In which I talk about changing goals and recent setbacks...

Well, the party went just alright. I drank pretty hard and ended up getting a bit foggy near the end. Overall I definitely had less than I normally would, so I have to count it at least as an improvement. Still, I woke up with a hangover on Sunday and drank some wine Sunday night to deal with life. Today though I actually feel decent. If I had pulled one of my patented "Dr. Dipso, PhD benders," I'd be in real bad shape today. Instead I went to a yoga class yesterday and *only* had 3/4 a bottle of wine, not the whole thing.

Still though I am feeling a sense of failure. But how can I feel like a failure when I came into this thing not even certain that the pill would do anything at all? I still drank too hard, but on nal, I didn't hit the afterburners. In fact, I didn't even touch the hard stuff and stuck to beer/wine the entire night. More encouraging is that I didn't realize that I didn't touch the hard A until the day after. Even though I was making cocktails for everyone, I didn't even think about switching from wine to hard A. I think I feel like I've failed a little because the honeymoon period showed me a glimpse of a life that is hangover free.

It wasn't a hard blackout.... I probably only greyed out about 30 minutes in which not much happened, but I'm still resetting the blackout clock. I'm not discouraged about nal, just a tiny bit disappointed I guess. I guess I'm also a bit scared because when you take away the number one obstacle to control - the endorphin rush, there are a whole bunch of brand new obstacles revealed that are going to take time and effort to fix. I need to learn how to be okay when the party is over. I need to learn how to interact with people when I'm sober. I need to decrease the power of ego that tricks me into believing that my actions are so important. Turns out I really am getting more out of booze than just the high... Le sigh...

Exactly. Man! you only started a month ago. The honeymoon is such a rush that it seems to then become a common expectation that we're going to continue to shoot forward to cured, no problem! I think you're off to a great start, and obviously taking notes and observations.

Yes, how sweet it is. As you continue to gain control, you'll have more and more of those days, and that little "pre taste" is great incentive for the time yet ahead in TSM.

Yeah, it's too bad we are such complicated creatures; Sinclair's rats traveled a much more direct path to their cure. I wonder if rats can have low self esteem or worry about social interaction??? Nah, they probably only worry about kibble and nooky, but then how would I know?

your "le sigh" reminded me of a good link I got yesterday: 2 minutes long, and very entertaining. This cat is pondering deep questions similar to some you expressed.

http://jezebel.com/5900906/your-morning ... -existence

In which I have given up all hope of being cured...

Because I no longer care about being cured. Three weeks in, I have not gone nutso since my first dose of nal. I have not had to force myself to stop drinking even once. I have not drank during the day to get rid of hangover, which is new. I just get really tired these days when I have over 6 units or so. No manic high-seeking monster comes out to play anymore. That's why I don't care if I am ever cured. If I still average 6.5 units a day or so, I guess I won't lose as much weight as I would like, but beyond that, I am already past what I had hoped to get out of this pill. Maybe I'll drink a "little too much" from time to time, which I am perfectly fine with. I never wanted to be a teetotaler, just wanted to be in the driver's seat, just didn't want to lose control of myself so badly that every Sunday morning found me apologizing for things that I had no recollection of and sneaking shots when I could just to keep level.

Anyway, welcome to my new life I guess. My general level of anxiety has dropped precipitously. I had a crisis at work early last week. I made all the appropriate inquiries and hammered out what needed to be flattened. I have to say, that was a much better use of my time than alternating between being paralyzed with fear and rehearsing my excuses for why I couldn't get the job done.

I woke up on Sunday, hangover free, at 7:30 in the morning... Are you aware that 7:30 exists in the morning, not just the evening? I wasn't, but I am here to tell you that it does. It's fun to spend, like, 3 hours drinking coffee before remarking to myself "Hmmm, it's 11am. I'd probably be waking up about now, confused about where I am." This is particularly notable as I went to a party on Saturday night that had liquor flowing freely and jello shots all around. I didn't even touch to Whiskey bottle. I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THE WHISKEY BOTTLE. That **** is, or more appropriately, WAS my goddamned kryptonite.

Anyway, I feel great. I love this pill. My wife loves this pill. My only concern now is that my second shipment is taking a little long in customs, and I don't want to run out before it gets here. I am committed to never drinking off nal again. I don't miss that high too much. It was more agitating and anxious than enjoyable most of the time lately. I'll probably conserve my remaining pills and try a little AF stretch for a few days. It's been ages since I went on a mini-dryout that didn't come at the tail end of some cringe-worthy self embarrassment.

Once again, thanks Chrissie, EL, HF, Hesster, and everyone who has commented for me here. Y'all are great. Without the success stories posted on this forum, I almost certainly would not have ever made that first order... Instead, I have my life back.... Now just gotta do something with it...

Hi Generic,

Lots of great stuff here, and congratulations on meeting your goals with this treatment. I don't mean to discourage you, but I would like you to keep in mind that you're still in the pretty early stages of TSM, and there's a chance that your numbers may creep back up a bit and/or you have a series of rough nights. Holy hell, I know it happened to me after the first month or two of smooth sailing!

But you've got a great mindset, and who knows - you might just continue to ride the downward trend with no hiccups at all. I agree the focus for many here is not to be "cured" but to stay "in the driver's seat," as you say. Hopefully you'll remain there, buddy.

Please do keep us updated.

-H

Glad to hear about your early continued success! It sounds like you're really hitting it off with nal. I agree with you that a lot of us don't necessarily feel cured or want to feel cured - we're ok with just not having alcohol ruin our lives. Or run our lives for that matter.

Hi Generic

Good on you - you have a great attitude and are doing well. It's great to read so much positivity!

Cheers
Sticky

Generic, you're really reaping the rewards and deservedly so. Yep, life can get SO much better right away w/ Nal - sounds like your journey is close to ideal now.

In which I start to think about AF stretches...

Thanks again everyone for the support. Hesster, I hear your warning loud and clear, and appreciate it. I have seen enough benefit from this pill that I think I'll be able to remain positive if my numbers drift up or I have a couple ugly nights, and it definitely helps to hear from people like you who may have had setbacks, but returned to a downward, more in control trend.

This weekend proceeded like every weekend since I started on nal. I had some drinks, enjoyed the first few immensely, didn't experience a huge headrush or the desperate need to slug down as many as I could, went to bed in control and woke up refreshed both days. Sunday I rode a 100 mile bike ride. Probably shoulda gone AF Sat night, but that just aint my style now is it?

Said it before, but I'll say it again because it surprises me so much. On nal I like drinking MORE than I used to, but I do it LESS. If that doesn't make this a magic pill made of carebear tears, I don't know what does.

How SWEET it is!!!