Aw, El, I am sorry! It's so hard to know what to say in these situations. We are out of the realm of TSM and alcohol problems. Talking about your personal life and relationship is difficult because in reality, we don't know each other. Yet, I wish I could say something comforting, at least, and be able to give some awesome advice, at best. But I can't...

5 years is a long time to be in a relationship and I understand that you don't want to throw that away. This time apart from each other might be a good opportunity for both of you to really think about what you want from each other and from a relationship in general. It's a good time for you to think about what you want and need.

Try to avoid the temptation to wonder what he is feeling and thinking or what he needs. Even after 5 years together, you really can't know that, in fact, chances are that he doesn't even know what he really feels/needs himself. So just focus on yourself and your feelings and needs.

Does the relationship make you happy?
Does he make you feel good about yourself?
Does he make you feel loved and valued?
Does he bring out the best in you?
Do you feel that he respects you?
Do you feel that he understands you?
Do you feel that he needs you?
Does he respect your boundaries?
Does he make you feel safe?
Does he give you confidence?
Do you trust him?
Does he try to "fix" you?
Does he try to control you?

Sometimes we can get comfortable in a relationship because we'd rather be with someone than be alone, sometimes we're not even aware of this. This could be the case for you, or for him, or for neither or both of you... It's crucial to know the answer to that question.

What is your gut telling you? Is it saying that he really wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt you? Or is it telling you that he is depressed and doesn't think he is worthy or deserving of a loving relationship?

Take your time. Don't make any decisions right now. Focus on yourself, on your feelings and your needs, not his. Take care of you.

Curi

El... I am sorry to hear your struggles with your relationship. I empathize because I lived a similar situation with my long time ex, a seldom drinker she reflected her alcoholic father onto me. Her abandonment and self-confidence issues drove me insane to the point of the heaviest drinking in my life. Ultimately finding TSM gave me the rational mind to move past it and greatly improve my life.



Great words of wisdom here, Curi!

Hi everyone,
First of all, please bear with me in the fact that my posts are not entirely about drinking and TSM. I am still taking nal (almost) religiously and generally things have been good with the drinking. I have been able to generally stop after 2-3 drinks because I feel tired and kind of bloated, so that's a plus. Last night, however, I did go on a bit of a tear - but the thing is, I know that I CHOSE to get drunk.
Which brings me to the non-alcohol point. My boyfriend finally broke up with my on Friday and ultimately the breakup had nothing to do with my drinking or anything I did/didn't do - he loves me, but has doubts and needs to work on his own mental health and emotional maturity first. Well then Saturday he texted me all day, telling me he was weeping and couldn't handle being broken up etc. He showed up at my door Saturday evening completely devastated and begged me to take him back (biggest mistake of his life, no one else has ever made him so happy, etc). I did, warily. Then Monday night he moved back in and then ... broke up with me again! Said that his doubts had not gone away, that it just felt wrong, and he felt like he was trapped etc. He did agree to finally get psychiatric help, though, because it seems like he is having a bit of breakdown (saying things like, i don't know who i am, i don't know what to do, i am destroying everything i care about but I can't stop myself, etc). In a sense, as horrible of a breakup as it was, it was really amicable. Which I thought would make things easier. It has not. For the first few days I think I was in shock - I went about my day, kept busy, and was ridiculously in control of my drinking. And then last night happened. It was Valentine's day (ow), which is also our anniversary (more ow) and my boyfriend was also coming to move out the rest of his stuff while i was out with friends (triple ow). I drank with a mission, even though I KNOW that it would not make things better in the long run. Today I have completely lost it. I've just been sobbing for hours at a time, unable to accept the fact that he is no longer in my life and that I have lost my partner and best friend and that I don't even really understand WHY, especially since he's also sad and still loves me. I hate to sound like an emo teenager, but I am in SO MUCH PAIN I don't even know how people get through this. I am unable to do anything other than cry.

Hi El,

I'm so sorry about your heart ache. It really sucks to have to deal with crap like this. Honestly I don't know how folks can handle this type of pain. But I just wanted you to know that I support you! And as I said maybe before to you, things happen for a reason. You may not realize it now but there IS someone wonderful out there for you. You deserve the best that life has to offer. So don't cut yourself short. This pain is temporary and WILL NOT LAST. One day in the near future, I just know you will wake up and realize you've pulled yourself out from under this fog. You will see clearly that it was for the best. Your future is bright! You are young and free. I hope you find comfort in knowing all of this! Forge ahead and things will be better for you in SPRING 2013!

I hope you feel better very soon.

Best wishes,

Aw, EL, I'm so sorry to read this. I really feel for you!!

You have the right, and you are right to feel sad and upset and grieving.

And crying and writing your feelings are very healthy ways of dealing with it. Going out to get drunk might not be the healthiest way of dealing with all this, but I'll be damned if I know anyone who wouldn't, and hasn't, done the same, in a similar situation, drinking problem, or not.

Just keep chugging along with your Nal, don't think about it, take your pill before your drink and focus on the other stuff.

I know it's easy for me to say this, but I want to strongly encourage you not to take him back if he asks again. It's not fair to you, he can't have it both ways- I love you, I love you not. You deserve better than that, and so does he.Taking him back and letting him leave as the urge takes him is doing neither of you any good, it's soul destroying.

A possible solution might be to agree not to see or communicate with each other for a set period, a week, a month, 3 months, whatever you feel comfortable with.

Try to remember that, as Nayway says, you won't always feel like this, whatever happens, you will feel better, it will pass. Hang in there!

Hugs

Curi

Dear EL,

I have never communicated with you via this forum ( I am new))
But i read all about what's happened with your relationship an BF leaving..

I know how you feel. As you'll never get over it and will always be really sad and down and crying etc.
But believe me you will not!

My husband walked out last May. We were married 1999 and together for about four years before getting married. And we have two children. He also tried to say it's my drinking, me being this and that and not being this and that. And he said i bullied him into marring me and that he was always unhappy with me and so many other horrible things.

And I felt horrid and cried all the time and could not imagine how live will be after he moves out….
And then I realised actually we were not really happy together; we were living under the same roof but not really sharing a life. I looked through my diaries of past years ( I keep diaries with events etc. ) and so how many time he’d made me really miserable.
Basically he never appreciated anything I did and criticised me all the time, excepted me to have no feelings etc.. Anyway this is drifting into my situation.
What I am trying to say even if right now it seems impossible you will move on and be happy again one day!
Best of luck!

Thanks everyone for the support, I really appreciate it. I've decided to take a mental health vacation I'm going out to the West Coast to stay with friends for a couple of weeks and then my brother and his family (and my 1 year old niece!) for another week. I'm bringing work (the joys of freelancing) so it shouldn't be too costly after all the plane tickets. I'm really thinking it will be good to clear my head and get a change of scenery. What is really difficult about being here is that the bf and I are still in contact, because we both still love each other and are pretty miserable apart. My parents seem pretty sure he's just having an existential crisis and will be back, we'll see. In the meantime I guess I have to take care of me.

What a great idea, EL! I hope you enjoy your trip and that it allows both of you to get some perspective.

Curi