Hi all,

Just wanted to check in and give a quick update. I'm still trucking along, but I've had some weeks that look terrible on paper due to some crazy vacations.

Last week I travelled to Copenhagen, Denmark for two nights and then drove across the Oresund to southern Sweden for a wedding. I had the goddamn time of my life in Scandinavia. I drank a lot and the nights did get a bit blurry towards the end, but in no way was I a liability, and I partied with the Danes until the wee hours (the first night I was there, I bar-hopped until 8:30 am...and totally kept it under control*).

*I should note that this trip would've been a disaster if it had been a year ago. I didn't see a single police officer when I was abroad, but I guarantee if I was drinking like 2011 Hesster, I would've ended up in Danish prison. This was also the first trip I've taken in years where I didn't worry about f*cking the entire thing up. God, that is a good feeling.

I met a ton of amazing people out there, including a girl who may be my Danish soulmate. She was beautiful, funny, smart as a whip and had an encyclopedic knowledge of Michael Jackson's discography. It was such a great time, and I can see why people speak so highly of the region. I didn't want to come home.

On the home front, I've been having trouble with AF days lately and I find myself not taking Nal when I just want to have a few and relax. I need to get refocused in that regard, as my graph is starting to creep way back up. It's one thing to have a few heavy days/nights when I'm on vacation, but all the random 3-6 unit week nights are starting to add up and ruin my overall totals. I'll get it sorted out.

In other news, I successfully survived the Tough Mudder two weeks ago, escaping with just bruises and a jammed finger. SUCCESS.

I've got one more vacation (a wedding out in Seattle next weekend) before things begin to settle down in August. For the first time since I was bitten by the travel bug in 2005, I am remarkably burned out on travelling. It will be nice to keep it local while the summer wraps up.

All the best to my fellow TSM'ers.

-H

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Quick aside...

I was watching "The Lost World - Jurassic Park" last night, and thought I heard one of the scientists mention Naltrexone. Then I dug this up...

At 1:47:26 on the DVD, Sarah is informed by an InGen man that Roland had shot the rex twice with carfentanil to tranquilize it and then it was given naltrexone on the ship when it stopped breathing. Both are real world drugs. Carfentanil is an opioid intended only for use in tranquilizing large animals. Naltrexone is an opioid receptor antagonist, which would halt the effect of the carfentanil on the tyrannosaur. This is what made the tyrannosaur wake up and, according to Sarah's comments, even put it in a narcoleptic state, making it a locomotive (which might explain how it was able to break free from the cage on deck).

Not only is it hilarious to think about a T-Rex getting dosed with Naltrexone and then steamrolling San Diego, but it also reinforces the dangers of getting opioid treatment when you are on the drug.

So nerdy.

Hi Hesster! I sure hope you smarten up and take your Nal before you drink now that you are home!!! BAD Hesster!!!!

Hi all - just wanted to check in and give a quick update.

Objectively, my numbers are a disaster. I've been way back up above ~40 units for several weeks in a row, and I've only had one AF day over the past 28. That is ridiculous.

Subjectively, my cravings have been through the roof and I find myself beginning to revert to old habits: drinking rather heavily on week nights or when I'm bored, tanking hard stuff, experiencing levels of drunkenness that I did not reach during my first 9 months of TSM. All of this drinking has started to trickle down to other areas of my life, and my work and school-related responsibilities have really suffered lately.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, since I know a lot of this has to do with the multiple vacations and weddings* that I've had going on this summer...and these have been giving me a lot of occasions and excuses to drink. But I need to get back on the right track, since I've been practicing TSM for almost a year, and my second half numbers are going to be much worse than the first.

*This past weekend, I was out in Seattle for one of my oldest friends' wedding. I managed to get so sh*tfaced that I spent most of the reception blatantly making out with the groom's Australian cousin outside of the reception hall. My parents were pretty embarrassed by this display (although it didn't stop my dad from chanting "AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE!"), and my shirt looked like it was tie-dyed with her lipstick, makeup and wine by the end of the night. Gah! The next day, my parents asked me "What the hell happened to that medication you were taking?" I had no answer for this other than "I still have the occasional slip-up, but believe me - things are a lot better than they were." That sounds a bit flimsy at this stage in the game.

I'm going to try to narrow my scope a bit and just focus on the day-to-day. In the past, I could string a few AF days together once I got through the first one, so I'm going to try pushing through one tonight, and hopefully that will start a bit of a chain reaction.

I really want this to work, but the dreaded "I might be in the 20%" thoughts have started to creep into my head. I'm trying my best to stay positive.

I hope everyone else out there is doing better. I've noticed that some of my go-to support people have been less active over the past few weeks, although it's nice to see ~Q~ back on the board, since he brings a lot of good stuff to the community.

Thanks for reading.

-H

Hey Hess --

You're clearly frustrated and I can certainly commiserate. Vacations and events are hell on routine and self-discipline. You've also come off a long period of heavy work and long hours, so it's no big surprise that you've been cutting loose.

It would be great to have deeper and more nuanced information on how TSM interacts with cravings. If Nal is slowly interrupting the reward circuit, where do the addicted cravings continue to come from? Is the process of eliminating them gradual, sudden, both, or what? People seem to have a variety of reactions.

I'm struck by how many people report a marked, sudden drop. For some, it seems the drop happens after pulling a longer and longer string of AF days. I haven't been able (or willing) to do that yet. And it may be different for an every-evening guy like me than someone who binges. I felt a kind of drop once in month 8. Now in a long plateau as I approach the end of a full year.

I'd be interested in any thoughts you have on this.

Meanwhile, stay with it. You're not where you want to be, but a long way from where you were.

Hey Bud-Bud....

How very cool that you are quoting a movie that mentions Nal!!!! "Jurassic Park" nonetheless!!!! Who knew????!!!!???

You are so aware of your surroundings and glad you didn't land in a Danish prison while travelling far and wide, though it would have made the most vibrant story to share amongst friends and family alike....

I am doing splendidly well. Off to Maui come Halloween, Florida first and Juneau left soon far behind. Just checking randomly in at this belovedly constant TSM site. I am still drinking but normally so.

Then again... I double dog dare you (or anyone else, for that matter) to define "normal"!

Best always,

Ketchikan1

Thanks for checking in Tiller. The best way I can describe the cravings is that the more drinking days I string together, the harder it is to stop the trend (cravings amplify over time). Once I force that first AF day, the ones that follow get progressively easier and easier until the weekend hits and I'm presented with an opportunity to get weird. To me this suggests ADE, but I know one of the primary benefits of Nal/TSM is to reduce that phenomenon, so I'm not sure what's going on*. For the record (since I know this has been a hot topic on the board) I do not use Nodict, but rather prescription Barr.

*This is somewhat mitigated because I am not having any huge, destructive black-outs (although the wedding in Seattle was the drunkest I've gotten in a long time). It just seems like I'm having 6-10 unit nights more frequently. It's a weird phase.

Ketch - How the hell are ya? Glad to hear that you're still drinking "normally" - that's my goal as well. You'll have to check in at some point and give everyone an lengthy update on your thread. Great to hear from you.

(And concerning my Scandinavian adventure, there were plenty of vibrant stories to share with friends...and they were all awesome. I'm learning Swedish right now. No joke.)

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Just to quickly check in: last week was much better, and I reeled off 3 consecutive AF days. As mentioned above, the first one was a bit tricky, but once I got on a roll the other two were super easy. The weekend ended up a bit heavy, but overall I ended up at 35-ish units, which is in line with my average through my first 6 months (when things were going swimmingly).

I'm coming off an AF day yesterday and a great night's sleep, so I'm feeling pretty positive right now (also, the large iced coffee helped).

Best of luck to everyone this weekend.

-H

Congrats on the AF days, those are what I really need to start pushing. My nightly habit of drinking is the hardest thing to extinguish. TSM has given me back a rational mind to curb the long crazy nights (I actually remembered my Vegas trip in May), next morning drinking, blackouts. etc. I most social situations I don't drink and before heading out I always take NAL just in case I want to... and deserve to... let loose. It's the nightly baseline habit that needs to go. Any advice on pushing AF days?

I think state dependent learning has a huge impact on our habits, behaviors and actions associated with drinking
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Context-dependent_memory

Keep the positive thoughts going, Hess!

Hi all,

Wow - I haven't posted on here in about a month...I just wrote a bit about this on E-Lou's thread, but I think I began to burn myself out on the forum, especially because this summer was difficult drinking-wise. I already spend a lot of time thinking about boozing, so analyzing and trying to communicate my experiences with alcohol in humorous/insightful ways grew to be almost a chore during that time.

I hit a significant TSM milestone last week, so I figured that I owe it to myself to see where I'm at after just over a year of treatment. I will break it down like I did on my 6-month anniversary. It was another mixed bag...

The Good
- I suppose the biggest takeaway from the past year has been a complete absence of the ridiculous types of incidents I would get myself into pre-TSM. If you look at the very first entry for this thread, you'll see the type of sh*t I used to get myself into on a far too regular basis. There are times when I should've died or gotten in serious trouble with the law. Looking back, I think the worst incidents I've had during the past year were 1.) puking outside of a bar in NYC 2.) losing a couple hours to the BOC after crushing margaritas 3.) the recent Seattle wedding incident (which was not that bad, and had my parents not been there, I probably wouldn't have cared much). That is a huge improvement.
- I had a recent text exchange with my best friend that went something like this...

Me: "As long as I am no longer a huge, blacked out liability I am a happy Hess."
Buddy: "Yeah, you've been absolutely killing it lately. Nice job."

While I think most of my friends would agree that I drink more than most people, I am no longer a huge threat to torpedo a vacation with drunken antics...if anything I have become more of an observer to our shenanigans.
- Although I didn't manage to gain 10 lbs of muscle-y goodness, I kept my weight stable and have gotten into even better shape than I was at the 6-month mark. Others have noticed and made comments. I dominated the Tough Mudder.

The Bad
- I continue to have inconsistent weekly totals, and I had some big weeks during vacations over the summer.
- Drinking has felt a bit more compulsive of late, and I no longer get the "forcing drinks down" feeling that I would get during the first 9 or so months of TSM. I hate to think that I need to up my dosage beyond 50 mg, because I don't want to set a precedent where I am constantly upping the dosage. This is for life, and there is only so much Nal I can take.
- My weekly AF day average has dropped to below 2.
- I was a bit more liberal with eye-openers, and I slacked on taking my Nal when I knew I wasn't in for a big night out in public.

The Mixed
- My second 6-month weekly unit average was slightly higher than my first 6-month average...but this is still at about 40% of my pre-TSM level of surly sauce.
- I finally finished my thesis (despite dragging my feet badly) and I will still graduate on time at the end of the month. After digging in and working to improve the project, I am very happy with the results - both creatively and technically.

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I get the nagging feeling that I've taken TSM about as far as I can with my current lifestyle and location. I really need to push for a significant delineating line where I can truly say "Things will be different from here on out." This means I need to really get my sh*t together and put some effort into getting out of Providence. My director just told us he is resigning, a huge work project is about to finish up and my thesis is done. TIME TO MAKE SH*T HAPPEN.

I'm not sure I can continue to keep counting units, since I was usually estimating and it can be a tiresome practice. I know it is important for charting objective progress, but I think I'm at a point where I've been doing this long enough to rely more on how I am feeling. That is what is most important for me. That being said, I will likely only post on my thread to answer questions or to report if anything important happens.

The Battle with the Surly Sauce continues, but there will be less dispatches from the front lines.

I hope everyone is doing well out there. It's nice to see some of the younger TSM'ers stepping up as forum stewards. Our community may be relatively small, but it's a great cast of characters.

Thanks for reading.

-H

Hi Hesster,
I am with you and EL on counting the drinks. I have not only have my units tracked but for 90% of the last 9.5 months to the exact unit, brand, measure beer by ABV, UOM, etc. Statistical minds are a bitch. Start time, end time. It's exhausting, it might be beneficial for me at this stage to take a break from counting go off of feel. I do feel the tracking is feeding my daily habit.

Thanks for checking in. Keep on trekking on, sometimes I take it for granted but my drinking is predictable on TSM. Your bright, know who you are where you have been and where you want to go. Been there done that right? Cheers man!

P.S.
Congrats on the Tough Mudder. Between hiking, mountian biking and trail running getting in about 30-50 miles a week I have a Spartan race in Dec and my 2nd Ragnar in Nov.