"I'm certainly not feeling a need to be drunk "all the time", but part of me still looks forward to the idea of a bender with the expectation that it'll be pleasurable [fortunately, they don't usually seem to be anymore, though I think twice there've been days where the Nal simply doesn't seem to have any effect and the beer went down Very Well, Thank You]."

I can totally relate to this. All parts of it. Firstly, the looking forward to a bender, but then it not being any fun anymore. And secondly, the fact that every once in a blue moon, it feels like the nal has absolutely no effect and we can drink like normal. I guess it's all part of the process!
Congrats on your great progress so far!

Thanks EL . This weekend was kinda interesting, in that both Saturday and Sunday were AF with no effort on Saturday and very little on Sunday. Friday night was two bottles of beer (preceded by leaving the pub after work without having a drink because it was too crowded for my comfort).

Saw the doctor on Friday morning, which was interesting. I tend to use drink/drugs to suppress thinking because I find it very hard to cope with my constant analysis of the world and they give me the relief of "turning it off"; she suggested playing video games as an alternative, so I've just bought a console... hopefully it's a good idea and won't just be a waste of a significant amount of money . My birthday (at the end of April) is implanted in my head as the next "excuse" for a bender, so we're looking at how to get the positives from drinking without having a binge - her suggestion (which sounds good to me) is to put in place a plan for the day with scheduled activities, so we can go to the pub and have some drinks but there'll be something planned for afterwards to give me a reason to leave.

BWD, that's an excellent plan. I still use that strategy sometimes to prevent myself from having a bender. I will occasionally plan for happy hour and then a movie on Friday nights, just because I know Friday nights I have a tendancy to overdo it.
Anyways, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to turn off the constant analysis. Oh the brain....

It feels as if I'm at the edge of a watershed at the moment - not quite over it, but getting damn close. Tonight's obviously being a heavy night relative to the moment with some 12 units down so far and a few more to go. Thing is, though, that I can feel myself starting to stop. Looking at my unit log, I suspect that by the time I've finished I'll probably have drunk the equivalent of a bad weeknight before TSM.

My wife and I were talking earlier about starting AA, and how she feel's that it was a very bad thing for me. I explained how I was desperate because she'd said that she was "a weekend away from leaving" because I'd reached the stage where I wet the bed every weekend or more.

Amazingly, over this week there've been 3 AF days including both Saturday and Sunday. Tonight's probably the last that I have any dope [my wife called the computer room 'the cubicle of mind-altering substances' earlier] so I hope that the primary pharmacological effect is from Nal rather than CBD!! Pretty sure that it is...

So, some 15 mins after that I've just poured 4/5ths of a bottle of Marston's Old Empire down the sink and am off to bed, having realised that a bowl of my wife's lovely home-made curry was much more enticing.

The miracle seems to be continuing, with my consumption having slowly declined so much that it's almost within guidelines and generally 3AF days per week now. Towards the end of last week there was a somewhat surreal situation when my wife was drinking, but I wasn't - took a Nal, and by the time the hour was up I couldn't be bothered to have one. We've had another unpleasant incident involving possible burglars (my wife turned the kitchen light to be confronted by two hoodies standing directly outside the window before they bolted over the garden fence), so to say I'm delighted is an understatement.

The desire to drink is still very strong, I suspect due to a fundamental dislike of myself and the need to numb the brain. Hopefully without the euphoria that will eventually pass.

Should probably ask a mod to rename me to 'hubris' . Was very happy (actually, quite amazed) to leave a beer festival w/ unlimited free beer last night **sober** and legally ok to drive home. Tonight I'm busy overcompensating. . Very happy about progress in generall, but frustrated as hell about these setbacks. How long can my wife take it? Sure it feels like a sick game to her, though to me it's deadly serious.

Apologise if too off-topic, but it's clear that there's a correlation between alcoholism and mental health; does anyone else feel a huge wave of depression when they can't stop drinking? I feel sick thinkingaboutthhe consequences (yeah, I went to AA - but that bit is true IMHO), but I doubt that it's going to stop me tonight. The consequences loom, and tonight I am overwhelmed with the need to drink regardless.

Although I understand that I dwell on particular unsavoury issues (because they haunt me), any comfort would be appreciated.

Aye, there's the rub...the set backs are SO cruel, after the thrill of our breakthroughs and progress. That's the hard part of TSM - it's like it's teasing us, showing us success and then pulling the rug out from under. But I think we have to let go and let the Nal do it's thing, as it slowly rewires our Lizard Brains.

I, too, KNOW I'm making progress and am thrilled w/ it! but I also know I'm harder on myself when I can't always access the newly forming control...it makes getting drunk seem sleazier, somehow. Yet I still get that gleam in my eye (fairly regularly), and just "go for it". But, my friend, those occasions will occur less and less for us. Keep the faith, & keep posting! You are in good - and understanding - company.

Chrissie

Thanks Chrissie. The true irony of the situation is that although I didn't know it when I posted last night (left for posterity in it's pathetic glory) I'd already opened the last beer of the night, 3/4 of which went down the sink. To my extreme amazement and gratitude I do in fact remember going to bed (and being able to do things like undress and put clothes away first!). A hangover seems to be the only consequence of yesterday, which I'm really happy about. I'd expected to wake up to the humiliation, shame and disgust from my wife, but none of that has happened (in fact, she's really happy about the results).

My wife and I had started drinking together at about 4 in the afternoon yesterday, and "the thirst" was very much upon me. The beer that's in stock depends on whatever's on special offer, and was particularly strong yesterday (6.2%). After two bottles, we both knew that I was heading for trouble and then my wife went to bed at about 7:30 because she'd had enough for her. That the naltrexone mediated that situation is quite remarkable, I think. Consumption was far higher than I'd have liked at 18 UK units - which is in itself a measure of the slow progress that's going on when I realise that my agreed goal with my doctor is for 15 units which rarely happens at all these days.

BWD, just chiming in with some support. The setbacks happen and they are really frustrating, but as Chrissie says, it's that impulsive part of your brain trying to get the same high from alcohol that you used to. The brain takes a while to shift gears and every once in a while you'll get an episode where the brain is like. wwwhhhha? but I wanna get drunk??? or something along those lines
I find that these incidents are fewer and far between, less and less satisfying, while also having less and less disastrous consequences. So try and hang onto that when feeling down :/