Hi EL, I was really delighted to see your last post and see that things have made a turn for the better. I too suffer from periodic depression which has been one of my triggers for drinking. I've started taking St John's Wort which has helped elevate my mood and there reduce the tendency for me to start thinking about having a drink for a pick-me-up.

I know it's one day at a time for most of us here. Hope each day continues to be better for you.

Glad to see things have turned around for you ElectraLou! Depression is a dark, ugly beast. And a vicious cycle when we are actively drinking. The more I drink, the worse I feel. I also take an anti-depressant, which helps a lot with the depression and anxiety.

I agree with Chrissie, how the Nal removes the hyper-sensitivity to alcohol, evening the playing field. We are all so lucky to live in this day and age to be able to take advantage of the marvels of modern medicine.

Stay positive, drink less, live more, beeee happy!

Take care.

Hi EL, thanks for checking in on me!

And I'm sure glad to read your last couple of posts, depression stinks!! But even people who don't suffer from depression get S.A.D. (Winter Blues), November has to be THE worst month of the year! Some possible remedies include: Light Therapy, Vitamin D, Melatonin and Exercise. Hang in there, it WILL pass.

Curi

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_a ... #Treatment

Well, checking in again during what is probably one of the worst patches of my life thus far. Drinking has been a roller coaster - some days, weeks of no drinking or insanely moderate drinking, the occasional blow-out that seems to get more and more out of control each time. During the holidays both of my (remaining) grandparents died, and I saw just how much my family does not process emotion. Meanwhile, out of what seemed to be the blue for me, my boyfriend (of almost five years, 1.5 years living together or so) comes out with basically every grievance in the book. I drink too much, he's not sure if he can deal with watching it anymore (his mother was a very bad alcoholic - 15 years sober but just had her first and only relapse last month) and he feels like we dont' communicate when I'm drinking and then that segueways into he's not sure if he's cut out for monogamy, he made out with this other girl and now is wondering if he has feelings for her, but probably he's just freaking out because he's getting older, but he's worried that we are in a loving companionship rather than a romantic, sexual relationship (uhl.... 5 years, yes that happens sometimes). And everything just tumbles out at once and this is the first conversation we've really had about all of this (other than conversations where I have talked about steps towards drinking less) and it's so much to process and basically he tells me he is unsure about the whole relationship, when here i'd thought we were rock solid and in it for the long haul, and he's got one foot out the door. And then a week goes by and we're both communicating, I'm not drinking, we're spending quality time together and everything seems to be moving forward. and then bam! another conversation and he says that the last week has been weird, as though we've been pretending things were like before, even though I thought we were working on things, and he's STILL unsure, and STILL has one foot out the door. But of course there is nowhere really for him to GO to (his family and most of his friends being in England) so he's still living with me while he is trying to make up his mind? I am going insane and I drank too much on Saturday night and now I am just having one long protracted panic attack. It's not even a hangover anymore really, it's just that I can't stop crying and imagining worst case scenarios and I'm not sure how I am supposed to process all of this. Like I said, although we aren't married, I really did think this was The relationship, and I thought we were in agreement over this. My single biggest fear about confrontation is that every confrontation leads to breaking up (my ex boyfriend threatened this every time... and even threatened suicide a few times) and LO AND BEHOLD the very first conversation we have about this stuff my bf says he should maybe leave and move out and anyways, he's going to russia for three months next month, maybe he should just leave now...
Anyways, I am having panic attacks and freaking out and although I am going to go backa to no more than 1 drink for the foreseeable future I don't know if the damage is already done and he is going to leave anyways, I feel like I cannnot handle that.

Lou,

At first I was happy to see that you posted here again, however after reading your post I was not happy at all. You and I have been on this path for quite a long time. We knew at the beginning that it would be a long journey but I am sure that neither of us expected it to be two years! That being said, I think that we both agree that our drinking is much improved from where it was two years ago. I sometime shutter to think back and remember that very dark place that I lived in back before TSM.

As far as your relationship goes, to me it seems that he is just trying to end the relationship before he F**ks off to Russia for three months. The holidays are always a trigger for drinking, even among people that don't have the problems that we share, but you add on top of that the death of loved ones and it would drive anyone over the edge. The important thing is that you do not let this or the fact that you BF is not being supportive to derail your progress. DO NOT GIVE IN!!!

We are here to support you.

Diver

Thanks Diver - after much, much talking it has come out that yeah, the drinking was a bit of a lightening rod for an argument. It's true that my boyfriend doesn't drink much, partially because he comes from an alcoholic family, and so it's hard for him to see me get drunk and self-destructive, even if that is infrequently these days. But it turns out that he is unhappy in the relationship for a whole lot of other, selfish and immature reasons. After almost five years together he tells me that he's not sure about monogamy, and he might want to sleep with other people, but he doesn't want to hurt me, and doesn't want to ruin what a good thing we have, and etc and etc and it's so confusing because he's so confused. It's really hard to live with. His line was basically "my heart wants to stay but my penis wants to stray". Uhm, ok. Incidentally if he needs to go sleep with random people in Russia for three months to get his kicks I really don't give a **** (we were originally polyamorous when our relationship started). But he's just being immature and committment=phobic and I guess what's so scary about that to me is that I thought, at five years, we were PAST the point where that might happen. GRRRRRR.
But yes, drinking=wise, for now I'm not drinking. If I think I'm going to have a glass of wine, I'll pop a nal, but I'm generally trying to keep a clear head. Drinking and this kind of emotional distress is just a recipe for disaster
EL

Hi EL, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandparents and for the difficult time you are going through right now. I'm afraid that I have no words of wisdom or advice that I could give you, except to say that I am thinking of you!

Curi

Yup, you're getting it from all sides, family & BF. If he wants to run, better now than later on I suppose, but it sure doesn't make it any easier

Like Gotthegene, your experience w/ TSM has been a lot more difficult because of the ongoing side effects. Good for you, discovering that taking Nal 2 hours before is helpful.

Keep the faith, m'dear...I often was encouraged by remembering your quote that "if this is as good as it gets, it's good enough." And another favorite was in referring to the "2 drink buzz" being the ultimate, and all you need. So I hope you will keep taking the Nal and not let Demon Alcohol start sneaking up on you again...

Hi everyone,
I am hanging in there. Oddly enough, my drinking has been pretty fine - I've drank one weekend night each of the last two weeks, and that's it. However, one of those nights was definitely a big, late night, and my hangover the next day was pretty crippling. But I am also going through an incredibly emotionally stressful time of my life right now, so I'll take 5-6 afs a week even if it means one blowout on the weekend.
So my boyfriend is moving out tomorrow, it is supposedly not permanent but a week-long way for him to get some space and think about what he wants. I asked him to do this because it was too painful to keep living together while he told me that he had one foot out the door and we were basically living like strangers. Oddly enough, once that decision was made things have been... apparently good? on the surface? we've had a nice time, been affectionate, etc. But then tonight my boyfriend had a meltdown and now I'm feeling less certain that my "strategy" will work. I am hoping that being alone and unhappy he will realize that he doesn't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater - the vast majority of our time together is GREAT, and I suspect he's just freaked out about this being the longest relationship he's been in. But tonight he is having one of his (weekly?) depression spirals, where he hates himself, hates life, is self-destructive and see himself as doomed to repeat all his bad old patterns. I can't say that this is new, but I'm afraid now that he will spend the week spinning in depression and that won;t get us anywhere I'm at my rope's end. I am absolutely not ready and not prepared to let him trash this relationship, especially for what is apparently little to no reason (the reason ultimately being that he is depressed and doesn't think he is worthy or deserving of a loving relationship - his words, not mine).I have to say that I don't understand how anyone ever gets over a divorce or anything like that — I simply cannot imagine myself getting over this relationship, moving on and finding someone else. I feel like I've invested too much in this relationship, and w'ere too compatible in so many ways for me to find anything nearly as good.

Oh EL,

I'm so sorry about what's happened with BF. but I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Hold fast with open arms and maybe he will come to his senses. Give him space and just hold on. It's amazing that you can see through all of this level headed and able to think out a strategy.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way and wishing you all the best. I strongly believe things happen for a reason.

Keep trucking and best wishes.