Last day of week 6. Week 5 was easy, three days down with a cold, no inclination whatsoever to drink! Overall, though, I see my units per session sneaking up, mainly due to slyly pouring more than one unit per cocktail. Still experiencing a stubborn, perverse attraction to getting away with something. Definitely something to watch and work on. Why on earth isn't just having a standard drink good enough? Or for that matter, saying straight out that I'm gonna mix myself a strong one? Otherwise, context of drinking remains benign, evenings at home, usually with wife, absolutely no temptation to buy a bottle when I'm out running errands or pursuing my primary hobby. Hope all this is proving of some value to anyone out there who is trying to "recover from total abstinence" without falling back over the cliff.

Week 1: 4 AF, avg. on drinking days 1u
Week 2: 1 AF, avg. on drinking days 2u (high 4u)
Week 3: 3 AF, avg. on drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 4: 3 AF, avg. on drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 5: 5AF, avg. on drinking days 4u (high 5u)
Week 6: 2AF, 13u so far …

I remain fascinated by your very different approach to TSM, and impressed w/ your success. You started out imposing willpower, while I think a lot of us avoid that for a while, until we think we've gotten more control from the Nal build-up. I admit I careened into TSM w/o a plan - just waiting to see what would happen. Fortunately, I got a pretty good reduction right away, still...

It also appears you may be a rapid responder and haven't had to wrestle w/ too many cravings??? At any rate, good job and please keep posting.

Yes, cravings are very manageable, thank goodness. Wouldn't normally post again until next weekend, but had an interesting experience last night. Poured my usual sneaky one-drink-but-three+-units Bloody Mary, in fact poured the vodka and surrepticiously chugged a good third of it before adding the other ingredients. But as soon as I started sipping on the cocktail I was struck by a "Yuck, to tell the truth I'd rather just have the juice" reaction. Finished the drink -- hey, one doesn't waste booze, right? -- but with very little enthusiasm. Gotta think this is a NAL effect, and if so, a good one that I can't ever remember experiencing before. More news to follow, but wanted to share that hopeful experience with others who may be following my path.

Hi, Ellpee, just read through your posts with interest. I'm back for a second try with naltrexone. I had success the first time and was able to moderate quite well. However as time passed I found my control slipping and drinking once again became more of a focus than I could handle.

In your case can I make a suggestion? I remember reading in the TSM book about the "pecking at the lever" phenomenon. Once alcohol was removed from the lab subject animals they would peck harder and harder at the lever to try to get their tipple. (Have I got that right? Someone can chime in and correct me...)

I'm wondering if that is what you are doing? When you drink now with naltrexone you are not getting the same effect as you did in past years and you may be gulping more down, sneakily, to try to get that old buzz back - pecking at the lever like the poor rats or chickens or whatever were used in the experiments. I find myself doing just that, even though I know if I want more I can always simply pour another glass - no need to gulp so DH won't see me.

I'm really enjoying your experiment. I'm trying to learn moderation after many attempts to quit. I've used naltrexone with some success which didn't last. I've tried Topamax with some success but could not endure the horrendous side effects, and now going to give naltrexone another go. This time I'm going to forget about abstinence which does not seem a reasonable goal for me at this time in my life. I think adding AF days to each week until I feel comfortable is the way to go. That's why your experiment seems such an interesting one.

We're kind of waiting with bated breath, Eric. Hold on to yourself!! We're rooting for your continued control and comfort with your drinking.

Pattern continues, almost getting boring because there haven't been any big swings. Pleased to say some days no interest at all in having anything to drink; today (Week 9.2) is one of them, got a whole lot of physical exercise today and this geezer is just too pooped to pop a cork. After experimenting around for several weeks with a whole bunch of booze I thought I missed and would really enjoy, I'm finding that a couple glasses of Lambrusco is as enjoyable as anything else and a whole lot cheaper.

Am now wondering about broadening my experiment to away-from-home drinking; except for one restaurant beer it has all been evenings at home with wifey, might want to try visiting a winery or going to a brew pub or some such, just to see how it goes. Can't get carried away too badly considering the tough DWI laws, right? Best to all out on the forum; remember my mantra: NAL is only half the battle, gotta work on the ol' head too.

Week 1: 3u, 4 AF, avg. on 3 drinking days 1u
Week 2: 11.5u, 1 AF, avg. on 6 drinking days 2u (high 4u)
Week 3: 9u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 4: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 5: 12u, 5af, avg on 3 drinking days 4u (high 5u)
Week 6: 16u, 2AF, avg on 5 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 7: 5.5u, 5AF, avg. on 2 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 8: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 3u (high 3u)
Week 9: 3, 0, …

Hi ellpee, glad things are going well for you. Yes, it might be a good idea to extinguish some external triggers. I'll bet you will find the same indifference and be fine to drive. Let us know how it goes!!

So, the beat goes on, no big changes for the better or for the worse, which I guess is a good thing. I'm lucky enough to have no NAL side effects, and cravings are very low level; when I find myself thinking about booze at inappropriate times, it's been pretty easy to think myself out of it. The one thing that continues to bother me about every drinking session is that persistent "you're not the boss of me" and "nanny-nanny-boo-boo, fooled you, fooled you" feeling that causes me to sneak a little more into my glass or top off the drink out in the kitchen without spousal knowledge. That's totally irrational, as she is very much okay with me doing TSM and seems satisfied with the results so far, so no reason at all I should have those kinds of things going on in my head. I do recognize it, obviously, and have not yet let it get out of control, but that's precisely what was going on with me when I had my last REALLY BAD drinking episode back in December. Ditched the Mrs. at a street fair and chugged 36 ounces of Chardonnay in about 15 minutes, all the while thinking I was pulling the wool over her eyes, when of course like most partners of alcoholics she could read me in about five seconds any time I got smashed. Having those same kinds of feelings now is disturbing to me, even though I'm dealing with them without any drastic consequences.

Going out for a nice dinner Friday, at which time I shall get in some practice at PUBLIC drinking. Haven't done much of that so far, a beer on two occasions I believe. My pre-TSM stretch goal of no more than 10u/wk is eluding me, but have stayed well south of 20, so not too bad.

Time to prowl some of the other threads and see how the rest of you are doing.

Week 1: 3u, 4 AF, avg. on 3 drinking days 1u
Week 2: 11.5u, 1 AF, avg. on 6 drinking days 2u (high 4u)
Week 3: 9u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 4: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 5: 12u, 5af, avg on 3 drinking days 4u (high 5u)
Week 6: 16u, 2AF, avg on 5 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 7: 5.5u, 5AF, avg. on 2 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 8: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 3u (high 3u)
Week 9: 14.5u, 2 AF, avg. on 5 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 10: 0, 2.5, 0, 0, 2.5, ……

Halfway through week 12 of "Inverse TSM" -- trying to return from total AF to controlled, moderate, social drinking without relapsing back into my old destructive pattern.

The pattern has stayed very consistent, 2-3 AF days each week and daily units almost always less than four. Urge to sneak more (pour doubles, take a quick pull from the bottle, etc.) troubled me through most of this time, less so the last couple weeks. Definitely have not binged while out and around; most drinking has been at home, a couple times in restaurants. Interaction with wife about TSM and my drinking with NAL has been interesting. She starts getting uneasy when I pour drink #2, and doubly so if I take a drink or the remainder of a drink to bed with me (I typically read for awhile before going to sleep). Something about that causes her anxiety, as she perceives it as solitary drinking (we have separate bedrooms due to different mattress preferences). When she expresses that fear it makes me feel some rebelliousness that, back in the day, would have been justification for topping off the glass and doing it anyway just to "show her." Part of the head work I need to do along with TSM.

So all in all I feel like I'm succeeding so far in what I want to achieve; thing is, I really can't point to anything very specific that says it's due to NAL/TSM. That, in turn, leads me to wonder if I could be equally successful without the NAL. I have enough for another couple months before I need a new scrip, guess for now there's no need to rock the boat. But I foresee having to resolve that question in my mind in the fall. I don't have any real objection to taking NAL forever, no side effects, but there's a part of me that wants to be independent of both AL and NAL. Dangerous path to travel?


Week 1: 3u, 4 AF, avg. on 3 drinking days 1u
Week 2: 11.5u, 1 AF, avg. on 6 drinking days 2u (high 4u)
Week 3: 9u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 4: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg on 4 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
MONTH 1: 35U, 11AF, AVG ON 17 DRINKING DAYS 2U
Week 5: 12u, 5AF, avg on 3 drinking days 4u (high 5u)
Week 6: 16u, 2AF, avg on 5 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 7: 5.5u, 5AF, avg. on 2 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 8: 11.5u, 3 AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 3u (high 3u)
MONTH 2: 45U, 15 AF, AVG. ON 13 DRINKING DAYS 3.5U
Week 9: 14.5u, 2 AF, avg. on 5 drinking days 3u (high 4u)
Week 10: 8.5u, 3AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 2u (high 2.5u)
Week 11: 9.5u, 3AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 2.5u (high 3u)
Week 12: 0, 1.5, 2, 0, …

It's always hard to disentangle correlation, cause and placebo effects. You're only 12 weeks into TSM at this point and seem to be getting good results, so I would say: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. According to other accounts on this board, the true TSM effect can take 6-18 months to fully manifest so you've probably got a ways to go. You can always try no-Nal drinking later on.

More of the same. Daughter and S-in-L visiting soon, looking forward to having an occasional drink while they're here. He's big into home brewing, it'll feel good (I think) to have one or two with him, a further sign of return to normalcy. My feelings while drinking still include that streak of defiance with regard to my wife's concerns; when she shows discomfort over my refilling my glass, or taking half a drink to bed to finish off while I'm reading, there's still a voice in my head saying "Screw you, I'll drink when, where, and as much as I like!" I'm not actually saying or doing it -- I'm not that crazy! -- but I'm still feeling it, and it's proving a tough thing to overcome.

Getting close to time to return to our winter home, where I was doing a lot of AA in the spring. Having to grapple with what if anything to do about that. Things are going well enough that I don't really want to attend AA or SOS any more, but a few of the folks there were very kind, good friends. I feel like I have to 'fess up to them, but dread their reactions to my dropping out of their program. Still have a couple months, so will let it simmer in the back of my mind for now.

(four-week "months")
MONTH 1: 35U, 11AF, AVG ON 17 DRINKING DAYS 2U
MONTH 2: 45U, 15 AF, AVG. ON 13 DRINKING DAYS 3.5U
MONTH 3: 42U, 11 AF, AVG. ON 17 DRINKING DAYS 2.5U
Week 13: 12u, 3AF, avg. on 4 drinking days 3u (max 3u)
Week 14: 2u, o.5u, 2u, 0, 2.5u, …