Hi All,

Just got back from a week in the sun. though I drank a lot more than I would have at home it wasnt out of order. I had a greyout one night but other wise I drank between 4-6 drinks most nights over a period of four or five hours. There was almost no daytime drinking which always featured highly in pre nal holiday drinking. Gone are the mornings when I would have drink hiden under myside of the bed and would slug it the minute I woke. So all told Im happy with how it went.

Im still off the cigerrettes though I craved them on holls. Ive very nearly smoked since as we came home to an upsetting story of a friends fathers suicide. Im close to this girl for a lot of years and 3 other members of her immediate family have committed suicide in the same way in the same place over a period of 6 years. Its just a pure and simple nightmare really. Ive spent time with them in the past few days but am staying away while the formal funeral takes place today and tomorrow, I know Im not directly affected but I cant think of anything else and a couple of days away will help. Ill kick in again from once the crowds have gone. Im terrified I will smoke even though Im trying to keep busy up there making sanwiches and drinks. All the family smoke and last night I had to get up and walk out in the fresh air to stop myself taking one. If any one has Gods ear say a prayer for this family, they need all they can get.

I don't mean to be intemperate, but did they drink or use other substances?

The father who just died never drank at all. His oldest son drank quite a bit, the second one not so much and I dont know much of anything about the daughter in law. Its just all very sad. I went to the Mass this morning but didnt follow to the graveyard. There are a few of us invited up to the house tonight so Ill go there then. Suicide is one of the main cause of death in young people in Ireland, everybody is talking about it but no one know how to stop it.

I was reading in another thread about Indian pharmacys needing a script for nal from now on. This really worries me. I hope that Debbie in River can find a doctor to help us. I cant wait for the day that nal becomes the first med that doctors think of when they have an alcoholic patient.

Where did you see the thread on the prescription requirement for River?

What a tragedy!!

Well done for not smoking though, that's a fantastic achievement, especially under the circumstances!

Curi

For the first time in a long time I drank right through nal last night. Went to that families house yesterday evening after work. I intended on staying only a few hours. I only had a small portion of lasagna about 4 o clock to tide me over untill I had diner when I came home. I started out drinking wine and it was in free flow. after a while my friend insisted on going into town for a drink. Given her circumstances there was no way I could say no to her. It was all down hill from there, she wanted to and did drink herself into oblivion and I followed along not far behind. It was a terrible night, she wanted to go to the graveyard half way through the night. If I had known it was going to be a long night I would have drank beer and had a lot more control - eating more would have worked as well. I have a complete blank of the end of the night in the pub and I have just a very vague recollection of coming in the door, seeing hubby in the living room watching tv- called out hello and went straight up to bed in case he stared moaning at me for ignoring his phone calls and it started a row. So at least I had that much sense.

Anyway don't feel too good about myself today- it was a horrible end to a horrible few days. Friday night is always a drinking night for me but right now I think Ill give it a miss, at least thats the plan but old habits die hard as we all know.

Hey Mario:

Give yourself some space. While you didn't handle last night the way you wanted to it's certainly understandable. Even in the best of times, fighting the beast of alcohol via TSM can be long, slow work. With lots of ups and downs.

So put this behind you, be easy on yourself and do things that make you feel better. Given what you've been through and what you've been giving to your friend, you deserve it.

We're all behind you!

Glad to report consumption has returned to normal levels. I had two glasses of wine on Friday night and one beer last night.. I havent really slept well since that death as Ive had a fear all my life of ghosts(yes I know they dont exist, but try telling me that in the early hours of the morning when Im awake staring at the end of the bed waiting for the latest person to have died to appear ) but I took a melatonin last night and slept for 11 hours straight. I went to be at 11pm and slept untill 9.55am this morning. I am thrilled.

So sorry to hear about the suicide Mario. I can only imagine what the triggers were there to drink. It's amazing that all you did was drink too much, honestly. Give yourself a break and you know, back on the wagon!

Ive just read back on my last few posts and they all seem so dark and depressing and this one is going to be no different. I have been drinking a lot and I mean a lot. A friend of the families passed away Christmas eve morning. Though he was only in his late 40,s it had been expected for a few weeks. He wasnt a close friend and I would only have met him and his family a few times during the year(they live a couple of hours journey away from us) but we always had great fun. Anyway I went to the funeral, which was horrific. Him and his wife had adopted two small daughters from Vietnam and it was just awfull to see them and their mom so upset.

Anyway all my life Ive been afraid of ghosts, ever since my childhood and especially after someone I know dies I wont even stay anywhere on my own-not even at home. I just picture the person behind every door, siting in every chair. It usually wears off after a few days but with this man I just cant get him out of my mind at all. He has been creamated and this is just making it more upseting as I keep picturing the process. I got some xanax of a friend and Ive been eating them constantly and I am also guessing they are stopping the nal from working because basically Im back to hiding drink, blacking out, waking in the middle of the night and poping more xanax. Im taking the nal religiously but its like its not working at all- Im firing back drink to get the buzz but nothing is enough untill I pass out.

I just hate this bloody middle of the night feeling again, not knowing how I got to bed or what happened. This morning my daughter was going shoping to another city and I told her I would wake her Dad to bring her and her friends to the train- she looked at me like I was mad and told me that she had told me last night that her friends Mom was bringing them. I felt like ****, I thought those days were gone. I only have 5 xanax left and there is no point in me saying I wont take them because Ill crack up without them as my mind is all over the joint. I do think they are effecting the nal though. Im going to try upping the dose of nal to 100 for a week or so to see if that helps.

Does anyone know of anyone who was doing well on tsm and then had to go on benzos?. Im praying this is just a blip because of the way my mind is at the moment.