Hi EL,

Sounds like things may be smoothing out a bit. I'm so happy for you that the bf is cooking and taking care of you. So important during difficult life transitions. I think its wise of you to wait and see how you feel at the three month mark regarding your job. Also, if you do actually achieve a free lance schedule, it will be so worth it. There is nothing like being your own boss with your own schedule. But it takes a bit of luck and a lot of hard work.

Best of luck to you.....

How about Christmas Karaoke with your new work colleagues... surely that will unite everybody? Non?

Glad you are doing well - keep it up.

Hi EL

I related to your post. I used to get Sunday-itis. Now I work from home it's not so bad. When I was down country recently and we (mums and teachers) drank wine every night, I struggled after that to not drink so often. But it wasn't even stressful! I had a room to myself in a motel with a double bed. On one of the school trips I went on a few years ago I shared a bunk room with 12 giggling girls. The fire alarm went off at 10.30 pm because one of the mums sprayed the fly spray too close to it, the whole camp had to evacuate and we got very little sleep! Luckily alcohol is banned on school trips with younger kids when you are staying with them. I had no excuse this time except that we were allowed to drink and I still often drink alcoholically. On the trip down country I hid wine away in my room and drank 2 nights in a row in the middle of the night when I woke up. Sometimes I hide wine under the bed at home because hubby doesn't like me to drink in bed and I still can't stop when I'd like to. (I often go to bed before him.) Then there is the guilt/shame/secrecy over disposing of it the next day. Now I am being really honest. I knew I was in trouble when I was hiding things from you guys who not only are really supportive but are online and I'm never going to meet you (sadly). Hope hubby or anyone I know never reads this. If they came on this site I would be quite obvious - i am the only Kiwi who has hung around since Kiwichick. There I go - total paranoia again and thinking the whole world revolves around me, which of course it doesn't. See my post about my day on my weekly progress if you thing i've gone totally mad!!

Sorry EL - that was all totally self-obsessed. Don't feel bad that you don't have the time you had before to support us. Our circumstances all change. I really appreciate your support and hope things improve for you. Chin up!!

cheers
Sticky

Hi EL - just wanted to say Happy Holidays. I hope you get some much-deserved time off to recharge over the next few weeks.

As long as you can keep it to only one or two drinks p/ day to burn off some stress, I wouldn't be too worried. The trouble starts when those drinks at the end of the day become the only thing that you look forward to (and subsequently multiply like Gremlins).

Hopefully things will start to settle down for you! Take care.

-H

OOOOOh I spoke too soon, that's for sure. Last week's recap was around 25, including christmas. Actually christmas eve and day were fine, about 5 units each. The thursday before, however, I was so glad to not be going to work that I partied very hard and resumed my old habits: after a super fun dinner party with friends, I refused to go home and instead went bar crawling by myself. Don't remember getting home and most definitely blacked out. I'm guessing 12 units that night but who knows. It was just like the nal never existed, drank straight through it, and alcohol was as fun (and terrible) as it was before. Threw up multiple times on Friday, which was GREAT.
Similar thing then happened monday night (which is not included in this weekly total, my weeks being mon-to-sun). So my parents are moving back to France. I knew it would happen eventually but have not really been facing it. They've already moved me around a lot as a kid (including from France here, obvy) so the house they are leaving is not exactly my childhood home. However, it is the place I have thought of as my "safe place" for a very long. I mean this both figuratively and literally - when in therapy groups we were asked to find a mental safe place, it was always the kitchen in that house that I pictured. ANYWAYS. I spent the holidays helping my parents move into a condo while they sell the house (they should move definitely next month or so). As if it weren't depressing enough throwing out your belongings and moving into a pre-fab condo on christmas, my parents refused to acknowledge that I might be sad about leaving this house. And them leaving the country. Basically I think that Monday night, my last night in the house forever, was a huge trigger. And in a way I didn't want to be fully conscious for leaving in the morning, so I gave myself a nasty nasty hangover instead. Basically no huge harm done, just watched movies and used the internet and whatnot, but I gave my mother a huge fright at 6am when she got up and I was still in the kitchen on the computer. I don't know if she or my dad realized how much I drank that night, or if htye just thought I was staying up late, or what. I am embarassed and ashamed and well, you guys know the drill. So embarassed I went back to New York (from my parents' condo in CT) just to avoid them. though I have to go back tomorrow to deal with a few loose ends...
I think I've been lax on TSM. there have definitely been nights where I didn't take nal and only had a drink or two, but I suspect that that is screwing me up for the bigger nights, although the consequences are not so directly visible. (I did take 50mg both of the nights mentioned above). I think I need to stick to 50mg almost all the time (there being a few exceptions where I am pretty sure 25mg will still be fine). I also think I need to go back to exerting willpower a bit over not drinking. Having AF days was never a challenge before but now they are becoming rarer and I am not a fan of that.
Anyways, back on the wagon I guess, but I feel pretty demoralized.

Hi El, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all understand the two difficult situations. One is quite fun; the other is particularly dangerous.

1. Going on a bender by yourself
In search of a late night karaoke bar eh? I'm glad it went without a major incident. Any idea where you went? It used to be fun figuring out what happened, but now (I know) it's totally exhausting. What is it with our approach? "Damn the consequences, I NEED TO FIND LIFE?"

Part of me thinks I've had my best nights when out on 'a mission' like this... but when looking back it's quite sad. Especially when your group of new friends asks, "So where are your friends then?"
I'm just glad you survived NYC on the bizarre Drunk Autopilot we all seem to posses

How can you deal with this? Our brain understands how Nal can affect our drinking, so you have to be extra smart. If you really don't want to blackout, an extra 25mg is safe and will never cause problems. Have you tried this?
It has certainly worked for me.


2. Staying up all night getting super absorbed on the PC.
That manic energy is fantastic. I'm not sure this is a problem. We want to get in that state. It's harmless (mostly) so why not... as long as you take Nal then why not do it now and again. Just be careful if you like eBay as it gets quite expensive!

Sounds like Christmas only had a little ‘wobble’ keep it going - you have done so well. Keep your chin up me ‘old fruit.

Andy.

Hi there EL,

Ahhh we've all been there and know exactly how you are feeling. I used to go out alone too. It is dangerous I agree. But someone on this forum said something that really stuck with me."Feeling crappy about yourself after a binge has its purpose". I would be more worried about you if you were not concerned about it. It is simply your conscience reminding you that you are on a mission. That is all. I'm very glad you are safe! But still, you have to be kind to yourself and don't let up. Take your nal and take extra if you are drinking longer. I find it helps me. Blackouts suck and they are exhausting as Andy said. Also, you should be very proud that your are happy to have AF days with little or no problem. I havn't had one in months. So here's to you. Keep going.....

Best wishes for a happy new year.

Thanks Andy for the chin up I should rephrase: when I said I blacked out and don't remember getting home, I DO remember the last bar I was at, what I ordered, how I paid etc, though some of the conversations are very vague. I vaguely remember getting a cab and that's when I blacked out. So basically, getting home, putting on my PJS, brushing my teeth..the boring stuff This seems to be a trend with my blackouts - that I never really black out while I'm out, just once I'm home, like my brain lets its guard down or something. Something to be thankful for, I guess
Anyways, I there's been an inordinate stress on me recently (the parental move, fighting with my parents about various issues related to that, my stressful job that I hate, the fact that I still have no health insurance, not having enough time to take care of myself and work out, etc) and I guess I am not superhuman. Like you said, more of a wobble than a bender but I am quite embarrassed to see my parents again tomorrow.

EL: It makes perfect sense that a big stress like your parents moving and the loss of the historical safe space would spark you to seek familiar relief. On top of all the other stuff dogging you lately.

The good news is you have an international community of fellow travelers, some whom call you Old Fruit!.

Weekly recap time, including new years: 17 friggin units!!! I am very pleased. Now, this was a strange week, as Monday was my big binge at my parents' house for the last night. It was definitely compulsive drinking, and I stayed up til 6am, blew right through the nal, and had a crippling hangover the next day. I'm ESTIMATING my units at 10 for that night but they could be much higher, I'm not sure. I do think that I just stopped after a while though and kept coasting on the manic energy. BUT the rest of the week was a huge success, drinking-wise. Only THREE drinks on New Year's Eve. Today is my first New Year's Day waking up without a hangover in... I don't know, 11 years or more? It's pretty amazing of a feeling, and I am really happy to be starting 2012 this way.
Now, the bad news. I basically had a horrible time on New Year's Eve, and in general the nal has been giving me great social anxiety recently. As you all know, I am going through a difficult time right now, and I feel like when I take nal it REALLY makes me depressed. I'm really going to try and drink as little as possible this upcoming week to try and test my theory. Today, no nal and no booze, and I feel LIGHTYEARS happier than I did yesterday, when I could barely make conversation, I was so glum. All I wanted to do was barf, then curl up in bed and cry. This is not a normal state of affairs for me, and I am really not sure that it was just my mood sans nal. A worrying development. all week when I've taken nal it has been making me quite nauseous again, and just generally...blah, if not outright depressed. I'm keeping my eyes on this.
But otherwise....hangover free 2012 beginning - loving it!!!
Happy New Years to all!