, one unopened bottle of wine, all left over from our Mardi Gras party). Severe weather and my wife being gone are usually two reasons to drink heavy (and, again, stay up late watching music videos). I figured all day that I would drink, maybe "alot." I never got around to it, so this would make the first time EVER IN MY HISTORY that I did not drink when my wife was out of town, so that was something. I did watch a great rockumentary "Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage" with my teenager (we're both avid drummers) and it was awesome. Gene Simmons from KISS was telling the story about how they used to tour together and there would be women lined up in the hotel hall ready to have sex with all the rock stars, but RUSH would just hang out in their rooms and read. Gene said, "Who the f*ck does that?" Great line.

Anyway, I did have one beer over the weekend after Nal and, man, I had a serious head rush. I think my tolerance has gone down a lot, which is fine with me. My cravings on a scale of 0 to 10 is probably about a 1-2, which I can handle. I'm so weak-willed that I usually cave at about a 4.

Now that the spell has been broken for me (with only 17 pills taken so far), I'm returning to so many things that I used to be interested in, including spirituality and charity work. My exercising has been going great, too -- looking buff-ish! I'm looking forward to declaring myself "cured" at the end of March and moving on from all this bullsh*t. Life is too short to be an alcoholic.

Well spoken again Barry.

Big coincidence here. My wife is leaving Friday for a mother-daughter Chicago trip. And yes, "cats a way, booze all day", has been my past method of operation. I will worry about the weekend when it gets here, but today, I'm gonna shoot for an AF day. I have not had one long before TSM and currently none during TSM and I'm in week 6.