Hi, these are the River threads Mario is talking about:

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2656

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=2666

Curi

Thanks for catching me up, Curi! I don't come here as often anymore.

I didn’t mention in my update my tolerance is changing. It’s almost like I am climbing out of this in exact reverse of how I went in. During my sink in to this morass, my tolerance would vary. That’s happening again, it’s scary because I cannot predict what my tolerance will be. Accordingly, I am not going to drink outside my home anymore. I just can’t risk a negative outcome when I am so close to finishing this.

Not to be dramatic, but I can almost feel my mind becoming clearer each day. I search for words much less often. My memory is improving. It’s as if I am living my path to addiction in reverse.

I quit drinking beer, I simply don’t have the taste for it anymore. I drink red wine instead. Prior to TSM, one 1.5 liter bottle would last me one night, it now lasts 2-3 days. I still have my binge days. But the overall numbers are down. The trend is down. I still religiously measure all my drinks. I only use a cup if I measure the capacity with a measuring cup. And mark the cup with a line. And then keep a series of tick marks to measure consumption.

My experiment of two back-to-back AF days was a failure. My consumption went up considerably, until I made up the difference. So, I am starting with an AF day per week. Then I want to move to every third day being AF. If that works, I will add days separated by several drinking days.

The recent hiccup with River has me extremely concerned. And caused me to do some thinking. The Federal government is building a database to contain every US citizen’s health records. This record will include our doctor’s prescriptions, notes and the offsetting data from the pharmacies. In other words, the Federal government will have every bit of personal health data concerning every US citizen. Whether you paid for the treatment or used insurance. Whether you signed to allow the release of the records or restricted your records, the information will become nearly public domain. This is the ultimate control. And I hope everyone who was wanted security understand the absolute loss of freedom and privacy this is going to become.

The government promises the data will be safe. I doubt that. Consider the way data is handled currently: large companies get every access, for no charge, while the common person cannot access any useful medical industry records (the records of physicians sued multiple times for gross malpractice come to mind.) Our data will be sold to insurance companies to deny coverage or gouge us many years after it is no longer appropriate. Just like driving or criminal records. Public records the government will claim, records without an expiration date. Imagine having naltrexone on your permanent insurance record. It’s going to happen. Prepare for it. In that line of thought, I am starting to figure a way around this. I may consider flights to Mexico or another country. I am not going to go back to what I was. I don’t care what I have to do to ensure I am not going to drink my life away. Nor is some small minded, POS bureaucrat going to brand me.

I don’t believe the bureaucrats promising I will benefit. Because I, nor anyone else on this board, will benefit. It’s going to cost us. It always does. When government is involved, they work with all the efficiency of the DMV, compassion of the Department of Revenue or IRS, and cravenness of the legislature thrown in for good measure.

Our Irish and UK friends on this board play absolute hell getting nal. And the NHS doctors react very negatively to any idea there might be some other way than the idiot Bill W’s “way.” Can’t have modern science dispose of superstitions about door knobs curing addictions…. Or that alcoholics are worthless, hopeless and weak, deserving of contempt and degradation. Or there is some way to end this cycle in a high number of individuals for very low cost. I will not live in misery because some worthless leech requires a job.

Hi HF,

Wow. You are on fire!! I love the fierce determination and fiery energy!! Especially after dealing with something as potentially depressing as your mom's situation, it's pretty amazing to see you taking exactly the opposite tack--taking on alcoholism, big pharma, petty bureaucrats, and anyone getting in the way of you going after the life you want. I am so excited for all your gains and growth, impressed by your incredible upsurge of energy, and most of all inspired by the way you are increasingly assisting the base recovery that the nal gives us with conscious actions. It is awesome to see you describe for quite a while a kind of "threshold" state of mind--where you feel almost ready for the next step, but aren't quite taking it yet--and then see you break through!!

It gives me so much hope that you are not only obviously in the midst of a spectacular life-turn-around, but that the deaddiction to alcohol is seemingly only the jumping off point for you. You are building a great life for yourself. Which is the whole point of getting the beast off our backs, right?

I guess it means a lot to me to see this life building, in you and others, because I am feeling kinda "nowhere" right now--not in terms of the alcohol and progress with TSM, but more scarily, in terms of my overall life and future. I hope I feel some certitude and positivity and like I've finally lifted off instead of that familiar "failure to launch" sensation. In the meantime it's truly breathtaking to witness you and others like you, at the very moment that they take flight and feel the wind under their wings. Sorry if that's corny and for the inadvertent Bette Midler reference. Bad song, but I mean it.

Keep up the great work, HF.

Deja

Wow HF!!!

Great piece of passionate penning!

You should run for office! You'd have my vote for sure!

I agree wholeheartedly regarding your views about the defunct, greedy, bankrupt Federal Government inching their ways into every part of our lives. The sad fact is that everything they touch turns to shite! Our rights are waived every day and in every possible way, so why would our health records be safe? Nothing is safe when a government has gotten too big for it's britches and excercises no control whatsoever. Can't even budget a damn checkbook. I don't know about you, but I have to live within my means. It is truly maddening!

However, that being said, I believe that Naltrexone will be the saving grace for worldwide suffering alcoholics and that is why I am committed to spreading the word especially with those in the medical field. If not us... who? If not now... when?

I will forge ahead with the TSM message gladly-- whether an insurance company wants my business or not. In my humble opinion, there are no secrets anyway. It all comes to light in the end.

Congrats on your progress. I like how you are treating this experience like a scientist might, I got a kick out of your measuring every unit. Do you drink from a beaker too Dr. Fuel?

Grinning loudly,

Ketchikan1

Deja, we only have one life, beyond that no one knows, if anyone claims they know what’s next, they are either as mad as Bill W or as big a liar. I have lived in the shadow of my potential for years: limited in my potential by flawed thinking and, sadly, simply being hung over. I have found the biggest part of a positive outcome is simply showing up prepared. Being properly prepared is pretty darned hard when you are hung over, tired, and your mind is not clear. And, one isn’t going to realize their potential under those circumstances.

I wanted so much, yet have done so little. All because I couldn’t control myself. I was playing with fire and had a good time at first. Unfortunately, over time, I lost control. It was inevitable. But, that’s all going to be behind me soon. Something is different the past couple of weeks, I can feel it, but I can’t explain exactly what “it” is. It’s hard to put my fingers on, but I can almost feel my mind returning. I am doing more. I can understand things with greater ease, I have energy. I think it’s evidenced by my posts, my mind is changing. I woke up at 0600 this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ready to meet the day. First time in years I felt that good!

Something we should all consider is how long we have been drinking at alcoholic levels. Now that I have been thinking about it, and looking, I have been drinking at alcoholic levels off and on since I was 15. But the key is the breaks. When I came out of college, I binged on weekends. Not during the week. In my late twenties, things began to go downhill. For the last 10 years, things got way the hell out of hand. I have had several negative outcomes and lost friends to this mess. Heck, I haven’t unpacked all my stuff and lived like a normal person in over 10 years.

These things are in the past, there is only tomorrow. One of the most beautiful thoughts I have read, to summarize, “The past is the past, you cannot change it. You cannot influence the now, but tomorrow, that you can influence.”

The question is what do we want? What are our dreams? Aspirations? Those things we all have put to the side to drink. All of those things outside of our comfort zones we have dreamed of but were afraid. Those things are living! Living isn’t hiding in our houses, afraid to go out for fear of what we will do.

I know we can’t have everything we dream of, but we can have more than we had before TSM. Just think if all the money and time we applied to being really good at alcoholics was applied to something else! I used to go out and drink $50 a night, four nights a week. That’s a small house payment! Not to mention all the incidental costs. Heck, I just wish I could get attorney’s fees back!

Now, just how much living can I do with that? I can do many things, but those are all monetary, and impermanent. Most important to me now is trying to live a good life. It’s hard to describe, but I would like to simply wish to be content. I don’t require as much as I thought before this whole alcohol problem. However, a part of being content is to actually want what you have. I don’t want to be a drunk anymore. I never set out to be a drunk in the first place. None of our true natures is to be a drunk, or more politely, an alcoholic. We are so much more. I cannot imagine someone saying, “you know, today I am just going to ruin my life with alcohol.”

It’s the relationships with people I want most to work on. I have missed so much from hiding. I have damaged relationships with people who matter. My flawed thinking allowed others to use me, so a housecleaning is in order. I am certain there are awesome people who don’t live their lives in bars out in the world somewhere. I just have to figure out where they go and what they do. And I am going to!

Ketch, it’s my nature to track things! And thank you for the compliment! What I am attempting to do is replicate the exact conditions of the Combine Study. I cannot track my progress if I don’t track every drop. The experimental protocol was, as we all know, 50mg nal one hour before drinking, track units and cravings. I have a problem with that last part, I lack the ability to describe the level of craving. I simply don’t understand the levels mean: I either can taste and really want a drink or I do not.

In the study, half of those who did not succeed failed because they did not take the medicine as prescribed. The others either couldn’t tolerate the nal or dropped out for other reasons. I will not fail for a lack of compliance. Nor for any other reason.

For the first time in my life, I am fighting like hell to be like everyone else. And I promise, soon I will be!

HF, I saw a post from you re availability of nal in Ireland on Andrea's thread. I was speaking with a TSM'er during the weekend and it seems there is a doctor in London who will prescribe nal. Its quite easy to get from any part of Ireland into London relativly cheaply. From what I understand he will then do a couple of phone consultations after that but I guess he would need to see one every so often. In any case this has put my mind to rest completly as I was getting worried as most online pharmacys wont deliver to Ireland as the IMB and customs are so strict. Ive had an order of nal stepped and held before.

All day chemist have been very good to me though and will, if I ring them beforehand reroute the order through the US or the UK.

What an inspirational post, HF! I really hope you get to fulfill your true potential. I know exactly what you mean about us not CHOOSING to ruin our lives with alcohol. We just thought we could control this beast...and we can't.
EL

Not much to say, but I have found a song I think summarizes our situations: Helena Beat, Foster the People. I especially like the line, "I took a sip of something poison, but I'll hold on tight"

I am hanging in there, the last couple of weeks at work have been stressful. I get to fly back to visit family soon. I don't really want to go. I kind of like the distance. If I am still out here next year, I am not flying back. I plan on going skiing or something else. Maybe do some desert camping. I dunno.

In so far as my addiction goes, I am coming out in reverse. That's the easiest way to explain it. I am drinking daily, but going to bed sober. I remember going to bed every night. My aggression is dropping, too. That's not helping at work, I lack drive. I spend too much time with sensations or memories I had lost. I am sometimes lost in reveries through out the day. It's odd: smells, thoughts, experiences set those off. It's almost as if I am third person catching up on my life, even though I know I was there. I remember details that are verifiable and I had not thought of previously.

Usage is actually up a bit over last week, but I had another breakthrough last night: I actually tried to force myself to finish a glass of wine. I couldn't do it. I actually spit the wine out. I haven't done that in years. I could always find room for more.

But after a long day, I drank more today. I am riding the roller coaster. I still don't cheat on the nal. I think about that a lot. My honor code is to not lie, cheat or steal, nor do I tolerate those who do. We all lie to a point, sometimes for social lubrication, "honey does this dress make my butt look big?" Or to make ourselves appear in a more favorable light, "honestly, I only get drunk on the weekends." What part of me is clinging to the old Code and has for so long? I reread my posts here, I think that code kept me somewhat straight: other than my honor, I cared very little for very much. There really is very little I want.

It's humbling to understand what being an addict truly means. I do. But for the grace of whatever gods may be, I would be living under a bridge somewhere. The people in AA are right when they say we should be thankful for our days. Where we differ is how to spend those days. They believe they must live them in "the Rooms," and I know I am going to be free.

I know this because I am physically nauseous while drinking. Not after I take nal: but when I am drinking. Its odd, I must drink right now, for whatever reason. I don't like swallowing the alcohol. So, I hold it in my mouth for a time before I can swallow. It's weird. For anyone who has not done TSM, nausea is not intentional with the alcohol: this isn't antabuse.

Right now, I almost feel tortured, I can almost see a normal life. I can feel it. I go to sleep and I remember going to bed. For the first time in year, I am actually dreaming! I know soon I will be free. When I started this, I thought it would be 5-6 months, based on the book. Now, I think this is going to be 8-10 months for me. Which is no big deal: I am not doing anything else anyway. I swear this is almost like I am coming out of in reverse. The sensations are so exquisite!

But, after this. I have become much more concerned about the drunks I see in the gutter. I want nothing from them. But I don't want to see them lying there because some lunatic forced the 12 steps on all alcoholics. Life goes on. They can be saved. Ketch is right: they must be helped.

Hi HF - these very insightful posts are some of my favorites.



I can relate a bit to the nostalgia you feel in your day to day experience (particularly at work), although my feelings are a bit more melancholy. I often glance at pictures from amazing trips that I have posted around my desk, and wonder what those experiences would have been like had I not been blacked out during 75% of them. For most, I've crafted an entire different storyline in my head. I'll mentally re-live the new series of events, and then look at the clock to see that 20 min have passed and the cubes have melted in my iced coffee.

Congrats on the breakthrough with the taste sensation. If you feel like you're trying to force something down, I'd recommend really thinking about whether or not you want to start/finish the drink. If you feel like you can take it or leave it, why not leave it? If you can develop a strong enough pattern of leaving the booze - to the point that it becomes habit - your intake is going to plummet.

Keep up the great work, HF - you (and I, and all of us) have come a long way.

-H

HF -- turns out you had a lot to say! I like the going in reverse perspective. Such good progress you are making. Slower than you might like but very real.