Encouraging progress! Glad to hear the big 29 was not a shitshow - this summermy 29 was also the first birthday in a while that was not a total mess

You are such a great writer, Hess. I fondly read your goings-on... so men actually shift into a real gear that is truly "wing man" mode? That's funny. I suppose women do this as well when we travel always in pairs to the ladies room. We do this to verbally recap whatever event we are partaking in. Chit chat, you know. Funny about your having to tame your friend lest he spilled his obnoxiousness within a 4-block radius. Good stuff. It's nice playing hero instead of the dude in distress isn't it?

Happy 29th! Hope you have a smashing year ahead! Smashing not smashed, bud bud.

I hope your TSM journey is shorter than mine! We do drink similarly, however, I have 12 years on you and drank alcoholically for that length of time. Lots of triggers and habits were instilled in that decade plus. So let's hope that you can regain control in 7-9 months!

Criminy. 80's Baby did it in like three months so anything is possible.

I recovered in much the same way you are too. It's better if I don't start the engine in the first place, as you described, because if I do then I am likely to drink high amounts just as I did last night: 8 beers in total. Which is a lot less than pre-TSM but it was enough that I blacked-out while talking on the phone to a buddy in Juneau. That reminds me- I'm going to have to call him and ask him what I said. The call lasted 26 minutes. I recall none of it but a brief flash. Gathering those stupid breadcrumbs like dumb Gretel is something I am definitely not going to miss. The point is, when I choose to drink, and now it really is a conscious and deliberate choice, my tendency is still to binge. No brake once I start. Or rarely.

Dude, you would be a blast to roam a town with. I don't know about your posse... seems like you have to babysit a lot. Payback's a bitch. I am certain they babysat you a hundred times. Each.

I bet I know your birthday wish too, Hess. It's sure to be granted.

You'll get there.

Pinky swear,

Ketchikan1

Hey Hess -

Happy birthday and congrats on another week of soldiering towards your goal. You're wrestling the big rubbery monster (think cheap Japanese sci fi) big time right now; it's trying to keep its grip on you but you're breaking free.

No need for Ultra Man and his beta capsule (that dates me; who else here even know what I'm talking about?).

Great that you've got a totally out-there goal to work for this summer. And I'm sure you have some surly plans for the game on Sunday. Go Pats!

Thanks for the feeback, all.


Ketch,

Haha yes - typically I was a handful, but at least I am a generally jolly and non-confrontational when drunk. Most of my friends are fine, but my roommate can become and extremely unpleasant and bitter dude when he's sh*tfaced. It's gotten worse over the past few years, and the fact that he is 6'3" 250 lbs makes him difficult to control once he reaches surly mode.

As for the wing-manning, I like helping my buddies out - which was something I was often too incoherent or incapacitated to do pre-TSM. I've really been enjoying this.


Tiller, I'll be in Boston for the game, so no matter the outcome it's going to be a sh*tshow at ground zero.

As for the big rubbery monster, I'm taking the Dave Chappelle approach...

http://www.straight-p.com/coppermine/albums/gifs/blackzilla.gif

Hi Hess

It's great to hear you are wing-manning for your roommate instead of the other way around. Doesn't it do wonders for your self-esteem as well as your friendships?
Nal on!

Sticky

Hi Hess,

What great and encouraging news! Its got to be a great feeling to feel in control while others are cleary not. Congratulations on your progress. This is all so inspirational.

Thank you!

Hi all,

There's no really easy way to say this, but the past week was a bit of a disaster for me. TSM took a pretty severe hit. Thinking about writing this post reminded me of Andy M's thread. TSM seemed to be progressing quite smoothly for him, and then he hit a pretty severe speed bump that led to his wife threatening to leave him. I remember getting to that post and feeling pretty demoralized about this treatment, basically thinking that it was a pipedream to assume that this would work for me. It is not my intention for this post to turn any lurkers off to TSM, but I have to be honest with myself. This was a bad week.

Yesterday was the focus of this veritable sh*tstorm, so I'll relay the events. I knew I was going to be in for a rough day because I had both a basketball game and the freakin' Super Bowl. The team I root for (the Patriots) were looking to avenge a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss to the Giants in '08. The whole area has been buzzing for weeks. Here is an edited recap that I emailed out to my friends, so I'm just going to copy it here. I'm warning you now that this is pretty shameful. Names and details have been redacted to protect the innocent.

-----

Yesterday ended up being one of the weirdest days of my life. Some highlights...

- Waking up at 11 am to the sound of <roommate> cackling and mentioning for the 700th time that Jim Beam cinnamon is delicious in coffee.
- Watching the <basketball team> blow a 15 point lead against a very beatable <opposing basketball team> and losing in overtime on a bullsh*t 3-pointer...with <stud recruit> in attendance. A harbinger of things to come.
- Deciding to hit the <legendary strip club> after the game.
- Watching <friend from NYC> molest no less than two strippers while <roommate> and I chatted with a chick with "Relentless" tattooed on her <chest>.
- Realizing that <friend from NYC> is completely BOC'ed while trying to <verb redacted> a 90 lb stripper in the middle of the <legendary strip club>.
- <friend from NYC> passing out on the couch while <roommate> and I pack a lapper in anticipation of the Super Bowl.
- Walking to <bar> while <friend from NYC> dozes on the couch...during the f*cking Super Bowl.
- <roommate> insisting that we get a table, even though they are all reserved.
- <roommate> succeeding in getting us a table (well done, big guy - MVP of the day).
- Crushing this amazing drink called a USA bomber. You drop a blue shot into a red and white drink, and pound that sh*t. USA. USA. USA.
- Is it just me, or did the Super Bowl last about 15 minutes? I blame the bombers.
- Ignoring <friend from NYC> calls while watching the game and inhaling fried pickles.
- <roommate> leaving the bar immediately after the brutal loss, while I sat slumped against my chair looking borderline comatose.
- Texting my dad a string of f-bombs, which I'm sure he appreciated.
- Receiving this text from <Giants fan> that made me want to cry: "The electricity in this city is unparalleled. They're bumping ny state of mind and Sinatra...you guys can't match this." In this instant, I would've traded anything to hear "Shipping Up To Boston" while drinking champagne to toast a Pats SB victory.
- Instead...I leave the bar and walk to the Shell station to buy a tinner and a bottle of water. I dump the bottle of water out in the parking lot and pack a lapper.
- Swinging by the <neigborhood bar> to drink by myself while dipping at the bar.
- Another Pats fan limps in and we commiserate while talking to the woman sitting next to us. It is quickly revealed that this woman is dating the bartender (also a woman), so we get round upon round of free drinks. A young lady sits next to me, so I chat her up and buy her a drink. This is where the night would get very strange.
- Tipping the bartender 400% and leaving the <neighborhood bar> to head to this girl's friend's house.
- Smoking weed at this random house in <neighborhood>, while the young lady starts getting very handsy with me.
- Losing my favorite Red Sox hat at some point.
- Bringing the young lady back to the apartment. Dismissing <friend from NYC> upon my arrival to have drunken, depressing sex with this girl that I just met.
- Escorting the girl out of the apartment at 3 am to rousing applause from <friend from NYC>.
- <friend from NYC> resurrecting himself and insisting I continue drinking with him. I tell him to go f*ck himself and promptly vomit fried pickles all over the bathroom.
- Waking up at 7:30 to my alarm going off.
- Throwing my alarm clock across the room.
- Emerging from my den of shame at 10:30 to drag my sorry *ss to work.

-----

Sorry if that was too much, but I need to be honest with myself that I can't keep doing this sh*t. I was drinking for about 15 hours, so this is clearly an example of "drinking through the Nal." While we were watching the Super Bowl, I really struggled to put beers down (and had I been at home, I probably would've stopped drinking altogther and just passed out...I felt completely miserable). In order to get myself through the game, I switched to whiskey which pretty much guaranteed a sh*tshow.

I was driving (late) into work today, and everything seemed to hit me at once. It was a beautiful day, and my presence was just completely ruining it. My jacket smelled like cigarettes, my back was hurting, I looked like a trainwreck in the rearview mirror, a depressing Alexi Murdoch song was playing...it was just too much. All I wanted to do was to turn the car around and go home and get sh*tfaced. The old "blur everything away that is wrong in life" trigger. It was brutal. I was super excited to flip the calendar to 2012 and kick off year 29 with a good start. This has not been a good start.

Anyway, my overall totals for the week were not as terrible as I thought they were gonna be, but they were still up there pretty high.

Mon - 8.5
Tues - AF
Wed - 7
Thurs - AF
Fri - 9.32
Sat - 9.5
Sun - 15.65

Total - 42.97

I hope everyone else had a much more reasonable week. Thanks for reading, and sorry if this post came across as dramatic, but I am struggling mightily today.

-H

Such beautifully expressed misery.....

Your winter of discontent. So be it.

You're extinguishing MAJOR triggers that have been deeply ingrained, my friend. Please look at it this way and you will see the silver lining shining through those dark, damp clouds hovering closely above you. Man, have I been there. Just when you think you've settled into cozy progression-- all that cushion collapses and you hit the ground face first. Another blackout. Another one night stand. Another win for the alcoholic, smiling now oh so smugly, within. "What the f*&k happened??" you wonder.

Answer: You are on track now more than ever.

Let's review how many triggers you faced:

1) Sporting events. There were two. Basketball AND the holy grail of biblical proportion-- the Superbowl. Add also the fact that you were emotionally invested because it was your beloved Pats playing.

2) Disappointment and loss. Your guys failed and that had to hurt. For me, sensitivity sends me reeling and wanting to seek out substances o' numb. Might this be a trigger for you as well?

3) Strip clubs. I'll say no more.

4) Boston.

5) Your posse.

6) Losing your beloved hat which most men think of as a friend, a security blanket, a "Binky." That too I'm sure stung. I just hope that your hat has a fitted bill. There's nothing worse than a straight bill. Just sayin'.

I am certain that if you recollect the whole of what occured, you will be able to pinpoint even more triggers you had to meet and endure. That you drank is no surprise as that was your primary coping mechanism for many moons. You gotta love your brain for attempting to adhere to the status quo you put in place. Your modis operendi is shifting and your brain, gobsmacked, is scrambling.

Pick yourself up, dust off and move forward.

And don't believe everything you think.

Onward,

Ketchikan1

Poor Hess, we've ALL been there. God, your evening sounds like pretty much every wednesday night I had from 2006-2009. And no, I'm not kidding (why wednesday? it was trivia at my local bar and then karaoke at this club my friends and i liked...needless to say we all did have school or work on thursdays though!). Anyways, there was a time when these crazy long random nights felt exciting, fun, not that absurd. Now as you say....we can't keep doing this ****!!!

"I was drinking for about 15 hours, so this is clearly an example of "drinking through the Nal." While we were watching the Super Bowl, I really struggled to put beers down (and had I been at home, I probably would've stopped drinking altogther and just passed out...I felt completely miserable). In order to get myself through the game, I switched to whiskey which pretty much guaranteed a sh*tshow"
Yes, in a nutsheel you've identified your own problem lol. This is exactly what happens to me too.
Hess, it will get better. You just might have to do a few things to help it along, I think. 1) one 50mg pill is not going to cover you for 15 hours. You know that. Bring an extra pill or even better don't sign yourself up for 15 hr drinking sessions 2)try and stick to the beer if alcohol is what makes the shitshow come to town. 3) maybe try exerting a modicum of willpower? Like setting limits before you start drinking and trying to keep to them? Just some thoughts, Hang in there Hess, we're all rooting for you!

Ketch - you have no idea how sad I am about that hat. It had 7+ years of perfect wear and tear, and it was the physical manifestation of a bond between me and my father. For the record, I can't rock a straight bill - my head is too skinny.



Thank you for the support, ladies.

-H