Took my first .50 naltrexone at 4pm. I've used this method before so I am familiar with side effects. I felt a bit spacey but nothing worrisome.

Oddly enough I really didn't even feel like having a glass of wine when 5pm rolled around, but dutifully poured one - this seems so silly really but I know there are many days when I start thinking about having a glass around noon!!! So I have to go through the process properly.

Sipped the wine - a nice one too - did not enjoy it - no buzz - nothing. Got dinner ready - poured another - drank about 1/3 and poured out the rest.

So here I sit, tired, time to get to bed as I have to get up early tomorrow. I'm really glad I didn't finish that second glass because sometimes just two large glasses will give me an upset tummy in the night, and a headache the next morning.

I plan to drink every night this week unless I really don't feel like it - that may happen but I'll play that by ear - I want to let the naltrexone do it's job without forcing anything. I've been so stressed out with this whole business for months - trying to take that darned Topamax and suffering with the side effects, that it's a relief to know I can just drink if I feel I want to.

Truly I think now that I know what to expect with naltrexone I'll know when I have to add MY part - push a bit for AF days when the time comes etc. and stick with that. And develop new patterns when anxiety or unhappiness comes along - not drink OVER the nal.

I plan to post as the week goes by. I will be counting AF days not amount imbibed as that is the same every night (how boring is that!!!)

Hi Revert,

What you experienced sounds very similar with my first doze of Nal. Had to force myself to finish a a vodka tonic.... You will probably find the urge coming back to "normal" after a week or two but you will notice that is noticeable less intense (though is still there). Personally, I am not forcing myself to drink if I don't feel like it. I am not sure if that's the right way according to TSM but so far I am happy with the progress.

Good luck with your endeavor and keep us posted!

Today I start forcing AF. Not a big deal but I can see a path ahead of me that says I'll just drink every day even though I don't feel the same when I've taken a naltrexone.

Habit seems to overcome any effect the naltrexone has. I have done this before when I forced AF days - now maybe it's time again. Boy I'm a tough case I guess - really want to drink - don't want to face life without booze somewhere within reach. But it is poison to me - how bad a habit is this when I continue to pour poison down my throat night after night.

So today is the day. No more counting either - that just keeps drinking in my face! I want this to become normal again - that I live my life and not be thinking about drinking in the morning when I wake up - "will I, or won't I" I'm sick of the whole thing!!

Time to suck it up!!!! Pray for courage and strength when I need it at 4pm. Maybe take naltrexone every day even though I'm not drinking. I realize that's not TSM but some have had success with it. We'll see....

Revert, I feel your pain...seriously. Yeah, the AFs have been a big deal for me - to no longer think of myself as a Daily Drinker...I'm not! Two things that worked for me: prior to TSM, I got a scrip. online for Antabuse - that as a way to quit drinking was a miserable failure. But since starting TSM, I have taken them from time to time to force an AF, and now I often have a pill case in my pocket w/ one Nal and one Antabuse - I've covered my bases either way, regardless of my impulses. Very reassuring.

The other thing that was an "aha" for me was to look at my discomfort level on an AF evening. I'd be AF, but restless and petulant and wanting to cave in. Then I'd think, "seriously, Chrissie, how miserable ARE you???" and I realized it was really only about...20% or so. At which point I'd know I could tolerate that - how spineless AM I, after all?" And the discomfort was a transient moment- not relentless.

Of course, those first AFs ARE the hardest, but what a great confidence builder! You'll feel GREAT tomorrow morning. And you have the advantage of previous success - you KNOW you can it! We're pulling for you.

Revert, I also am eligible for many senior discounts, but age hasn't necessarily brought me wisdom . In finally achieving some AF's, I had to confront what I thought was a "minor irritant", that I'd been smoothing away w/ drinking. My DH is a musician and practices INCESSANTLY...which gets to be like fingernails on a chalkboard after a (short) while. During the day, there are various ways to avoid it, but at night I want to relax and NOT have my life directed by his musical urges...

When I no longer had the "alcohol buffer" I discovered how very ANGRY I was about this! W/o alcohol, I blew up, which surprised us both. We then discussed it and worked out a resolution which involved some different behaviors on both our parts and is completely satisfactory for both...whoda thunk! Going AF forced me to feel this specific unhappiness and then confront it. So once again, I feel for you and will be thinking about you during the Witching Hours...

Chrissie you're a doll for sharing that with me. So I'll share a bit too. I'm going through a tough struggle these days - I guess when I look back it's been like this for about 20 years (!!!) As a child of an alcoholic and with a family full of them, I've always been one who needs to control everything - you know the "walking on eggs" syndrome - if I don't control everything the whole world will fall apart.

But in our house DH is the controller - but only because the second part of my emotional difficulties is that I'm also a pleaser. I'm afraid to get DH mad at me (just like I was terrified of getting my father mad at me). And he hardly ever does! That's the sick part - I "stuff" emotional things because I don't want to displease him, then I feel anger because I can't let things out. I feel I can't change our life, the patterns we've fallen into because he will not change. And I'm "afraid" to make changes in my own life that he won't like.

Does any of this make sense?????

I don't like drinking at "cocktail" hour but DH grew up in a family that always did this - very social people and cocktail hour was very important. In my house we had dinner, watched the news with a cup of tea and that was it. My poor Dad would suffer without a drink, or he'd have a snort when he got home from work and that would have to do him. He did not let it all hang out until he retired then he began to drink more. He was a very very controlled person - but was white-knuckling it 24/7 and we all knew it - we were always walking on eggs. When he did have too much he would get nasty and everyone would have to suffer until it was over. His brother, one sister, and several others in the family were alcoholics. My brother was a raging alcoholic for years (died just last year), and my sister who thinks she's "controlled" is also really not controlling things very well and is also an alcoholic.

So I'm really in a mess. If I was on my own I would just not have any wine in the house, would not drink anything, and that would be that. But living with a man who loves to drink, is "controlled" when he drinks, but has NO intention of ever stopping having wine EVERY DAMN NIGHT, makes it very very very very difficult for me to not join him - so I do. There is no place for me to go at suppertime! I can't go out, I can't hide in my den, I can't sit and sulk. We do the same damned thing every damned night until I want to scream!!!!! Everyone around me drinks and we live in wine country so it's everywhere!!! The only people who don't drink in my life are my Church friends - but DH doesn't like them that much because of that very thing - they are not "out there" having a fun time every night as he would like to do - their values are not quite the same. So I can't hang with them as much as I really need to - hanging out with non-drinkers is wonderful for me because I just can relax and have fun and never even think about drinking!!! I used to have all of my social circle as non-drinkers, until I met and married DH!!!

Many here would be thrilled at being controlled enough to only have two, but for ME this to too much and I hate the compulsion to drink every night. I have had months where I was sober and did not drink at all, but I feel so pressured between 4 and 5 to have a glass - the craving is pretty strong - and as I said, it's always right there. So the trigger works again and I start all over. I'm so unhappy with all this, I "self-medicate" and have wine.

As soon as I take a drink I immediately relax and just go along with whatever DH wants to do. I'm such a coward!!!!

I must say thought also that I have had an alcohol problem all my life and there were many years when I was totally out of control and did many bad things and was a bad mother and on and on. So the fact that I only have two is not the end of the world - in fact it's pretty good. But how do I stop doing that if I hate it so much? I spend the rest of the evening fuzzy headed, not too steady but not horribly unsteady - just a "not right" feeling and then I clean up the kitchen, get things ready for the morning - and rinse and repeat until I'm just sick with it all.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. I'm at the age where my "golden years" are not in the future - they are NOW!! But I feel I'll be tied into this horrible dependence on alcohol until my last breath and I'm desperate to get out of it. I can't leave my DH because we simply couldn't afford it. And besides I do love him, and he loves me.....

Oh, I'm rambling on but it feels good to rant and rave over this. I'm talking myself into a lather!! I guess I'll just keep on going and let naltrexone do it's thing. I start to panic when I can't have an AF day but I guess this is just my crazy brain again.

Tonight will definitely be an AF night because we go to Mass on Friday evenings. If I had someplace to go every night it would be so different!! So onward on this journey.

Wow! There is a lot of things to respond to here...hmmm...you sound very "stuck" in this emotional morass. I'm just going out, but wanted to ask if DH knows about your struggle and TSM and your use of naltrexone?

BBL, my friend

Hey Revert, thanks for your response in my thread. In case you didn't check back in I wanted to give you some information here. I looked into renting a PO Box in the U.S. but came up with an alternative that is cheaper and less of a hassle. It's called Kinek (www.kinek.com/) and you can have packages delivered to them, which they hold for you for 30 days. They only charge about $5-10 too, which is fantastic. When you sign up (for free) they give you a number that you include in the address information with River and that is how they track your package. I signed up yesterday and made my order for River. There are other similar services out there just in case Kinek isn't available at a border near you.

I also can appreciate a lot of what you recently wrote. I grew up in an alcoholic household where my father drank scotch nightly until he passed out. He was never a mean drunk, just never really and truly there, but no one ever talked about it. I learned to do the eggshell walk as well, and carried that over to my marriage. Unfortunately my ex-h turned out to be an alcoholic too but was horrible when he was drinking (breaking stuff, swearing, etc.). I tried for years to make it work, eventually quitting drinking myself for a full year. That year was an epiphany for me because I was finally able to clearly see what I had been drinking away and hiding from, so I got the courage to leave him. That was 3 years ago and I've been sliding a slippery slope with booze again for the past 2 years. I want the clarity back. I want the energy back.

Stay strong!

Chrissie, no DH does not know about my struggles. I've tried to talk to him about this but because I'm so "controlled" he does not think I have a problem. And I know if he thinks about it too hard it will show him what a similar problem he has: not overboard, but "gotta have it daily" kinda drinking. So even though I have asked him for help in the past - like not having the wine around the kitchen so much, or not eating in front of the TV with a movie and wine EVERY NIGHT, he just does not want to break the pattern. He likes his little habits and even though I know he cares for me a great deal, he's a bit selfish in that regard - no changing him no matter what. It is what it is.

Artagogo, you sound like me in many ways as I've been in another marriage with a drunk - started my very heavy drinking with him and my children really suffered then too, mainly from my drunken neglect. I worked, but never missed a day no matter how hung over I was - and man I look back and don't know how I ever did it!!! I finally was able to break away from him and moved away. I was sober for many years. Then one night started again and have struggled, even though I'm quite "controlled" in quantity.

I am an emotional mess, I admit. I'm seriously considering going back to Topamax - at least I was in a daze most of the time and could handle things better than being out there with no Topa-Coma!!! But the side effects!!!!!

But I gotta be honest in another way too. Maybe I do get too emotional about all this. I don't get "drunk" even though I do get that "cotton wool stuffed head" feeling when I drink thanks to Naltrexone. I don't feel hungover. Should I just let all this go and have those two drinks and relax about it all????? That's what I'm constantly torn up about. Do I really want to stop? Can I do it alone with zero support?

What I really need is a vacation totally alone somewhere for about a month!! Just so I can get my thinking straight about what I want to do. But unfortunately I've got no place to go and no money of my own to go there with!! No family I can turn to, kids very busy with their own adult lives etc. So I have my little "pity parties" here!!!! So nice to be able to just get on here and lay it all down.

Artagogo I'll check out the Kinek. But I don't get it - do they mail the stuff to you after they get it or do you have to go pick it up?

What a day yesterday was!!! Complete emotional storm - the "imperfect" storm....must have been hormones/depression/lack of fresh air/stuck in an air conditioned house/worry over drinking = emotional storm.

Feeling so much better today. Took a naltrexone at 4pm yesterday because I was convinced I'd have a glass of wine when I came home from Mass, but I didn't feel that great and it was getting later in the evening so I didn't. Went to bed early and slept not too bad. But feel so much better today - even in the rain.

So forget the past. Trust that naltrexone will help me to have AF days as they come along. I will keep drinking my wine when I want it, even if it's every night until I've given nal a chance to go some work in my brain. Then will see if I can push for some AF days - but I MUST STOP OBSESSING OVER THIS AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!