hi el. still haven't been able to get on the board much, but still following tsm. anyhow, i just got updated on your thread - well i read the last few and then had to go back to see what happened in Canarsie. UGH! so sorry - that sounds like a nasty night! i know the anxiety and depression the next day are bad and then you throw in some doubt about getting cured...UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! i totally understand, i've been feeling the same way! i haven't had any Canarsie type incidents, but a few too many gray outs. i just keep telling myself i'm getting a big drinking burst and maybe a step down is around the corner and then i will be on that cured list... and it may be true for you. maybe your body is trying desperately to have one last hurrah? though the drinking without the nal is a tricky, tricky thing and a very slippery slope. in fact, so slippery that i don't think i will ever use the word "cured" for myself since i have come to realize that even if things improve some more, i believe i will always be walking a fine line with drinking. that may sound negative, but it's not meant to be (maybe just realistic ;0) as i know i'm much better off than i used to be. btw- this is me talking about me. i don't want you think that you should worry about yourself in this way. i think you have had really great results while on tsm and i know you will improve even more...as to what to do to get on the downside of the roller coaster, i pretty much agree with avoiding the bourbon. your bourbon is my wine (white, in particular) and it's such a bitch! i'm trying to avoid it like the plague right now. not buying it (or the red) and just drinking less appetizing things. it's definitely taking the wind out of my sails. in fact, this week i'm trying to go AF until friday. i think i've been super lazy with the AF days, so that is where i also need to change my game. wish me luck. but AGAIN that's me and hasn't been an issue for you.

anyhow, this was supposed to be a post helping you and it was pretty much an update about me. sorry about that. know that i'm thinking about you. i really think it's probably the last hurdle in your tsm journey.

--pp

Hehhe no worries, great to have news from you. I'm feeling more positive today - I realized something that makes a lot of sense. The bottle of bourbon that I've been drinking from these past 4-5 days or so and reacting SO strongly to, despite taking nal? Oh, yeah it's a good 10% more ABV than the bourbon I generally drink! It may sound like little but I really think it's been making the difference, it's like super strength bourbon and my one drink is probably more like 1.5 now, esp if it's a heavy pour (I'm not always so meticulous). So yeah, finding that out helps put things in perspective. I am going to a bar night tomorrow and I think I will take a whole nal, even if I risk vomiting because I do not want to lose Thursday. Both Monday AND Tuesday this week I've woken up feeling crap and had to have a nap in the middle of the day, which isn't DISASTEROUS but also not great. I want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed more often, damnit!!

OMG, no, 10% sounds like a LOT! That's great you noticed that difference - you must have bought a different brand??? No, that would be like my drinking a triple strength beer. Whew! I was really feeling your discouragement, too, as you have some extra challenges to deal w/, what w/ the side effects and your prescription meds. So...if bourbon is still the best choice for you, water it down and let us know how it goes.

Pickled Pepper! Good to hear from you! (yes, lets just crash this thread, and get a party going) Your quote really speaks to me, as that is exactly what I've been doing the last 10 DAYS - skipping the AFs, and there is no excuse for it. Other than laziness, or inertia, or not wanting to take that little bit of initiative required. Still, the drinking continues to be an ever-more dissatisfying experience, so I guess Nal is still doing it's thing on my behalf, even if old Lizard Brain is still flicking it's tongue and saying "no, no, no..."

Chrissie

Yeah, I totally just picked a random bottle for fun because I was at a fancy liquor store and I like trying new bourbons....I might stay away from this one But yeah, I think I am literally going to water down my bourbon these days...more ice cubes and maybe actually splashes of water. Wish me luck tonight...I have to go to a bar with some pretty heavy drinkers that I haven't seen in a while :/
EL

Ok, so about 40 minutes ago I took a full 50mg nal, which I haven't done in a while (I usually take 25 or 37 or whatever 3/4s is
Now I remember why...I've got cold sweaty palms, kind of shaky and buzzy, especially around the jaw, kind of nervous and restless....thank god so far I don't feel nauseous (though no terrible desire to drink, but I will because I'm going out). I just really feel like 50mg is kind of toxic to my body but I wanted to give myself my best shot at not overdoing it tonight :/

I hope the shakes pass and you dont feel the need to hug the toilet tonight!

Good discovery about the bourbon. I definitely feel it when I'm drinking a higher alcohol wine and that maybe 2-3% more alcohol...Yet I still never bother to look at the store!

Chrissie- I know I just need to break the pattern. It's like exercise. Every 2 years or so I fall off my game for months and can't get it together to start back. Once I'm going, I'm good. I'm sorry you haven't had many AF days lately, but your numbers are looking great!!!! Down, down, down they go. Congrats!

Hey EL

I hope the evening went well and the SE's weren't too awful. You & I are still having a rough time of it. Am feeling down today after bingeing on wine last night. Might try and stick to beer.

Take care
Sticky

How did you do last night? Sending you best vibes.

Thanks guys for checking in. Last night was....ok. I managed to have a fun time with friends and stuck to only four drinks, which is a success. However, I did start to feel wretched about drink 3 (why did I keep drinking? oh booze logic...) and it continued being horrible. I ate something and then threw it up almost immediately. And then basically was so tired I couldn't see. 9 hours of sleep later, I feel pretty terrible, and not just from the booze. I think I'm going to stay away from 50mg in the future unless I absolutely need to promise that I won't overdo it somewhere because this feels pretty toxic.
But however shitty I feel, I remember all of last night WOOT! So that helps.
On a totally unrelated note...there's really only one major issue in my relationship with my BF and actually, it's not my drinking...it's his. But not how you think. He's been getting increasingly crippling hangovers off of smaller and smaller amounts of booze. It has now gotten to the point where he says that if he has 3-4 beers in one night, he will be hungover for three days. His hangovers, however, principally seem to be mood-related - he's able to go out and have a run, for instance, but will just feel very depressed. Now, the issue is that well...I don't really buy it. I think he's got major depression/anxiety problems which are so far untreated. (He placated me by going to therapy a handful of times last year but then stopped...and he certainly hasn't given medication a try). On the days where he is "hungover" he is a horrible person to be around, so depressed and lashing out from his depression. He also claims that he can't focus at all and work when hungover. But it's insane - last night he had ONE beer and today he's having these crying jags and saying he doesn't see any point in his work or professional life. I guess I'm sharing this because I want to know what others think. To me, this sounds like a mental health issue that is probably exacerbated by drinking, but certainly not CAUSED by it. Also, I worry that if his body is literally not processing 3 beers in an evening, that there's somethign wrong with him - isn't that a totally normal amount for one's liver to process? (FWIW, he used to be a VERY heavy drinker).
Now it's not like my BF is always a ray of sunshine when he's not drinking - he has a tendency to the glum always I think, but it really does vacillate quite a bit. He's a lovely person most of the time and drinks very little these days. That's fine by me but I just don't buy the whole "I don't need therapy, I just need to stop drinking" bit because I feel like it's not addressing the real issue. And well, he loves good beer, so I think it's really sad that he is depriving himself of having a couple of beers here and there (and he never sticks to the no drinking forever...)

El - He sounds depressed. And, of course, alcohol just makes it worse. I know from experience -- including today!

Just about every study in the past decade has shown that medication and therapy, together, are more effective than either one alone. There's no need for him to suffer. I hope he can see his way to getting real help.