Hi, EL - just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Hope all is well.

-H

Hi guys, sorry for disappearing! I've been really busy and somewhat boozy but things seem to be getting better slowly but surely - I feel like I'm climbing back to where I was with TSM before this last nasty patch. Last week was 20.5 units which is high for me, but the week included a day-long bachelorette party for one of my best friends, so considering that it's not insane. I wasn't out of control at any point that night or any other night and I didn't black/grey out. Just more time spent hungover than I would like. But honestly, my hangover after the bachelorette party wasn't even so bad - I managed to still do a 3 mile run!
Work is going well most of the time, finances are up a bit, boyfriend and I are getting a long great. So nothing really to complain about. Now that the weather is much nicer, I firmly intend to do more day-time outdoor activities (since I'm a freelancer, I can sort of make that happen sometimes) and especially on the weekends. Sports not booze is the general trend I'm going for

oooooooo, I'm likin' that...bumper stickers? tee shirts? LOTS of possibilities.

No, really, I'm glad to read your cheery post and how well things are going for you on ALL fronts, sounds like. 3 miles! I'm impressed, as well as w/ your good #'s. Our standards just keep getting higher, it seems. We're gettin' there...

Hi EL

I'm glad to hear things are going better & that you and the bf are getting on well. Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all your support. I'm hopefully going to give baclofen a try if my blood test results next week are OK. So I'm a bit more hopeful again. In the meantime I will try for some AF time longer than 5 days - the most I've had in 17 months...

Take care
Sticky

Hi EL, just a quick hello to catch up with you.

Lovely to see that you are still your usual cheerful, positive and supportive self! You're a rock on this site!

It's looks to me like you're doing great!

Nal on!

Curi

I wish I could be my cheery sunny self today but it's not gonna happen. I just got blind drunk for the SECOND time this week (saturday and now wednesday). I blacked out on Saturday really badly and apparently got super depressive and said worrying things. And last night was more in control, no blacking out, but I did drink until 6 am on a weeknight....not ideal. My boyfriend took me aside this morning and told me he was worried about me and my drinking. This is a major step back for me and I am really afraid that I might lose him if I keep up with my current behaviour. I know that AA and abstinence is not for me, for a variety of reasons, and I don't actually want to stop drinking entirely but I want to get back to where I was with TSM like three months ago...I don't know why this is happening.

EL, I've been pondering your post several days now...it reminds me so much of Sticky and her rough patch. And I keep thinking of Curious One's post to Sticky, and that makes me think of you, too. I know you are working w/ your therapist again, and am glad of that. I wish I could offer more insight, but I don't have personal experience that seems relevant. Having said that, I DO seem to be having a number of..."rebellion bursts" these days, and not doing well w/ moderate drinking days. AFs are pretty easy but the other days I go 3 - 6, which I'm not happy w/. Two! Two! Two! What part of "two" don't I understand??? And the other # I'm having trouble with is "60 (minutes)"...

I know you're discouraged but PLEASE don't give up! It's going to take however long it takes, and in the end, it won't matter ONE BIT how long that was...(she repeated firmly )

Hey, Hon, I'm sorry to read your last post.

But you know what? I still think that post was positive.

You set your worries down on "paper" that's always cathartic which is positive. Stating what you don't want to do- AA and abstinence implies to me that you are looking for solutions, again, that's positive. I can tell that you're trying to figure out your behaviour, which is a good thing.

Maybe since you wrote that post you've remembered or learned some new things about those nights. Maybe you missed a/some trigger/s: starting with the obvious ones like not eating or being thirsty, I know I'm screwed if that happens to me, and I also know that normal drinkers are too.

Were you tired or upset or stressed about something? Sometimes we are and only realise it after the event, sometimes we just know that we're in a crappy mood without knowing why. I have learnt that if I feel like I need a drink, it's a sign that something has upset me. I see that "I need a drink" as a message now, my need is telling me that something is wrong.

So I go through this process, a bit like trying to figure out why a new-born is crying, I have a check list, don't laugh, but I go through this list: Am I hungry?, thirsty?, tired?, PMS? (that's instead of: does my diaper need changing ), stressed?, if none of the above, then I have to go back and remember what happened just before the "I need a drink" or "I got smashed" moment. Usually it's either because I or someone said or did something that I didn't like or because I or someone didn't do or didn't say what I would like them to.

Funnily enough, just the process itself is soothing, whether I can solve my problem (eat if I'm hungry) or not (I was wronged, or I lost a contract or whatever), just knowing what the matter is, is somehow a release, cos only when we know what the problem is, can we find a solution.

So, what at first seems like a set-back, is in fact an opportunity for growth and change. Something drove your behaviour on those nights and when you figure out what it was, you'll have learned something about yourself and you will have learned how to respond to a situation in a better way than drinking.

Have you ever heard about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? CBT for short. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_ ... al_therapy

It's a type of psychotherapeutic treatment that helps people understand the thoughts and feelings that influence their behaviour. It is commonly used to treat phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety but I think everyone can benefit from it.

You might find it helpful.

curi

Thanks for the comments guys. I have been exceedingly busy and hit with the **** stick in life recently, but on the plus side the drinking has been a bit more under control. I had to have an emergency surprise! root canal and I need about 1700 dollars worth of other dentistry, which is really fun. On top of that my computer (which is the entire basis for my livelihood, since I'm a freelance translator) has mysteriously become completely unusable, despite being only 2 years old and generally quite powerful. I am right now in a tech hell trying to salvage files and see if I absolutely need to buy another computer (hello 2 oe 3 thousand more dollars I can't afford) and having to turn down work in the meantime. Things are thus pretty shitty. However, I have no real desire to drink. So that's a plus. Other plus, I was at a rehearsal dinner and wedding for one of my closest friends this past week and I did just fine. Stuck to three (albeit large) bourbons at the rehearsal dinner and wasn't hungover for the wedding (what I was really afraid of...). At the wedding I definitely drank a lot more, maybe 8 bourbons? but it was over a long period of time, I had fun, and nothing was out of control (except perhaps my terrible dancing). No blacking out, no embarassing behaviour, etc. And right now I just feel tired of booze. Like, I really don't want to drink for a while, I want to get back on track with health. We'll see how long that lasts!!! Either way, things are shitty but in a concrete, practical way, which honestly is better than existential despair so that's something

Hey El -- Add my voice to those expressing concern and support. The life of a freelancer is rough indeed. Did the Nal interfere with pain meds for the dental work?