Hello everyone! And thanks for your support!

I haven’t given a good description of my drinking in a few weeks. I am still drinking about 750 ml of wine a day. This translates to about 5.5 units (US) per day. My consumption spikes about once a week. Usually when I feel like I don’t want anymore, but for some stupid reason I keep drinking. Anyway, some days I am only a two glass guy. My usage per week is still at 35. I remember going to bed 13 out of 14 times….

I am high for the upper limits of moderate drinking. That’s ok. I am light years from where I was a few months ago.

Frustratingly, I still feel moments of abnormality. I am still laughing at myself for attempting to replicate a normal life by reducing everything to a project plan, albeit a loosely planned one. It is a melding of my two disciplines applied to my life as an alcoholic. Which is also funny, I will admit to alcoholism here, but I would never admit to it with a stepper or any other creature I view as illogical.

I am dreaming again. In fact, almost every night I dream that I can remember. For me, dreams aren’t always pleasant. That’s a problem I will have to work out. I don’t like the dreams, and that may have incentivized me to drink more previously. The dreams aren’t as vivid as before, but they are there. Interestingly, I usually sleep through them. I didn't before. Time and distance.

I am still spending too much time alone, which frightens me: I could grow comfortable hiding myself. It’s just easier. It still creeps me out that I am trying to reduce this to a project plan. I didn’t recognize that until I went back over my posts. I feel a need to reconnect with people without alcohol. So, the project plans seem to be a rational response.

My mind is becoming sharper, which I feel. I have begun applying to graduate schools for later this year. Which is funny, I have been saying for 12 years I needed to go back, but that would have gotten in the way of my drinking. No use crying over spilt milk. I hope to finish the whole process of applying to graduate school in the next four months. It will be something to occupy myself. As far as TSM, I have nothing but time.

I am still holding alcohol in my mouth before swallowing. I am going to move on from merlot soon: it's starting to taste horrible.

Keep on keeping on!

Hey HF-- great progress thusfar. You seem so focused and determined to see TSM through to a triumphant end. I am definitely rooting for you!

That you have aspirations to continue in school is AWESOME!!!!!

What possibilities lay before us all once we get our alcoholism under manageable control!

P.S. I loathe AA too...... What's to like? The wallowing, the narrow-mindedness? The arrogance? The rote jargen? Blah, blah, boo, hoo, blah, boo, hoo, yawn, and a bigger yawn....

Quick update: I had something happen today. I don't take naps often. Today, I did. The last few times I have had a change, I have been really sleepy and slept for hours. Well, tonight, I can't drink. Took the nal. Opened the bottle. Drank one glass. Left the other on the counter. Just poured it out. And I am sleepy again. Dead tired again. The sleep is different when these changes happen. I cannot put my finger on why, but it's not a restful sleep. I sweat. When I wake, I am tired again.

I had a bit of trouble with sleep and bad dreams when I started on nal - it's ok now. Maybe this is a strange side effect that will pass?
Good on your for applying to grad school. Although lemme tell you, that was a drinking binge of 7 years for me lol I imagine you are not doing a humanities PhD however, so you should be safe

Keep on keeping on, HF. The progress is there and surely slower than you'd like but it's there. Who knows what the sleep is about? So much has been going on for/with you it makes sense you'd be exhausted.

Keep checking in, pal.

Thanks, Ketch! I appreciate that someone else thinks AA is bs. I have made bitter statements here about it. I appreciate your support, more than you know.

Tiller, you and I have travelled this road about the same length of time. I think we are in similar places, I was excited to read you have made the first switch. It seems we all move from type to type. The sleep thing is something I have picked up on, I think it is some kind of activity. It isn’t the nal, it is something else. I am not sure what happens, but it’s the second time this has happened and I have a reduction afterwards. I get really tired and sleep a lot, then I am fine. I feel better than fine. Might be my imagination.

Electralou, I won’t be doing a PHD! Not sure I have the brain power. I know I can’t stand that much of academia. I am doing a master’s in my discipline. Unfortunately, in my discipline, if I went past a master’s my earning power drops. Strange isn’t it? I plan to open a business in a smaller town and in a state where I am required to have a master’s degree. The good news is I will be able to teach while I am building the business. It’s not much money, but it’s enough to pay the bills and start something off. And, to my benefit, my discipline is hard to find teachers who are qualified to teach outside of cities. The idea of not answering to the corporate powers that be is tempting. It’s a long range goal, as grad school will take me a year.

I still have low numbers this week, even with football. I am on track to finish mid 30’s again. I go to bed sober. I awake without hangover. It isn’t quite the same old same old! But it isn’t the land of milk and honey, either.

New rule: no drinking with meals. It has dawned on me alcohol and food is a habit. So, new rule water or ice tea when I eat. Without fail. I will drink before, but preferably after.

Makes sense. Whatever you can do to throw a change-up at the patterns. Just remember El's rule not to drink on an empty stomach!

As I write this, I am drinking a glass of wine and settling in for the night. I haven’t been posting much. I find I am in a bit of a funk. I keep drinking, with every other night being intoxication. So, there you have it. The unit count is still holding at an average of about five per day, though last week I binged twice.

I am grinding along. I don’t care to force an AF day, so I am not going to push things. On the other hand, I feel I am changing. I drink, but the enjoyment is truly gone. When I quit smoking, I used zyban, patches and a motivational tape. For the first week, I could smoke all I wanted. The last two days of that, I had to force myself to smoke. I would light up, the taste would be horrible. I would put it out. But, I still wanted something. When I started the patches, I never looked back. That’s where I am with TSM. I think if there were some kind of patch, I would be fine. Now, it’s just mechanical.

The funniest part is some alcohol makes me queasy. It’s funny how that works. I have been dealing with this for a while, I want to drink. I drink, at some point it’s tasting bad. But the addiction is I still drink the same amount.

Anyway, for today, I am safe. I am dreaming of tomorrow, and not just dreaming, doing. I have found a few schools where I can start quickly. All are regionally accredited universities (which means they are real schools,) one a state school, the other two are private. Two have the specialized master’s I need for mobility. The other simply has a cookie cutter MBA program I would finish and take 18 hours in my discipline. I really don’t see a downside to finding these schools and the loop hole that let's me skip the normal process. I am going to be here a while before I return to the piney woods of my home. Might as well make the most of it.

My non TSM new year’s resolutions are the following:

1. Get into grad school.
2. Keep socializing without alcohol
3. Work out three times a week.
4. Hike every other weekend.
5. Run a half marathon.
6. Finish Rosetta Stone Latin (I want to read the Emperor in his own words)
7. Until grad school, read a book a week
8. Watch less TV
9. Volunteer four hours per month
10. Finish reading Letters from a Stoic, The Meditations and the self study program with them

I hope it will be an eventful year, in a good way. I am far from where I began this. I would be plastered this time of night. I am not. I am actually sleepy, so I will bid you all a good night!

Hi HF!

My you do have quite the agenda! I hope you accomplish all that and more! I found that I kept my to-do list relatively short and the expectations for myself and a better life low in the beginning of my treatment because I was completely-- and I am not shitting you-- COMPLETELY, TOTALLY and UTTERLY RAVAGED due to my daily heavy drinking a year ago. I binged hard too in addition to my hardcore, daily drinking. It was nothing short of sickening!

God, it was all I could do to simply hang on in the beginning......

I just sighed a great sigh of relief just now. Alcoholism sure puts us through the ringer eh? How's your mom? Does she know your plans?

You mentioned that you are tangled up in blue lately.... perhaps you might have an underlying depression issue? Or are you frustrated TSM doesn't work as fast as we'd like? Deep breath now. You'll get there!!

There's plenty of time to gobble up the world. I am encouraging you to take it easy. Force nothing. Be kind to yourself. Pat yourself on the back for even the slightest progress. With each sip you are closer.

Take care,

Ketchikan1