hi tiller,

congrats on the no hangover NYD! me neither - YAY! my mom used to say what you do new year's day sets the tone for the rest of the year. i'm pretty sure i've had some form of a hanover on that day for the last 20 years (until this year), so maybe there is something to it?

you posted some pretty insightful posts over the last week or so. i too have wondering about the daily vs binge drinkers outcomes and timelines. both have shown success but i agree the bingers seem to take the super responding trophy. i HATE the struggle i have to not drink everyday, but like deja said, i feel lucky to have not had some of the issues others have had. my dh doesn't even think i have a drinking problem except for the occasional eye roll he gives when i get my fourth glass of wine (which he thinks is my second or third). segue to your post about tsm not being easy and all of us keeping it real. i get SO much from this board since no one knows i'm doing this. i try to support people here, but i know i don't give half of what i get from all of you (and from those who have posted and moved on). i appreciate everyone's positive thoughts, their advice, and honestly just hearing them bitch about drinking, life, and how tough it can be. i have cried reading through many threads, laughed my a** off at even more, and above all just felt like i'm not alone in this. i'm all for keeping it real!

anyhow, you are a rockstar on this board, tiller. can't wait to see your name on the cured list in 2012!
-pep

I'm happy to report what I think has been a breakthrough week. Just 27 units down from 45-50. More importantly, I detect a real change in how I feel and think.

I've been a daily drinker for decades. In recent years I've spent most days with some level of hangover. Tired, unhappy, etc.

I've known for a long time that I need to drop the hard stuff. Last Sunday I pulled the vodka from the freezer and poured myself a double. I stood in the kitchen, looking at the glass in my hand. I didn't really want to taste the drink. I wanted what it would do for my craving. But in spite of the gravitational pull I dumped the glass and the bottle. Had a beer instead. At first I was a bit panicked -- can't buy booze on Sundays here -- but then a sense of calm came over me.

Over a long evening I only had one additional beer. It was hard to get to sleep that night so I took a pill. Next day I felt great. I went to work out at the gym and kept busy when the evening craving kicked in. Did some relaxation breathing and tried some meditation. Had a few beers over the course of the evening and left it at that. Still had trouble with sleep so took a sleeping pill.

The next nights grew easier. Had 2-4 beers over the course of four or five hours. Used moderation/distraction techniques to stay busy. Eventually got to falling asleep naturally.

What's most important is I felt a definite change in the intensity and type of craving this week. No longer felt the desperate pull to get smashed. Just wanted to enjoy having a few beers, making good food, reading. The urgent, anxious feelings were far less intense. It took some willpower to get through the week this way, but it was easier than it's ever been.

It's like that feeling you get (up here in the Northland anyway) in late winter when the days start to grow longer and warmer and you know you can make it through. That's how I felt as the week went on.

So I think I've turned an important first corner with TSM.

I was in the liquor store yesterday buying lite beer. The bottles of bourbon and vodka tugged at me a bit but I thought, "That would be fun but I can't drink that stuff now. Maybe later. Maybe never."

This past week I was more productive and at ease with life than I can remember. Kept it moderate, which is my goal. I plan to work incrementally to some occasional AF days. I can actually imagine doing that now. It will continue to take work and some willpower, but I'm so enjoying the way the evenings feel -- and the way the next day feels -- that I'm motivated to keep it going. This is classic TSM and also classic "smart recovery."

As for the coincidence with the calendar, this was NOT a New Year's resolution. I don't really do those. It just sort of happened, albeit with a hard decision at first to dump the hooch.

I am a born skeptic. Deep down it's hard to let myself believe this may actually be working. But I've spent 20 weeks muddling though and I can say that I really did feel different this week. I know it's what other before me have reported. Not a miracle, but a certain shift in the road, a new, subtle, downward slope.

There may well be setbacks ahead. And I have no idea what the destination will be like. My goal is control. For once it feels like I'm actually heading there.

Thanks, TSMers, for all the support you've given and will provide in the future. It really matters. Onward!

Tiller,

I can't tell you how encouraging your latest post is. And informative AND truly helpful. I think that you've given us a "textbook" instance of how, at a certain point--perhaps when that neural superhighway has significantly less traffic roaring down it--you are suddenly able to do what you'd never been able to do before, i.e., pour the vodka out, switch to beer, and push through the discomfort. And experience that discomfort lessening significantly.

A great example of the conjunction of the medicine doing its part, and will power being effectively employed WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Thanks for sharing your wonderful progress. I know you are going to be up there on the "cured" list.

Deja

whoa doggies, Tiller!

You have made my day, with that good report of your last week. I noticed you seemed to be laying low last week, but I had no IDEA you were up to good!!! That sounds very, very major, getting rid of that chilled vodka and then enjoying moderate amounts of beer all week. A definite paradigm shift, and it's your turn to succeed, much deserved!

Chrissie

Great job Tiller! I agree with you that that sounds like a corner turned. We all want miracles but TSM works in these more subtle ways most of the time. What TSM allows you is to finally make a CHOICE. You might still choose to get smashed one day - but it will be a choice, not just you on autopilot because you are afraid of feeling what NOT drinking is like.
Good luck sticking to beer and keeping it moderate!

Thanks, friends. Your support means so much to me.

Awesome last post, buddy!!!!

Sounds to me that you are enjoying being the captain of your soul for a change and you are less likely to succomb to the whips and winds of your alcoholic tidal tendency.

Way to go!!!!!!

Captain on,

Ketchikan1

Yayyyy...I am so happy for you! You are such an encouraging member of this board, it is great to hear you have such a wonderful turn of events.

Tiller, you are making awesome progress! You are near the upper limit of moderate drinking, and even better, you are thinking about alcohol differently! That's huge! Pouring bottles it is huge!!!

Way to go!

Great progress, Tiller - I was really happy to read this. Keep coming up with subsitutions for saucing (cooking, reading, relaxing) and you'll continue to reinforce this corner that you've turned.

Thanks for all your encouragement on this forum.

-H