HI EL!!!

Just crashing in, wanted to see how you’re doing. I've had a rough spell for the past two months, the alcohol has me in a pickle again. I'm putting up a fight, not going to let it take me down for long. I've been there done that type of thing going on.

I've also been down the same road as your BF with depression until I got serious about taking my antidepressant and working with my councilor. The tough thing is finding a good doctor that is suited for you and is easy to talk to. Tiller is spot on about working this from a two front perspective.

Zip

Hi guys....
Bad news here. Been having a rough few days. Managed to blast through the naltrexone this past weekend (without meaning to...for real...it kind of just...DIDN"T have any effect this time) and ended up staying out super late, meeting random people in the bar, going back to their house and not only drinking loads more but also doing coke, which is a horrifically bad NO NO for me (well, and probably everyone lol...) which I have not done in well over a year. I used to have a bit of a coke problem but I successfully kicked it with therapy and groups and lots of willpower...now, don't get me wrong, I'm not worried that this is going to become a pattern. If anything, this incident has reminded me 1) why I stopped doing it in the first place 2) how horrible it makes me feel and 3) honestly, how NOT fun it is anymore. So that's not the worry. But it does really worry me that I was able to drink through to nal to get to such a point that I would ALSO overcome all the behaviour modification work that I've done for YEARS. It's a scary situation. On top of that, since I was out super late my boyfriend got really worried, but I was out of my mind and didn't realize that my phone was dead, so he actually thought something terrible had happened to me and started panicking about it. Needless to say, I feel TERRIBLE about all of this. I'm back on the horse, of course, because what is the other option? NOT taking nal and doign TSM? obviously not an option. I guess what I don't understand is why this bad behavoir, and why now (this combined with the Canarsie incident and a couple other occasions of drinking to grey/black out in the past 2 months. I am normally a very self-aware person, in the sense that even when I engage in bad behaviour, I kind of know what is triggering it. Here, I'm really not certain. Sure, I'm somewhat stressed about work, but nothing huge or new. Sure, I get a little cooped up and go stir crazy sometimes, but these incidents weren't even when I was feeling particularly deprive of social contact. Sure, sometimes I get frustrated with BF's stick in the mudness/depression but honestly, he was doing great this weekend and we had had a good time.
So I dont know. But for the foreseeable future...I think I need to go back t exerting a LOT of willpower, rather than having nal do all the heavy lifting.

Dag, Lou. Lots of struggle in your last few posts. I wish I had some insight into what's going on for you. What I can say is you are not alone. A number of us who were doing much better find ourselves skidding around just now. Extinction bursts, change of season, whatever. Part of the long march.

I think it will help to build back in the control/behavior mechanisms we need to support and compliment the work of TSM. As you've recognized, we can't expect Nal to do all of the work.

I hope you can get some exercise and stay connected to the many positive things in your life, including the BF.

"Dag" is right...man. Do you still have a therapist to talk to? Might be a good time to consult. So much has happened in your life the last year: TSM, school, BF, your parents moving; in other words, EVERYTHING. Plus, you're still young and perhaps figuring out life in general. (Maybe I was a slow learner, but my life got way better in my early 30's

You've been a proponent of moderation techniques...back to basics? Maybe listing some goals for this week, specific and otherwise? I've decided I'm tired of my TSM "treading water" and am going to damn well meet the 3 goals I listed for this week - time to quit babying myself. See if I can gain a little traction, move forward!

I have every confidence in you - you WILL succeed, EL.

Thanks for the support guys. I do still have a therapist (she's cutting me a deal since I am poor and without insurance) so that has been helpful. I think what has been happening maybe is that I've been internalizing a lot of professional stress. Basically, it's not just that starting my own business and being self-employed is hard work and sometimes tight financially...it's that I'm constantly being asked to wear many different hats that I am not comfortable with, and that my skills as a translator are occasionally being called into question by stupid/unprofessional/annoying clients. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to get feedback and continue growing, but recently I got dumped from a translation project because my work came back 99.33% correct (they have crazy statistical analysis these days, it's not my thing but hey, I have to deal with it.) So OVER 99% IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Seriously, many big agencies expect me to be a machine. So that sucks.
And I think that in order to keep fighting the good fight, I've been burying these feelings way deep and then maybe that's driving me to overdo it when I am feeling rebellious. I don't know, though.
On the bright side, my boyfriend is lovely and forgiving and it's not really an issue on that front already. Also I've gotten back into running 7-9 miles a week on top of my yoga, so I'm feeling better physically. Here's something wierd though, I wonder if any of you have experienced this. It used to be that when I exercised in the evenings, I never wanted to drink afterwards. I felt good, endorphins flowing, feeling healthy, etc. It was therefore a great moderation technique. And now...I am afraid the opposite is happening. Last weekend, before the binge, I had run 4 miles in really good time (for me!) and done a spot of yoga and ate healthily all day. I felt a bit tired but in great spirits heading the party. And it lead me to drink the most I've done in ages. Last night, ran 3.5 miles to clear my head, it was a lovely day, came home and had some vegetable chili, felt great. Watched a show on TV. It's now 9:30pm, by which point if I haven't started drinking, I almost never do. (I usually go to bed around 12 on weekdays). What did I decide to do but pop a nal and start drinking at like 10:30, until 12:30. Nothing excessive, about 3 drinks, but I felt like it was DIRECTLY related to feeling good from the exercise and wanting to ride that endorphin wave or something. Does this ring a bell with ANYONE?
EL

I've certainly had the experience of wanting to drink when I'm buzzed up by doing a public event or other exciting experience. Not so much what you are experiencing.

What do your cravings feel like? would describing them help figure them out?

Hi EL

Sorry to hear you're still having a hard time of it. Glad the BF is feeling better. It does sound like he suffers from depression, though, and might need some medical help.

Honestly - 99.33% not being good enough - that sucks! Running a business is stressful enough without that sort of pressure.

I'm not sure about the exercise, but certainly feeling good can be a trigger for me to drink. So can wanting to celebrate something. It's not just stress that's a trigger. Late one afternoon I had a coffee which gave me a buzz and made me want to drink. Usually I only drink coffee in the morning as it affects my sleep.

I hope things are going better.

Cheers
Sticky

Exercise-inspired drinking...hmmm...it's not ringing any bells for me...post-exercise, a NAP sounds good . But we're all chiming in w/ the idea of excitement, ANY type of excitement being a big trigger. For me, "celebratory" has usually been the impetus driving my drinking, not being mad, or depressed or negative feelings. More wanting to enhance happy ones. So what you describe makes perfect sense to me - riding out the high as long as possible.

Thats interesting you and Hess are in such similar spots - you've both made such good progress, but must have a little tweaking to do.

Hi EL,

Sometimes I feel like I've "earned" the right to drink after a particularly good workout (perhaps rationalizing that exercise will offset whatever damage I'm doing to myself with booze...and therefore it's okay).

This started happening a lot less once I cut back on the weekday drinking (which is when I typically exercise), but I will admit that the pull is still there. Don't forget that you are likely upregulating like a mofo when you workout, so maybe the endorphin wave is substantial enough that you feel extra compelled to drink?

Let's get this tweaking figured out and move forward.

-H

Ugh guys it happened again. Had a good workout, then went to dinner with the BF. Had two drinks at dinner and then proceeded to keep drinking at home. Stayed up almost ALL night, just wasting time on the internet and stuff, and fell asleep on the couch. BF is not pleased/worried again. I feel like I'm losing all control. I seriously think I might have to stop drinking for a while or finally take everyone's advice and ditch the bourbon, at the very least. I'm really scared of these grey/black outs to sleep that are happening now and I'm terrified of ruining my relationship over this. Today I am slogging through work trying not to have a panic attack, as BF isn't really responding to my messages and is likely pissed off.